A/N: Chapter warning- SPOILER-------> suicidal thoughts

Upstairs, Joonmyeon sat on the floor blinking blearily. His mind felt rested, but his body was a whole different story. His back ached everywhere, from his shoulders down to his hips and tailbone. There were a range of awful feelings from sharp jabs of pain here and there to full-on slow burning traveling over his back. It’s because I slept on the couch for so long. Joonmyeon groaned as he pushed his back against the side of the bed. He reached under the bed for another journal when he felt something cold and smooth on his hand instead. He pulled out the object and turned it over in his hands. It was the knife the guards had given them.

All of a sudden a thought nagged at his brain that made his blood run cold. His body tingled and he shivered. Kill yourself. Joonmyeon blinked in shock at himself. What? He pursed his lips. It’s not like I haven’t thought of this before. This was true. When he was younger he had thought about ending his miserable life once or twice, but never acted on it simply because he didn’t have the means. But now he did. Horror and excitement rushed through Joonmyeon’s veins and he readjusted his grip on the handle. I have a knife now…I could end it if I wanted. He the edge of the blade thoughtfully. Would it hurt? Where should I do it? It will be bloody, should I do it in the bathroom? Should I stab the heart? Do I have enough strength to reach my heart? Would stabbing my brain through my eye be better? But what if I live but become brain dead? He scoffed. That would be a shame if I missed. Would it be too messy if I slit my throat? Just then another thrill ran through Joonmyeon. What if I stabbed my heart from my back? Through my spine. That would be ironic and appropriate…Tears slipped from Joonmyeon’s eyes. This back. I’ve only become a burden to everyone…to Sehun, Luhan, the King, gods I was even a burden to my own mother. Why am I even here? I’m absolutely no help. I’m positively USELESS.

That word seemed to wake him up from his trance and he stared at the blade, this time actually seeing it. What am I doing? What am I thinking? I can’t do that…Sehun would be alone…and he would cry. He would care and he would be sad if I killed myself…Poor Xi-eomma, her business wouldn’t go so well if someone killed themselves in her house…but if I left a note then it wouldn’t be so bad. Joonmyeon shook his head. No. Enough. You can’t kill yourself, it wouldn’t benefit anyone, least of all yourself. The pain will get better, I just need to practice walking more…I just-

“Joonmyeon-hyung, Xi-eomma said dinner was...” Joonmyeon whipped his head around to the door. Yixing was standing in the doorway, still in his coat and staring in shock at the blade in Joonmyeon’s hand. In two steps he crossed the room and ripped the knife from Joonmyeon’s hands. “What are you doing?!” He was hugging the knife close to himself and looked sad and confused. Joonmyeon dropped his gaze and opened his mouth to respond when Yixing cut him off. “Hold that thought a second.” He ran out of the room and into the room next door. There was some shuffling and then “Xi-eomma, Joonmyeon-hyung and I will eat later, we are talking now,” he shouted down the stairs. He slid the door closed, took off his coat, dropped it on the floor and sat opposite of Joonmyeon. He no longer had the knife with him. Hastily Joonmyeon wiped his tears away, realizing they had already tracked down to his chin. He still didn’t look at Yixing.

“Hyung, what were you doing?” The voice was gentle but insistent.

“I was thinking.”

“About what? Suicide?”

Joonmyeon’s head snapped up. “What? No!” When he realized he was looking directly into the other’s eyes, his gaze dropped. “No, I wasn’t.”

There was some shuffling and Joonmyeon saw Yixing move close enough so there was only one inch of space separating their knees. Then he felt warm hands cup his face and gently force his gaze upwards until he was staring into Yixing’s eyes. “Hyung, I’ll ask again,” he said gently. “Were you thinking about killing yourself?”

Joonmyeon was captivated by Yixing’s brown eyes that seemed to be boring into his soul. Without realizing he nodded. “Yes.” Yixing’s eyebrows creased and his lower lip twitched like he wanted to bite it. His eyes looked so sad that Joonmyeon hastily added, “But I wasn’t planning on doing it, I swear!”

Immediately Yixing let out a shaky exhale and his hands dropped from Joonmyeon’s face. “But why were you thinking about it in the first place?”

“It’s…never mind, it’s not important. We should go down-”

“I disagree. Seeing as this is a matter of your life I find this very important.” Joonmyeon stopped moving. “Please Hyung, I just want to understand why.”

Joonmyeon paused. There was no way he was going to get out of this. “Because I’m useless.”

“Why would you think that?”

“…It’s true. No, listen,” he said as Yixing scoffed in incredulity. “I’m a stranger here. I know nothing about this world and I’m virtually worthless since I have no job!”

“But you don’t need to get one, Sehun said-”

“I know what he said, but it’s my responsibility to look out for him.”

“Joonmyeon-hyung…are you looking out for him because the king told you to, or-”

Joonmyeon’s head snapped up and his eyes were sharp as they stared into the other’s eyes. “I may be the King’s aid but my first loyalty is to Sehun. He may have told me to report back to him but I would never betray my friend. I’m going to look after him because he’s precious to me, not because the King ordered me to.” Yixing blinked quickly. He was sort of entranced by Joonmyeon’s fiery eyes since this was the first time they stared at each other for more than a couple seconds. Joonmyeon’s eyes were expressive, showing his determination and raw dedication to his friend. Yixing smiled slowly, but as soon as Joonmyeon’s eyes dropped so did his smile.

“Hyung, I wouldn’t worry too much. You have a while to learn and maybe after a couple of months you’ll be comfortable enough to take on a part-time job.”

“…I guess…”

Yixing still wasn’t satisfied. “…There’s more to this isn’t there?”

Joonmyeon slowly took a deep breath and nodded. “…I don’t take the word ‘useless’ lightly. I…learning how to walk is…difficult for me.”

“Difficult how?”

“It’s painful. Xi-eomma’s foot massages help, but they put me to sleep and I ended up wasting most of the afternoon.”

“I’m sure she didn’t mind that. But I think I understand why it may be so painful for you…”

“Really?” The response was listless and Yixing’s heart sank.

“I think it’s because you aren’t used to the feel of gravity on land. In the water, you were basically weightless but here you have to work to keep your body upright.”

“…I suppose that makes sense…”

“Once your body gets used to the feel of pressure on your bones and joints then I’m sure the pain will get better.”

“But Sehun-”

“Sehun used to sit with Luhan on land. He may be in pain too, but I doubt it’s as bad as yours since he’s been to the surface before.”

“…He knows so much…”

“Yes, but you can’t expect to learn this all immediately. It took Sehun four years to learn all this…I’m not saying you can’t learn it all…just give yourself some slack. Have you been staying up late?”

Joonmyeon rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Did Sehun tell you?”

“No. I could just tell. You look exhausted.”

“I don’t sleep well. It’s uncomfortable.”

“For your back?” Joonmyeon nodded. “Try sleeping with a pillow underneath you. That may help.”

“Really?” Yixing was taken aback by the quick mood change. But he nodded nonetheless, making the other boy smile again. “I’ll try that tonight.”

“Sure.” There was a long pause. “So…do you still want to…you know…kill yourself?”

“I never planned on actually going through with it…you came in right before I was going to put it away.”

“Ah. Well…if you don’t mind I’ll keep that knife for a bit…you know, out of sight out of mind.” Joonmyeon nodded. “So…we should probably go eat…”

Joonmyeon nodded. Yixing stood first and offered his hands for Joonmyeon to use to stand. When he finally stood straight, he was surprised when Yixing gently wrapped his arms around his shoulders in a hug. “Um…Yixing-sshi?”

“Hyung, you scared me,” his voice came out strained. “I thought you were going to leave us early…” Joonmyeon’s eyes teared up. How can he care so much after knowing me barely two days? “Hyung,” he took a deep breath. “I just want you to know, even if you feel useless…just know that we appreciate you and like having you here. So don’t go too soon, I don’t want to bury my friends.” Joonmyeon reached up and wiped at his eyes. He was never really embraced much, so he didn’t know how to react. He stood completely still as he heard Yixing slowly steady his breathing. When Yixing finally pulled away, he gave the older a small smile and grabbed his hand to hold onto his bicep. “It’s okay to lean on people,” he said. The double meaning was not lost on Joonmyeon and he gripped Yixing’s bicep gently and mumbled a “Thank you”.

A/N: I'm sorry for the heavy chapter. So this whole starting a new job thing has been crazy since I had a 3 hour commute (one way) and now I have to move, so I'm really sorry I haven't been updating sooner. Hopefully by sometime next week I'll be able to update regularly.