*** 

Myungsoo POV

Just another public ceremony. Another boring routine. I wasn't even paying attention to what was going on. I was more focused on the way the sun was shining on Sungyeol, making his hair glitter. Lately, I couldn't stop looking at him. It was driving me crazy. No matter how hard I tried to control myself, I was drawn to him. I seeked his presence even more, giving him ridiculous tasks just to keep him by my side. I was falling. Fast. I wasn't supposed to be like that. What will happen to me if I can't control my feelings? I was going from zero to one hundred in a second. My whole life I couldn't feel anything and now I was sure I felt too much. As if all of my burried feelings decided to surface ten times stronger. It was making me dizzy.

Still. I kept looking. My lovely wife was standing right next to me, we were holding hands but I wasn't even sure what color was her dress tonight. My eyes didn't move away from my butler. He was wearing a slightly more formal suit than usually. He looked really elegant. He could easily fit with the rest of the people here. Anyone could mistake him as a member of nobility but he kept himself distant, standing a little further away, drawing a line between him and them. He was still close to me though. Just a few metres. I knew that in a case of an emergency he would be by my side in a second. And that suddenly frightened me. His job was to protect me. He was trained to keep me safe or at least alive. He would die before he would let anything happen to me. I dry swallowed. Ever since that accident years ago, I don't allow myself to think about such things. Nothing will happen. Everything is going to be fine. However, when I see Sungyeol, I feel uneasy. What if...? How will I cope? If he gets hurt protecting me will I ever forgive myself? 

He starts to shift. Does he feel my eyes on him? Am I making him nervous? Or is there something else troubling him? I quickly scan the area. Everything seems pretty normal to me. I look back at him and our eyes meet. He is starring at me too and suddenly neither of us can look away. As if the time stopped. I am trying to tell him everything through my gaze 'cause I know, I can't say those words aloud and he is just standing there, completely shocked. It was just one moment. One moment we shared. One moment we embraced each other through our eyes. One moment I let myself be free. One moment he didn't pay attention to anything but me. And yet it takes only one moment to die.

First I felt my wife moving, changing her position and briefly I wondered what was she doing. I felt her stepping before me but before I could shift my attention to her, I heard a shot. And then another one and another one. Somebody was shooting. I quickly looked at my wife, she was falling onto me, clear horror evident on her face. I felt something braze my shoulder. It hurt. And then I felt somebody knocking both me and my wife to the floor. People were screaming and running away. The security was issuing commands here and there. I didn't hear more gunshots so I assumed they've got the shooter down. It was chaotic. Everything was happening so quickly and yet my world was in slow motion.

"Are you okay?" I heard someone asking. I looked up and saw his face. Just inches apart from mine. He was pale and looked really scared. I have never seen such an expression on him. I nodded. I couldn't speak yet. Something was wrong. I missed something. Then I felt something wet. I looked down and realized my wife was lying on me. She wasn't moving. I gulped. 

"Hey..." I said. My voice was horse and quiet. I poked her but got no reaction. Sungyeol tried to talk to her but she wasn't reacting. He took her off me and I gasped. There were two bleeding holes in her body. Both in the chest. With horror I realized the wet thing I felt before was her blood seeping through me. I gagged. Sungyeol shouted something to his transmitter and was immediately behind me, supporting me while I threw up. She was dead. Oh my God. She was dead. I started trembling.

"You are bleeding!" I heard Sungyeol shout and looked at him with hollow eyes. Huh? I was bleeding? Where? I couldn't really feel anything...

"No no no. Don't close your eyes! Hey! Look at me! Come on! You can't sleep yet." He was talking to me and I tried really hard to pay attention to him but my eyelids felt so heavy. I smiled and cupped his face. He froze. 

"I'm happy you are not hurt." I rasped out, loosing my strenght far too quickly. He was looking at me with disbelief but I was being honest. He was fine. He didn't get hurt. And I am a horrible person to think that because right besides me was my wife, who was shot dead because of me but I was just really happy it wasn't Sungyeol. As long as he is okay, I was okay. 

"I... I..."

"Don't talk. Don't strain yourself." He said, his eyes all watery and I knew he was about to cry. I smiled again. 

"I love you."

If I was to leave this world, I wanted to do it in his arms. Him at least should know how I really felt. I may never have the chance to confess, we will never be together but in what felt like my last moment on Earth, I wanted him to know. And then I closed my eyes. It was over. 

*** 

to be continued

a/n: I won't bother apologizing because I know I am terrible with the updates :/ It has always been a fault of mine 'cause no matter how much I try I always end up putting too much on myself. Every year I say, let's take it easy this time but I just never do. I keep studying, working, climbing up the stairs I never even imagined I would. I may have mentioned this before but I am studying law and I am sure you know, that ain't easy. I was so happy when I graduated. I felt liberating and thought, WOW, finally the time for me to write regularly has come. However, I decided to continue and become a phd student - the first year is the hardest, because you still have school - subjects you need to pass but you also need to publish articles, attend conferences, and well help out in the school.... I also had seminars to teach, exams to oversee, etc. Moreover, we also have a small doctorate so I need to finish my thesis - to give you an example how behind I am with everything I was supposed to finish my thesis by the end of the year 2014 - it's May now and I am not even halfly done. :/ I am also still working in the advocacy office so there are responsibilities there too and I could go on for hours but those would be all just excuses...

The main point is that I am behind with my tasks so everytime I sit down to write an update I feel guilty because I keep thinking about my thesis, about the article I am supposed to finish, about my school assignment, about the recent judgment I haven't read yet, etc... Writing makes me happy. I have said this many times but I LOVE WRITING. It's my pleasure, my hobby and I don't want to feel bad when I do something I love. I know you are all waiting for updates and curse me out. I know and I am sorry but I just don't want to ruin those feelings I have while writing 'cause they are precious <3 I hope you will understand.