~~~J~~~

I was pushed out of the room, and Papa Tuan smiled apologetically as the door slammed in my face. I could hear Papa Tuan talking lowly to Mark, urging him to breathe. But that’s all I could hear as Mama Tuan guided me downstairs and into the kitchen. I sat in silence as Mama Tuan put a hot drink and a few bits of food in front of me.

“Mama, how long has he…” she sighed in response to my question and I shuddered. It sounded like she was exhausted, like she was too old to deal with this. “Mama, please… I feel like I hardly know him right now… I felt so lost, so helpless…”

“It was a panic attack, Jackson.” Papa Tuan entered the kitchen behind us and I jumped slightly. “He got them as a kid sometimes, but hasn’t had one for years.” I looked at him curiously and he sighed. “I don’t know why it happened.” Papa Tuan put his head in his hands.

“This is why I can’t go back.” Mark’s voice was raspy, and as I turned around I could see on is face that he had been crying. “Please leave, Jacks. Please.”

“What do you mean?” JB sounded furious. “I thought you said you had figured out what was wrong?”

“He… he refused to see you?” Jr was gobsmacked and I knew he didn’t quite believe me. “Why…?”

“Jr, I don’t know.” He huffed and the younger members glared at me.

“Why did you leave then, hyung?” Yugyeom bit back at me. “He needs us! We need him! Why did you leave him alone?” The last part had turned into a shriek, and I flinched.

“Hyung…” Youngjae murmured. “Did you even really try?”

I backed up until my back touched the door. That shocked me. The look of betrayal in his eyes was akin to the look he had when Mark had left. They all looked as if I had just told them I had decided to quit and go solo. I held up my hands in a motion of surrender but BamBam decided to speak before I could.

“Mark-hyung… would never…” He only got that far before he hid his face and his tears.

“Jackson, what are you hiding?” JB growled.

“Guys…” I sighed and slid down the door. “I can’t…” Jr pulled me to my feet and into a hug. “We shouldn’t have come…” I murmured into Jr’s shoulder and the others just gaped.

“Why…?” JB questioned. “Why do you say that?”

~~~M~~~

“Mark…” My dad sighed and I ignored him and headed to the computer. “Mark, we need to talk about this…”

“Just…” I sighed and looked at him over the computer screen, “not now Dad.”

My twitter was flooded by fans begging me to return, raging at me for quitting, then this one chick asking me to marry her? I never understood fans… Dad pressed the power button and glared at me.

“Don’t you think the guys deserve an explanation?” I shrugged and he rolled his eyes. “Don’t you think an explanation is what Jackson needs too?”

So that’s why I’m currently listening to the rest of the band try to convince Jackson to tell them why I wasn’t returning.

“Guys… I can’t…” I held my breath as Jackson’s voice cracked. “We shouldn’t have come…”

“Why…?” JB sounded heartbroken, like someone had told him his puppy had run away. “Why do toy say that?”

I heard a rushed intake of breath and a gasp of surprise. I listened harder, trying to figure out what I should say. What I needed to say to my friends. Who I abandoned. Who probably hate me… My hands were shaking. My mind was whirring and my heart pounding. I knew I was on the verge of a panic attack again, and I tried to reason with myself.

“Jackson-hyung…” I heard the hushed voice of BamBam murmur. “Why…Are you crying?” What? Jacks… crying… no… “Hyung…?”

I steeled myself and knocked on the door. It burst open to reveal JB, eyes flaring, until they rested on me.

“Mark…” I heard something drop behind him, and almost giggled to myself. Just like a drama. “What are you doing here?” His voice was cold, and his eyes were darkening rapidly, like they always did before he lost his temper.

“Is…” My voice caught in my throat and I hid my face. “Is Jackson alright?” JB’s glare just deepened and I flinched. “I think I scared him a little…” He turned his back and walked into the room, so I followed.

Jackson was wrapped in Jr and BamBam’s embrace when I saw him and my heart dropped.

“Hyung!” Yongjae and Yugyeom rand tp me and tackled me to the ground. “NOT LETTING GO!”

I struggled under their weight and breathed a sigh of relief when Jackson, literally, lifted them off. They shouted and complained but Jackson just pulled them away from me.

“Why did you come, Mark?” Jackson asked quietly. “Won’t this trigger another…”

“Probably.” He looked at me and laughed a little. “But I need to…”

He wrapped me in a hug and I froze. “Don’t say it…” He almost whimpered. “If you say it, it means it’s real. That you’re gone. That you’ve left me…”

“I’m sorry…”