***

Myungsoo POV

I've been called many things, there were many titles given to me. A son, a brother, a prince. Handsome, kind, gentle... some you are born with, some you gain as you grow but when it comes to characteristics, almost all of them are subjective. We are attracted to different things, we find different things funny and while one may prefer kindness, the other may choose the bad boy personality. There is no certainity. Nothing is either good or wrong and no matter how honest and upfront you are, there will always be thoughts and feelings you keep to yourself so nobody really knows anyone and the sad truth is, often times we don't even know ourselves. We are confronted with prejudice, expectations, we are influenced by our families, our friends, people around us. So we develop opinions, set goals but how many of them are truly ours? 

I don't know myself very well. I am scared to even try to understand me because if there is one personality trait that truly fits my character then it would be intelligence. I am really smart. Maybe not exactly the book smart kind of person but I catch on things quickly. Ever since I was a kid, I could understand everything that was happening around. Even without anyone telling me, I knew I wasn't exactly welcomed. They feared what could happen and too soon I realized it's because I was born as a second son. At that age I couldn't fully comprehend what lead to such thoughts but my instinct told me I must keep a low profile. So even if there were some ambitious feelings or dominant tendencies, I killed them all when I was still a kid. 

I know, I will never be a king but I am still a part of the royal family. The whole country is my responsability. It's developing so well, I will never endanger its progress and peace. Moreover, I would never want to hurt or upset my family. So I've decided to become a person, everyone wanted me to be. I've never analyzed my own emotions or thoughts. My opinions were based on books, articles and works I've read, formed by my teachers and family. I've acted according to the situations and my companions. Most of the time I stayed quiet. Answered questions only when directly asked. I tried to avoid giving my personal view on things, I would rather speak generally.

I ate what they said is good for my health. Never considered my own apetite. I've played sports and learned how to play the instruments, my parents picked for me. I didn't think about whether I like playing that sport or instrument. My whole life, I've only done what was asked, what was expected. I knew, one day I would have to marry someone who would fit my status so I've never wanted to fell in love. I kept my distance from everyone because I know that many times it's the friendship that transforms into love. So I didn't make friends. I made acquaintances.

However, when I was ten I've got one special present. My own butler. Someone who would always look after me, who would protect me. His name was Sungyeol and he had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. He did his job perfectly. He was always there, always supporting me even when I knew, he disagreed, he would always nod his head and politely smile. It warmed my heart in a way I've never felt before. But as always, I didn't allow myself to think, to feel, I simply continued to live my life as a second son.

Then it happened. My reason to live ceased to exist. Everything I ever knew was gone in a matter of second. My despair, my anguish, it was not only due to the loss I suffered, I... I was lost because I didn't know what to do. Who to be. I lived my life according to their wishes but now when they were gone who will I follow? I became the king. Just like that. I was supposed to be the one leading, the one giving orders. I was petrified. I allowed myself two moments of weakness and then I shifted my attention to my people, to my country. I've lost my family but I will continue to be the one, they want me to be. I will stay living in the picture they draw of me. 

So I was the pillar of support, someone they could look up to, I was the king people of my country wanted. I studied, I polished my talking skills, I've become a negotiator. I focused on my work, on my responsability. Almost like a robot. With no feelings, no dreams, no desires that would be my own. When the time came, I married. For political reasons of course. I had no feelings for that woman but she was pleasant enough. She knew what it meant to be married to me and she didn't expect anything. She was also raised to be prepared for this moment so she accepted me without any conditions. We would not really be a married couple. Only on paper, in the media but never in reality. I've never even slept with her. Our baby was born thanks to the modern science but nobody knows that. There are certain secrets that must be kept in order for everyone to be happy. So we smiled at each other and posed as a perfect couple when there were photographers or other people around but when we were alone, our conversations were civil, polite, cold. Distant.

My son. He was probably the only one who did break the walls around my heart and managed to enter my prison. His smile, the innocent look in his eyes. No matter how much I tried to silence my heart, it wouldn't work and I've realized that there really isn't a stronger love than the love a parent has for his child. He became my everything and at the same time, it meant my downfall. Now when there was something... someone who made me feel, who woke up my own psyche, it became a lot harder not to pay attention to the rest of my burried feelings. Feelings, that were not supposed to be there in the first place. Feelings, I haven't acknowledged even once in my life.

I don't know what wrongs I've commited in my previous life for the destiny to torture me so much in my current one. I thought that such a grave tragedy would never repeat again. When I've lost my parents, my brother... so many people died back then. I naively believed it would never happen again. But it did. Another attempted assassination took place.  Only I wasn't the one killed. Someone else died in my place. 

***

to be continued