Kim Jongdae is a mess.

 

Either it’s the high fever or actually his mental state, whatever it is, it’s making him wrecked and dysfunctional.

 

Kim Jongdae is a mess, and Jongin doesn’t know why.

 

He knows that Jongdae is in the middle of trying to deal with the rejection, but he didn’t imagine a broken heart could cause so much pain on his brother’s side. Life still goes on even if the girl you like doesn’t like you back, Jongdae had told him just the day before. But now it seems like those words had backfired on him instead.

 

“Hyung, your soup is here.” Jongin carefully says, placing the tray that carries a bowl of soup on Jongdae’s desk. He knows his brother is awake, and he understands that the latter chooses to keep shutting his eyes. It must be burning.

 

Carrying the soup with him, Jongin circles the bed to get to the other side where Jongdae lies. He sits at the chair he had placed right next to the side and waits until Jongdae peeks an eye open. “Hi.”

 

He couldn’t figure out what’s in Jongdae’s mind through the unreadable look in the said brother’s eyes. One thing he knows is that it’s not something pleasant. “Can you sit up? I’ll help you.”

 

“No.”

 

Jongin holds a heavy sigh that was tempting to get out. “You have to eat so you can take your medicine.” he states the obvious.

 

“I don’t want to.” Jongdae replies with a heavily raspy voice.

 

“Do I have to call Baekhyun hyung to feed you?”

 

Jongin knows it will irk Jongdae if he says it, because Baekhyun could be as sassy as an old lady could be when it comes to things like this. He could practically imagine how Baekhyun will force Jongdae to eat with a lot of naggings. However, he didn’t expect Jongdae to reject in a very hostile way. “ him.” he spits.

 

Well, someone’s very pissed off.

 

“Then it leaves me alone to feed you. So?” Jongin asks. “I don’t care if you’re going to curse at me since it’s for your own good and you’d probably forget everything once you’re healthy and on your full mind again so let’s get you to sit up.”

 

Jongdae eventually obliges. He circles his arms on Jongin’s shoulder as the younger pulls him up into sitting position on the bed. He keeps eyeing every movement his baby brother does, from feeding him to constantly feeling the heat on his forehead. Jongin, who’s actually aware of being stared all the time, doesn’t make a fuss of it. Sick Jongdae means Weird Jongdae.

 

“I need an advice.” Jongdae blurts out.

 

The younger frowns. “If it’s about love and s, you know better not to ask me.”

 

“No no no. To the hell with love.” he spits before he takes another scoop of soup into his mouth, swallowing it with all his energy. “Let’s say you’re betrayed by someone so close, so ing close to you.”

 

“Like close in physical way or close in emotional way?”

 

“… both?”

 

Jongin shrugs. “Go on.”

 

“However, that someone doesn’t even realize that he had betrayed you. He doesn’t even know he had done a betrayal. It wasn’t his fault at all. Yet still, you’re hurt because of him. What would you do?”

 

“Whoa, for someone with thirty eight degrees fever, you talk very properly.” Jongin snorts. “I guess… well I can’t really say since I’ve never been in that kind of situation but for now, I can say that I guess I’ll let it pass. You said it wasn’t his fault and he doesn’t even know he had done something bad to you, right?” he waits until his brother nods “It’s not a betrayal if he’s not aware of it, right?”

 

Jongdae stares long. “But it hurts so ing much.”

 

He could already smell that something is going on with Jongdae. He assumes that Jongdae is having a problem with someone close with him and the closest person that he could think of is Baekhyun, judging by how he had reacted when Jongin said the supposedly best friend’s name. However he doesn’t want to fish out anything from a sick person, so he shrugs off his curiosity and chuckles at his brother. “Yet you have to be fair too. He didn’t mean to do it, right?”

 

“Doesn’t change the fact that it has already happened.”

 

“Well, hyung, sometimes life is just as messed up as that. In the end all you could do is to cope with it, sleep it away before praying that the next day you wake up, it will be better even for just a tiny little bit.”

 

It looks like Jongdae is thinking very hard on his brother’s words. “Okay…” he mumbles.

 

Jongin laughs as he retreats from the bed – Jongdae had finished his soup. “Now take your meds.”

 

“Yes, mother.”

 

===

 

“I can’t believe it.” Chanyeol props his chin on his palm, resting his arm on the table in front of him. “Jongdae, staying under the rain, it sounds bizarre. I mean, he loathes rain.”

 

“Maybe he got stuck on the way home?” Sehun says his suggestion.

 

Kyungsoo turns at Jongin. “He drives his own car, right?”

 

Jongin slowly nods. “But apparently he had left it at the park in the neighborhood. One of the house’s workers had to get it for him. Seems like he walked on the way home.”

 

“Jongdae loathes walking!”

 

The lunch proceeds as Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Sehun keeps giving out their own opinion about what Jongdae did the day before, all while Jongin takes a good observation at the only one at the table who hasn’t talked at all: Baekhyun. It seems like he doesn’t want to talk about Jongdae, or afraid of doing so. It only adds more suspicion to Jongin’s side. And not to mention that Baekhyun had acted weird when he asked him where did Jongdae go yesterday. The only assumption he could come up with is that Baekhyun and Jongdae had gotten into a misunderstanding.

 

“Baek hyung,” Jongin calls and waits for Baekhyun to look at him, “mind to come with me to get some chocolate milk?”

 

Baekhyun, who looks like he just woke up from a daze, nods eventually and stands up, following the younger to the nearest vendor machine in the cafeteria. He watches Jongin fishing out his wallet, and the question that Jongin throws to him after that wasn’t expected at all.

 

“Did you fight with hyung?” Jongin asks, eyes on the machine.

 

He almost stutters to answer, but he chooses to calm down first. “I… don’t think we did.”

 

‘Let’s say you’re betrayed by someone so close, so ing close to you.’

 

“Well yeah, the day before yesterday you guys were fine, but something is really off with hyung and you. Not to mention that you looked stiff when others talked about hyung.” Jongin says as he hands Baekhyun a small carton of chocolate milk. “I’m not taking sides, Baek hyung. I just want to know why. Jongdae hyung has been looking so devastated since he got home yesterday.

 

Baekhyun chooses to stare down on his feet; somehow his sneakers are more entertaining than ever right now. “I really don’t know.”

 

‘However, that someone doesn’t even realize that he had betrayed you. He doesn’t even know he had done a betrayal.’

 

“Are you sure, Baek hyung?” Jongin asks again, sounding so calm yet intriguing.

 

Hardly, Baekhyun nods. “I mean, as far as I…” he trails off before he continues, “I mean, I guess I have to remember again if I ever did something wrong. I assure you I’d… apologize to him.”

 

‘It wasn’t his fault at all. Yet still, you’re hurt because of him.’

 

Jongin sighs. “You do know that you’re looking very suspicious right now, right?” he says before he pats Baekhyun’s shoulder. “I won’t dig any deeper because I respect you two. But I’m saying that you guys need to finish it all at once just like usual. You guys are like, the best of friends even before I was born, so it’s kind of sad to see both of you having a problem with each other.”

 

It’s a very long silence for the both of them. Then Baekhyun chooses to end it with a soft sigh. “Yeah. He’s my very best friend.” he murmurs.

 

If Jongin tastes some bitterness in Baekhyun’s voice, he doesn’t show it – yet.

 

 

 

“So I heard your brother is sick.”

 

Jongin looks up to see Soojung’s pretty-as-usual face. “Well you heard right.”

 

Soojung chuckles slightly before she settles down onto the spot on the bench next to Jongin. Somehow she recalls the times when they were seatmates for four years straight in high school. It brings a lot of memories into her mind, and unknowingly, a smile creeps on her lips.

 

“What are you smiling about?” Jongin stares. “It’s creepy.”

 

“Shut up.” Soojung pinches Jongin’s arm casually, despite the yelping sound her friend instantly make from the pain. “Anyway, have you seen Sehun? After your classes, I mean.”

 

“Eh? I’m not sure. You know that kid always disappears on his own.” Jongin murmurs. “Maybe he’s meeting Luhan sunbae at the bubble tea shop; you know both of them are obsessed with that drink.”

 

Soojung nods eventually before they fall into another silence. The school’s park is seemingly empty at four pm, and suddenly both of them are aware that there are only the two of them who are present in the place.

 

“Why do you ask about him, though?” Jongin asks before coughing.

 

Twirling a few strands of her hair around her index finger, Soojung blinks away the blush that starts to creep on her cheeks. “I just have something to talk about with him.”

 

“Oh? Since when do you guys talk about something secretly?” Jongin narrows his eyes on her playfully. “I smell something fishy called romance here.”

 

“Shut up.” Soojung pinches Jongin’s arm again; harder this time. “Just something you guys have no red strings with.”

 

Jongin tsked in awe. “Red strings, huh? I always like the way you speak what you want to say through beautiful and poetic words.”

 

Glaring elegantly at Jongin, Soojung just huffs before her eyes wander over the skies. “Why aren’t you home yet?”

 

Jongin shrugs casually, casting his eyes over the enormous tree not really far in front of them. “I don’t really know,” he mumbles, “the air at home is kind of strained.”

 

“Huh? Why is that so?”

 

“Jongdae hyung.” he answers simply. And somehow those two words are enough to satisfy Soojung, because the girl falls into silence after it. “I think hyung is taking the heart break thing into a serious level. Maybe it’s because this is his first time falling in love so hard with a girl and being heartbroken like this.”

 

Soojung nods slowly. “How is he, actually?”

 

“His fever hasn’t been down this morning. Hopefully he’ll be fine later when I come home. But you know, he has been emitting this kind of dark aura around him. I think it’s because his mood is at the lowest.”

 

Wihout knowing, Soojung casts a warm smile at him. “You’re so adorable, talking about your brother like that.”

 

Jongin raises an eyebrow. “Like what?”

 

“Like you’re really concerned of him.” Soojung giggles. “Boys aren’t that blatant when it comes to being worried about their sibling or friend, or even lover. It’s like if you’re so open about your feelings, you’d be less manly. But actually girls think of boys who show their thoughts as mature or even adorable ones.”

 

“So you’re saying that I’m adorable?”

 

“Shut up.” another pinch, another yelp.

 

Both of them fall into another calming silence, and Jongin was about to close his eyes when Soojung speaks again. “You really care about your brother, huh?”

 

“Of course I do.” Jongin smiles. “Even if everyone in this world claims that they love him, mine will always be bigger than theirs. And I’m sure he loves me that much too.”

 

After another silence, Soojung whispers again. “Say that you have something he had always wanted, and he’s very devastated by it. What would you do?”

 

Jongin thinks for a while, weighing the thing inside his head – he’s thinking of why Soojung is asking something so gloomy instead. “Well I’d give it up for him.”

 

Soojung looks up at him. “You really will?”

 

He nods. “He has given up so much for me, I have to pay him back some time eventually.”

 

“Hm. Just because you have to pay him back?”

 

“Geez, what’s up with you today?” Jongin sneers, avoiding Soojung’s deathly pinch. “Well, partly because of it, but mostly because, well, if the thing can make hyung happy, why don’t just let him have it? I mean, I have other things to be happy with, and seeing him happy is one of them. It’s just the same for me.”

 

He notices that Soojung is being quiet, and he finds her staring up at him with an unreadable emotion in her eyes. “You’re pretty selfless.” Soojung whispers at him.

 

Jongin tilts his head. “Am I?”

 

“Yeah.” she continues. “I’m friends with selfless people, yet…” she trails off.

 

The end of her words never came.

 

===

 

“Your fever is down already.” Mr. Kim smiles proudly as he retreats back from touching his son’s forehead. “I guess you can go to class again in two to three days.”

 

Jongdae frowns. “Dad, don’t talk like a doctor. And no, I’m going to class tomorrow. I can’t waste three more days; the exams are coming.”

 

“But son, you have to understand. You barely get sick, which means once you do, it will be serious.”

 

“But you said yourself that my fever is down; doesn’t that mean I’m fine now?”

 

“Well, do you feel you’re fine?”

 

Jongdae leans back at the couch, thinking over his father’s words. The man’s right. “Not really.”

 

“Exactly.” Mr. Kim huffs before he chuckles. “Just rest until tomorrow, Jongdae.”

 

Pouting, Jongdae snuggles more into the cushion. “Okay then. Just let me watch my drama in peace.”

 

“Hm? You’ve been possessed by this drama lately, I see.” his father sits next to him on the couch, eyes on the big screen TV in front of them. “Is the story good?”

 

“It’s freaking awesome. I can’t believe I didn’t watch it last year.” Jongdae breathes. “It’s about a guy who could do a time travel with incense sticks, and he uses them to change his family’s fate, but it got all pretty messed up and he’s trying to fix everything, although everytime he fixes one, he’d mess another.”

 

His father nods in enthusiasm. “What happened to his family?”

 

“Well, his father was killed and then burnt inside the hospital where he had worked, his brother turned to be the one who accidentally killed the father, his mother went mentally sick after that.” Jongdae points at the actor on the screen. “He tried to save his father but it was too late. And he had changed something about his brother’s past with a woman, he made them got back together again and got married, but it had caused his girlfriend become his niece instead since the woman his brother married is his girlfriend’s mother.”

 

“What? The story is too heavy. I’m not going to watch it.” Mr. Kim heaves as he stands up. “A glass of chocolate milk is better.”

 

“Geez, old man, stop drinking sweets!” Jongdae nags. “You’re supposed to drink coffee or tea at such an age.”

 

“Don’t care, son. Chocolate milk is my life.”

 

Jongdae cringes. No wonder why both him and Jongin love chocolate milk to death; his father had inherited the gene.

 

Minutes passed with Jongdae being immersed in the drama and Mr. Kim occasionally sipping his milk while reading through tons of e-mails from work – he had went home by twelve at the noon to take care of his son and cancelled three meetings, so he has to pay what he had sacrificed with another load of works and documents to read. But then the silence was interrupted with Jongdae’s sudden voice.

 

“Hey dad,” he says, “if somehow I have those kind of incense stick and I can go back to twenty years before, will you agree if I use them to save mom? Well it means I have to wait until I’m thirty so I can use it to get back to the year when mom passed away. However, will you?”

 

Mr. Kim looks up to find his son staring softly at him. Between the two of his sons, Jongdae was the one who got affected the most by his wife’s death. Their mother was Jongdae’s angel, idol, the living example of the woman he wants to be married with someday. It was a wreck of mess when the woman passed away; Jongdae’s mental was in unstable state for months. Little Jongin who was only eight years old back then was surprisingly the calmer one. He was the youngest, yet he was already big hearted enough to accept his mother’s death and decided to be a good boy instead so his mother can be proud of him when they meet again someday. It was different with Jongdae; he was in a great pain that no one could understand. Luckily little Jongin was the one who could reach him all the time, and the little guy had helped his brother went through the hard days after being left by their mother. Even until now, Mr. Kim is still worried about what Jongdae really feels.

 

He sees himself in Jongdae’s eyes everytime his son talks about his wife; a version of him who tries to coats all the pain with smile.

 

“No.” he whispers. “I won’t agree.”

 

Jongdae blinks at his father. “But why?”

 

Mr. Kim settles down the mug filled with chocolate milk on the coffee table before him and stares across the room. “Do you know, son, about one thing I always hope for even until now?” he starts slowly. “It’s to see your mother once more. To see her eyes staring back at mine, to see her lips softly smiling for me, to feel her warm hand in mine. If there is something I could do to bring her back to me, I’d do it, I’d take every single chance to do so. But,” he shifts his gaze to his son, “everything happens for a reason. Let’s say that your mother didn’t die in that accident, who knows she might die in a worse one? Maybe she’d suffer from an ill and have to endure the pain for years, maybe she’d die in a murdering, or other bad things that could’ve happened to her if she was alive. Maybe, son, God loves her too much that He doesn’t want to put her in so much pain and decided to take her earlier so she won’t suffer. What I’m trying to say is, everything happens for the better, although it seems bad in our eyes. Don’t you think so?”

 

A short silence. “You’re saying that what’s happened should be left that way.”

 

Mr. Kim nods with a smile. “Yes, son.”

 

“Well, that was the answer I’ve expected from you.” Jongdae grins before he points at the screen. “Look at Park Sunwoo, he changes his family’s fate and got tons of happened to him and messes up a lot of things. He actually succeeds fixing the mistakes that had happened but he got stuck and died in the past for the exchange. Don’t mess with fate, this story seems to say.”

 

“I don’t mean it to that extent, son, but well, if you understand then so be it.” Mr. Kim laughs before immediately stopping it as he turns his gaze towards the front door. “Oh, Jongin must be home.”

 

Jongdae looks at the clock on the wall across him. It’s nine thirty pm, which means Jongin should be home by now after helping Kyungsoo at the Do’s restaurant. “Yeah it must be him.”

 

“Just stay here, son, I’ll get it.” Mr. Kim stands up before he strides away to the front door. Jongdae shrugs before he gets back to watching the drama, occasionally stealing a few sips from his father’s chocolate milk.

 

But then the name his father called got him freezing.

 

 

 

“Thanks Soo! See you tomorrow.” Jongin waves outside the car to Kyungsoo who’s waving back at him behind the wheel. He watches as the car drifts away, disappearing into another block. He turns back, whistling as he opens the gate to his house. He was about to climb up to the porch when the front door suddenly bursts open.

 

Then appears a guy, eyes red from crying, chest heaving out of rage. He couldn’t believe his eyes at first, but the person is really here. “Baekhyun hyung??”

 

Baekhyun didn’t answer. He bows slightly at Jongin and swiftly walks him by.

 

“Baek hyung!” Jongin calls as he starts to catch up with him. “Hyung, what happened??”

 

The older one stops and turns around, facing him with eyes glued on the ground.

 

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun whispers brokenly. “I’m sorry.”

 

Then he walks away again, into the dim lit streets of the neighborhood.

 

Jongin holds his breath and stares at the front door. He could hear his father talking with his brother; the latter sounds… angry.

 

Something is really wrong.

 

===