"It's okay to stop for a while, hold my hand

Throw away everything, look into my eyes..."

With trembling hands I was sitting on corridor. In front of the door behind which my fate will be decided in a bit. What were I thinking, applying for a job in country on the other side of the world? I knew all that time that I'm not good enough... And this all because...

I reached out to my wallet to take a look at a photo hidden there but I stopped midway as the door opened.

"Miss Ivy Ange?" - women with warm smile invited me in. I took a deep breath, preparing myself to hear the bad news that they are not going to employ me and they are sorry for troubling me to come all the way here to Seoul.

I sat in front of the table. The office was far less official than I expected. It was rather colorful and the particular parts of furniture varied a lot in style, which gave off cool but then quite friendly feeling.

"I'm Maria Jung. Nice to meet you." She said, sitting on the other side. "Tell me something I don't know about how this company works" – I thought, but my face remained straight.

"I must admit we were really impressed by your application. Not only you are sucessful designer in your country..." -I smiled lightly thinking of my first choosen profession, who would think I will be attempting to change it? "... but you also have full preparation and knowledge letting you work as manager." - I thought of how I would never consider managing job when I was longer, people change... I nodded agreeing to what she has said.

"How is your Korean?" - she asked, switching to that language.

"I think it's good enough. I speak with accent though" – I replied, using language I've learned in the span of last 3 years...

"You never had a chance to use it on daily basis before, so it's uderstanable" – Maria smiled, looking at my application again. "To be honest there was only one issue...". Oho, it's coming.

"The fact that I'm a fan and it was my driving force?"- I said before she managed to continue. Yes, I was a fan. I was fan doing insane things, like applying to work as manager for a band I love. Who said I couldn't try though. It was fun when it lasted...

"Actually we counted this one as one of pros in the end. You know them well and you also know their fans well. Better than anyone else, as you were following them closely for few years, even though it was just from far away. We were really impressed by your skills even then." - now that was something I haven't expected.

"The issue is that you are a girl in similar age as the band members... And obvious foregineer. That might be deadly mix to create a scandal. Not to mention you might not be treated seriously by some higher figures..." At that moment I cursed on my blue eyes, light brown hair and fair skin. And on the fact of being a girl.

"However this might be used as a promotional factor if played right. That's why we decided to employ you." - she said. I think I started blankly at her for five minutes before my brain computed that information.

"I...I...." at first I wasn't able to say a word. I took a deep breath and my confidence came back "Thank you. When do I start?"

"That will still demand some preparations from both our and your side." Well, she was right, I came here for one week of vacations. Also, I still need to resign from my work back home. "I would say good time will be in two months from now, when the current promotion will end. We will have time to prepare you for all your duties then"

"That sounds right" – I smiled.

"I would like to ask your for discrecy by now though. We don't want it to spread too early. Also it will be better if boys won't know about it yet. They know you as fan and in the period you will be yet to work with them, their doubts might grow as they won't be able to visualise you in that position" Well, that sounds quite smart and thoughtful.

"No problem, I understand your intention and I agree with that, but I have one request" – I had to try.

"Go ahead" – she said, smiling. I already felt like we will understand each other with CEO well.

"I would like to, for the very last time, face them as a fan on upcoming fansign".

"I think this should do no harm, as long as you won't gather too much of attention" – she said.

"It will be fine" – I promised.

***

I came to the studio to practice at usual hour. As the other two were not here yet, I went to the kitched to drink some water as the day was really hot. When I was about to go back to the studio I caught a glimpse of a person walking out from CEO's office. Girl, long, light brown hair and even from that distance I was able to say she was Caucasian. And I had a feeling I've seen her somewhere before... Was it on one of our concerts? What was she doing here? I frowned in curiousity when Maria walked out of her office too. She noticed me staring so I asked

"Who was that?"

"She was here for job interview" – she said.

"What job, has she got in?" - my curiousity raised but she just smiled.

"Better get ready for the comeback and the fansign." - she said and went away and as my bandmates were here already, we headed to practice.

***

Mom hearing I've got the job was happy along with me. Until the point she realised that means I will live far away from home. Then she started to worry, but I started calming her down, explaining the company has great care program and also I will get accomodation, so there isn't much to worry about. Besides I was already at age I should start living on my own. After the talk I the music with intention to relax myself. I lied on the bed starring on the hotel's ceiling. Suddenly that song came on shuffle and my memories started to come back.

Come to think of it, it was my third time in Seoul... And the first time was the most crazy thing I did in my lifetime... Country bumpkin who left her motherland only on car and only few kiliometers away from the border going all the way to Korea to see her favourite band debut. But what I remember the most was his eyes, so warm and friendly. And the way he said my name and smile lightened up his face... Second time I only managed to see him from far away... It was understandable, fandom grew and there was more and more people wanting to get close to them. But still at one moment of performance he looked at me and as our gazes locked, he smiled brightly. I suddenly sat on the bed, shaking my head. If I wanted to do this job, I had to get rid of that thoughts. Also, going to fanmeeting like that would mean he will recognise me. And that should not happen. Aware of how my face and body shape changed when I've lost weight, I've put my most recogniseable features under the concern. With a sight I took out washable black hair dye and brown contact lenses out of dephts of my luggage and placed them on the table so I wouldn't forget about them in the excitement.

***

For some reason I couldn't sleep. I was tuggling in bed in all various positions but sleep just wouldn't come. I the light with the intention to find something to read. Taking out my favourite book, I wasn't able to reread because of busyness recently, from the shelf, I noticed something fallen on the ground. Multiple fanletters... For a moment I was wondering what they were doing here since I keep all fanletters in the box placed on top of the shelf, but then I realised and smiled. I put the book back on the shelf and took the letters to once again read them.

"There is something about you... About your voice, your eyes... I told myself this is stupid but I just can't stop thinking about you and chasing you..."

I don't know why but that fan always managed to move some soft string in my heart. She was from far away but still came here to see us... And she kept supporting us from distance too. She seemed to understand me well without words too... I wonder if she will come to our concert, it was quite long since I saw her... Suddenly the image of the girl walking out of CEO's office appeared in my head. But it vanished as I continued reading the letters until I've fallen asleep.

***

My hair were almost black now, after I dyed them last night. Only putting on the lenses left. I was already holding one in front of my eye when somebody knocked the door and it surprised me to the point, I've dropped it to the sink. And it has fallen right into the sewers. I cursed in mind knowing it can't be saved anymore and opened the door, seeing it was hotel worker who came to ask if the air conditioning works fine in my room as it broke at some. I said it's fine and that I am in hurry. I took my bag and sunglasses, deciding I will try to remain wearing them for the whole time.

***

As we were walking to the place of fansign, fans held fanbords and chanted our names. No matter how long it has been like that, it's still something that amazes me and makes me happy. I've never imagined to get so much love.

We sat behind the table and as the coordinators explained the rules to the fans I warmed up my wrist, knowing it's going to work a lot in a bit. Then fans started coming one by one and dance of smiles, bows, handshakes and taking gifts started. "Oppa, I love you" – I've heard it so many times, I've already lost count.

When we had short break, I streached my arms and reached out to my pocket in search for tissue to wipe sweat of my face away. I haven't found the tissue but something fallen out. Our manager picked it up and gave it to me with suspicion on his face. I looked what it was and it turned out to be one of the letters from that girl I've been reading on recent sleepless nights. I quickly hide it back. Soon break ended and first fan to come was quite odd. She was wearing sunglasses even though we were indoors. She also seemed really nervous but differently nervous than what I am used to see on such events.

"What is your name?" - I asked smiling to her with encouragement.

"Iv... My name is Sara" – she said blushing.

I wrote her name on the album and gave it back to her then shaked her hand. As she was walking away I could swore I caught a glimpse of sky blue eyes behind those sunglasses.

***

WHAT WAS THAT ACTUALLY?! I was raging in my mind but this rage was mixed with awkwardness and confusion. I saw clearly what has fallen out of his pocket as I was close back then. And I couldn't mistake it with anything else. It was letter from me, with all kinds of doodles around it. But why is he having it here? It was few months since I've sent it...

I was also pissed at myself for almost blowing off my undercover by saying my name since, as always, his eyes blocked my brain from working. I realised at the very last moment and said name of my friend as planned. She will be happy to get signed album.

I stayed till the end of the fansign, remembering standing on this side and imagining in few months I will be standing beside them instead. My heart was happy but confused, especially after seeing that he carry my letter with him for some reason...

Fansign has ended and only thing left to do was group photo. I stood somewhere on the side but manager dragged me closer to the middle and to them. As we were posing to the photo, he took out hand of his pocket and once again the letter has fallen out. I didn't even wanted to think what would happen if anybody would see it. Without much thinking I jumped forward, trying to catch it from the floor or at least cover from other's eyes. Landing was hard and my body hit the ground with such noise that I believe everybody in reach of 10 km heard it. I've also lost my sunglasses. Not to mention everyone were probably staring on me right now.

***

Everything was going smoothly and it was just the end when I had to do something that silly again. I would be doomed if that letter fallen in anybody's hands. Before I even managed to bend down to pick it up one of the fans jumped forward and with loud rambling, she fallen on the floor, covering it with her body. I realised it was that weird fan in sunglasses. I frowned knowing it must've hurt. I bowed down and lend her a hand, helping to stand up. I noticed she picked up the letter and I panicked a bit. What if she was sasaeng? But then she sneakily placed the letter in my hand when I was hoding hers, helping her, the way nobody noticed. Like she knew how important it was to hide it. Then for a slight moment she looked at me and I realised. It was her... She wrote it...

Her stare said that I will die if I won't be careful from now on. Then she turned to manager who came to ask if she is alright and what happended, saying in perfect Korean that she is fine and she only felt dizzy due to the hot and she needs to catch some air. I was impressed, since when does she know Korean? But then she went away before I managed to stop her and ask anything. As I was looking at her back I noticed that CEO looks at her. Then her stare moved to me and she looked both amused and worried at the same time.