thank u, next

December 2018

"It's starting!" 

It was New Year's Eve, and there were only minutes before 2019. Tyler had suggested hosting a party at his place, which Sooyeon took the liberty to plan, inviting the f(x) members, Irene Kim, a few of her older girlfriends, and Tyler's buddies. A small part of Soojung wondered if her sister's boyfriend suggested a party to pop the question since he wouldn't normally do so, but apparently not. 

Clark was on TV, getting ready to count down to the New Year. Sunyoung clapped her hands together, giddy and happy as she always was. Soojung set down the laptop where she had Vic on video chat while Amber was getting ready to pop the champagne. Sooyeon was in the kitchen with Tyler while Irene and a few of the girls whose names Soojung was fuzzy on were drinking wine on the couch. Muffled shouts came from the basement where they guys were drinking and playing foosball.

As the clock continued to count down, everyone gathered in the living room to ring in the New Year together. Soojung found herself smushed between Sunyoung and Irene on the couch, happily awaiting the countdown as Amber and Irene were nearly shaking from anticipation, fists full of confetti ready to be thrown. The beer bros were shoving each other while Sooyeon's friends were laughing at them. Sooyeon and Tyler stuck close, waiting to kiss at midnight and Soojung's heart swelled from the excitement and the sheer happiness surrounded by her loved ones. 

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1- HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

A virtual storm of confetti showered the floor. People buddied up to give quick pecks while Tyler kissed Sooyeon and then picked her up and spun her around. Sunyoung pecked Soojung on the cheek while she took a selfie and Amber was a colorful bullet shooting around the room, holding the laptop with Vic cheering from China. Irene jumped onto the couch, continuing the confetti rain and blowing a party horn. Soojung 's phone pinged endlessly with messages from friends and family, wishing her a Happy New Year. 

One message stood out from the rest. 

Happy New Year. -Jongin

"Something wrong?" Sunyoung asked when she noticed how quiet Soojung was.

"No, nothing. I just have to make a quick phone call."

***

May 2017

Soojung hadn't seen him in weeks at that point. 

Jongin was busy, she knew. The pressure and chaos in shooting a drama wasn't something she was unfamiliar with, and to top it off, it was the first time he would be playing the lead role and Soojung understood that. 

It happened slowly. 

The calls became less frequent, texts become shorter and curter, to the point that they would go days without talking. Soojung supposed she had too much pride; she hated it when she would send long messages and only get a one-word answer. She didn't blame Jongin; after all, he was busy, but it always left a sour taste in . She could imagine he felt the same whenever she would let a call go to voicemail or when she would quickly hang up because she needed to go.

Eventually, everything stopped. Calls, texts, everything. There was no big fight, no yelling or crying. It was like someone hit pause on their relationship. Soojung sometimes wondered if everything would have turned out differently if she had swallowed her pride at that time. 

It was a frigid Saturday night when the text came, the first in several days. 

Can you come over tonight?

Half an hour later, Soojung found herself standing on Jongin's doorstep. She used to walk in as if she lived there too, but for some reason, she knocked.

"Hey." 

Soojung didn't realize just how long it'd been since she'd last seen Jongin; she'd almost forgotten what he looked like. As she tentatively walked into the apartment, she took off her mask, glasses, and hat and set them gingerly on the cluttered coffee table. Jongin was never particularly neat, and it was always worse when he just got back from anywhere. 

"When'd you get back?" she asked as she leaned against the couch. She already knew when; Sehun had told her, but she felt compelled to ask.

"Couple days ago," Jongin replied, walking towards the window to draw the shades. 

"Oh. Why didn't you tell me?" 

Jongin paused. 

"I don't know."

Soojung knew that he wasn't saying that as a flimsy excuse; he really didn't know why he didn't contact his girlfriend upon coming back from overseas. She had to find out from Sehun, for God's sake. 

"Hey Soojung, is Jongin with you?" Sehun had called and asked. 

"No. He doesn't get back for another couple days, right?" 

"What the hell? He came back yesterday. He didn't tell you?" 

"You don't know?" she repeated.

"I don't, okay? I don't know what to think. We never talk anymore. It's either you're too busy or I'm too busy. We can't go out like normal people, we never see each other, I just..." Jongin let out a frustrated sigh, turning to face the window.

Soojung suddenly felt tears prick the back of her lashes as she looked at Jongin. Staring at his broad back, she suddenly thought back to when he was still the scrawny skinny boy who would pull her pigtails and make her ditch training with him to go play. 

It was so simple back then. 

"This isn't working anymore, is it?" Soojung said softly, afraid that if she spoke any louder past the lump growing in , her voice would crack. 

Jongin didn't answer and Soojung wished he would turn around so she could see the look on his face. She clenched her hands into fists at her sides, the pain of her fingernails digging into her palm numb in comparison to the heavy silence the hung the air as she waited for Jongin to say something. Anything. 

Instead, he turned towards her and in three quick strides, he had his arms around her in a tight embrace. Before Soojung could even open in protest, he kissed her, lips urgent and pleading. She quickly reciprocated, running her hands through his hair and kissing him back. It had been weeks since she touched him, and all the emotions and yearning that had been building up finally spilled over and she let herself go. 

The way Jongin held her that night was different than the countless times he'd done so before. As a lover, Jongin was by no means gentle, usually taking her with such passion it made her toes curl. Tonight, the passion was still there, but there was a certain gentleness and tenderness that was never there before. He took his time and Soojung could swear there was not one part of her body that his lips and hands did not trace, as if savoring every touch. 

As if saying goodbye. 

Soojung slept more soundly than she had in weeks, wrapped in his arms, her head tucked under his chin. She dreamt a nostalgic dream; she and Jongin had once again skipped training and went to the park. They each bought a popsicle from the kind old man with the ice cream cart and when Soojung dropped hers, Jongin carefully split his and gave her half. They ate it side by side on the swing set, talking about nothing in particular while the August sun scorched the sand under their feet and the cicadas chirped in the trees. 

Morning came all too soon. 

Jongin was already awake, leaning on his arm as he looked down at her with his chocolate br