I took a deep breath. He was right. Music is freedom. We can express and interpret it the way we want. We can throw away our burdens through music. My hands quivered. But I forced them to touch the black and white keys that I feared. I played a note. Ok, not bad.

          Suddenly, I felt a great sensation come within me. A power that was undescribable. I have forgotten how beautiful the piano was ever since anorexia. I started to play Chopin's Spring Waltz and Raindrops. My heart wanted to explode, my hands had a force that was oozing with emotion. All the memories flooded into my mind.

        I used to be a famous pianist and singer. I went to Julliard. I lived for music. Music was part of me. I was happy. Sure, I would have some stress during competitions but my goal was to reach people. But most importantly, it was to make my mom smile. She was so hardworking and so cute. She would come home late from work and I would be waiting for her in the living room. She would sit down on the couch and turn on the radio. In the midst of the starry night, we would listen to classical music. My mother would let out a big sigh. 

" I feel so relaxed" she said with a smile. Sometimes she would even cry and say " That was beautiful."

"I felt the emotions that were poured into playing the piece. Music isn't just pleasant noise, instead you can bring it to life, Shin Hye,"

" Oh, I see." I nodded my head. Just seeing the smile on my mother's face satisfied me.

         I wanted to make my mother smile. Since my parents are divorced, I had to beg for my dad to pay for Julliard school. He had the money to pay for it. He owns a successful instrument company/business.  He only got to see my worth when I became successful. 

         I worked hard and was determined to be the best for my mother so that she can live comfortably. I gained prominence and we started to live comfortably. However,she fell sick. She caught a flu that did not go away. She would vomit and vomit...

During that time, I've gained weight. The stress led me to eat oily and processed foods. I couldn't really focus on anything. My mom and me were in and out of the hospital. At school, it became really unbearable. 

             "Yah, you're taking up so much space. Seriously go on a diet." "You're so fake. You look nothing on the front cover of the magazine" -while pointing to my belly-  "Ugly and fat. Damn. Thank god I am not her." 

These types of comments tormented me. "Thanks for telling me. I appreciate your honesty." I would respond codly. 

It was mostly from my step sister. My father had an affair with the secretary from his work while my mother was pregnant with me. So we are the same age. My father decided to stay with the secretary. Her and her mother did not like me just because my father paid for Julliard and I became successful. 

Anyways, I became discontent with myself. That is how anorexia began. It started with an innocent  "lets get healthy and exercise!" Before I knew it, I became obsessed with calories, restricting them to 800 a day and overexercising. My mom pleaded me to eat but I refused by saying proudly, "No. I've lost weight! I don't want to gain it back!" My mother became really worried for me. I just wanted to keep on losing weight. For me, it felt good. It was a good way to feel in control and ease my pain from seeing my sickly mother. I would feel very dizzy in school and couldn't concentrate while practicing the piano. 

       I had a recital. I continuely practiced with the little energy I had, I gave it my all. My mother was feeling really well those weeks. Hence i was happy that she will be able to sit,relax and let the music reach her heart. 

           It was the day of the recital. The whole day I was with my teacher, Kahi, preparing. I wanted to make it the best for my mother.

********

It was my turn. My eyes wandered throughout the audience. I didn't see my mom. "Its okay. Shes probably running late." I told myself. I heard a few whispers "shes too skinny",

I took in a deep breath. I sat down and started to play Chopin's Spring Waltz and Raindrops.  I wanted to be happy. I wanted my mother to be happy no matter the obstacles. We will get through. Will she hear it?  Will it reach her?

I started to become a bit lightheaded during my performance. But I went through with it, my mother deserves to smile. 

Tears began to roll down my cheek as I finished. I did not see her in the audience.  The audience was silent but slowly the began to clap. While going back to the waiting room, I heard Kahi say "No..don't tell me her mother is dead. Oh my. She died in the ambulance?! What should i do?...." She turned around and our eyes met. 

"i'm....s-s-orry..."

I collasped.

sorry!!!! I want to get back with this! Thank you for your patience! Hope you liked it. And sorry there wasnt any yonghwa in this but no worries~~~~ love you guys!!

EDIT: i took out sugary and put oily. Because I don't believe that sugar can make you fat. Sugar is a carb and is instantly used as energy. Unrefined sugar/ sugar cane is a plant. It contains vitamins and minerals. Plants are good for you! But it shouldn't be the base of a diet.But don't be afraid of it! Lol And basically we all know that fried foods make you gain weight. If you put sugar and fat (like oil) together, yes there will be a weight gain. Anyways, just wanted to share what I learned. So don't be afraid of sugar! Just becareful with the white and refined because they use animal bone char to make it white. Eww and poor animals ;/  love you future readers!