AU // Yunho is scared he’ll never see Changmin ever again and that’s why he never says goodbye. (MinHo)

Inspired by Meghan Trainor’s song - Like I’m Gonna Lose You (Feat. John Legend) // Dedicated to Kiwi-licious.

----

It’s the first day of November, and Yunho wakes up a little colder than usual. He's drowning inside the heat of three wool blankets, but all he feels overtake his body is the coldness that lingers his room like a welcomed guest. He hates it. Instead of trying to create friction with the blankets and fall back asleep, Yunho decides he’ll just wake up and manage his day with a couple hours of sleep. He yawns as he gets out of bed, the wooden floor feels like ice underneath the soles of his feet and he curses not having his slippers in his bedroom. He knows they’re scattered somewhere, only God knows where.

He manages to warm himself up, and while he walks around the apartment he sees the voice machine blinking red, and it irks him because eventually he'll have to listen and reply to all of them. He presses the button and a list of messages begin to play. “Yunho, it’s me Siwon,” Oh goodie, he thinks sarcastically, “Please call me back. Was my proposal too soon? I know,” Siwon says sternly, and it almost sounds like he’s shuffling papers around. Is he at work? Way to be romantic, thinks Yunho., “I’ve known you for a month, and the is great, I mean wow! the is great …” silence, “on a more serious note, I really want you. I can see myself having a family with you. Is that too soon too?” Siwon sighs and tries to stammer something else. “Just, please call back.”

Yunho rolls his eyes and deletes the message. Siwon was a mistake, just like Sang Woo and Henney. They were all mistakes he made due to the uncertainty of his heart. God, he hated himself sometimes. His stupidity felt good though, he admitted that much.

As much as Yunho wants to finish listening to the remaining list of messages, he has better things to do, like get some coffee, buy his favorite cheesecake, go to Barnes & Noble to fetch his latest monthly read. Just the thought of a new leather bound book or its pieces of paper with words that create magic evoke a warm, tingly feeling inside Yunho. He hates that he can’t take books with him in his next voyage, but he plans to read as much as he can before he leaves.

Within a half hour Yunho manages to roam Barnes & Noble. The hint of cinnamon and coffee beans thrills him; it makes the journey to find a new book even more exciting. He heads towards the Classic Literature section and fiddles his hands through the row of books, he begins to react to the dust and forces out of his body a loud, chilly, sneeze. “Bless you,” he hears someone say. He nods and mumbles a soft, thank-you, underneath his breath. He sniffles a bit more before concentrating on the wall of books. There are so many he doesn’t find himself capable of going through each one that sparks his interest. He’s consumed by an ocean of characters, of different lives and motives, and he wants them all, he’s greedy.

“The Picture of Dorian Gray,” he reads aloud. He was told more than once that before he died, he had to read The Picture of Dorian Gray. It was a must. He stares at the cover, a man with such aesthetic he’s intrigued by just the serene stare of the painting. He flips the book to its back, scans the summary and fills his brain with the gist of the book. He decides he’s going to buy this one, not because it’s recommended, but because there’s something else that pulls him in to the book. He turns the heel of his foot and proceeds to leave the north wall of books, but a voice stops him.

The voice that speaks to him is smooth, low, full of desire, of knowledge, of passion, and it causes havoc inside Yunho’s stomach. The stranger sounds different than all the other men, and suddenly he’s filled with intrigue. He doesn’t know if what he feels are butterflies or he’s suddenly nauseated out of nowhere. It could be the latter, but he tries to think otherwise. “I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them,” he quotes, and then there’s silence, followed by a smile. “Dorian Grey was a handsome fellow, much more beautiful than handsome, just like yourself,” the stranger says, it causes Yunho to feel self-conscious. Is he calling me beautiful? He thinks. “I’d have to let you read the book for you to find out the rest.”

Yunho hides a grin and tries to play off his nervousness by trying to keep a straight face; to which he fails miserably. Is the latter quoting Wilde’s character? “Why don’t you tell me more?” Yunho asks, flashing a full-on-smile this time.

Yunho, who’s seen and been around handsome men, can’t pinpoint if the man before him is handsome or divine. Long legs, olive skin, rosy thin lips, a straight nose, hair brown like the month of October, eyes as big as the sun and brown like whiskey, a jawline envied by super models around the world; and to top it all off, he wears fitted dark jeans with a simple v-neck shirt, gray suede booties, and a gray suede fedora. Casual, but very very polished, and Yunho likes all of him.

The stranger curves his thin, yet rather plush lips into a smile, and Yunho finds himself staring. “Dorian, the character in the book is a hedonist. He seeks to fulfill his own desires before anything else, to wallow in them and take advantage of them. He pays the ultimate price, but that’s for you to find out. Are you a hedonist as well?” asks the tall suitor.

The questions catches Yunho off guard. “If by hedonist you mean pleasure-seeker than yes,” he replies, “I am a hedonist, I believe everyone in the world is a hedonist. I seek the beauty in everything before it’s too late. Life has a time limit, might as well enjoy the splendor of it.”

The latter smacks his lips in agreement. “I agree,” he says, “But some things are more precious because they don’t last long.” Yunho parts his lips to say something in reply but he remains mute instead, he’s distraught over what the latter said. “What’s your name?”

Yunho meets the latter’s shiny pair, he runs a hand behind the nape of his neck and responds, “Yunho.”

The stranger extends his hand and seeks Yunho’s touch. “My name is Changmin. Nice to meet you.” Yunho’s gut floods with a warmth he’s never reckoned with, and it makes him feel odd and lively. “Since you’re such a hedonist,” says Changmin through a smile that could captivate the whole world, “Will you accept to go out on a date with me?”

He’s going to answer, when a loud, high-pitched shriek calls for him. “Yunho!” Yunho turns around to see a ball of red hair running towards him, “Goddammit Yunho! Why don’t you answer your phone?” Yunho wants to hide his face from embarrassment. He doesn’t want to face Changmin now, not when his name is being echoed through the store like the radio’s top 100 songs of the week. Changmin watches as the red haired man makes his way towards them.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Changmin asks in a whisper. He feels relief wash over him when Yunho admits to being best friends.

Yunho smacks his lips and tries to calm down the red-hair, “You don’t have to be so loud Heechul, there are people in the store.”

Heechul ignores Changmin and discusses his valid reason for being so loud. Something about going to the concert of the man he adores. Some Chinese man Yunho always forgets. It’s not until Heechul sees Yunho waver in his answer that he notices Changmin. His eyes widen, and it’s the first time Yunho has seen Heechul admire anything or anyone other than his Chinese man. “Hubba hubba,” says Heechul. “Who is this?”

Yunho feels like dying – literally – and collides the palm of his hand with his forehead. He turns to face Changmin and bows in apology. “Excuse my friend, he’s a little eccentric and loud as you can see.”

Changmin smiles, “Don’t worry about it,” he says, “My name is Changmin,” he adds so that Heechul may remember. “I was just asking your friend here if he’d like to go on a date with me.”

Heechul faces Yunho, and this time instead of showing a jovial expression (like any other person would) his features turn serious. He knows about Siwon, Sang Woo and Henney. He knows about the list of guys who’ve managed to get inside Yunho’s pants, and as much as it bothers him, there’s only so much he can do from stopping his friend of continuing such adventurous sprees. Heechul sees something different in Yunho though, something like a shiny glow in his eyes, and he wonders if this time it’s real. It seems Yunho wants to experience something unforgettable before he leaves on his trip, and Changmin might be his answer.

“So,” Changmin adds again, “What do you say?”

Yunho says yes.

----

Changmin takes Yunho on a book date.

Yunho loves it.

He almost swears he loves Changmin too.

----

On their second date, Yunho decides he wants ice cream.

Changmin has a hard time believing Yunho wants something cold during the winter.

Yunho tells Changmin he’s leaving on a trip.

His destination someplace where they don’t sell ice cream.

Changmin can’t believe such a place exists.

He buys Yunho his sweet cold treat.

----

By their third date, they go ice skating.

Changmin is in awe.

Maybe it’s the snow, or the rosy hint in Yunho’s cheeks.

Maybe it’s Yunho’s clumsiness.

But he swears he’s never been so in love as he is now.

----

On their fourth date they kiss.

Yunho wants to set Changmin’s world on fire.

Changmin wants to start a flame in Yunho’s heart.

----

Yunho’s fingers dance across the piano keys, and as Changmin stands by listening, he sees the grace and the calm that fills the latter. He’s never seen him so at ease, so content, and it swells Changmin’s heart with something he’s never felt before. As he takes his time to observe Yunho, Changmin swears he’s never seen something that could mirror or rival the charm of Yunho’s nature.

That hint of caramel and cinnamon in his eyes, the way they shine with the light provided by the candles. It’s all too magical, and for the first time since his last relationship, Changmin knows that Yunho is the one. That person everyone dreams of, hoping for a life full of happiness, and endless love. They say that a first love is the one you have first experiences with, and to Changmin, Yunho is his first love despite having gals and lads before him. Not one has impacted him enough to decide the ending result of his monogamous life.

Yunho makes Changmin’s heart explode, he makes his blood run warm through his body. Yunho is his all, and it’s taken Changmin only a couple of weeks and dates to realize it.

“You should’ve become a pianist,” says Changmin with a smile.

Yunho looks up at him, shies away and grins. He remains quiet for a couple of seconds and then hums in thought. He’s thinking of an answer, and when he thinks he’s found it, Yunho parts his lips and says, “If I would’ve become a pianist I would’ve never met you. And not meeting you wouldn’t have made this November so magical.”

Changmin approaches Yunho suavely and elegantly, the way he knows makes Yunho’s walls crumble down to nothing but ash and dust. The walk that creates a honey glow in Yunho’s cheeks. Changmin cups Yunho’s chin and admires the plump jutted lip, the one he always fantasizes about biting and nibbling, the one that drives him crazy. “Regardless if you would’ve been a piano player or not, I would’ve found you,” he says. “Nothing in this world could’ve stopped me from finding you.”

Yunho’s breath hitches at the proximity between him and Changmin, and suddenly he feels self-conscious, even nervous; for the first time in the entirety of his life he’s never felt such storm wash over him when it comes to kissing Changmin. He senses how the night will end and it’s not that he’s never had or intimacy with a man, but with Changmin isn’t , and Yunho knows this. Yunho hasn’t allowed himself to savor Changmin that way. He’s never experienced making love, and realizing that Changmin only wants to offer him nothing but the stars, the moon and the whole entirety of the galaxy, rattles his heart to an extent unimaginable.

It scares him even.

It scares him to know he’s already madly and irrevocably in love with Changmin and that Changmin isn’t far off from that sentiment either.

Before Yunho can take in a gust of air, Changmin collides their lips together, and its as if heaven met earth in an unforeseen kiss.

Yunho is oxygen, and Changmin is dying to breathe. Changmin’s kiss makes Yunho feel immortal, and its then and there that Yunho embraces the fact that sooner or later he’ll have to say goodbye, and he doesn’t want to. Instead, he shows Changmin just how much he adores him.

----

“Marry me, Yunho.”

Yunho looks up from his lied down position to admire Changmin’s round brown eyes; he admires Changmin’s caramel skin, the lines and countless ripples that form Changmin’s muscular arms, chest and abdomen. His body is perfect, and Yunho can’t stop his fingers from trailing Changmin’s body like a brush on a canvas. He can hear Changmin’s heartbeats play like a melody with no end and it satisfies him to see the effect he has on the younger yet slightly taller male.

As much as the proposition should’ve taken Yunho by surprise, it doesn’t. Somewhere in the bottom of his heart he had always imagined this would happen. He didn’t expect a fancy proposal, or something overbearingly romantic.

Changmin hides his face in the crook of Yunho’s neck, he takes in that fresh aqua smell that makes his knees go weak. He adores how Yunho’s cologne always permeates his skin, and how it lingers despite the hours that have gone by. Changmin peppers kisses along the nape of Yunho’s neck, and Yunho runs his hands up and down the latter’s muscular frame. “Marry me Yunho,” whispers Changmin again. “Make me the happiest person alive and marry me.”

Yunho gently withdraws Changmin’s head from the crook of his neck and forces the male to look at him; despite not saying yes or no, Yunho decides that the best answer to Changmin’s question is a kiss. A tender, wet, fiery kiss. Yunho has never been good with words, but he wants Changmin to feel his answer in the kiss, he wants him to sense and to grasp the passion that burns through his veins whenever Changmin speaks, or smoothly caresses him.

Changmin settles himself in between the curve of Yunho’s legs once more and sinks his teeth on the dent of his collarbone. Yunho elicits a groan, an eager sound that sends electric jolts coursing down Changmin’s body, and the latter welcomes them, basks in them. After minutes of endless kissing, Changmin s once, cautiously. He s again, and he’s gone, he’s off into the careening nowhere. He lives for seconds in that soaring agonizing perfection, and Yunho can only admire and take him. It’s this, only this, Changmin’s lost to himself, he’s no one, he’s obliterated, there’s only …

Changmin hears himself gasp in wonder. He contemplates his high and loses himself, lost, unmade.

----

Yunho wakes up at three in the morning and shifts to his side. The room is dark, but the smell of the scented apple and cinnamon candles lingers the large expanse of the four walls like a ghost. He intakes the smell, and he’s never felt so at ease. Changmin sleeps, eyes closed and small gusts of air escaping from his thin lips. Yunho swears he’s never seen something so beautiful, so majestic, and right there and then he feels something warm intoxicate his stomach. He likes how it feels, but is scared it’ll be hard to get rid of.

Something ticklish and bright and he can’t hide his smile.

He seals the non-existent gap between his body and Changmin’s, leans in and kisses the tip of Changmin’s straight nose. “I think I love you, and I’m really scared. Will you love me when I’m gone?”

Yunho sighs, he doesn’t want to think so negatively, not now, not when it’s three o’clock in the morning and he should be sleeping. Tomorrow will be a long day, the end of this dream, and he needs all the courage of the universe.

----

Yunho hears Changmin wake up, he breathes, inhales, and spits out his venom. “I want you to leave.”

Changmin sits up and runs a hand through his bed hair. He’s barely waking up. Did he hear correctly? It’s too early in the morning, he thinks. Changmin ignores whatever Yunho said and approaches him slowly. He takes his time to place small, delicate and feathery kisses upon Yunho’s elegant shoulder blade. His skin is warm, and smooth, and it reminds Changmin so much of home.

Yunho withdraws from Changmin’s loving affection and turns to him, eyes serious and void of emotion. His voice cold and almost remote. It scares Changmin to see Yunho so distant, and he wonders if it was something he said that triggered in the latter something cruel and insensible. Was it the marriage proposal?

“Didn’t you hear me?” Yunho questions and repeats himself. “I want you to leave.”

Changmin knits his eyebrows together and scoffs, did he do something wrong? Did he say something wrong when they made love? Everything was so perfect … “Wait, you’re being serious?”

Yunho gets up from bed and Changmin realizes he’s already fully dressed. Yunho wears a large warm orange sweater over some ill-fitted pants. “You know I hate repeating myself. Leave.”

Yunho doesn’t wait for Changmin to utter a word when he’s already out the door. He doesn’t wait for Changmin to get dressed, hell he doesn’t wait at all. Changmin remains mute and lets the silence sink in.

He’s being serious, he thinks. Seriously … what did I do?

Changmin tries to leave with an explanation, he needs to know what he did wrong, he has to mend his mistake, but Yunho won’t cave in. He kicks him out and tells him to never come back.

“Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t email me, don’t do anything to come close to me.”

Changmin pounds on the door repeatedly, begging, kicking, but Yunho won’t open the door.

Yunho can still hear the slam of the door ringing loudly inside his skull and he hates how guilty he feels. He suddenly feels empty and lonely, and somehow he wants to go back for Changmin and apologize, that he didn’t mean to say those mean things. He just wants to say sorry, and admit that he was wrong, that there’s nothing erroneous with getting married but then he looks at the calendar and reminds himself he can’t do that.

Yunho paces around in the kitchen, he seeks for comfort food but curses loudly when he realizes he forgot to buy strawberries. There’s no coffee either. He groans and slams his fist against the granite countertop. He can’t keep on living like this, he reminds himself. Yunho lets the seconds tick by, he needs to calm down, he needs to have his mind blank from thoughts and his heart serene before doing anything else. He decides that an apple and peanut butter will help drown the anxiety he feels. For now, anyway.

As he slices the apple into bits and pieces, his cell phone begins to vibrate. It’s constant and annoying, and Yunho pulls it out of his pant’s pocket rashly and answers it when he sees the caller ID is Heechul. “What did you do?” Heechul asks rather than greeting his stubborn friend. “Do you have any idea of how many times Changmin has called me asking if I know what he did wrong, in the last thirty minutes? Poor lad Yunho! Give him a freaking break.”

The argument with Changmin comes to mind again and Yunho feels like his lungs are swelling and that his intake of air is diminishing. A knot grows inside his throat, and the necessity to cry is so strong he literally gets down on the floor, pulls his knees to his chest and lets out hearty sobs; all for Heechul to take in. “I can’t,” Yunho chokes a reply, “I can’t!” he coos again, voice full of pain, of short breaths. “He proposed to me Heechul.”

“You’ve had many propose to you Yunho.”

Yunho wipes the tears that keep flowing endlessly from his almond eyes and nods, Heechul’s right, there have been many. Endless nights of , endless nights where he didn’t have to sleep alone. Relationships built only on the passion of the body, built on the lack of days to his name ... but this … Yunho swears by all the Gods in the universe that this is different. “I want to Heechul. I wanted to. He’s the only one I’ve ever felt the need and want to spend what’s left of my life with.”

Yunho lets his heart spill in the form of tears, and he recalls the confessions, the unison of their hearts, the rhythm of their bodies, the sublime perfection of being Changmin and belonging to him in every sense of the word.

Yunho listens to Heechul sigh, and he knows that he’s shaking his head, he’s probably also trying to soothe out the lines of stress from his forehead; without much success. “I’ve said this before, and I will say it again. Stop being bad to the kid, spill the truth before it’s too late. He doesn’t deserve this.”

Keeping that to himself has always helped him feel at ease, but everything is much more convoluted now. He loves Changmin, with every atom that makes up Jung Yunho.

----

Yunho counts the days.

He’s never seen so much black.

He prefers to sleep, and sleep he does.

----

Changmin can’t sleep.

He has so much energy he’s afraid his heart will burst.

He wishes Yunho would call, but knows he won’t.

Changmin is tempted to call, but holds off.

He assumes Yunho is best that way.

----

Changmin regrets not calling.

He looks at the sun but only sees clouds.

He promises he’ll call tonight.

He does. There’s no answer.

----

Yunho wakes up and checks his phone.

Changmin called.

It’s enough to make him smile again.

----

Yunho’s supposed to spend Thanksgiving with the family, but somehow Heechul convinces him to wait for him in the car while he goes inside the grocery store to buy some pumpkin pie. The feline man had been boring Yunho to death about his insatiable craving for pumpkin pie, pumpkin spice latte, and everything pumpkin related. Thank goodness they only had those items out on the market for a limited time, or else Yunho would go crazy.

Yunho hears the click of the door and Heechul steps inside with a rush. He shuts the door and smooth’s his hands together, creating heat and friction. He complaints about the weather. “It’s super cold outside,” he murmurs. Heechul turns on the car, and the ride back to Yunho’s house is silent. Heechul is too busy singing along to his ideal boyfriend, new single, in the radio. Yunho remembers the name of the Chinese man – Hangeng. Yunho tries to sing along, but his throat hurts, and he’s just very tired. He’s been up shopping around with Heechul since eight in the morning. He feels like if he doesn’t get home to rest, he’ll wind up sleeping until tomorrow inside Heechul’s car. He remembers Changmin’s text, and its enough to make his heart break a little more.

“You said your father already set up dinner at my house?” Yunho asks.

“Yup,” Heechul replies. “They just kind of set up the table and put the food down. They know how tired you’ve been lately, so they decided to help out.”

Yunho releases a shaky breath and flashes a smile full of gratitude, “Tell them I said thanks.”

“Of course,” Heechul replies, “Why wouldn’t I?” he questions with a chuckle. Yunho wants to answer that question with sarcasm, but he has no energy left to try and muster a string of words. He just listens to the next pick in the radio and closes his eyes until they reach his house.

It doesn’t take long to arrive. Yunho pushes the door open and stretches. The lid of his eyes feel heavy, as if they were stones. He blinks his eyes a couple times as if to shake the sleep away but somehow it still manages to linger a little bit longer. The land seems barren of wind, but then Yunho thinks he thought too fast, for wind comes and plays with his hair and clothes, leaving them slightly out of place and disheveled. “Are you coming?” Yunho asks as he fixes his hair and scarf.

Heechul’s out of the car, sipping on his pumpkin spice latte. Apparently he can’t have enough of the sweet beverage and he’s running on his sixth cup. He stares at Yunho, and takes his sweet time to respond. He shakes his head and says he forgot something important at home. “Are you kidding me right now? I don’t want to spend Thanksgiving by myself. I thought I was going to spend it with you!” Yunho whines. He regrets having stood up his family to spend it with Heechul.

“I’ll be back in a second. I just really need to get something. Watch a movie or something. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

Yunho sighs, he doesn’t have much choice does he? “Fine,” he says with a smack of his lips and walks away. He doesn’t let Heechul explain because he’s already inside his apartment complex. He walks up the stairs muttering an array of mini rants.

He can leave me here while he goes god-knows-where! His stupid pumpkin spice latte! Stupid coffee! Stupid pie! Stupid hair and that stupid smile of his! Does he know I won’t be around for long? Does he know I’m hungry, and sleepy and just …  Breathe Yunho …

Yunho shuffles with his keys and forgets for a second which one unlocks the door to his apartment - 2T. He manages to open the white wooden door, and when he steps inside the apartment the smell of coffee, vanilla, and cinnamon hit him like a bullet. It’s like a scene from a movie. Jazz plays in the background, and he’s never felt so warm and so ready to celebrate Thanksgiving. The table is decorated with his favorite dishes, wine, candles, and autumn decorations that make his heart swell in happiness and tranquility.

“Welcome.”

Yunho’s smile fades and he slowly, meets eyes with the owner of the baritone voice he’s come to love and miss so much. It makes his heart jump in excitement and it causes the hairs in the back of his neck to rise like wilted flowers in the summer. Changmin’s standing near the entrance of the kitchen. Tall, and handsome, and just perfect. He wears a black v-neck cashmere sweater with fitted Levi jeans that elongate and define his legs. Suddenly Yunho feels like crap in his regular white sweater, brown scarf and khakis. Yunho clears his throat, he wants to shout out that he’s missed him, that he needs him, but most of all that he loves him. But his lips can only muster, “Why are you here? I thought I told you to leave and to not come back.”

Changmin hides a smile and lets his head hang. He stares at the floor for a couple of seconds before rallying the courage to speak up. Instead of explaining why he’s in Yunho’s apartment, he approaches him gracefully and the underside of Yunho’s jaw. He looks him in the eye and he witnesses how Yunho shrivels up, how he holds in a breath only to release it seconds after. He sees the effect he has on him, and it thrills Changmin; he almost forgets that Yunho had kicked him out of the house with no given reason.

Without seeking contact with his lips, Yunho leans in searching for Changmin’s warmth.

Changmin leans in and traps Yunho’s lips in a slow kiss; it’s gentle, wanting, and full of passion - everything Yunho has lacked for the last couple of weeks. He wishes it could last forever, but he’s content to see Changmin’s stubbornness pulled through.

Changmin picks up Yunho from the floor, and as they kiss, Yunho can’t help but mutter how much he loves Changmin, how he’s missed him, and how he doesn’t want him to leave ever again. Changmin chuckles and pulls Yunho for another kiss, as if quieting him will work. The walk to his room feels like an eternity, but Yunho indulges in the moment until they reach his room, and when Changmin props the door open and Yunho sees the walls of his room, his heart traps within the walls of his throat. “Do you like it?” whispers Changmin in Yunho’s ear.

Yunho gulps and as he blinks his eyes to get rid of the veil of tears that blur his vision, he sees what Changmin is referring to. Yunho wraps his arms soundly around Changmin’s neck and nods. Yunho can make out a hundred, or more, calendars plastered on the wall. Only the month of November is visible throughout the room, and with them are pictures of every single moment lived during their countless dates. A walk through memory lane never felt so good. Yunho fears blinking, he fears not being able to trap this memory and store it in his archives. He wants this moment to last forever.

Without hesitating, or letting another second go to waste, Changmin holds Yunho dearly. And for the first time in what felt like a thousand years, Changmin makes love to Yunho, sweetly. Yunho never knew a single second could be expanded into something timeless and so archaic. It shook him to his chore – and there were no words for it.

----

The room is chilly, and it stirs Changmin from his deep slumber. He whines in delight as he listens to his muscles pop with his morning stretch. He yawns, and flutters his eyes open. The room is slightly dark, the scented candles are long dead, and he finds it surprising to see Yunho is already awake. His back to him.

The eerie mysterious aura feels like Deja vu, and Changmin hates the sensation. He shakes the thought from his head and approaches Yunho from behind. He’s centimeters from kissing the back of Yunho’s neck when he takes in the paleness of the walls. The calendars that had taken him so much time to coat the walls are gone and it pains to see his efforts taken for granted. Their pictures tattered on the floor.

“I need you to leave.”

Changmin lets the words sink in, he gulps, and he thinks, he thinks so much, so hard he swears his brain is ready to burst. Not again. This time Changmin wraps his arms around Yunho’s waist - he’s dressed again - and pulls the latter’s back towards his chest. Changmin has always dreamt of waking up to his lover’s kisses, to his ness, but it seems Yunho won’t let him. Changmin wants Yunho to feel his heartbeat, to feel the need inside him.

“That’s not true Yunho,” Changmin whispers, sure of himself, “You don’t want me to leave, that’s a lie.”

Changmin hears the heartbreak in Yunho’s voice, and he swears he’s never been so confused in all of his life. They love each other, don’t they? “You don’t understand Min,” croaks Yunho. Has he been crying? “You need to leave. I don’t want you here with me.”

Changmin knits his eyebrows together and sighs. He’s tired of playing games, he’s tired of giving his all, he’s tired of Yunho rejecting him after they make love and he just can’t wrap his mind around it and accept it. “I don’t get it Yunho. I love you, you love me, why do you ask that I leave? Why?”

“Trust me,” Yunho sniffles and it pains Changmin to see him so weak, so broken, so hopeless. “If you leave now, you’ll meet someone better than me and learn to love them with all your heart. Trust me,” Yunho keeps going, “If you leave now, you’ll walk out of my life, move on, and when you think of the past, of me, you’ll only have good memories, and they’ll make you happy. That’s how you need to remember me, with happiness, with love.”

“But I don’t want to leave,” Changmin admits. For the first time in his life he’s found a place that feels like home, that welcomes him with a kiss, and a hug, and he vows he’s never felt so loved by someone. He holds on to Yunho like a Koala, afraid that if he lets go for one tiny second the latter will probably disappear.

“I beg of you,” Yunho whispers as he pulls away and stands up from bed. He caresses his arm and holds back the tears he’s been wanting to shed all night since yesterday. “Just let me go. If you leave now you’ll take with you our happy memories, we created in November. That’s how you need to remember me.”

Changmin’s heart is in his throat, he doesn’t want to swallow, he doesn’t want to breathe. He just wants to hold onto Yunho and never let him go. “You can’t just make me fall in love with you and then decide you don’t want me anymore Yunho. That’s not fair. You can’t just expect me to adore every single moment I shared with you only to have it ripped into a thousand little shred like they never existed.”

Yunho raises his voice, “I can! I can,” he cries, his tears torrent down his face. He knows this is the only way out before it’s too late. “I’ll be leaving soon, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me from leaving.”

Changmin approaches Yunho and carelessly cups his face in his hands, he holds him tenderly like a dove. He speaks calmly, like the moon lulling the flowers back to sleep “Then I’ll become time, and stop it from continuing. I’ll become time so that we may live in this moment for the rest of our lives.”

Yunho nuzzles his nose with Changmin and flashes an apologetic smile. “If only you could be time, I would worship you more than I do now.” he whispers in return, and waits a little in the silence. “But you can’t. We’ve already ran out of time.”

----

It’s the second day of December and Changmin waits for a phone call, but his house is nothing but quiet books and steamy coffee. His house is lifeless, and he hates that what used to bring him serenity now tortures him. On his lap lies a letter Heechul gave him yesterday. He waits to rip it open, his fingers shaky from the anticipation. He decides on reading the letter and calling Yunho after. There’s no way he’s going to let the man slip from his fingers. On the front side of the vanilla envelope, Changmin see’s his name beautifully printed. The ink thick and curvy. He pulls out the letter and sighs.

This is it, he thinks.

Changmin,

 

I told you to leave, to get out, to never come back, but you did the opposite of that. Somewhere along my life, they told me that if you love someone greatly, let them go -- but I was stupid wasn’t I? How could I have ever paid attention to such a silly piece of advice? If you love someone with all your might you’re supposed to hold on to them, as best you can, and never let go. You’re supposed to fight for what you want, and I was too scared to do that.

 

I wish I were there with you, to hold you one last time, to kiss you, to start a life together. How I wish I could, but I can’t. By the time you get this letter I’ll be far gone and Heechul would’ve probably told you. Just think of it as a journey, the earth will keep spinning, and somewhere between what’s real and what’s fantasy you’ll find me, smiling, waiting for you with open arms. We’ll meet again in the next world and be happy once more.

 

I never meant to say goodbye, I at those, but every time I saw that hint of glow in your eyes I knew I was holding you back from being happy. I kept reminding myself that I couldn’t be the source of your happiness because I wouldn’t live long enough for that. I had to let you go and wander a little bit more before finding your true means of happiness. I was wrong wasn’t I? Selfish even. I meant to live every last minute with you as best I could. And I did, didn’t I? I loved you as if it were my last, like I were to lose you, except you didn’t know that, not until now. I’ve lived life afraid of loving someone, of them loving me back, and I’m sorry for not telling you, I thought keeping this terminal illness away from you would have lessened the heartbreak, but as I write this, I think I was wrong to think that way. You should’ve known my days were counted, that I only had until the ends of November to enjoy your company.

 

The last time you held me in your arms you proposed and you vowed to love me forever, and with a kiss I stopped you from talking. I’m sorry Changmin. We’ll always have November right? When you think of November, please think of me, think of all the loving moments we had together.

 

Oh, and before I forget.

 

Changmin, I do.

 

Live life to its fullest, fall in love again. My heart is bound to you, in this world, and the next to come.

 

Forever yours,

November with love,

Yunho

----

Changmin sinks his face in his hands, his heart in his throat, and he wonders if he’ll be able to live life without holding Yunho one more time, without kissing him goodnight one more time when they made love. He ponders if he’ll be able to say I love you to another person, he shakes his head, because deep down he knows he can’t. He didn’t get a chance to say I love you, while Yunho did, and he didn’t understand. He gulps, and it feels like a knife pierced his throat, jabbing at the same wound over and over again.

He lets his hands fall from his face and as he stares out the window, and watches the first snowflakes dance their way through midair, he knows there and then, that he was the idiot.

I should’ve loved you as if I were gonna lose you.

AN. Kiwi-licious, I hope you enjoyed your story ;;;; I'm sorry for making it so sad omg. T_T

Yes, I'm very sentimental at the moment. I swear there's a knot pent up in my throat right now T_T I hope all of you enjoyed this drabble. I wanted to write something slightly different (maybe even depressive). I sort of incorporated a touch of poetry, and I kind of like it. I'll udpate a recommendation tomorrow (maybe you've read it, maybe you haven't, I haven't been reading HoMin fanfiction lately because the feels man! I'll get more sad and go on suicide watch or something lol just kidding).