Alone.

Never was there a better word to describe Jaejoong’s current state. He had Yoochun and Junsu, countless friends and coworkers, men and women alike yearning for his attention, and yet, he just couldn’t escape that feeling of not having anyone. He couldn’t shake the idea that perhaps he’d never find that one person who’d love him for all his flaws and silly habits; someone who he could be there for and who could be there for him unconditionally. He shuddered as he went out onto his balcony for a smoke, beer in hand. He stared at the sky as he felt his desire, for things to be easy again, for everything to go back to the way it was when they were trainees, slowly take over his mind. He wanted to mend the relationship between all five members and go back to making music together so badly. He kept telling himself to be patient, but recently his patience was slowly fading into compliance with the idea that Dong Bang Shin Ki might not ever stand as five again. He smoked and thought, thought and smoked. Perhaps their time had passed. Soon new groups would take over, and no one would care if they got back together. Even cassies would eventually abandon the cause and move on with their lives. Maybe that would be best. Maybe he was meant to die alone; maybe his group was never meant to last. Jaejoong was suddenly filled with such depression, he thought he could hear a female voice singing Colors (Melody and Harmony) in the distance.   

“So this is what it feels like,” he chuckled to himself. “Going insane.” He put out his cigarette and turned to go inside when he realized that the voice wasn’t in his head at all, but coming from a real person, a woman in the balcony of the apartment to his right. He stared as she gingerly plucked at her guitar, softly singing the words. Those words that he and Yoochun had written together and so painstakingly sung together countless times on stages, in rehearsal rooms, and within the privacy of their own homes. Those words he was no longer allowed to sing like he used to. He continued to watch intently as she finished the song, lost in her own thoughts. He wondered what she was thinking about, who she was singing to.

Soon enough, she finished the song and looked toward the ground silently for a moment before noticing his presence. He meant to turn away in embarrassment, but there wasn’t much point anymore. He continued to watch her as she put her guitar away and walked toward her door.

“Sorry if I disturbed you.” She gave him a small smile as she looked back. “It’s just been one of those days when you need a moment to yourself and a song to take all your pain away.”’

“You didn’t disturb me. It was nice to hear a familiar song.”

“Right. Well, good night.”

Jaejoong flashed her his signature lopsided grin as she turned and walked inside. A genuine smile crept onto his face as he lifted his beer to his lips. A new neighbor, he happily acknowledged. She knows our music. Our music takes her pain away.

A renewed excitement filled Jaejoong as he meandered inside. This seemingly meaningless encounter had, unbeknownst to him, rejuvenated his hope.

Perhaps he wasn’t out of the game quite yet.

------x------

And so she stared. She couldn’t comprehend his silence. Wasn’t he happy for her? Wasn’t this exactly what they had been hoping for? What they had been dreaming of? She stared at him, wishing he would say something, needing him to acknowledge her existence.

“I think we should break up.”

Exactly the words she never wanted to hear. It was if at exactly that moment, everything in her world began to crumble, nothing else seemed to matter because he had crushed everything. He had ruined it all.

“I don’t understand. Where is this coming from?”

“You knew this was coming. We can’t keep on like this for much longer, Soomi. I haven’t heard from you in two and a half months, and now you come waltzing in at random talking about your extended vacation in America and plans for modeling in Japan. I don’t want to continue this relationship if we’re never going to see each other.”

“Yunho, I-“

“Let’s not make it hard, okay?”

“Not make it hard?! I love you! I thought you loved me too!”

“Babe, you know I love you. Don’t be like this. You and I both know it isn’t fair to either of us to keep this up. I deserve a relationship where I can actually hold my partner and feel their comfort. I deserve to find a person who I can start a new life with soon. You deserve that too. We’re on two completely different paths right now that can’t seem to meet anywhere. If we don’t break up now, neither of us will ever have a fighting chance of moving on. I needto move on right now.”

“Yunho, we’re meant to be together. I love you so much.”

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Soomi, I love you too. Good luck with all of your future endeavors. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

With that, he rose from his seat and left the room. No last look back, no final embrace. Soomi felt her body give out on her as she slumped further into her chair, tears freely flowing from her eyes. If this was really what he wanted, of course she would let him leave. But how was she ever supposed to let him go?

Yunho walked away from the restaurant, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets as he pondered his current situation. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. Everything had just gotten so out of control. Streamlining, he thought. That’s just what I need. He just needed time to get all his affairs in order, and then he could think about love. After all, if they really were meant to be together, they would be. If not, he would find someone he clicked with even more. Everything would be okay soon. If it didn’t work out, it just wouldn’t be fair.

But then again, when was life ever fair?