Lee Hongbin

Darkness.

It was deafening.

Surrounding me, enveloping me. My mind, my body, and my soul. It filled me, pouring in like flood waters breaking a levee. It fogged my mind, like an everlasting early morning. No matter where I turned, no matter what I did... I was constantly trudging through dark mists. Storm clouds, swirling and menacing, crept over me, a constant reminder of myself. Winds of death blew at my back, carrying me along on an endless crusade. Pointless and aimless, I walked. Overwhelming tides threw me around every which way, like I was some sort of doll, pathetic and weak. I had no purpose. I was just a background character in a cruel play of souls. Long ago, I had reason to want to be alive. However, now, even at the edge of a cliff or in the grasp of a noose, I would have no salvation.

I had been Lost.

I could not recall my own name, I could not remember who I was, which side I was on, how I had gotten here, or where I had been before this. My world was storm clouds above, black mists below. For the entire duration of my stay in the Lost Realm, I never encountered another soul. I was beginning to believe that each person who became lost received their own personal slice of this place, to ensure they were truly Lost and utterly alone. Yet one day, very, very far away from me, I caught a glimpse of hope on the horizon. The shadow of a person, flitting to and fro. I began running, but I was slow. Even breathing took an eternity in this place. Fear swelled in my throat. I wanted to scream, to tell them to wait for me.

I blinked.

They were gone.

“NO!” I screamed, but it was a muted, muffled sound. I sunk to the ground, hidden in the dark fog. Sobs escaped me. My entire body was wracked in pain. Being tortured would be better than this nothingness.

“Be careful what you wish for,” came a voice from behind me. Unlike mine, this one was loud and clear. It pierced right through me.

I rose from the fog and carefully began turning around. I was afraid, but also curious. For the first time in possibly thousands of years, I was speaking to another being. I closed my eyes and held my breath, not wanting this thing to flee. When I opened them, I was faced with the black shadow I had seen before.

“Don't be afraid,” it said, “I won't harm you.” Its voice was metallic and monotonous, but there was a slight familiarity underneath it.

“Who... who are you? Why are you here?” I asked, my voice still sounding like I was behind thick glass.

The shadow twisted around me in a serpentine manner, and then began circling me, like I was its prey. For a moment, I thought I had seen a flash of grotesquely curled and warped horns, but before I could even blink, the image was gone. It brushed up against me as it creeped around me, and a pain so great wracked my spine that I fell to my knees and back in the mists. My curiosity was then completely replaced with cold fear. It was circling me now, farther than before, but getting closer every second. Suddenly, it rushed toward me, right in front of my face. I reeled backwards, not wanting to be touched by it again. I landed on my back, in an even more vulnerable position than before.

Out of fear, I shouted, “What do you want from me?!”

It hovered over me triumphantly, like a successful hunter, joyous because of its victory over the innocent. I raised my arms up in a futile attempt to protect myself, whimpering all the while like a frightened dog. As it descended closer and closer to me, I felt heat flowing from it in waves. The heat flow was so strong it was blowing my dark hair around and my skin was becoming red. When it was just inches above me, I could smell sulfur and death. I could see right through its wispy shadows, up to the dark clouds above. If I were able to die, I'd wish for it to happen at this moment.

A deep roaring began to sound throughout the entire area, grumbling and a gravely. It shook the ground and grew louder with each passing second. I was shaking completely uncontrollably now and very embarrassingly close to soiling myself. I tried and tried to close my eyes, but I just could not. I was sure it was because of this evil thing hovering above me. I still had no idea what it was or what it wanted with me. Why was it here? How did it get here?

In my brief distraction of thought, I hadn't even noticed that the shadow began to change form. Legs began to take shape where formlessness was before. Arms sprouted from thin air. This was no normal person, however. No, it was very far from it. Its entire body was black, blue, and a sickly yellow color. Hands were replaced with frighteningly long fingers, where feet should be were large hooves. Its eyes were red and black, its soul- gaze boring into me.

A blood-curdling screech escaped my mouth when the monster smiled, revealing grotesquely jagged and black teeth, and that's also when I realized...

This was no monster.

It was something equivalent to all the nightmares in the world, all the fears and anguish added and multiplied a million times over.

It was Him, King of all Demons, Ruler of the Underworld, Lucifer. I knew Him all too well, yet I had forgotten him during my time here. I tried looking around for an area of escape, but He was forcing me to stare into his eyes. He was saying my name, over and over and over. Each time, a different tone, a different voice, each one came with an image of death, murder, abuse, or some other heinous act.

Finally, I found my voice and shouted, “Why are you doing this!?”

He laughed, but it wasn't a joyous laugh which spread happiness, it was dreadful, slow laugh, the kind a headsmen will give before he beheads someone. Then, he swiftly grabbed my shoulders, sending earthquakes through my weak body. We flew up toward the ever-swirling dark clouds above, until we reached the stormy ceiling. I didn't know what was going to happen, all I could do was repeat, “No, please, no!”.

But then...

We flew up through the clouds together, my shoulders still clutched in his long fingers, skin burning in their grasp, and when we came out on the other side...

The light was so bright.

I blinked a million times, it seemed like the light would never go away. Before I could even see I could feel the warmth of sunlight. It made me giddy and completely gleeful. How long had it been since I had felt the sun?! I smiled in what felt like eons. My eyes began adjusting to the sudden brightness. I was in a large, warehouse room. It was empty, save for pillars holding up the ceiling. Plentiful windows allowed panoramic views of a brilliantly blue sea. Waves crashing, cresting, and then falling back to their bed of water. The sun shone down on its blueness confidently, illuminating the diamond waters.

“It's beautiful, isn't it?” came a soothing voice from behind me.

I cautiously turned around. This voice surely didn't belong to the creature I had just been with... And this voice was so familiar... Who else could be here with us? I came face to face with a very handsome man. He was tall and slender, with an elegant neck. His skin was completely blemish free. It looked smooth and bright, its color was warmly tanned. His dark hair was shaggy but straight. His dark eyes looked mischievous, and when I made contact with them, he cocked his head to the side and grinned.

“You seem surprised,” he said, while still grinning. “Did you miss me? Would you prefer my other form?”

I shook my head no, and started slowly backing away from Him. He was standing too close for comfort, but He advanced toward me and put a hand on the back of my neck. I hated it, His touch disgusted me, but at the same time... I loved it. I knew it was just Him controlling over me, but I couldn't help but to give in. It felt so wrong, yet so right.

“I didn't think so,” He continued, face just inches from mine. He cocked his head the side and grinned yet again. “I'm sure you're wondering why you're here, yes? It's been a long time Hongbin. I've been looking for you. Come with me. We have a lot to discuss.” He slid the hand that was on my neck down my arm until he was holding my hand, and began leading me further into the warehouse.

As we walked, I couldn't help but to keep my eyes trained on His back in front of me. His attractive hand pulling on mine, His tan skin gleaming in the sun, His black hair shining like obsidian. I was revolted by how enthralled I was by him, but I was curious at the same time. His presence was like a magnet, pulling me in and sticking me to him in an unforgiving way. I knew what He was, and I knew who He was, but I couldn't help it. He was my savior from the Lost Realm, but also my greatest downfall...

Suddenly, a memory popped into my head.

Beautiful, cottony clouds, gold and pink from the ever-setting sun. Deep blue skies above and around, full of twinkling stars, shooting stars, and moons and planets and nebulae. I remembered floating through this beautiful scene with a proud sense of belonging. This was my Home. I deserved to be Here. And Here... was Heaven. The place where pure souls went for eternity, basking in God's Glory forever. I was part of a small group of Arch-Angels, we were the ones who were made by Him in the Beginning. I had shared a star with my Star Brother, Taekwoon. Between us was a bond that would never, ever be broken, no matter what happened. Taekwoon was of the purest of souls, one that He held very closely and dearly.

I could not help but feel jealous of their special relationship. It was not fair to the rest of us. Here, we were all supposed to be equal. Yet, blaringly obviously, that was not the case. More and more of us began noticing and despising the relationship Taekwoon had with Him, so one day, I decided to do something about it. How foolish I had been. It was not my place to do such a thing, but I was selfish and arrogant, so I did as I pleased.

I found Taekwoon milling about in one of our numerous gardens; he was very predictable, so it was easy to find him. When he noticed me, he smiled and waved, but I did not wave back. He paid no mind. I took that as a sign of weakness.

I marched right up to where he was standing before a grapevine and grabbed his wrist, forcing him to turn and face me. He was so calm about it, it infuriated me.

“Is something wrong, Hongbin?” he asked me, looking genuinely concerned.

I breathed through my teeth before saying, “Yeah, there is something wrong, Taekwoon. Everyone is tired of your special treatment. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.”

Taekwoon began speaking, but then stopped himself and shook his head, pitying me. Finally, he decided on saying, “Hongbin, you don't understand. And I can't explain it to you, not yet. Just please know this is all for the greater good.”

“If this were for the greater good, you would tell me. Aren't we Brothers? You know you can trust me.” I knew Taekwoon didn't respond well to guilt, so I pulled his heartstrings hard.

“I... Hongbin, please..” Taekwoon tried grabbing my hands as he pleaded with me, but at that moment, a large group entered the garden. It was hard to tell whether they were cheering or complaining. Taekwoon tried grabbing my hand again to pull me back, and I vaguely remember hearing him say, “Hongbin.. we shouldn't be here. We need to leave.” But I was angry at him so I pulled away and walked toward the crowd, curiosity getting the better of me.

As I drew nearer to them, I could clearly tell who their leader was. The Morning Star. Tall, slender, and so very handsome, he was an angel even brighter than Taekwoon, but unlike him, Lucifer did not cling to God's side, despite being created to live in the Throne room. No, Lucifer was a born leader. He was attractive and wise, people trusted him nearly as much as they trusted the true Him.

Now, I was standing in the crowd, only a couple feet from Lucifer, so I could clearly hear him when he said, “How many of you would worship me?” He did not yell, but he spoke in a very smooth and convincing way. “Under me, you all would flourish. You would not just reside up here in the sky, stagnant beings of idleness, you would be wealthy and powerful. We would rule on Earth and in Heaven!”

He was utterly captivating. I truly believed he would lead us into greatness.

Lucifer was still talking when I felt a hand grab mine and pull me away. I already knew who it was. I tried to pull away—I needed to hear Lucifer's speech—but Taekwoon was stronger than I was. Finally, I yanked my hand away and whipped around to confront him once more.

I expected him to be gazing at me disapprovingly, but he was looking at something in the distance in horror and repeating, “No,” over and over. I felt my stomach drop as I felt the ground begin to shake. The sky rumbled and some even fell to the ground because of its force.

“Taekwoon, Taekwoon, please... What's happening!?” I waved my hands in front of his face about a hundred times before he brought his defeated eyes to mine.

Tears began streaming down his face, and he said, “It's too late, Hongbin. There's no hope.”

And then, I heard a voice, His voice, “You want to rule, Lucifer? You want to be worshiped? So be it.”

Lucifer looked into my eyes, cocked his head, grinned, and then... we Fell.

The very last memories in heaven I had were Taekwoon screaming in terror and helplessness and me whispering, “I'm so sorry...”