HERO

Jessica's 1st POV

     Reality is truly frightening, but it is the fate that every living being has to face. Even at some point in time, those dreams that we lock ourselves in be it in the day or night seem to fade. They keep fading till they are gone and you can no longer escape based off of imagination. I can no longer think everything will be solved if I just leave, if I just numb the pain, if I forget.

     It still exists and it is only getting worst when I try to pretend that it is not. I have made things worst.

     We all have and I, Jessica Jung admit this. If we can’t accept this harsh fact of reality, how can we fix what is broken when our hands are over our eyes? We can’t. We must remove them and finally see this devastation to bring it to a resolve.

     I’ve learned this just now when Jiyong took me to a doctor’s office in the hospital after visiting Tyler where a doctor and nurse were waiting for us. The only thing that was missing was the patient themselves, but that was why I was here.

     Yet, as I took a seat in front of the doctor and the nurse, that I recognized to be from SM’s infirmary for idol injuries, I knew that I would learn about something that would hurt me. I welcome the pain, because I will fight through it till the end.

      “Hello Ms. Jung and Mr. Kwon, I am Taeyeon’s doctor who have been her active physician since the year of 2012. You may call me Dr. Song,” A female doctor with a clean look said to us as she wore her white coat in an office chair, as I and Jiyong sat in guest seats in front of her desk.

      “I’m sure you two already know who I am. I am Nurse Ming from SM’s infirmary for personal care of Idols and staff. I came here today to help inform you regarding Taeyeon’s condition,” Nurse Ming told us with a bow as she stood up next to the doctor that made her long ponytail fall over her shoulder, on top of her pink and white heart scrubs.

      “Taeyeon’s condition?” I asked slightly confused and looked over at Jiyong who was looking forward at them as he sat relaxed back in the chair with his hands crossed. Was this about her stab wound? I heard it wasn’t that bad.

      “Yes, Taeyeon’s condition. We weren’t able to get in contact with Taeyeon personally to get permission to share her medical records, but it seems a higher source is giving us permission to tell you,” She said with caution and my eyes flicked over to Jiyong. I’m sure that had to be him.

      “You see Taeyeon has currently disappeared since the morning she was discharged on March 14. A report has been secretly filed to the police, but nothing has been found on her,” Dr. Song told me in her soft and yet worried tone of voice.

     I was just rendered speechless as my own mind was trapped in its own worries. Did she run away? No, did someone kidnap her? Was it the person that stabbed her?

      “Before, we go any further with this; we need to share information regarding a recent incident with Taeyeon. It occurred on her birthday, March the 9^th around noon time. She had a seizure, that is called a Grand Mal seizure,” She took a pause, for me to absorb what she told me and I looked away, remembering when I was drowning myself in alcohol and she came looking for me. Was it after that?

       “It was her first time having that type of seizure since the year after I became her doctor. In other words, she hasn’t had a seizure since 2013, four years ago,” She shared with me and I envisioned seeing shaking, which was all of my knowledge concerning seizures.

       “How long has she had seizures?” I asked, wondering if all this time she’s had this problem and I haven’t even noticed.

       “According to information from her previous physician before me, she had started having seizures in the middle of the year of 2011. As for any other information before she became my patient, I do not possess that in my files or knowledge and I wouldn’t be inclined to tell you either,” She spoke professionally and picked up a clip board with paper, handing it to me.

      “Please take a look at this while I explain what a Grand Mal seizure is and how this type of seizure has affected Taeyeon to up today,” She told me and I quickly took it, wanting to know about Taeyeon more than ever now. Was this what you were hiding from all this time Taeyeon?

     “A Grand Mal seizure is one of the many types of seizures. It is the type of seizure that most people picture with the loss of consciousness and violent shaking of the body,” She told me and I looked up, seeing her shake her hands to get the point across and I nodded my head, showing I understood.

      “There is quite a sum of causes for this type of seizure and according to some nonsufficient reports; Taeyeon’s cause came from immense trauma and stress. If you ask me what type of trauma, I don’t know. According to Mr. Kwon, he told me that Taeyeon told him that she was . This could be one reason of explanations. As being a member of her group, do you know of any trauma that happened to this client for our better of understanding,” She said while the paper I was just about to lift froze in my hand.

     She motioned my hand toward my right, where Jiyong was and the moment I turned my head, he leaned over looking at me with just as much distress in his eyes.

      “Taeyeon was with me that night after she had the seizure and I asked her what happened between two of you, since she was freaking out about the birthday gift you got her. She said that she was and you weren’t there,” He shook his head, trying to describe the absence of me on a tragic event in her life.

       “W-When?” I asked, trying to calculate when all this occurred and he shook his head again.

       “I don’t know. I tried not to push her too much to talk and she didn’t say anything more,” He sighed with disappointment and lowered the clipboard to my lap, suddenly remembering what Jaejoong told me before.

    “Are you sure? Haven’t you heard about that ex-trainee who came out talking about they were and ually abused by their CEO? They didn’t talk till they left the agency.”

    No, that still just doesn’t make any sense to me…but it does make sense, but I just don’t want to believe it.

    “Taeyeon was pregnant that year…and she lost her baby because of me…because of some things I said,” I quickly spoke, trying to find a better explanation for the trauma.

    “What?” Jiyong asked breathlessly and the doctor’s eyes widened, but the nurse quickly looked away. As far as I can remember Nurse Ming has been the head nurse of SM’s infirmary since the year of 2000, meaning she has been around for twenty years and even more she is loyal to SM. She should know all about this all ready.

    “That is my first time ever hearing of that. There are no medical records of Taeyeon being pregnant in the year of 2011,” She spoke as if she was pregnant again, but I nodded my head.

    “I only recently found out that she was pregnant then myself, but she had a miscarriage…because of me,” I whispered with fret and I lowered my head in shame.

    I can still remember those angry, sea-glass eyes that were screaming betrayal at me with gypsum tears that poured like the rain that night we sang our last song together.

    “I know everything! Just like I know how that kid just died, because I wasn’t able to save him…I wasn’t even trying to save you back then Taeyeon. I was so angry…so ing angry that I told them everything and you must have been so stressed that you had a miscarriage. B-But, here you are still before me and I’m hurting you along with more people!”

    Even thought when I said that, she kept trying to hide the fact.

“You have no ing idea what you are talking about Jessica Jung.”

    How could I not figure it out when you kept screaming at me that I killed you?

    “These things being said, it is evident that Taeyeon went through great trauma and stress of the celebrity life,” The doctor was getting back on track as she held her hands together, to continue.

    “I had diagnosed Taeyeon with medicine that was for Grand Mal seizures along with treatment, in which it got better till it all disappeared together, but now it has reappeared due to a variety of things that I have examined over by the subjective reports given to me by Manager Kim, Nurse Ming and Kwon Jiyong, along with the recent medical reports that was received from the last time Taeyeon was in the hospital,” She said and I just nodded, ready to hear what she had to say.

    “Manager Kim told me that she had been stressed with the news of the media coming out about her, relationships and even more battling for the seat of a leader in Girls Generation. Both Nurse Ming and Kwon Jiyong reported to me that a set of events made her worst after the first seizure, correct?” She asked Nurse Ming and Kwon Jiyong, in which I was suddenly questioning.

    She had more than one seizure?

    “As for the medical reports…” She hesitated as she was looking down at some papers and lowered them down with a grimace, before she replied with a dread.

    “Ms. Kim was tested positive for opium drugs in her system, which was Heroin and reported to be 9 weeks pregnant.”

    It was all just a distant echo as I just stared at her, in which she looked down from this frightening news.

    I’m not sure which one was worst. Was it the Heroin or being pregnant? No, wait it was both.

    There was silence amongst the room as my own eyes burned with a lake pooling in them while I turned my head slowly to look at Jiyong who was looking down with the utterance of disgrace.

    “You gave her drugs, didn’t you?” I asked him and the line on his lips pressed tigher while his jaws tightened.

    I knew this would happen. I knew it and I couldn’t even stop her.

    “Answer me!” I exclaimed and my chest rose and fall from the expansion of breaths rushing through my lungs.

    “Yes, I did. I gave her heroin,” He finally admitted and looked at me with sorrow dripping from his eyes.

    My teeth gritted and grinded against one another to the point it hurt and I turned my head away from him instantly.

    Right now I wanted to explode. I wanted to cuss, but I couldn’t for Taeyeon’s sake. I had to understand everything what was going on. I had to for Taeyeon.

    The doctor continued. “These are the pressures that brought on Taeyeon’s first seizure and after this seizure; this is when the effects started to show. Please inform them Ms. Ming,” She handed the conversation to the nurse and I just kept my head turned, listening.

    Taeyeon is pregnant again? B-By who?

    “Manager Kim had brought Taeyeon to SM’s infirmary after she had her seizure. We kept her there till she had awoken, but when she had awakened she did not remember anything at all. She could not even remember her name, past and even her surroundings that she was once familiar with,” She told me and I was brought to look at her.

    Are you saying Taeyeon has forgotten everything?

    “It is common for a seizure to cause temporary and even permanent memory loss. For Taeyeon’s case, it is temporary, but it seems it has gotten worse,” The doctor added in and Nurse Ming continued in her stead.

    “When Taeyeon had awakened, there was news by phone that her sister Hayeon was in the hospital again due to cancer. Taeyeon seemed to have some remembrance or even an instinct to worry and want to see Hayeon immediately. She quickly went with Manager Kim to the hospital and Manager Kim reported to me later that he was forced to be separated from Taeyeon in the parking lot from which he first thought were kidnappers,” Nurse Ming stopped and I was wondering why she stopped.

    The person next to me took up her side of the story and I already felt my blood boiling.

    “You see…I had the hospital to call Taeyeon and to fake the call that her sister was sick so she would come there,” He muttered and I snatched my head violently to stare and even sneer at him.

    “Why would you do that!?” I belted from my vocal chords and I didn’t even know my hand was squeezing the arm of the chair I was in to the point it had turned the color of hot red.

    “It was her birthday,” He muttered again as if that was a decent excuse and looked away from my deadening stare.

    “So you lied to her just for some damn birthday? Did you not know what she was going through already?!” I raised my voice up and Nurse Ming had stepped forth.

    “Please hear him out first Jessica,” She told me calmly and I pressed my lips hard together.

    “Because it was her birthday, I came up with an idea to surprise her. It was to kidnap her and show her up at her birthday. I first had to draw her out and make her not suspect me so I planned it out with her family to make her come to the hospital worried, then they would just give her a light scare when they kidnap her. I had Taeyeon’s friends to do that, but when she was brought to the birthday party, s-she just began shaking and convulsing…I-I just didn’t know what to do,” He spoke with despair rumbling from the bottom of his heart and I just wiped the spill from cheek softly.

    Jiyong then took in a deep breath and looked up, revealing his reddened face.

    “I got in contact with Manager Kim after that and that was when I found out what you are finding out today,” He whispered with dismay and stared at me, multiplying the uneasiness in my heart.

    “So, what happened after she had the seizure?” I asked and there was silence amongst the room suddenly, until I had taken a deep breath to talk, but Jiyong did in my place, since it was most likely Taeyeon was in his care at that time.

    “She woke up shortly after the seizure and she didn’t even remember me,” He breathed again out as if had lost his will for living. I really underestimated you Jiyong. You really do love her.

    “I told her who I was and I was able to talk to her by having her write down her replies on an erase board since she couldn’t talk,” he said to me and I blinked, in which the doctor quickly filled in the loophole.

    “Oh, it is also common that after a seizure, the patient will find it difficult to talk or at all till some days after, which happened to Taeyeon in her case,” She said and I was in a wonder. I never knew seizures had such a great toll on a person.

    Jiyong continued but with a soft grin on his lips. “Even if she didn’t remember me, she still fell for me again. So, to make her feel better I went through the process of the birthday party, but…” He drifted off and I knew there was trouble signaled in that.

    “When you come along to give her a present, I think she remembered some bad memories and that’s why she started to hit you,” He explained and I was sent back to that appalling moment.

    “I was able to calm her down although, but it seemed she was depressed after it. I had her to open some more presents to get her mind off of it…but it seemed an anti-fan’s present got through to her. It was a woman’s menstruation items with actual blood on them,” He said with disgust crawling out of his voice like a nasty spider and I shivered instantly.

    “T-That’s so horrible,” I commented as I tried to envision that myself and I’m sure they had to be incredibly awful, especially when she couldn’t remember a thing already.

    “She had thrown up and I had left her with Hayeon temporarily, in which she fell asleep so I just took her home with me. I got her medicine from Manager Kim and I told him I would give it to her when she awakened,” he spoke as if things were starting to get better.

    But, they didn’t.

    “In the middle of that same night, she woke up throwing up and in complete misery. I don’t know why she was feeling like that. Manager Kim didn’t tell me she would feel like due to the seizure, so I was just lost and confused. She wouldn’t even take her medicine,” He began talking real fast like he was guilty.

    “So…I gave her a shot of Heroin,” He confessed hastily as if I would miss that small detail and I pushed the clipboard that was on my lap on the floor to clatter with the sudden eruption of anger I felt.

    He flinched a little and in his bottom lip with an inhale as I was letting him go on.

    “After that she got better and I was able to talk again since she took the Heroin every day as she stayed at my place. I-I tried getting her to take her Grand Mal medicine, but she wouldn’t take it. She screamed, cried and even begged till I would give her the Heroin. Without she was like a monster,” He said and squinted as if he was in deeply thinking about it.

    “You made her a monster,” I whispered at him with disgust at its most.

    “I did,” He admitted and my eyebrows scrunched together furiously simply because he was admitting it too easily.

    “Is there anything more?” I asked with a soft laugh from how I was just fooled. I just thought he loved Taeyeon and yet he caused her to become some ing druggie like him.

    “Yes…” He drifted off and I let my feet hit the floor with a sound as I sat up more.

    “Great,” I spoke pissed and he just sighed, before finishing up.

    “It was the night before she had to go on the Music Core winning performances that I had given her the present you brought her. She looked at it and was fancied by what was in it, till I told her it came from you. Strangely, she had some memories about you, but they were only bad…till she had another seizure that night,” He told me and I wasn’t even left speechless, but breathless.
    “She woke up in the morning and forgot every memory she had with me after the one night stand we had at the New Year’s Eve party. It was like we went back in time almost. I was just GD and not Jiyong anymore,” He spoke with saturated defeat and for a moment I felt bad for him till he looked at me with wide eyes.

    “But, as for you, she remembers you,” He said and it was as if he was pushing a knife down in my heart for her remembering me but not him. Was he jealous?

    “According to Manager Kim, he said that she thought you were still studying for fashion in New York and that you treated her coldly. She kept coming after you wanting to say sorry for whatever she did and even snatched the microphone from you on stage. Why did you treat her so cold? What the hell did you two do to each other for you both to turn out like this!?” He was yelling at me madly this time as I just let my lips part while I was in a state of shcok.

    “Do you not even know what the fans are saying online now about her? That she was just so immature that she wanted to steal your mic from you and make you look like a fool, but it was herself that looked like a fool. Still then, you ignored her and she ran after you till the point she let her guards down and someone took that moment to try to kill her. What would you have done if she died?” He asked me cruelly and I gripped my chest instantly, shaking my head.

    “Stop this now!” Nurse Ming asserted loudly but I was just looking away, trying to blink away the tears suddenly drowning my eyes from their vision, but the more I was forcing the tears to go away, the more they came.

    I wanted him to stop talking for a moment as I was trying to get a hold of my breath, but he wouldn’t stop. He just wouldn’t ing stop.

    “Then after she gets stabbed and gets a thread and needle pushed all through her skin, she finds out she is pregnant. And, now look, she’s ing gone. She’s nowhere to be found with no one knowing where she is! She could be dead for all we know” he let his words slide out with such a wicked means and I felt like he just put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger.

    With my body already shaking the misery out of me and my eyes streaming my sins, I stared at him wide eyed as he stood up, staring down at me as if I was the root of all evil.

    “Tell me what you will do now Jessica, since I am not even capable of doing anything but hurting her and even more losing her?” He asked me in painful defeat after just blaring at me and I showed him what I was able of doing the moment I broke down in tears and mourns to fall in my hands.

***

    There was only a few more details concerning Taeyeon’s condition, but I sat through it all, listening, absorbing and thinking, but before I could apply how I could help Taeyeon, I had to find her.

    According to the doctor, for Taeyeon to be thinking that I was studying peacefully in new York, she is in a phase of repression, where she even makes up delusions so everything can make sense and even more, make her feel better.

    Before, we had left, I pulled Nurse Ming to the side in the hallway privately and desperately I asked her, “You know something more, don’t you?” I asked and she looked away, shaking her head.

    “I don’t know what you mean,” She said sternly and pulled away her arm away from my grip as if she even couldn’t trust me.

    “Dr. Song told us that they didn’t have any information from her old physician. I know around that Taeyeon was pregnant and she lost it. She disappeared for some months to go on a vacation in Jeju Island. Are you sure there is nothing more to this?” I asked her and she sighed as if I was tiring her out.

    “I only know so much. If you have any question regarding Taeyeon’s activities and absences, you should ask Mr. Youngmin directly,” She told me with discretion before she turned and left of her own accords. She knows something and for her even to point to Mr. Youngmin, it’s clear he has something to do with him. Could he really have done that to her?

    “What are you going to do first?” I heard Jiyong’s voice suddenly behind me and I turned, kind of ashamed to even look in his eyes.

    “First, tell me of all the places you tried looking for her? Wait, did you check the CCTV of the hospital?” I asked him once I could finally think and he stuck his hands deeply in his pockets.

    “Everywhere and of course I have. It showed her in the hallway of the hospital, but one of the cameras weren’t working to show where she went off after that. I can’t even tell who is who on the street cameras. I tracked her phone, but her manager had it. Her cards haven’t even been used. She doesn’t even have money Jessica,” He was crying to me again and I looked away with a bite of my lip. It really seemed like we had no hope.

    “Jiyong…do you think Taeyeon is pregnant with your child?” I asked him the thought that never left my mind since I heard it and his eyes widened when I did so.

    “Honestly…I don’t know. They say she is nine weeks pregnant and if I date nine weeks back, it’s between when she was dating Baekhyun and when she had the one night stand with me…so I don’t know…I hope it is,” He muttered under his breath and I softly smiled for a moment, but now every time I try to think sweetly of him, it becomes bitter.

    “Did you know that mothers who are addicted to Heroin, their child become addicted also?” I spoke bitterly to him and he gasped quietly.

    “Don’t stop looking for her, because you have a big responsibility whether it’s your kid or not. I have one too…” I said under a hushed tone.

    Could I save you this time Taeyeon? I know once we find you, the world wouldn’t even be dark, but in an outburst of flames. Darkness only comes when death does. This is only the beginning of pain.

    Jiyong took me back to my apartment, but I only ran out of his car to get in mines and I began driving around all the places I knew Taeyeon went to, be it concession stands, private bars, dance clubs, secret hangouts, and even artist galleries. She was nowhere to be found and according to Jiyong it’s the fourth day she is missing and even more she would be suffering due to the withdrawal of Heroin.

    If she was…alive, she would be crying and dying of misery right about now.

    “Ahhhhhh!” I screamed loudly from the frustration that suddenly built up in my mind, making me blow up as I just hit my foot heavily on the breaks in the middle of the road with my car, tired of looking down streets that I knew she wouldn’t be at.

    There was this chaotic harmony of cars honking at me that strangely dazzled and dizzied me to the point that I just froze with my hands shaking on the steering wheel as I saw my life flashing in front of me.

    It was the times I did her so wrong and then I tried to smile at her. That was like stabbing someone in the back and then walking in front of them with a grin. I was the villain all this time, when I thought I was trying to be a hero. I see why you called me a fool for so long.

    The world spit and even puked on you, while they rose me up on a pedestal gracefully when I finally left Girls Generation. You must have hated me.

      You had to despise so badly that you even wanted to curse death upon me…but you couldn’t even stop caring for me.

      That must have driven you even crazier. I must have driven you crazy and despite you forgetting everything, I remain in your system like deadly poison.

      “You were acting all high and mighty, even righteous when you tore me and Xia apart because of your own jealousy. Now you are acting the same way. I don’t like it and I won’t ever accept this person.”

     “I’m sorry for taking your love even though I knew that you liked him. I was selfish and a bad leader. Still today I’m too selfish to forgive you even though I want to, but I promised myself to never do so, because the final string has already been pulled.”

      “After I did hurt you like that, I wanted you to depend on me for every tear you spill, but I saw on that day you no longer needed me. My only wish is for is to you know the whole truth and you won’t ever find out till it’s too late, because you are always late just as I am late saying this to you. I’m sorry for the first and last time.”

     Taeyeon, didn’t you want me to be late so I couldn’t find out everything? If it was your wish for me to know, you would have told me. You’ve always been bold on other things, but why not on this? This too is so obvious.

      “I use to see nothing but love in your eyes
     Now you look at me it's enough to make me cry”

     And, just as you sung that song to me, it was obvious you were even still my best friend in that very moment.

      “You can release them all on stage, just as I will. You told me that you wanted me to show you how much pain I’ve been through, how many tears I spilled, and even show you the past you don’t even know. I will show you Kim Taeyeon and I want you to preach what you teach. Watch me and then I will watch you.  Only then…only then…” 

     Taeyeon I know you can’t hear me, but if I do find you…can I make a request. I want to sing with you on stage one more time, the last time.

     At the very moment, my body jumped up from a louder horn being blown at me and I turned my head instantly around seeing two long lines of cars with angry drivers within them.

      “What am I doing?” I said to myself and the moment I turned my head back to my steering wheel, I moved it back ninety degrees looking at the pink diary in the passenger’s seat.

     Zoning out from the furious drivers that could even road rage on me again, I lifted up the diary, remembering Jiyong giving it to me.

     He had told me that Taeyeon had put all the other gifts in her purse and she was able to take her belongings with her when she left the hospital. So, why leave this? Was it because the key didn’t come with it?

     It’s not that I didn’t put the key in it; it’s that Taeyeon didn’t when we buried it nine years ago. We were supposed to dig it up together and see where our friendship went, but I’m sure our past selves would be ashamed of our future selves.

     ‘Where did you ever put that key?’ I asked myself this to only go back in the past when I was the one that buried the time capsule by myself.

-9 years ago

      “Taeyeon, why did you even hide the key to our diary?” I had asked her.

      “Because, we have to open it together since you put the time capsule somewhere you think I don’t know,” She teased and I flicked her forehead, in which she did it back to my forehead, causing me chase after till we both surrendered.

      “Where did you put the key?” I still persisted and she flicked her tongue out at me.

      “I put it where the heart is,” She said and banged against her chest, in which I just titled my head.

      “Where is the heart?” I asked her and she knocked me against my forehead with her knuckles lightly as if she was knocking on a door, in which I shouted all while covering my head.

      “It’s near where you put yours,” She teased and I began running after her, with endless laughs. You can even say we had an abusive friendship, but it was one of its own kind, unlike any other.

     I was now back to the present and I instantly put the diary down, to hit the pedal for gas, setting back the natural flow of traffic in the streets and my mind.

     Once I arrived at my destination, I got so fast out my car that I even forgot to take my keys out the ignition and even shut the door, but who else would be here in this desolated place? Not even obsessed fans of SNSD would come here. They were always staking out at the new dorm, waiting for every chance to see us.

     With one look up, I saw the place of where all our memories were buried at, but once you’ve returned, they were resurrected. I know where our hearts were. You said it to me once, only once before. “Home is where the heart was.”

     This was our home.

     Could she be here?

     With hope and desperation entwined, I ran up the raggedy stairs and slammed my hand against the door, opening the broken door, heading into the familiar part of the hallway which would have led you to the elevator.

     But, of course the elevator wouldn’t work so I kept rushing down the dusty hallway to the stairs that were haunted with spider webs.

     Using my hands, I moved the spider webs and shook them off my hands with a disgusted face, but I had to stay on the track to where I could just find Taeyeon. 

     Thanks to this apartment building, we didn’t have so many floors on it like the apartment buildings we have nowadays or I would have died midway on the stairs. But, then again I ran down those stairs so quick when I shot Tyler. Ugh, let’s not think about him now…or ever!

     Finally, I made it to the third flood, the highest floor which was where our dorm was and I could just count my foot steps to find our room and there it was, I was in front of it. But, would the door be lock?

     I could only found out as I wrapped my fingers around the rusty looking door and I pushed it open easily. Oh, it was open! If I knew this I would have come up here each time I visited. All this time I thought it would be lock…then would that mean Taeyeon was here?

     To find out, I pushed it open so quickly I caused myself to stumble inside, but nothing was here except a sudden vacancy to my dreadful expectation.

     Of course, I was left disappointed and I even lost more hope if possible as I walked around, looking in rooms that were once preoccupied with furniture and girls. Now they lay here in heaps of dust and darkness, but yet I still come to this place. I won’t abandon it just as I won’t abandon Taeyeon.

     Even now as I stand here, looking at the front door, remembering the fight we had, but it wasn’t a fight that was trying to hurt one another, it was one that was trying to understand one another, but I was the one who failed to understand.

     "You'll never understand Jessica. You're never grateful for what you have."

     And, when I think about it now, I had given up in that moment to listen to you.

     "I'll be leaving first."

     I guess that what was when I really neglected Girls Generation when I said those words and even more, neglected you.

     Once more, pathetically I walked out the building with no success of finding Taeyeon as I headed back to my car, but I froze instantly when I remembered the place Taeyeon told me that home is where the heart is.

     With my body completely alert, I slammed my car door shut and brought my hands up in a small fists as I ran quickly on my feet, taking a short cut through the old park and down a couple of roads till I arrived at an old beach, but it still looked fresh with its sun kissed sun and ocean free waves.

     With endless puffs coming out my mouth, my clenched hands begin to tighten in anger simply because she wasn’t here either. I shut my eyes tightly and dropped my hands in defeat on my knees as I leaned down, trying to catch my breath.

     Of course, she wouldn’t be here. If she can’t even remember a thing, how would she know to come here?

     But, the moment I exhaled, I all that air back in to trapped in my throat when I heard a scream so sharp that is shattered my mind.

     And my eyes exploded from the sight I saw when I looked up, seeing someone from the distant, running out of the small forest by the beach as if a storm was coming, in which I just remembered having a small beach house there.

     It had to be old by now, but disregarding there, I immediately ran on my feet with power realizing that mad person running crazily to the ocean water was Taeyeon.

     Has she been in that place all these days?

     I’m not even sure this person I was looking at was Taeyeon as I grabbed her arms that felt so dirty, sweaty and hot, because she turned around with a monstrous face that dripped of tears and dirt while she screamed at me as if she was a demon. “Let me ing die! Let me ing die!” She was hollering at me as she was fighting against my tight grasp on her to the point she caused both of us to fall in the strong ocean wave that just hit us.

      “Stop you ing witch and let me die!” She was continuously screaming as she was trying to submerge herself in the bit of water we were in, but I kept trying to pull her up with my wet clothes and even tears clinging to my skin.

      Even her pulls against me were so weak and powerless when I grabbed her wrists, forcing her to stand, but her legs immediately slipped.

       “Taeyeon stop this!” I yelled at her, but it seemed she didn’t even recognize me as she kept turning her head so she could get away from me, but I leaned down, wrapping my arms around her waist, lifting her up and she whimpered in pain. “My stomach hurts!”

      Are you trying to kill yourself Taeyeon? Have you suffered that much?

      As I turned around, I lifted her more up on my shoulder with some difficulty but it wasn’t as hard, because she lost a lot of weight compared how she use to be. She was like a stick almost and it made me cry even more while I walked.

     Her screams had diminished into weak whispers, in which her last whisper was, “I’m losing the baby…my baby..again.”

     I turned my head to only quickly put her back down on the beach, putting my hands on both sides of her face, calling her name out repeatedly. “Taeyeon, Taeyeon, Taeyeon breathe for me.”

     She wasn’t breathing at all and I looked down to be left devastated from the soaked white and blue floral sun dress that was stuck to her skin, which was where spots of red blood started to appear.

N-No, she couldn’t be losing the baby. No, not again. Even if this was unfortunate or unexpected to the least, she couldn’t lose something this precious.

      “You can’t lose this one Taeyeon! Wake up!” I cried out horribly as I tried lightly shaking her by her arms while my eyes were glued at the bright red spot increasing in size on her dress, which even caused my own pupils to shake and dilate.

      My mind quickly thought to perform CPR and I hadn’t practiced it since High School, in which my partner like last time was Taeyeon.

      I would have never thought I would actually use it now and even on her, but I was now as I pressed down on her chest with one hand over another and leaning her head up as I secured my lips with her, blowing air in I now knew I had to save her. I couldn’t be late anymore.

      This would be my last chance if so and I didn’t miss it either the moment I saw her chest rising again. I breathed out in relief when I brought my hand near her nose, feeling her breath of life.

       “Taeyeon hang in there,” I whispered to her as I got in front of her and pulled her by her arms to get her on my back.

      With all the strength I could I stood up rapidly, leaning forward so she could have balance with me as I wrapped my arms and hands around her legs.

      I couldn’t care about her blood getting on me now; I just hoped it wasn’t the blood of her baby. If so, I would even feel guiltier that the fact that I really had blood on my hands.

      I quickly paced myself on my feet since I could no longer run, but I was strongly regretting to have ran here by feet.

      Nonetheless, it wasn’t far to get back to my car and I carefully put Taeyeon in the passenger’s seat after I opened the door.

      I turned around, putting her legs in and fixed her head to lean back against the head part of the seat. My eyes scanned her distressed face and down her muddled wet clothing.

       “Why did you come here?” I asked through tears and put her seat belt on, before I ran around the front of my car to get in the driver’s seat, soaking it with the tears of the oceans that were shared with my own.

     As soon as I turned the ignition key, I grabbed my phone and slammed the door shut when I realized I hadn’t closed it since I was rushing.

     With the phone pressed to my ear by my shoulder, I used both hands to coordinate the car in reverse and then speeding down the roads, breaking all speed limits. I don’t care even if a police car was coming, I wouldn’t stop for anything in this world.

      “Jiyong!” I shouted in a complete panicked as I looked over at Taeyeon.

      “W-What?” He asked concerned, making me smile a bit, but I let it fall back down.

     “I found Taeyeon,” I exclaimed and he took in a deep breath that even had taken mines in the process.

      “Where is she!?” He almost demanded me to tell him and I turned my wheel, taking the shortest route to get to the hospital.

      “She’s with me now. I’ll explain the rest later. Meet me at the hospital,” I said quickly and I lifted my head, taking the phone from the crook of my neck with one hand to hang it up.

     Once I threw it down on top of the center console, I reached my hand over, Taeyeon’s face and moving her head over a little bit so she could breathe better at least.

      “You’ve been through so much,” I whispered to her and then bit down on my bottom lip to focus on getting to the hospital.

     By the time I had gotten there, there was already an emergency team waiting for us and I was only allowed to follow up to the ER room, where she was taken to a surgical room.

     I couldn’t just sit down as I looked at the blood that was on my white dress and it almost looked like it was made to be like that.

     A nurse had come out after Taeyeon had gone in there and I grabbed her by the arm desperately.

     She had looked at me quite shock and I know I looked like an insane woman, but I had to know.

      “Is she alright? Is the baby alright?” I asked urgently and she shook her head, making me almost fall down to my knees, but she quickly corrected her gesture.

      “Oh, I don’t mean that. It’s just that she just got in there. Right now they are going through a procedure to see if they can stop the bleeding and see if a baby is still in the womb. Her vital signs do seem to be weak, but she is fine, I guarantee you that,” She quickly informed me and tried leading me to sit down.

      “Please wait here and we will be with you shortly. Can you fill this out as her guardian since you were with her?” She asked me and I hadn’t noticed she put a clipboard in my hand till she rushed off.

     The moment I looked down, water was dripping on the paper and it wasn’t just from my soaked hair, but from the ocean escaping my eyes.

      “Jessica!” I heard a deep voice call my name out and I looked up seeing Jiyong, runing through the doors.

     He grabbed the side of my arms instantly as his eyes were searching my face for answers.

      “H-How is she? T-The baby?” He asked in short, quick words and I looked down with a rough swallow before I spoke.

      “I don’t know…they won’t tell me after they get done…b-but she was bleeding Jiyong…she was bleeding. T-That’s the second time I’ve seen so much blood,” I whispered and looked away envisioning the blood I’ve seen to the point I started to shake.

      “Calm down. Don’t think about it,” He quickly tried to console me and made me sit down, while he took off a wool coat he was wearing and put it around me, since I was like a quivering wet leaf.

     He sat down next to me and took the clipboard from me, in which my hands fell down for him to catch them.

      “I’m sure everything is going to be alright, you know how strong Taeyeon is, right?” He asked me and I looked up in his eyes that were just as wavering like a flag in defeat.

     I just nodded my head as I saw Taeyeon in the depths of my head, screaming that I killed her not once, but twice. How could I live with that? How could I even die with that?

     Before he could say anything else, his phone suddenly began ringing and softly pulled away from my hands to answer it.

      “Hello?”

     And, due to my being so close I could hear the other person on the other side of the phone.

      “Hello, my name is Park Miwoo. I am news reporter from the JYC news station. I just received news that Kim Taeyeon was just rushed to the hospital for her liver bleeding from the saesang fan a couple days ago, but another source says she is with child. Would you like to tell me which one is true?” He asked and my face became completely engrossed in rage.

      “Who the gave you my number?!” Jiyong exclaimed and snatched the phone down from his ear, to hang it up with one quick slide of his thumb.

      “You heard that?” He asked me as his breathing was beginning to race with fury, just as mines was and I nodded, speechless, but Jiyong quickly started to press on his phone.

     He in a deep breath of disbelief and exhaled it out in a loss for words. My eyes looked at him with confusion and he handed me the phone, in which I took it to only let it almost fall out my hand when I read the headline.

‘Taeyeon rushed into the ER from a threatened miscarriage!’

     There was even a picture of her being on a stretcher and I literally right now wanted to set all cameras on fire.

     Oh my god how I hated those things in this very moment, but even more the people that took it. Couldn’t they at least show some respect by not putting her picture on the news article? They try to make us look like we have no dignity, but it’s really the people behind those news sites that don't.

     Jiyong was leaning over with his hands pressed to his reddened face while he took in a deep breath and then lowered his hands from his face to release it. Regardless of using those stress tactics, it didn’t help the way he was feeling since he ran his fingers wildly through his hair to soothe his anger, but he still blew up.

      “Give me this,” He roughly said and I quickly handed his phone, in which he took it from me in a nicely manner to only get up with wrath in his steps.

      “What are you going to do?!” I exclaimed as I got up, following him, worried he was about to go punch someone outside or try to find out who took the picture, but we both stopped by a man of great authority.

     He wore a professional black suit with two body guards behind him as he looked down at me and Jiyong with outraged eyes.

      “M-Mr.Youngmin,” I muttered his name, completely startled and yet scared from the way he looked and even more to be here.

     He rarely came out to the public be it for anything and that included emergencies, but I guess this was the exception. Was Taeyeon the exception?

      “Was the baby aborted?” He quickly asked and I just stuck my neck out there with a fallen mouth. Was this really his first question or shouldn’t he be asking, is the baby fine instead?

      “D-Did you just really ask that?” I heard the fume from Jiyong’s tone of voice literally that was directed to Mr. Youngmin and I looked back over at him, seeing his eyes possessed by acrimony as his hands were forming tightly into fists of rocks. Oh no, don’t do that Jiyong.

     Since Mr. Youngmin didn’t get the answer he wanted from us, he looked away from us as if we were just mere trash and was about to step forward till a nurse came running over to all three of us.

      “Great news! She was on the brink of losing the baby, but we were able to save the little one!” The nurse whispered over to us with fleeting joy, but we saw destruction itself in Mr. Youngmin’s face.

      “Are you the head nurse…no, where is the doctor?” He asked her, wanting to get to the point quickly.

      “The nurse turned towards him and immediately bowed, knowing who he was. I guess even money has its own scent.

      “Oh, I got a call that you would be coming. The doctor should be coming out soon. Wait, there he goes,” She said and pointed in the direction where a team of medical staff were coming out the surgery room, where I saw Taeyeon being brought out on a rolling bed with an oxygen face mask being pumped on her face.

     My heart began beating heavily as I smiled with relief while my eyes followed her till she disappeared from another door to take her to her room. I wasn’t late this time Taeyeon. I really wasn’t. Can you believe that?

     I could hear Jiyong’s own gush of breath come from him also, letting me know he felt completely reprieved as well. We now had Taeyeon back with us safely, but this was no time to be exhaling out relief.

      “Hello, I’m Taeyeon’s guardian Mr. Youngmin. I would appreciate if you keep all information disclosed about Taeyeon and I’ll like to discuss setting up an abortion date as soon as possible,” He spoke with professionalism and that smile was ripped away from my face as I snatched me head in the direction where Mr. Youngmin was talking to the doctor in charge.

      “O-Oh…an abortion? Shouldn’t that be the mother’s decision?” The male doctor asked uncomfortable as he looked away, fixing his glasses on his face.

      “I have a contract, stating that I have full responsibility and decisions regarding the mother, Kim Taeyeon. Shall we talk after you set up the abortion date? I have a meeting I need to urgently attend to or thirty thousand people will become unemployed today,” He spoke with such a high amount of authority that the even the doctor looked away truly intimidated.

      “Y-Yes…we shall,” he muttered and before I could even find my own self to even breathe the same air with this disgusting animal, Jiyong barged over, slamming his hands down to grip the collar of his suit to yank Mr. Youngmin close to him.

      “What the do you think you are doing? Are you saying you have the right to murder someone else’s child?” Jiyong growled in complete rage and I couldn’t even stop him, because Mr. Youngmin’s bodyguards quickly charged over to them, but with just the lift of his hands, he stopped them from peeling Jiyong off of him.

     The crook of his lips rose up in a wicked smirk as he looked at Jiyong with not the least bit of fear in his eyes.

      “I’m sure you would never understand a contract of a SM employee since YG lets his little slaves run a lavish life, but learn who you belong to and don’t, because won’t you be still be punished by your master if you go beating up another one?” Mr. Youngmin spoke nastily and this was the first time I’ve ever seen him like this. Just the words he said made me sick!

      “Are you in your right mind?” Jiyong asked as his eyes grew even crazier as he was now strangling the collar of his suit and I ran over, gripping Jiyong by his arm.

      “Stop this,” I whispered roughly to him, but it was as if I wasn’t there in that moment. His anger was a like a wild fire that had blinded him.

     Mr. Youngmin looked away and sighed before he returned a chilling stare to Jiyong. Oh, I know this stare. This would be the look he would give someone to let them know that they weren’t about to be cut, but they were cut and gone from SM forever and ever.

      “Shall you make my thirty thousand unemployed workers become thirty thousand and one?” He asked and I squeezed Jiyong’s arm more.

     Jiyong I know you got rid of Tyler easily, but Mr. Youngmin is not one that you can step and kill at all. Don’t you think he would have already been gone from the CEO position already, if so? Why do you think Lee Soo Man put him in that position to begin with?

     I’m not sure if it was my telepathy or Mr. Youngmin’s strong threat, but Jiyong’s hands started to soften till his hands fell by his side.

      “Ahhh,” Mr. Youngmin sighed as if that was refreshing and brought his hands up, smoothening the creases on the collar of his suit.

     He looked back up with a sweet smile at Jiyong. “I see Mr. Yang has taught you well. Now nobody will lose their jobs today. That’s my aim. Please understand Mr. Kwon,” He said and did a small head bow, before he turned around, leaving with his bodyguards rushing to his sides like lapdogs.

      “I’m going to kill that man, I swear I will,” Jiyong cursed off his breath as he was still staring at the way Mr. Youngmin left and I shook my head as I came in front of him, replacing his sight with me.

      “Do you even know what it feels like to kill anyone!?” I exclaimed as his jaws were looking as if his teeth would gnaw right through them.

      “It makes you paranoid, afraid and g-” I was cut off from my expressing how I felt the moment after I shot Tyler.

     Jiyong was staring down in my eyes so strongly to the point that it even terrified me, but I was locked in his eyes of ice.

      “Guilty?” He finished my word, before he added on to it.

      “You don’t know because you never ‘knew’ you killed someone Jessica. You just thought that, but when it all comes down to reality, it doesn’t just make you paranoid, afraid or guilty. That’s when you think you killed someone,” He spoke so darkly as he took a step closer to me, making sure I understood him well.

      “When you ‘know’ you killed someone Jessica you start to panic and then start lying to yourself. You start lying to yourself to the point that you want to kill yourself so you don’t realize that you actually did. After that when you can’t even lie, you become disgusted to yourself that you even want to just get inside of a garbage can and roll all in that disgust because you know that’s where you belong,” He was breathing down my neck instantly and I didn’t know what I said that made this so serious.

      “Then you start crying and puking, crying and puking, crying and puking till your body can’t even get sick, but your mind becomes sick. You start thinking evil, like the devil till you crawl out that garbage can to see if you can just handle it, but once the innocent look at you, you fall right apart and just their eyes make you burn like you are vampire that came out into the sun,” He had started to whisper as if this was getting to the real scary part and I was no longer breathing at this point.

      “You go into hiding, remaining in darkness to just shake and convulse till someone come drags you out and stay in the sunlight for the rest of your life to burn for all eternity. Life becomes a living hell and not even one moment you can forget. Why? Because you are living the life of someone you killed. It’s painful, unbearable, but only equitable. This is what it feels like to kill someone and once you kill, you can kill again,” He said and I immediately took a big step back from him.

     This man is insane.

      “S-So your saying you’ve k-killed someone?” I asked with Jiyong’s jacket falling off my arms as I took another step as he was still looking at me with those murderous eyes.

      “I have. I had even strangled him till he turned pale to the point I had even forced a gun down their throat, giving the final blow since my hand wasn’t able to kill him,” He said with tears suddenly running down his face in a complete outbreak and I stopped instantly in my retreat.

     “Your hand wasn’t able to kill him?” I asked, pointing out that small and yet significant detail.

      “No, it couldn’t, but I had to kill him,” He whispered as he was just looking down at the pale floor. He had to be remembering that time and I stepped back towards him.

     I had found out that you were the son of a powerful man just before you left to go to YG and I knew I couldn’t be with a person like you, but we still have a bond I see now.

      “Were you forced to kill that person?” I questioned, going to him instead of running. I already faced so many scary things in life as it is. How could I be afraid of this and besides, he is the person that saved me.

     There was a bit of shock on his face as he looked up at my face slowly. I smiled softly, seeing that he was speechless so I walked up to him, bringing my hand up, wiping his tears away while I searched his eyes this time.

     “You were then? I can only understand so much. I-I’m sorry for acting like I know everything,” I apologized, knowing I must have hurt him in some form or way. I didn’t want to hurt you.

     Quietly, I turned around and picked up his coat from the floor of the hospital.

      “Here, I’m all warm now thanks to you,” I spoke politely and held out his coat, but he was still looking at me as if he was still in strong disbelief.

     I wonder if Taeyeon knew what I knew. She probably didn’t.

     With a deep inhale, I took it of my own accords to take his hand place his coat in his hand. The moment I let go, he grabbed my hand, making me look at him quite shocked.

     He looked at me seriously. “Tell me why you broke up with me when we first dated,” he ordered basically and that brought back a memory of when he first liked me when we were younger.

     He had done a similar act when he had grabbed me asking me why I didn’t like him, when I was just playing hard to get. Looking at my record at the men I dated, I have an obsession for dominance and masochism. I guess that’s just me.

      “What do you think?” I asked, since it was quite obvious and I tried pulling away, but he grabbed me tighter, letting me know he wasn’t going to let go till he got an answer.

     “Tell me,” He spoke deeply and I looked away with a soft laugh.

      “Because of your father! You think I want to risk my life with you!?” I exclaimed with a hint of playfulness and looked at him with a smile.

     He then squinted as if he was confused.

      “How did you know that?” He questioned me and that playfulness was washed away as I tried snatching from him again.

     He is digging into my brain just like he use to do back in the old days. I hated that. I wondered if Taeyeon was able to tame this domination. She had to, right?

      “Answer me!” He exclaimed and grabbed me by my arms, shaking me as if the answer would just pop out, in which I started to just freeze up with big fearful eyes.

      “I-I’m sorry,” he whispered, finally stopping and released me slowly, in which I quickly took a couple of steps away from him this time.

      He then began having tremors himself all the way from his arms to the tips of his fingertips and he suddenly began started scratching his arms like crazy. What is wrong with him?

       “Y-Yeah…okay…I’m going to go see when we can see Taeyeon,” I quickly said awkwardly and I turned, leaving immediately out that room with him. Maybe it’s because he has been under so much stress and anger. We are all bound to go insane at some point; I know I have multiple times already.

      With a bright smile on my face, I arrived at the hospital’s reception desk. “Hello, I’m Jessica Jung; I came to see if Kim Taeyeon could take visitors right now,” I said to her as she immediately recognized who I was.

       “O-Oh, of course Jessica Jung. She is room 909,” She told me, without checking if I could and I just nodded with a big smile as I turned around, seeing the waiting room and the big TV screen that was high up on the air so everyone could see.

      It just seemed as if it was even a sin to smile, because every time I did, I was punished.

      There was the moving headline already hypnotizing me, but the joy expressed ever so perfect from the female news reporter just made it worse.

       “We have some wonderful news to tell everyone here on the JYC news station. It has been revealed that Famous Hallyu Idol Kim Jaejoong will be getting married to the prime minister’s daughter, who also won Miss Korea this year. It is no one other than Kim Soyeon! Congratulations to the engaged couple!”

      The glacier that I once froze was already flooding on the hills of my face and I heard Jiyong’s voice behind me and it just made me want to scream so badly.

       “I-I was going to tell you…Jaejoong had did that to save you from Tyler, but it wasn’t needed when I came along…I’m sorry,” He was just apologizing to m, but I turned around ready to convulse like a volcano and in reaction pushed him with the palm of my hand powerfully as I roared at him literally.

       “Just shut the up!” I screamed and I quickly changed my facing of direction to escape from this area, wanting to get away from the happiness being expressed from the TV about their engagement.

     I slammed the entry door of the restroom shut with a loud bam as I ran inside and slapped my palms against the counter of the sinks with an increased breathing pattern.

     With my face scrunched up in misery and perplexity, I looked up in the mirror at my reflection, seeing how pitiful I looked.

     My hair was in wild moist mess while the eyeliner I had worn was smeared and to top it off, I had blood soiled on my white dress. Bottom line, I look like and it even matched how I exactly felt.

     I even started to laugh at myself with a ridiculous look on my face and I looked up, trying to catch the tears, but they escaped out their prison.

     Just perfect.

     I told you not to do anything Jaejoong and look, you ed up everything. I was just finally thinking I fixed everything and we could be together now. I thought that nothing was stopping us now, but look what you did, you stopped us from happening.

     Rashly, without thinking, I took my phone out from my bra, in which I stuck in there temporarily when I was helping Taeyeon get rushed in the hospital.

     With a of my top lip to toughen up, I couldn’t stop myself from calling his phone. Ring, Ring, Ring, he didn’t answer.

     Once more I laughed at my thoughts. Wow, that actually could be a great song.

     I tried once more as I felt my heart slipping and when he finally answered, my heart was finally being pulled back up, but that was the trick, because the rope was released instantly, sending it falling to its own tragic death.

      “Hello?” A preppy female voice answered and it was that same voice I heard from Ms. Korea on that day I first met her.

     I couldn’t talk…not to her.

      “Helloooo?” She stretched out this time and she laughed, she ing laughed.

      “You probably just heard the news, right? Yes, it’s true Jessica Jung. Jaejoong chose me over you. I know it will be hard to swallow, but you are truly loved by the world, you can easily find you another man! You got a big sea to swi-” She was cut off abruptly as I was just taking the hit painfully, silently till his voice came on.

      “Jessica is this you? Soyeon I told you not to answer my calls. Jessica, give me a minute,” He spoke and just to hear his voice made me smile and yet cry at the same time.

      “Okay, I’m sorry about that,” Jaejoong got back on the phone and I figured he was now apart from his to be bride.

      “Congratulations,” I whispered breathlessly and I pressed my fingers against my lips, trying to not let him hear me cry.

      “I-I’m sorry…I thought this was the only way to get the prime minister on my side again and save you. I couldn’t let you live like that,” He whispered back to me as if he was right beside me, holding me like he did on that beach before.

      “I know,” I spoke in the same tone and so did he throughout the entire conversation.

      “W-What can I say to make you stop crying?” He asked and I gasped, making me instantly start to mourn out loud, because he knew he couldn’t do anything.

      “I-I don’t know,” I cried out and held my mouth tighter, in which he grew quiet for a couple of seconds.

      “I love you…I love only you,” He expressed passionately and it wrapped around my heart with painful thorns.

      “I-I l-love y-you too,” I tried keeping it together, but it was no good, because I immediately let everything poured out like an uncontrollable tsunami.

      “Why didn’t you listen to me? I was going to handle everything, didn’t I tell you? Why did you have to go marry someone else? How can you do that to me?” I asked, already knowing the answers, but I still asked because I didn’t know what else to say.

      “I wanted to save you. Even if it meant to die Jessica, I had to save you. When I held you after that happened to you, I couldn’t forgive myself. How could I not do anything? How could I let you live like that even for another second?” He asked me back and I could hear the shakiness in his voice that was the proof that his own heart was broken in pieces.

      “Can you not marry her now? Can’t you call it off?” I asked, trying to bring him back on my side.

      “I can…but, I will have to sacrifice my success and my career Jessica. The prime minister is making sure he grants his daughter’s request. I’m not saying I can’t Jessica, if you say so, I w-” I cut him off instantly as I placed my hand on my forehead and pressed my back against the nearby wall.

      “No, you can’t do that,” I sighed out and shut my eyes, knowing how much he put into his success, in his career. He’s put his life in it. H-How can I take that from him just because I want him next to me, to love me, to kiss me, to hug me, or to even marry me. I can’t be that selfish.

     I destroyed a relationship already by being so selfish.

      “Go get married. Live your life and dreams. Become successful and forever love me. That’s all I ask,” I managed to say with steadiness and I quickly hung up, before I would tell him what I really wanted to say.

      ‘Break off the marriage and come to me. I need you now. I need you so badly to hold me because I’m so alone now that I’m free. I’ll take care of you. Just don’t marry anyone else but me.’

     Those were the words I wanted to say, the words I needed to say, but ones I shouldn’t say and I didn’t.

     Just forever love me Jaejoong and if a day comes when I have no one by my side, I can at least know you love me. That’s not enough, but I will be grateful for what I have atleast.

     I walked back around in front of the mirror and I looked at myself. I wanted to remember how I looked when I last talked to you. I wanted to remember how badly I love and needed you so it won’t ever go away.

     Suddenly, there was a vibration in my hand and it was an incoming call, in which I couldn’t see who was calling because my vision was blurry, answering.

      “Hello,” I spoke through tears.

      “J-Jessica?” My name was questioned and I gasped, quickly wiping my face till it was dry and I fanned myself to get it together.

      “Oh, Leeteuk? I haven’t heard from you in a long time,” I said quickly and turned around to not see myself.

      “Yeah, are you alright?” He asked me and I nodded.

      “Yes, I am now,” I lied.

      “Oh, I’m glad to hear that now. I did see the news about Taeyeon, I heard from Nurse Kim SM that she is in good condition…with the child she is carrying,” He hesitated when it came to the new fact that Taeyeon was pregnant.

      “Yes, how is the news going on about Taeyeon now?” I asked him and at the same moment a woman walked in.

     Quickly, I hid myself in the corner as she rushed in the bathroom stall. I let Leeteuk tell me about Taeyeon as I walked out the restroom, down the hall of the hospital to get some privacy.

      “Oh, Mr. Youngmin made an official statement saying that Taeyeon’s liver had began bleeding and she coughed up blood due to the surgery performed not being done well. He also stated that the pregnancy rumors false and that anyone speaking of it will be charged of slander and defamation of character. Everybody ate it and shut their mouths up, which was good,” Leeteuk said and I nodded in agreement.

      “That is good. Well, why did you call me?” I asked, getting back to why he called me, since he never made it a habit of calling me in the first place.

      “Oh, remember you told me to look into Taeyeon because she was hiding something?” He reminded me and I snapped my fingers.

      “That’s right…I already found out,” I said to him and became quite gloomy at just the thought.

      “Oh…you did? How did you find about what happened at SM Academy then? Those documents were hidden in SM’s vault,” He said and I blinked.

      “What are you talking about?” I asked, becoming somewhat confused as I scratched the back of my neck.

      “I see…it seems you don’t know…everything. It’s quite horrifying…I never knew Taeyeon and even more like her went through such awful things. We need to meet. It’s too much to talk about over the phone,” He said and I simply agreed to meet him at my apartment since I needed to clean myself up.

***

     After taking a shower, I felt a bit better as I changed into a loose black knit sweater and black leggings. I couldn’t even think about wearing light colors for now or even a long time from now. I think I’ve become sensitive to the sight of blood now.

     While I was combing my hair after blow drying it out in the mirror, I remembered that Leeteuk had mentioned SM Academy. After I and Taeyeon had graduated from there, it had shut down with the small explanation about they were going to prepare for the changes the entertainment industry were going through.

     I first thought that only happened since Mr. Youngmin wanted more money in his pockets.

     They had a lot of good idols come from there which was Me, Taeyeon, Onew, Yoona, Changmin, Heechul, Kai and they even had others who didn’t sign under SM such as Sung Yeol from Infinite, G.O from MBLAQ, and even Raina from After School. It was really good school and environment.

     While I was in deep thought, I snapped out of it when I suddenly heard the doorbell going off. Ha, only Leeteuk would use the door bell while everyone else knocked.

     Hastily, I finished brushing my hair and threw it down to run out the door of my bedroom and down the stairs. Being careful, I checked the security camera and saw it was him.

      “Welcome,” I spoke happily, not wanting Leeteuk to worry about me the moment I opened the door, because if I didn’t I would engulf him in my sadness.

     Leeteuk was already living with the fact that his father killed himself and his grandparents. He never smiled the same ever since that incidence occurred.

      “Oh, hi!” He spoke with energy and raise one of his hands up as he looked at me with a big smile on his face, but his eyes read differently like I’m sure how mines looked.

      “Come right in,” I said and got out of the way so he could walk in.

     After he stepped in and removed his shoes, I was able to close the door and follow him into the living room.

     As we sat across from one another with the glass table separating us that was when I noticed he had a pretty thick black folder in his hands.

      “What’s that?” I asked and that smiled crawled away inch by inch when I asked.

     This wasn’t good.

      “This is everything you wanted to know and what you need to know Jessica. You don’t know how much I sneaked and lied to get this information. Even Boa had to lie to Mr. Youngmin when she got caught in the SM vault without permission,” He expressed to me urgently and even pointed his finger at me.

      “Boa helped you?” I asked him, kind of surprised, but Boa was always good to us anyway since she was our inspiration to be an Idol. I think she was for everyone since she was older and a top star in her youth to even now. She was the queen in everyone’s eyes here in SM that is.

      “Of course, I couldn’t get all of this on my own,” he sighed and pushed the folder across the table to me, in which I suddenly felt afraid to open it. He said it was quite horrifying and it was about Taeyeon. Those two don’t go well together.

       “I can see why Taeyeon has been hiding this from you all this time Jessica,” Leeteuk had spoke with dread and I retreated my fingers when I was just reaching the folder.

       “But, it’s now time for you to know. I even wish I could help Taeyeon now, but I am powerless just as I was when I was dating her. Even if I did know, I couldn’t do anything then either. Yet, it’s different for you Jessica…that’s if you are willing to save Taeyeon. This is your chance,” He said and I brought my hand back to my lap even more.

       “My chance to do what?” I asked awkwardly as I looked away.

       “Your chance to prove that you really care for Taeyeon. Your chance to make her see that all of this happened for a purpose so you could save her. Why? Because, isn’t that what true friends do? Isn’t that the soshi bond?” He asked me with a soft chuckle and gave me a soft smile.

      In return I just looked at him in a great wonder and then back down at the folder that I knew would change the path I was already walking on, which was wrong already to begin with.

      Using one hand, I brought the tips of my fingers to the edge of the folder as I slid off the couch a little to have a closer look.

       “I arranged everything from the earliest date to latest and according to relativity. Let me know if you need anything explained. I’ll be right here,” Leeteuk reassured me and I never felt as grateful for him as I did now.

      With a swallow to wash away all fear and an exhale for confidence, I opened the folder and started from the left pocket of the folder, which on top was a picture of Taeyeon along with a profile background on her.

      I took out all the papers and picked up the first one, reading about how she was enrolled into SM Academy at the age of 13 and became a trainee. It showed her listings of great accomplishments in the school by a specific teacher, which was a vocal instructor we both had; who was Jung Sun Won.

      If anything, he was my favorite teacher. He was patient, positive and understanding. I think that was why he had such a beautiful voice and trained the people to become beautiful like me and Taeyeon.

      All the things I read on Taeyeon’s profile were things I already knew first hand since I met her in her first year of training as a trainee and we became friends, close friends.

      I was already a SM Trainee a year before her, but regardless of this fact, I knew she would be chose as the leader of SNSD because of her accomplishments at their school. She was to be a role model and I respected that because she was mines also.

      With a soft sigh, I turned the paper upside down, placing it aside as I lifted up the next sheet, which instantly slipped from my hands, with a light shaking residing within me.

      Leeteuk across from me had moved suddenly in his seat, but not said anything to me as I just laughed at myself.

      Oh, I had to see that wrong.

      With a shake of my head to wake myself up, I leaned down picking up the paper from the floor to only grip it so hard that I pierced a hole in it immediately from my fingernail.

      The following said:

Filed reports on following teacher/instructor: Jung Sun Won

4/02/2003

Report 1: Taeyeon has been having an increase in her Asthma attacks and depression according to her doctor. While over remediation with her doctor and parents, Taeyeon claims that teacher Jung Sun Won had been touching her between her legs, buttocks and chest area since the mid half of her first year attending SM Academy.

Resolution: Files reported against Jung Sun Won said to be false by teacher.

6/13/2003

Report 2: Taeyeon avoided detention that was given from Jung Sun Won and stated that he called her vile names, because she wouldn’t let him touch her.

Resolution: Taeyeon was disciplined with out of school suspension of three days. She confesses that she lied about Report 1 and Report 2.

8/31/2004

Report 3: Taeyeon states that Jung Sun Won her after school during the rehearsals for the school’s grand opening.

Resolution: There was a private investigation, clarifying that Jung Sun Won was innocent.

2/17/2006

Report 4: Taeyeon’s parents filed a lawsuit against SM Academy for the ual harassment, and molestation abuse that was hidden by the SM Group.

Resolution: Court case was dropped by the parents before preparations had even began.