ESCAPE

Taeyeon's 1st POV

     Life is created in the waking span of a mere second. It's the beginning of time and a book with blank pages waiting to be filled with scribbles over time, but somehow my once tainted pages became so blank and so pure to the point it felt wrong, so wrong.
     I felt confused about everything be it within planet earth and even outside, where the premises of the universe resided when my eyes opened to a pale faced ceiling, which was just like me.
     If it wasn't for my innate nature, I would have forgotten to breathe and even let my heart beat, because I simply knew nothing.
     I didn't even know myself as I turned my head slowly, seeing a row of small blue beds, in which I laid in one, where curtains from the ceiling draped from. Past them I saw a closed wooden door and written on it was SM's Infirmary.
     Why am I here?
     With a deep inhale coming from my sudden decision to rise, I brought myself to sit up quickly and I felt like a dead weight that was ready to fall back, crashing back into planet Earth like a rushing asteroid.
     For a moment I was about to do so, but I forced myself to sit up with a soft grunt escaping my lips and I gripped on my legs, feeling the rough fabric of my jeans and I looked up once more.
     When my eyes searched the room, I felt so alone.
     I even felt scared and I don't know why I would even feel scared. What am I scared of? Who am I scared of? Who is there to fear when I know no one?
     I know what I'm fearful of now. 
     Who am I?
     I was scared of this. 
     I would have thought that the world was shaking as my hands started to move in uncontrollable shakiness, with my fingers vibrating as if they were so cold and I was.
     I was freezing in this empty desolate of a so called mind.
     Taking my time, I managed to turn my body and let my feet meet the floor. I felt a bit relieved when I did such a task and thought to stand, but I jumped back on the bed in sudden fear.
      “Taeyeon you’re awake now?” A woman suddenly said upon her unexpected entrance and I yelped in a high pitch voice as I tensed up like a frightened cat.
      The round faced woman’s polite expression withered away into shock as she looked at me with her big brown eyes. Who was she?
      “Taeyeon what’s wrong?” She had asked me with her soft voice echoing in the room and it just made me shivered in disgust. Why is she calling me Taeyeon?
      “W-Who are you?” I asked off a shaky voice finally as I unconsciously clenched on the white bed sheet and the woman wearing light pink shrugs, shook her head in confusion, making her long black ponytail move in the process, before she quickly ran out the room.
      Only when she was gone, was when I shut my eyes in relief as air gushed out my mouth.
      When I opened my eyes, I held my hands together in my lap for a couple of minutes since I only had myself, but who was I? She called me Taeyeon. Is that me? Am I Taeyeon?
      Once more fear sprung into action in my body with goose bumps flooding my arms when the door opened again, but with two people following behind her, which were two men. One looked scary in his suit and the other attractive in casual clothing. 
      My eyes stretched to the point that I thought my eye balls would pop out my head as I gripped on my arms for emotional support because they just got scarier when they got closer.
      "Taeyeon, do you recognize who I am?" The attractive man said as he stepped closer to me and I pulled my legs up quickly in the bed, pushing myself in the corner of the bed till I met the wall.
      I just shook my head and I would have thought my eyes were bleeding as tears rolled down with such agony and my heart thumped with such tragedy. All I wanted was for this feeling to disappear. 
      "Don't provoke her Manager Kim. She just lost her memory due to the seizure. Just give her time like we did back then," the woman said and I would have thought she was my savior because the two approaching men stepped back in retreat.
      The older and yet scary looking one turned to the woman with a stressed expression, before he spoke to her.
      "Nurse Ming make sure no records get out about this. I will need you to report to me of any progress or changes. I have a meeting I must urgently attend to now. I leave her in you and Manager Kim’s hands," he said to her in rushed tone and he then glanced at me for a moment before he quickly walked out the room.
      "Manager Kim I was able to get Taeyeon's Grand Mal prescription from the doctor that came by right after she became unconscious. She will need to take it at the same time of day she will take it today," the nurse spoke professional to who was called Manager Kim.
      "I see, let's get her to take it then so she can become better," the manager complied in a defeated voice and crossed his toned arms, before stepping back for space in which I relaxed a little bit.
      "Okay Taeyeon, my name is Nurse Ming.  You are probably unaware that you had a seizure which caused you to forget all your memories, but you will regain them slowly. You have had quite a few before a long time ago, so things will work out. For things to work out and make you feel better, you need to take your medicine. Would you like to take your medicine so you can feel better?" She asked me while she kept a distance from me as I was still adjusting and hesitating.
      But, I felt that I could trust her words since I just wanted to feel better myself. With a soft inhale, I parted my lips and found myself choking up on my words.
      My eyes widened in reaction and I brought my hand to my throat, trying to force the words to come from my mouth. What was this?!
      I-I can't speak? Why can't I speak like they do?
      "Don't tell me she can't speak again?" The manager exclaimed and hot tears flooded my face as I just dropped my head, looking at the bed horrifically.
      Even if I don't have the memory of going through so much pain and misery, but I knew I had never felt so pitiful and vulnerable till now.
      I can't remember anything and I can't even talk. What good I am now? 
      The nurse threw a cautious glare at the manager and took a step closer me, but I didn't want anyone coming near me. 
      Immediately I balled back up on the bed, rocking myself. I was rocking this insanity that was filling my mind like a cup. If only a little bit could splash out the cup, then maybe, just maybe I could do something about this.
      I didn't even know who I am. I didn't know my name was Taeyeon or was that even my name?
Even these people could be lying to me.
      I just shut my eyes tightly and buried my face in my legs, because I just wanted to disappear. It wouldn't make a difference if I simply didn't exist, because I felt nonexistent in this moment.
      Then suddenly there was this feeling that was just as frightening and powerful as lightning in the depths of my heart. It was at the tip of that lightning bolt, where blood dripped of it as if it was knife. That was where all my fear and pain came from.
      There was only the sound of a breathtaking gasp when I sat up immediately with my hand grabbing at my drumming chest.
      Then I shivered, in complete shock as the nurse came to my side and I no longer was concerned about the people in this room, but the one I had locked inside of mind.
      Who was this person?
      S-She was so beautiful and yet here she was crying, while looking at me. I hate to even say it, but she looked even prettier as she cried and my heart hurt for that simple reason.
      ‘I see a traitor.’
      W-Who said that, whose voice is this talking in my head?
  ‘I see a disgrace.’
      Why would anyone say that to this woman?
      “I see…I see a senile woman who was once my very best friend. I see disappointment, because you even let everyone down including me. I see the devil Jessica. I’ve seen the devil for the first time and it’s you.”
      How could anyone say that and even more, to her?
      And, yet whoever said that to that person, this is what she said.
          “You’re an angel Taeyeon.”
      T-Taeyeon said that? Then…I am Taeyeon. How…why would I say that? How could she say I was an angel? Is this the person I am? T-Then I don’t like me. I hate this Taeyeon.
       “M-Must I give up on you Taeyeon? Y-You’re my only f-f-”
      “Taeyeon!” a voice screamed my name and I only jumped in shock, to be ripped from that memory in complete distress.
      I am your only friend and yet I hurt you like that. H-How could I have done that?
      With a flushed face, my lips shook as I tasted the salt from my tears and I looked at the nurse, who had suddenly become four people in my eyes.
      “Can you tell me your name yourself?” I heard her ask me and I was just becoming nauseated as I was trying to focus on her, but the moment I thought to accept that my name is Taeyeon again, I felt myself spinning in my head.
      It had felt like I had been dancing around in circles and suddenly stopped, for my mind to keep rotating around and around like a merry go around. It was sickening.
      To at least grasp a hold of myself, I let go of myself and gripped on the bed as I felt my head swaying over like a palm tree, but I was caught by the nurse’s soft hands.
      Even if her hands were friendly and soft, I screamed and pushed her away roughly, to only wrap myself back in the corner. I wanted to tell her to stay away, but I found myself speechless once more. Why was she asking my name, when she knew I couldn’t talk?
      Right now I just felt spacey and almost dissociated from life. I just felt like I didn’t belong here and even more inside this body.
      “Taeyeon come on, do you recognize me at least? It’s like I’m living your life rather than mines since the day I became you and Girls Generation manager?” The good looking male expressed out with frustration and I just looked at him with big eyes, where my pupils were shaking.
      For some reason I felt this electric spark that was like a quick sting of pain when he said Girls Generation. Are these people insane? Why are they telling me something that I just don’t understand?
      “Please Manager Kim. I think it’s best to refrain talking about things regarding the past. It will just make her worse in her mind since she is incapable of remembering for the time being. Why don’t you just take her home after she calms down?” The nurse asked him and I was just repeating the words ‘I’m sorry’ inside my head to this crying woman’s face in my head.
      I’m sorry Jessica. Will you forgive me?
      Suddenly, there was this familiar ringing noise and I looked over at the manager, seeing him take a phone out his pocket. He met my eyes the following second and I looked away quickly, wiping my wet face with my fidgeting hands.
      “Hello? Yes, you are correct, this is Taeyeon’s manager. Taeyeon isn’t in a position to talk, so please talk to me,” the manager’s deep voice spoke into the phone and I looked back at him quickly.
      “W-What?” He asked with his eyes becoming wide with devastation and he placed one hand on his hip, before he looked away.
      “Hayeon has been in the hospital since this morning? Why are you just calling now!?” He exclaimed with his jaws tensing up and I felt scared for a moment as I gripped on my legs, but instantly I released them.
      My lips parted, but only my breath escaped from them as I spoke in the depths of my mind. Hayeon…
      I don’t even know who she was, but there was this inner part of me that told me that I should be concerned to the point where I had to run to her in this very moment. There was no time to lose and I listened to that inner intuition as I quickly got off the bed.
      “T-Taeyeon,” The nurse whispered to me and I quickly passed her, to go to the manager, in which I grabbed his arm.
      Instantly, the manager turned his head and looked at me even more surprised. “W-What are you doing?” He asked me and I shook my head, swallowing down all the fear and confusion.
      Take me to Hayeon.
      All he needed to see was the amount of plead that was in my eyes. Telepathy couldn’t convey the emotions that were being produced from my face and even more my actions as I pulled him by his arm out the door in a hurry.
     My actions weren’t futile at all, because I was already sitting on the passenger’s side of a black van that I got in without the least of hesitation.
      “So, you remember Hayeon?” Manager Kim asked me as I was just looking forward, wanting to be before Hayeon as soon as possible.
     The only problem was the how and why of it. It was the same problem with this memory of this woman named Jessica in my mind. But, all what I can figure out was that I hurt her.
     I shook my head as I looked at my reflection in the car’s window and I slowly touched my pale face with the tips of cold fingertips. So, this was me. This was Taeyeon.
      “I see…this is so confusing, but anyway…Hayeon is your little sister that you cherish so much. She had a brain tumor, but had it removed a while back, but now the hospital called saying that the cancer has showed back up when she came in for a checkup,” The manager told me and I just looked at him in shock.
      “You still know what cancer and a brain tumor is, right?” He asked me and looked at me with an uneasy smile, before he looked back at the road.
      With another slow nod, I looked out the window.
“Good, good. That’s the thing with and your seizures that you have. It just makes you forget your memories, but all the things you learned like words and meanings, they still reside in your brain. I think we would be in a big trouble if you did forget that, right?” He asked me with laughter, but I just looked seriously out the window.
      There was nothing to laugh about, especially now.
      When we arrived in the parking lot of Seoul’s main hospital, the sky was already dark, meaning it was night time and it really felt as if I slept my entire life away to the point I forgot everything that happened before. I am really a pitiful person.
      “Let’s hurry. We will learn more about her condition once we get inside,” the manager spoke to me in a friendly voice and I just quickly got out the car, shutting the door just as fast, while I began walking ahead of the manager in a fast stride.
      “Yah! Slow down!” He exclaimed as I had began running through the large parking lot, where cars were passing through and even pulling out from their spots, but I couldn’t stop.
      I couldn’t stop till someone stopped for me and it was as if it a demon had done so, when someone stepped in front of me.
      My feet halted and I looked up at someone who was taller and even bigger than me as they wore all black leather with a robber black mask pulled over their head.
      I instantly fell to my feet when I saw he had a knife in his hand. “Is there an emergency sweetheart?” He asked me in this scary voice and I tried going back, but my legs had become even my enemy when they won’t move.
      “Who are you!?” I heard manager Kim exclaim and then another man wearing the same attire came out of the van so fast, that not even Manager Kim could save me.
      You don’t know how fearful how a person can become when you can’t even scream for help. Your voice was your last hope, but I didn’t even have that. I had nothing.
      His thick hands were in black gloves and when he grabbed my arm, I pulled away, but he grabbed me. Please scream. Please scream. Please scream!
      I screamed inside my mind as my mouth opened wide with fear and I shook my head as he forced me inside the van in which I lost all my consciousness. It was just too much.
      “Wake up, wake up, wake up,” Someone was repeating this to me and I felt myself being shaken by my shoulders.
      Slowly, I was coming back to my senses and I felt so awful and weak. As if I was taking a peek of life itself, I opened my eyes a little bit and curiosity always kills the cat, because what I had seen made my face breakout in a cold sweat.
      I was back looking in the ice, cold eyes of that same man who wore black as if it was the night.
      Please don’t hurt me.
      Tears resurfaced back to my eyes and I’ve only just woken up to be crying again. When will this pain come to an end? Is death really only the escape?
      “Bruh, you are taking this too far. What if he kills you for making her this scared?” The other man said to him and I was just taking notice we were still in the back of a van. Where was the manger?
      The one who was holding me, making me wish for death, suddenly laughed and let me go. “Oh come on. The knife I had was even fake!” He told the male and lifted his hand, grabbing the top of his hood, to reveal his face, which was shockingly good looking.
      “You just got punked on your birthday!”  He exclaimed and I just gasped as the back doors of the van were opened to a light that blinded me, where there was a sudden outbreak of singing a song.
      “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you,” this song was sung to me by about thirty people in the back yard, where there were a sparkling pool, tables and lights that brightened up the dark night.
      Right now, I never felt so confused in my entire life and I can’t even remember my entire life!
      I may not be able to talk, but I could scream and I did as so when I grabbed my hair, wanting to rip it out as I began to convulse.
      “Oh ! What’s ing happening!? Stop singing!” I heard a male voice exclaim from outside the van, while the other two men in the van began to freak out, but I was gone once more as I lost complete control. I wish I had taken that medicine now.
***
      With my eyes shut this time, I began to wonder…will I cry again if I open my eyes. Should I keep them close and just go back to sleep?
      I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to face reality. I don’t want to even exist because I feel so alone. I feel scared. I’m scared of myself. I have this feeling that the life I’ve been living has been so wrong…so cruel and that I was the root of that evilness.
      “Taeyeon, are you awake now?” I heard a soft voice ask me and I felt myself fall into a state of relief suddenly. Why do I feel this way? Who is this person?
      With sleep starting to wear off, I realized that I was lying down in a bed and my hand felt so warm because someone was holding it.
      I gave into my desires and opened my eyes to only be left astonish of not how beautiful this man’s face that was looking at me, but it was in his eyes.
      “I’m sorry…I didn’t know…no, I shouldn’t just have done that. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” He was begging me for forgiveness relentlessly and my breathing only became deeper.
      I was the one who was feeling sorry now. I’m sorry for not knowing who you are.
      “You don’t recognize me, do you?” He asked me and his luminous amber eyes looked down in shame.
      I shook my head and pressed my lips hard together, as I observed the off colored tone of his skin that came from being worried so much that it even dripped off his sharp jaw line.
      “I see…I talked to your manager and the nurse just a while ago about your condition. You’ve been sleep for about half an hour now…If I knew you was like this, I really wouldn’t have done this to you. Y-You’ve must have been so scared…and alone, right?” He asked me and tears were filling his eyes.
      I was supposed to be the one crying here. My life was supposed to be pitiful and yet this man is crying.
      Slowly, I tried sitting up and he helped me up in the process, by pulling me up by my hand.
      Who are you?
      I looked in his eyes, searching the sea of his eyes.
      “My name is Jiyong…Kwon Jiyong” He started off with a bitter smile and for some reason, I felt this inner happiness to hear his name.
      Jiyong. Kwon Jiyong.
      Why is this name special to me?
      “Here, I got an erase board and a marker for you,” Jiyong said to me and released my hand, but I gripped on his hand desperately. Don’t let me go.
      His eyes jumped in surprise, but he just smiled eventually and looked down at my small hand, grabbing onto him as if he was my last hope.
      “I won’t ever leave you Taeyeon. I promised you this and I promise to keep that promise,” He spoke to me with such endearment and meaning.
      In return, he gripped on my hand more and got the board and marker off the bed side drawer one by one instead.
      When I received it in my lap, I took the top off the marker and placed the black tip against the white erase board to start writing.
      ‘Who are you to me?’ I wrote and showed it to him, in which the curves of his lips rose up, making mountains of his cheeks.
      “To you? Well…you told me you loved me. So, I’m a man that you love,” He spoke to me in a low tone of voice and suddenly, I felt embarrassed for holding his hand like this now.
      With a rough swallow, I erased my writing and wrote out more.
      ‘Who am I to you?’ I asked and he answered with a laugh.
      I bit down on my bottom lip hard enough that it could bleed, but before it could get to that point I was able to hear his real answer.
      “You are my inspiration. You are my love. You are my world. You are my life. You are my meaning. You are my hope Taeyeon,” He told me honestly and exhaled out a love sick sigh, in which I suddenly just became numb to his confession.
      I couldn’t feel anything on my body, but I could feel how my heart was beating so quickly.
      In result to that, I had just dropped the marker. There were no other questions for him.
      Jiyong gave my hand a light squeeze and leaned in slowly, pecking my cheek with his soft lips.
      Just a while ago, I didn’t want to remember anything, but now I want to remember everything.
      “Today is your birthday. I had wanted to surprise you today and wanted to outsmart you, because you were already intelligent enough to sniff through my other plans so I did it this way. Your sister is fine and that kidnapping was planned as well. None of it was real. I did all that and yet, I still look like the idiot here,” He whispered sadly to me despite having a smile on his face.
      With a deep inhale, I shook my head and made an audible exhale from my lips. He looked up at me, in which I smiled at him.
      “You don’t even remember me, but I’ve made you fall for me all over again,” He spoke in a wondrous tone and gave me a smile so big that it revealed his white teeth.
      No, once I’ve fallen Jiyong, it’s just that it is impossible to get back up.
      After learning that I was in my bedroom, Jiyong brought me back down in the living room, where my birthday party was still going on all the way outside in the back yard of me and my parents house.
      Now that I think about it, it’s a shame that I didn’t even know my parents and even my sister was down here. Even if with the thing with my sister’s cancer returning was a lie. Even if he drove me crazy, I have to admit that was a good surprise, because even if I did have my memory I would have even forgotten who I was in that given moment.
      “Taeyeon I’m sorry,” A younger aged girl said to me while an older man and woman watched from a distance and I blinked as I was holding Jiyong’s hand. In confusion, I looked over at Jiyong and he nodded with a shy smile.
      “Remember, she can’t re-” Jiyong had started off, but was cut off by her sudden remembrance.
      “Oh, that’s right! I’m sorry…I’m…Hayeon, your sister and that’s our mom and dad back there,” She spoke awkwardly while she pointed at them behind her and my eyes stretched tremendously.
     She’s Hayeon?!
     For a moment I felt so sad. I couldn’t even remember my own sister’s face…but I will regain my memory in due time.
     I just gave her a small smile in return and nodded my head to my parents, before someone else was coming over to us and I realized it was Manager Kim.
      “Here, I got her medicine…and someone is outside for you Taeyeon,” the manager said to me and Jiyong, in which I looked up from the small white bag in his hand to his face with wonder.
      “Okay, I’ll get her to take it and who is waiting for Taeyeon?” Jiyong asked the manager after taking the small white paper bag from his hand.
     It looked as if the manager wanted to say something else, but he didn’t. “Just a friend.”
     For some reason, I was inclined more to see this friend to the point that I had even let go of Jiyong’s hand to walk instantly off the direction where the manager pointed, which was the front door.
     The music that came from the backyard was washed out once I had made it outside and I shut the door behind me to see a fancy black car in front of the house, which was visible from the lights on the ground. Was that the friend?
     One of the doors, which came from the passenger’s side was opened and I started to come down the stairs as I saw a man wearing a black and white suit come to me with a rectangle box that I assumed to be a gift.
      “Hello, this is a present for you,” He told me and I took the box that had a little weight on it when he ushered it to me gently. I then looked at him with big eyes and he simply bowed, before taking his leave back to the car.
     That was when I saw the window roll down from the back of the car and I saw someone that looked like a woman that was looking forward with big sunglasses on her face. Who is she?
     Gripping more on the light box that had a big blue bow on top, I went ahead and opened it for a peek.      My mouth fell instantly with a deep gasp as I examined a pretty royal purple fabric that was shiny from the see through layer over it and another silver box sat in the middle, on top of what I was figuring out to be a dress, but it wasn't just any dress.
     When I looked back up, I saw the woman with her head angled in my direction and then she looked forward at the same time the window was rolling up.

     I can’t thoroughly explain how I felt, but I could feel my heart thump a bit harder. It was as if my hearts become a banging fist against my chest, to let me know that I should go out and meet her.

     In reaction, my eyes widened and I parted my lips as I let one foot step forward abruptly, but then I had remembered I couldn’t speak, causing me to stop suddenly.

     For a second I wanted to curse myself for not being able to speak, but I didn’t as I saw the window continuously going up.

     Instead, I quickly went down the few remaining stairs and ran out towards the car that was just pulling off with desperation stealing my breath and tragedy pouring from my eyes likes tears, but it suddenly stopped when I saw a hand rise up.

     My feet had instantaneously come to a halt when I was in front of the almost closed window, but my heart was still running for me. It was surpassing my designated destination. What was it running from? Was it from curiosity of my ‘friend’. It was.

     I would have thought the chilling breeze was what made me cold, but oh how wrong was that to be so. Slowly the window began to roll back down and it was the face that was just like seeing the first snow, pale and beautiful.

     Without even knowing it, I was holding the present against my waist so tightly that I could barely breath and I couldn’t breathe at all when her shaky frail hand lifted up, taking off her glasses, revealing her identity.

     It was as fear crawled on to my face with the extremities of my eyes becoming vast, eyebrows raising and scrunching my forehead in confusion, then my lips distorted with horror.

     She was Jessica…the woman that I hurt...the one who was crying because of this person, because of me.

      “Happy Birthday Taeyeon,” She whispered to me through a hoarse voice and I just couldn’t break my eyes from her reddened eyes that looked so sick and sad. Was it like that because she had been crying for so long.

     Only ragged breaths escaped from the part between my lips and I couldn’t even move an inch of my face, because there was this other emotion that was brewing within me.

     Her lips then pressed against one another as she smiled to me sincerely…but so sorrowfully.

      “I know…I am the last person you want to see,” She continued and looked forward with tears surfacing in her eyes.

      “But maybe because of that, you are the first person I wanted to see,” She spoke with a tilt of her head and shook her head like she was some broken doll.

With her just saying that dizzied me and it wasn’t for that innate nature of guilt.

      My mind had suddenly become like a TV filled with nothing but static, as electricity was taking its course through multiple channels rapidly, which were all in black and white.

     Flashes of memories, bad memories only were pouring in drastically and never ending. There was a war with multiple battles for my mind.

     The first battle was betrayal. The most tragic one and for betrayal to happen, I had to be fighting with someone else to begin with.

     Somehow it involved that scary man that was called Mr. Youngmin. He was the one I was fighting.

      “Are you going to destroy your life just because you were !? Do you not know how many trainees like you have been before!? You have to lose everything in order to get everything you wanted! Now tell me if you want to go to be a star seen in the heavens or hidden in Hell? Tell me now Kim Taeyeon and I will make it happen!”

     I-I was …so young… I was thirteen years old?

      “Just forget what happened and the man that did it. He will continue to teach you as your teacher. Keep your mouth shut. There is no turning back once you signed the contract. You are a slave Kim Taeyeon. Remember that.”

     I had never thought about it, but even the stars are prisoners within the sky. They never have freedom to roam about. They just shine.

      ‘The only relationship you can have is with the Idol version of yourself. You have to fit the image of men, which is to always be available to them. You are a e, but a high maintenance e since you have come under my wing. Remember that Taeyeon.’

     These teachings were cruel…they were simply brain washing me.

      ‘I’ve been nurturing since you were a little seed and now you are blooming. Simply because you are now just blooming, you are a to fame. All of you are. You, Jessica, Tiffany, Seohyun, Seohyun, Sunny, Yoona, Yuri and Hyoyeon are all s. The question is which one of you will volunteer as a tribute to sacrifice that ity. The one who does will be the leader. It should be Jessica, right?’

     So, I sacrificed myself then? I-I did this and yet…

      ‘A little birdy told me something about another birdy in her flock. That she is dating a man I have disowned from my label. Doesn’t this just remind you of some historical story? It does to me, because blood is always resulted in the end. What will it be Taeyeon? You hold the cards or rather you hold the sword.’

     I did nothing but protect you and yet you betrayed me. You fooled me. You made me the fool.

     "You haven't seen ugly yet Taeyeon. Keep dating him, you two will get caught and bring bad light…”

     "…But since I placed you to be so superior, you took away something that was precious to me. Now it's my turn Taeyeon. I'm angry...so angry. Angrier than I ever been…”

      “You look pitiful and to believe that I saw you as my rival, to believe that you were that strong best friend. I can’t even believe that anymore. Fine, you stay down there on your knees crying over a man, A man that isn’t even worthy of your trust and even your love.”

     Then there was me. Even after all that, I thought to give you another chance by calling you at the time I needed you the most.

     I was then fighting a battle of survival.

      ‘J-Jessica I know I am the last person you want to talk to, but you are the first person, no, the only person I need to talk too’

     That was my voice in the midst of desperation. I was even willing to forgive you if you saved me. Yes, I was going to let you patch me up even if you stabbed in my back, but upon that night of fear and tears of innocent blood you simply didn’t just betray me, but abandoned me.

     I remember now. I remember how I trembled so much that even holding my hand couldn’t stop me from doing so as I walked to Mr. Youngmin’s office.

     It was the following day after you had told Mr. Youngmin of me and Xia’s relationship, just because you knew he would rip us apart. When did I ever rip you apart from someone? I never did.

     The night had already fallen and I had wished I went to his office sooner, but it was eating away my conscious and even my sanity to tell him my deepest and biggest secret. I hadn’t even told you, but I was only going to tell him to reverse the curse, but instead I doubled it. I was really a fool.

      “Mr. Youngmin…” I had called his name out in a shaky whisper when I had entered his office and in that moment I wanted to take back calling his name and run away, but just like he told me since I was little. I was slave with cuffs around my wrists and weight braces on my ankles just by a single of my name on a sheet of paper.

      “Yes, Taeyeon. Did you already end your relationship with Xia?” He replied as calmly as he looked at me with those eyes of superiority.

     I was shaking to the point that even my teeth chattered against one another before I could speak, but I pushed myself over that cliff. No one did it but me. Who else would?

      “Mr. Youngmin I have a reason why I and Xia shouldn’t break up,” I spoke and he laughed, mocking me.

      “Well let’s hear it,” He spoke as if he was opened minded.

      “I-I’m…” I spoke the first word easily, but the last word was only speaking in my head, because I was scared and I should have been.

      “Pregnant,” I spoke in a deflated manner and looked away, hoping, just hoping and I even knew that this would stop him.

     But, hope was useless because my knowing was mere delusion.

      “Well, let’s get rid of it. I’ll schedule you with an abortion clinic in secrecy,” He continued to speak with ease and I was driven mad in that moment.

     All what followed was arguing, yells and eventually the threats came.

     That is all what people with power do. They use threats. I mean how you think they got to that seat in the first place and even more maintain it? I promise you every person that has a high position of power has threatened someone and it’s been more than once. I promise you.

     It wasn’t long till I had met with a doctor and they gave me a pill. Just one pill would kill the life within my stomach. That same day, I had a staff member, watching me take the pill and they even made me open my mouth to check I didn’t have it under my tongue. Yes, I swallowed it and at that same moment I killed myself.

      The moment afterward, I was a wreck and insanity is always linked with being a genius. I excused myself to the restroom and threw up the pill in the toilet.

      I had never what was true relief in that given moment. We almost survived.

      Two days later, I had to go back to the clinic. They were supposed to remove the dead fetus and I ran away from the dorm, but they found me by tracing my credit card in a hotel room.

      In the end, I was dragged back to the clinic and they did a sonogram on my stomach, still seeing the 8 week fetus growing in good condition.

      I can even remember how painful the slap I received from the female staff member, who was the one who was supposed to look over me. It was as if she had slapped me with the hot burner of a stove. I see that this is her way caring. A cruel way of caring.

      Once more, I faced the pressure of the doctor, the staff member and my manager all eying me down for a whole hour after I begged them to not do this, but that threat was like a knife at my back.

      Could I really harm others because of my own mistakes? I wasn’t the leader of Girls Generation for nothing. No one can really understand the duties of a group leader and even more a female one. No one can.

      Regardless of that threat, I almost wavered to give in taking the pill, but I refused. I fought literally as they all held me down and forcing my jaw to open with their hands.

      Then they forced the pill inside my mouth and then water followed. I thought I would drown. I wish I had drowned.

      Even if it was forced, it was my mouth that took the pill. I could never forgive myself and I had decided I was never going to wash my sins away, including hers. We would have a share of this blood together forever.

      In that same day, I had become a monster that didn’t care for even the existence of the universe and even less, me.

      I was fighting myself, wanting to reverse all of this, but I kept going to who was the one who set the gasoline on fire in the first place, Jessica.

      I had to face her and I didn’t care if she was in the midst of work.

      I went to the theatre where I knew she was practicing for her musical, Legally Blonde and after I gained access to get back stage, I watched her on the stage with eyes filled with wrath and tears dripping with envy.

      She was happy as she wore her cute pink dress and little heels while she spoke in a lively baby voice before she started to sing with smiles brighter than the sun. 

      With just a wave of her hand, she flipped her luscious blonde hair that draped in curls all around her and pointed to the air as she began taking the lead in singing.

      The others that were part of the musical cast just followed her with admiration, letting her be their goddess and I noticed I use to be always like that. Jessica always thought she was following me around, but it was me who was following her, but not anymore.

      It was when practice finished and she was walking to the back stage that I buried these feelings for her. Her eyes balls looked as if they would pop out of her sockets and her rosy pink lips formed a false smile instantly, simply because others were watching. What happened to all that lip Jessica from the other day when said me and Xia should break up?

       “Are you having fun?” I asked her with a bitter smile and a damp face from the previous tears.

       “W-Why are you asking that when-”, She had began to ask in a concerned voice and the cast had frozen in their steps, watching.

      I wasn’t feeling any pressure by being watched. What did I have to lose with them watching? I’m sure she did and she ing deserves it too, because right now someone is dying because of her.

       “You know they say blondes have more fun,” I immediately cut her off by talking quickly to get my point across and she just shook her head after letting that smile fall from her lips.

       “Taeyeon let’s talk in private,” She quickly said in a lower tone of voice and reached her hand to touch me.

       “Ah!” I screamed loudly and jerked back quickly.

What was this?

       “T-Taeyeon,” She whispered off her lips shock and I held my hand against my body as I stepped back from her fearfully.

        “Don’t touch me!” I screamed from the depths of my vocal chords and shut my eyes tightly, wanting everything to disappear in the depths of darkness that I saw when I closed my eyes.

     “T-Taeyeon,” She said again in the same fashion and I hated it. Oh, how I hated it!

     My anger made me look at her again and I wanted to set her on fire. I wanted to destroy her and I could do it right now.

      My words themselves could be the flames of destruction for her and yet I couldn’t, instead I said this.

      “You call yourself my friend? How could you do this to me Jessica? How could you!?” I hollered with my face becoming hot as fire itself.

      “Grow up Taeyeon. Just because you had to break up with your boyfriend, don’t think it’s my fault. It’s your fault for taking him from someone else in the first place. You deserve everything you’re getting,” she spoke and looked at me with eyes so sharp that it sliced my heart and so cold it froze instantly.

     I just shut my mouth, turned around and left.

     I thought on it. I seriously did. Was it really my fault? Is this really because I went ahead and dated Xia or is it because I never apologized? Either way, if you were my friend, why couldn’t you forgive me? Then can I forgive you without saying sorry for yourself? I’m lost and there is no one that will help me find my way back home. No one.

      Two more days later, I lay on my back like a deceased person. All they had to was pull a sheet on my face and ship me to the morgue.

      But, strangely my heart started to pump and I revived back to life miraculously

       “W-What did you say?” I asked, hoping that even if I heard wrong, I would hear it wrong again.

       “You are still with child. The abortion pill wasn’t strong enough,” the doctor told me as if it was bad news, but this was beyond good news.

      For the first time, I had believed that there was god and he was with me. What other explanation and reasoning could there be after I cried to the point that my eyes swelled so much that I couldn’t cry anymore.

       “You ignorant ! Didn’t I tell you stop playing around!?” The female staff member roared out in the room, but I was just crying tears of happiness as I held my stomach.

      I was just so happy that my child was still with me. I had already started to dream of the baby being a girl, a beautiful girl. I would dress her prettily and teach her to be righteous and brave. I wanted her to do the things I couldn’t have done and not do the things I wish I didn’t do. She was my dream that was only a mere dream.

       “We shall schedule a surgical medical abortion later this week.”

     I knew that this would literally be my last chance and I couldn’t lose it for nothing in the world. Yet, while the days went by, I searched for ways to escape.

     There was none and I was dying once more. We both were.

     That was when I thought to give that person one more chance, a last chance. It would be her one and only opportunity to reverse the curse, but remembering how she looked at me before, would she?

     I would have never known till I decided to call her and I did, but she didn’t answer.

      I was running out of time, in about twenty minutes, they were suppose to come get me from my parents house and I couldn’t make in commotion here. I couldn’t let my poor parents know what was going on here. They just started the eyeglass shop and it’s been enough stress as it is.

     It was the ninth time I called her, that she answered and I knew nine was my lucky number. It may have been not as short as three and even longer than seven, but it was well worth it. It was worth it for a good result.

      “Hello?” She spoke in a tired manner and for some reason, I was silent.

      “Hello?” She made her voice louder and it woke me up.

      “Jessica,” I whispered her name gently and yet it quaked on my tongue.

      “Yes?” She asked awkwardly and I looked at myself in a mirror, while I rubbed my stomach.

      “I know I am the last person you want to talk to, but you are the first person I needed to talk to…Can you save me?” I asked her desperately and I gripped on the phone tightly while the silence was killing me.

       “No one can help you but yourself Taeyeon,” She spoke to me as if she pitied me and the moment I inhaled, I couldn’t exhale because she killed me when she hung up the phone.

       That was when I thought the number nine was bad luck then.

      Can you now understand why I have been walking around with thorns all around my body now? I just don’t hurt myself, but it’s the people who dare try to hurt me even more end up hurting themselves.

      "Because of your own faults...you’re going after me now Jessica? Are you that angry about not being the leader since you were the first one at the company?"

      I said that to you a long time ago Jessica and now I see that you are no friend of mine.

      If I could talk, that is what I would say to you.

      She was still in the car and looked down at the gift in my hands as I was gripping on it with atrocity and immense hatred.

       “Taeyeon it’s been so many years I’ve given you a birthday gift because I knew you would never accept it, but just accept this one, because these all our memories.  I’m giving them back to you; because after today since I’ve been released from detention I won’t be the Jessica you know. I’m, I’m S-”

     “Ahhhhh!” I cried out loudly with tears of rage washing down my face faster than any tsunami could and I rose my hands up with the box before I put all my strength in it to let it slam down against the ground.

      “What are you doing?!” She asked loudly as I began stomping my feet on the dress as I cried from my mouth and bit down on my bottom lip in the process.

     You aren’t my friend. You never cared for me. You killed me. You killed my child. I can never forgive you. You should cry. You should die!

     I screamed these words in my head and I watched the silk of the dress be tainted with the mud of the ground, but that wasn’t enough. I wanted to destroy it and I had then noticed Jessica got out the car.

      “Stop this!” She exclaimed and grabbed my wrist, forcing me to turn to her and instantly I let the back of my hand smack her cheek.

     You are even too disgusting for the inside of my hand to touch.

      She instantly placed her hand on her cheek and looked at me with eyes widening as tears were just surfacing her eyes.

      How could you do this to me? I ask this question and yet I know the answer to it all this time.

      I couldn’t resist the temptation of my anger and I began my hand before I knew I was slamming it against her arm, chest and wherever I could as she was just flinching away from strikes, whimpering from her lips.

      Yet, she didn’t try to stop me. Why aren’t you stopping me!?

      The only people that came to her rescue were her chauffer and even more Jiyong as he grabbed my arm, pulling me away strongly from her.

       “Stop this,” He whispered calmly and looked at me with eyes filled with distress.

       “Ms. Jung please get in the car. I will take you to the hospital to see if you have any wounds needed to be taken care of,” Jessica’s chauffer said to her and I turned my head, seeing her hair in a slightly mess as she held her arm, which was where my first hit come from and it was the most powerful one also.

       “No, there’s no need. I deserve this pain,” She whispered and she looked back at me, in which I grit my teeth tightly against one another and I felt Jiyong squeeze my arm, in which I nipped on my bottom lip.

       “Goodbye Taeyeon,” She said without looking at me and turned to the car, getting in and I watched the window roll up, with her driver getting into leave from the premises.

      Why does my heart suddenly hurt so much now?

       “Taeyeon, did you remember everything?” Jiyong asked me as I looked at him and all my anger was washed away with tears seeping down my face.

      I shook my head.

      I can only remember how she hurt me, but why do I have a feeling that I hurt her more? How is that even possible?

       “You two use to be so close and so alike…now you are so far apart and different. How can this happen?” He asked me as if his own heart was aching from watching us and I looked up in his eyes astoundingly.

      You even know this fact? My heart twitched from within as he pulled me against his chest, letting my tears be soaked into his chest and reach the core of his own heart.

      Even you know that I fear distance more than death Jiyong. Even you.

      Jiyong asked me if he should just end the party, but I was thinking of the others who already attended. The many faces that I didn’t know and the one that I knew that came and left like the wind.

      Yet, before the wind left, it tore up everything inside and out and it was me as I was now sitting in front of a table of gifts with a smile that reeked of confusion and eyes of agony, but yet a soul of consideration that glowered before everyone as they placed their gifts on the table one by one. I didn’t do this so I can receive presents, but for the people that wanted to see me happy.

      The person who was supposed to be my manager was the first one; he gave me a small square box and also my cell phone.

       “Here, I think you will need this back. I took the password lock off and there have been some calls, but you don’t have to answer till you regain your memory. Happy Birthday Taeyeon,” He told me and I nodded as I took the small box while Jiyong stood nearby.

      I opened the small box and I looked at the sapphire earrings that were in the shape of flowers. They were pretty and I felt even sadder for receiving this. It would have matched that dress Jessica gave me. Was it still outside? It should remain out there and I hope it rains. I pray it does so.

      Quickly, I picked up the marker and wrote on the board for the manager to see. ‘Thank you. It’s beautiful.’

      After I got my phone, I pressed the button on the screen and saw that I had many calls with a voicemail left, which was dated for today.

      I softly smiled when the next person came up with their gift and I placed the phone upside down on its face instantly. It’s probably best that I don’t listen to it. I wouldn’t know who it is from and even more about.

      Regardless of the events that led up to now, I found a bit of glee in receiving presents ranging from shoes, clothing, jewelry, kitchen supplies, and even paintings. We stopped mid-way through presents and I went to go use the bathroom shortly since Jiyong told me that they would bring the cake after I got done with the presents.

      After I finished washing my hands in the bathroom, I took my phone out my pocket and wondered if I could find more about myself in here and I was right, when I clicked on the new voicemail I received as I watched the expressions of my face in the mirror.

-----RECORDING BEGIN

      “Let’s get to the ing point,” I heard someone vulgarly say and I hate to admit, but it sounded just like my voice. In result, I gripped on my throat lightly with my hand.    

      “Then let’s,” another feminine voice said in bratty demeanor and I just kept listening as we took our turns talking.

     “Have you always been this delusional?”

      “Delusional?”

      “I’m not sure about always, but I’m sure such things may occur to everyday people like you and me.”

      “Yes…many things occur….anyhow, what was Baekhyun wanted you to tell me.”

      “Oh, that’s right, Baekhyun told me tell you to come a little early for recording since you will be teaching him how to draw. He wants to make some fashion examples while using Kiko.”

      “Oh…okay, thanks.”

      “But, Taeyeon, I also have something to say to you,”

      “What?”

      “My sister has been detained for some days and you haven’t been looking into it, that’s strange as SNSD’s leader. I mean Seohyun, Sooyoung, Hyoyeon, Sunny and even Tiffany has called me, asking me about Jessica’s situation personally since they couldn’t find out too much from the police or Mr. Youngmin. I am the source of Jessica’s condition.”

      “Why should I ask? I know enough. Jessica is caught for some crimes and is detained for those crimes. If she is guilty, she will be arrested and if she is innocent, she will be released. It’s as simple as 123. Even a five year old can figure that out without asking questions.”

      “You’ve always been like this even when you and Jessica were best friends. You’ve been this selfish only thinking of yourself.”

      “So, you’re saying Jessica hasn’t been the same?”

      “Are you admitting to never seeing Jessica as your best friend? So, it really wasn’t because she busted your secret relationship with Xia then?”

       “You don’t know a damn thing little girl.”

       “I know more than you can ing imagine Kim Taeyeon.”

       “Listen here, stay out my ing business.”

       “Oh, trust me; I don’t want to be in your business. I’m just attending to my unfinished affairs with Jiyong and Jessica. You just happen to be related to them and that it was why we are here today.”

       “What do you have up your sleeves?”

       “Oh, probably an ace or two.”

       “I just want to know some answers Taeyeon, that’s all. I want to have a conversation about things of the past.”

       “And maybe an apology, since I know how hard that is for you to do.”

      “You knew Jessica liked Xia before you did, right?”

       “Yes, I knew she liked Xia.”

       “Exactly. You knew, but you still dated him. Do you know the day that you started dating him, Jessica came home crying. Did you not find it weird that Jessica didn’t go to the dorm, but home?”

       “I didn’t know.”

       “I’m sure you didn’t. Anyhow you stole her ing crush and you then push Jaejoong on her. You thought she was all happy and dandy, till he breaks up with her and that’s when you become Jessica’s enemy to the point you even kicked her out.”

 “Don’t you try to make me look like the traitor here? Jessica me first! All what happened with us and Xia was a mistake. It can’t be helped, but Jessica me just because her heart was broken! I don’t regret kicking her out!”

       “Sure, whatever.”

     “You keep thinking Jessica is the one who killed your baby, but you are the one who walked in that abortion clinic. You killed your baby and yet you paint Jessica’s hand with the blood. You’re not only a murderer but a con-artist!”

      “How do you know that?”

       “This is what is wrong with you Kim Taeyeon. You think no one knows you cheated on Baekhyun. You think no one knows that Jiyong just saw you a me toy. You think no o-”

The voice of that girl that was holding a gun to my head with her words was suddenly cut off and I could hear a sound as if I pushed her against the wall. D-did I do that? Then the voice I heard sounded it as if a demon had possessed me.

       “Listen here . Listen good.”

       “Don’t you even ing think or say anything about my damn child anymore. Like I said you don’t know and if you anything else, your head is filled with nothing but . You can say I cheated on Baekhyun, I ed Jiyong, I hated Jessica and even more I kicked her out personally. You can say that, because I admit that. It’s truth. It’s facts, but don’t you ever say I killed my child or…”

     Or what? What would I have done? Would I have said what I said to Jessica out there in my mind? That she would die…would I kill her?

        “Ahhh, You are ing insane!”

I am ing crazy.

     “I-I’m sorry.”

      “I no longer want your ing apology. I now see the side of you that Jessica has seen. I see why she has stopped chasing after you and is not running from you. She’s realized you’re a ing monster!”

      This person is a monster.

-----RECORDING END

     To be honest with myself, no I couldn’t even be honest with myself because I’m being drowned with the tears of sorrow and then burning with flames of fury. How could I not possess uncertainty in its truest form and meaning?

     I wish I never remembered anything. I wish life can be just like that party out there, where you just have fun receiving presents, eating food and laughing. Happiness is when you know nothing. It truly is. What if life could really be a party every day?

      I can’t stand that person for what she did to me and yet I did wrong too. Suddenly I remembered someone saying something to me, but I don’t know who.

      “You know better than anyone that Jessica would never betray you, no, Jessica has never betrayed you. You were the one to betray Jessica. You can’t go blaming her for the rest of your life. Is this what you call pride?”

      “Jessica will find out one day and I hope when she does, that you realize that it wasn’t her fault, because right now she is suffering. When she finds out about you, she will suffer ten times more and then that’s when you will suffer twice as her. That’s why I’m here, because I don’t want to see her hurt, but more than anyone, you Taeyeon. “

     Who said this to me? W-Was it Jiyong?

     Are you telling me that I was the only one to do wrong?! What did I do wrong anyway? However I look at it from the very beginning is that she did all of this and I hate her. Whoever sent this to me, just gave a further reason to hate her and I will go to my grave with this hatred.

     Whatever good times I had with you Jessica as a friend, I can’t even remember them and I hope I will never remember them, because they were all lies. You were a pretty white lie.

     Quickly, I hung up the phone and shut my eyes, to clear out all this thoughts in my mind so I could at least show a better me to the people outside. Things will get better now.

     The first face I saw was Jiyong as he gave me a warm smile and pulled the chair for me sit down at. “Having fun birthday girl?” He asked me and that spoiled grin on my face faltered, because I just remembered a memory a while ago.

      ‘Are you having fun?’

     The taste in my mouth suddenly became bitter and I saw Jiyong’s smile start to lower on his lips, but I immediately nodded my head.

     I took a seat in the chair and there was already a medium size box on the table.

      “Oh, I don’t know who left this here. Why don’t you open it to find out?” Jiyong asked me and I nodded in agreement. Let’s keep partying so I can forget everything else.

     With curiosity at its core, I placed my fingers around the box and found myself wondering about the gift Jessica gave me and then she told me goodbye. Was that her goodbye gift? It’s best. I don’t want to ever see her again and the moment I opened the box, I jumped out of the seat with a scream. “Ah!”

     The smell of old blood was suffocating and instantly made me dizzy. I would have thought I was losing my grip on my life and that I finally let go.

    Inside the box were pads and tampons soaked in disgusting blood from a woman’s menstrual and on top was a piece of paper that said Leave or Die!

     “Cover that up!” I heard Jiyong yell at someone who was running over and he turned me around quickly, in which I felt my head spin around and I thought I heard a twinkling sound before there was a burn in my throat.

    My eyes widened and I held my mouth with my hand as the smell just made my stomach turn into sickening spirals and Jiyong quickly pulled me to the bathroom.

    This time I was hurling out of the contents of my stomach over a toilet and as I did so I cried, because I remembered a funny incident.

    Yet it’s funny, it makes me cry. I and Jessica were pulling one another to take turns to throw up in the toilet just as I was doing now. Even though we were pitiful, we were amusing.

    When the puking came to its finish, I just balled myself up and pressed my back against the wall.

     “Taeyeon get up to rinse your mouth out,” I heard Jiyong tell me but I looked at one spot on the floor as I was giving into this illness in my body.

      “Taeyeon,” Jiyong had called my name out as if he was begging, but he was forced to give up when there was a knock on the bathroom door.

     He released a tiresome sigh and stood up, going to and opening the bathroom door.

      “Jiyong is Taeyeon alright?” I heard a small voice ask and it sounded familiar.

      “Yes. I’m going to go send everyone home. Watch Taeyeon for me, will you?” He asked and I turned my head, looking at the back of Jiyong stepping out the bathroom.

      “Of course,” She replied and took Jiyong’s spot in the bathroom.

      “Taeyeon…are you really okay?” This girl who was supposed to be my sister asked me.

     I must have really cared for you as my sister for me to lose my mind and run to the hospital without any second thoughts when I didn’t even remember you. I guess that is what family does, right?

      “Oh…I am sorry. I forgot you can’t talk,” She whispered, regretting to have asked me that previous question and my shivering had began to stop, but I remained in that tight ball.

     Slowly and cautiously she walked toward me, before lowering herself on her knees, to be in front of me.

      “I don’t know what I can do for you…but I can do something you did for me when I was sick,” This innocent girl told me and I felt I was being a bit comfort when she shut her eyes to start singing to me.

     This song strangely sounded familiar, but I couldn’t even put the tip of my finger on it.

“Without even knowing, I was holding the phone
It’s me, it’s been a long time
Because it was so hard, because I felt bad if I held you back
Because I regret letting you go, I just let out a sigh

Because I was so surprised, I couldn’t speak
I was holding on to my trembling heart
Are you struggling a lot? Where are you?
Before I could even ask, tears fell down
Just by hearing the sound of your breath”

     But, by just hearing the song, I cried and to cry made me a bit relieved.

     Before I even knew it, she put me to sleep with her sweet serenade. I love you my little sister. I will remember you soon. I promise.

****

     The only word I could think to describe the feeling when I woke up was pain. From the center of my head to the soles of my feet, I was drenched in sweat as I lay in a bed with Jiyong in the middle of the night.

     I was like a baby that suddenly woke up crying and Jiyong was the father tending to the baby.

“Taeyeon what’s wrong. Please baby, speak to me,” I heard him plead to me after turning on the lights, which just tripled the pain that was in every inch of my being and even cell.

     This was different, much different from the pain I had before. It even seemed that pain I had before was a laugh to this excruciation I was going through. To even describe it in a way for a normal person to understand, it seemed someone kicked me with the tip of their hard steel toed shoes on every area of my body.

     All I wanted was relief. It seemed all my life that was what I only wanted. Relief.

     Jiyong sat me up and I mewled louder from him touching my arms and back, but he kept doing so.

      “Taeyeon tell me what is wrong!?” He demanded and he was driving me crazy as I felt the urge to purge again, in which I threw up nothing by acid which burnt my throat. I held my mouth, but it escaped in a mess.

      “Ah!” Jiyong yelped and quickly stood up, before he tried getting me to stand in which my legs abandoned me, causing me to fall to my knees drastically.

     I never thought I would be this much of a disgrace. I never thought I would become so pathetic. I can’t blame anyone for that but myself.

      “Here throw up in this?” I heard Jiyong say and I saw a dark blue bucket pushed in front of me.

     My eyes were heavy and I just wanted to black out, but this eruption from within my stomach just wouldn’t let me.

     Weakly, I took the bucket and I vomited to the point that I thought I would die from suffocation, because I couldn’t breathe for even one moment.

     Even when I came to a point of stopping, I felt myself trying to force more out so this would be over, but it’s never over when you say so.

     Finally, when there was no more to escape from the contents of my stomach, I tried breathing, but I even felt too tired to breathe so they came out so slow and half heartedly.

     I was just looking at the floor once Jiyong took the bucket away and I just gave into sickness. I felt like , so I figured I was nothing more than .

     But, just the touch of his hands made me feel like gold, when he lifted my face, wiping it off with a damp rag while he looked deep in my eyes.

     Jiyong is it okay to say I want to die?

      “Stick in there Taeyeon. I told you it was your strength that me fall for you in the first place. You were always so strong and even when you looked like you fell in a million pieces; you were still able to piece those pieces together. I will now help you in piecing you together also,” He whispered and I pressed my lips tightly against one another.

     I didn’t want to cry and yet I did as so.

     After making a big mess, Jiyong cleaned me up and laid me back in the bed, but I could still feel my joints aching and muscles twitching. I could even feel my skin crawl.

      “Here, I got some medicine that’s for pain. Sit up and drink some water with it afterward,” Jiyong spoke to me calmly and I instantly shook my head. I don’t want to throw up again. I rather remain like this and it will eventually go away.

      “I don’t know what else to do for you then…” He breathed out as if he was useless and I shut my eyes, which was a tactic of mines to get away from everything, but not anymore. Even the pain came to find me in the darkness.

     “Should I…” He began talking as if he had an idea, but I just kept praying.

God, if you are real please help me. Please make this pain go away. I will repent. I will stop hurting others. I will even say sorry God. Please help me.

     For some reason I remember being an atheist before and now I’m calling for God. I had to be the biggest hypocrite ever. There was no way God would answer my prayers.

     But, he did and I gasped with my eyes opening so wide, I thought I had seen the light for the first time.

     My eyes looked down seeing, a tip of needle injected in the vein of my arm and I saw the worried look upon Jiyong’s face.

      “I’m sorry…I don’t know what else to do but this,” He whispered to me sorrowfully, but I was happy, so happy as I felt the pain wash away into the greatest amount of pleasure.

***

     The next three days, I remained at Jiyong’s apartment and I remained doped up on heroin. I knew was an addict, but as long I didn’t suffer from that pain I felt before, I would do heroin for the rest of my life. Jiyong tried stopping me, but I would scream till he gave it to me.

      “Taeyeon…why don’t you try taking your grand mal medicine today? We don’t know when you will have another seizure?” He asked me as I sat on the couch in his living room, with the TV on as I was mixing the substance of heroin with water in a spoon, which was how I saw Jiyong do yesterday.

     I ignored him as he took a seat next to me and the moment he pushed it towards my face, I slapped it out of his hand, watching it fall onto the floor and I looked towards him with a defying glare.

     There was no point in talking, because my eyes spoke louder than any mouth would and yes, I could talk again. I started talking yesterday, but it was just in small and short words.

     A long aghast sigh came from the back of his throat and to be expelled into the air as he looked away, running his hand through his short hair in distress.

      “Taeyeon, if you keep doing this you are going to become an addict,” He began lecturing me and I got angry so quickly I slammed the spoon down with the heroin splashing out in a wasteful mess.

      “Ah! Look at what the you made me do! God damn it!” I snarled with venom dripping off my lips as I looked at Jiyong’s face that was filled with devastation and he then looked away laughing as if I was mad.

     “I don’t see nothing ing funny,” I sounded pissed and I was as I lifted my hand, to the droplets of heroin off of it. Not a single drop could go to waste.

      “Must I put a damn mirror in front of you so you can see how ty you look?” He asked me vulgarly and my eyes widened extremly.

     Is this your true self Jiyong? I don’t remember a single thing about you, but I am sure soaking this up.

     I simply smiled at him just to piss him off and I lifted up the next small white bag off the table. “Then this will make me beautiful. Watch and learn,” I said with daring laugh as I opened it and he snatched from my very fingertips as he stood up with anger raw in his sudden jolt.

      “I won’t just watch and learn. You’re making a monster out of yourself Taeyeon!” He exclaimed but he was begging at the same time, but I blew up when he took the drug from me.

      “I am already a monster!” I yelled and stood up, with tears making my eyes suddenly becoming red.

     Can’t you see Jiyong and you can even see better than me, because you are looking at me. I don’t like myself. I don’t like my life.

      “You are not a monster,” He fought against what I said and I saw him balling the bag up in his hand as if he was going to destroy it.

      “Give that back to me,” I commanded with every muscle in my body becoming tense and I looked down at his hand alone.

     He hadn’t said anything so I was going to take it, but when I reached to grab it, he withdrew his hand back and I felt my heart throb.

      “You need to get your mind straight anyway. Your CEO, Mr. Youngmin called me a little while ago and told me to tell you will be going on a music show that you went on to sing. They will be announcing the winner, so you won’t have to say much, but just in case you do, you need to have your mind straight,” He ended with his voice becoming rough  and I slapped the palm of my hand against his chest, pushing him back while I looked up in his eyes.

      “Who do you think you are to talk about getting my mind straight and being a monster? Aren’t you one too? I saw you secretly shooting in the bathroom yesterday. I’m sure you even did some with me before. Just wait I will remember and I will torment you for all of that,” I spoke calmly and wickedly, because I hit a spot from the way his eyes diverted.

      “You will torment me if I don’t stop you Taeyeon. You will blame me. You will hate me…I don’t want to lose you and even more your love,” He whispered to my painfully and for once I felt guilty.

     Wasn’t it just a couple days ago, I had gone insane and he was there making me sane over and over. Even now he is doing that, but all I know that pain will come back if I don’t take that drug. If anything it is pure heaven. Why is he stopping me when it isn’t even making me sick?

      “Then let me blame you. Let me hate you, because I will loathe you to my very death if I have to go through that pain because you took that drug from me- no, it’s not even a drug. It’s a medicine.”

      “A medicine?” He asked with a snort in disbelief and I saw him look away, as if he was thinking about it. He knows the effect of it. That was when I suddenly remember something.

      “It’s a good drug,” I mirrored the memory of him telling me that and his eyes instantly came back to me.

     You did give me this drug before and suddenly I felt as if a lightning bolt pierced my heart as I gripped my chest with a loud yelp, in which Jiyong quickly held me by my shoulders.

      “Taeyeon! W-What’s wrong!?” He began and I suddenly felt that electricity make a cage around my heart and squeezed it to the point I would cough up blood, but only my mouth became filled with saliva.

      “I’ll give it to you. I’m sorry…I’m sorry…you are right,” He quickly said in a panicked tone as he sat me down on the couch to prepare the drug and he quickly shot the heroine straight to the heart, where the pain was suddenly numbed.

     For the first time, deep inside I hated hearing I was right. I knew I was wrong.

     I had lost track of time to the point that I was laying down in the bed, looking at the night sky wondering if it was the nighttime of the same day or even the morning. Is the sun even scared to see me?

      “Taeyeon,” I heard my name whispered over my shoulder and I turned my head slightly, to see a light .

     Softly I hummed a yes and didn’t hear a reply from him so I kept my bare chest covered by the blanket as I sat up.

      “This was one of your birthday gifts from the party…I think you should look at it since you aren’t sleeping yet,” he said to me with his soft brown eyes, that pulled me in a like a warm cup of coffee.

      “Sure…why not?” I spoke a bit brightly and took the gift from his hand.

     It was a square, silver box that had flowers engraved in its metal design on it and strangely, just strangely it looked familiar. Was it a memory coming back?

     Slowly, I placed my fingers on the edges and noticed it was kind of hard to lift.

      “I think you have to unlatch this first,” Jiyong pointed out and looked up at him for a short second then down at the latch on the box.

      “Oh,” I breathed out and lifted up the small latch, before I could finally lift it.

     The top remained attached to the box, but was able to fall all the way back and my eyes stretched out in immense curiosity from the objects in the box.

     My hand instantly went fishing in the box to admire the objects in the box, which was the following: a pink light stick that read Girls Generation, two pink tickets to a Girls Generation concert, pink flash drive, two Roman numeral necklaces that were dated for March 8, 2002, two bracelets with one having a sun and the other the moon, then lastly there was a metallic pink diary with a lock on it.

      “Where’s the key?” I asked in a faint whisper as I was picking it up, seeing that it had some weight and thickness to it.

      “You don’t see it in there?” He asked and moved the things around in the box.

      “It’s not here…”I muttered and tried pulling on the lock, seeing if I would open, but it didn’t of course.

      “Well…we can always try cutting it off,” Jiyong said and I my teeth at it.

     Quickly he put his hands up as if was innocent and I chuckled lightly.

      “No, that would ruin this gift…I’m sure the person who sent this had a purpose in mind for sending this. Who sent this?” I asked him and he quickly diverted my eyes.

      “There’s something else in there that you didn’t see,” He said and pointed at a rectangle shape in the bottom box, which I thought to be a photo.

     With pursed lips, I picked it up and I instantly dropped the necklaces I was holding in my other hand.

     It was me, a younger version of me as someone had their arm around my waist and mines around her neck. In my eyes I could see the glee and happiness. I could see it in hers too as she was looking at me. You would think this person was smiling because I was.

     My breathing suddenly became ragged as I noticed the picture was shaking, but it was doing so because my hand holding it was quivering like a rattle snake and it was a warning, because I exploded in the next very second.

      “Why bring me this ’s present!?” I exclaimed after pushing the entire box down on the floor which made a tremendous amount of noise.

      “Taeyeon,” Jiyong tried calling my name and once more my emotions became a wild storm, because I was fighting a war with myself.

     You know she isn’t my best friend or even my friend! Why are you making me more involved with her as it already is!?” I was continuously yelling and I was slamming my hand down on the bed.

      “What did that girl do to you ever Taeyeon? I just don’t understand.”

     He shook his head and turned to leave from the bed.

      “You don’t understand?” I asked and I felt tears burning my eyes as I remembered the past since I didn’t have a future any longer.

      “No, I don’t,” He breathed out as if I was bothering him and I saw him stand in his boxers, while he was pulling out a cigarette box from a drawer along with a lighter.

      “Then you don’t love me,” I whispered and it literally felt a dark cloud was hanging over my head.

     He instantly slammed the cigarettes down and shook his head multiple times, making his hair become a tragic mess.

      “Taeyeon, can you just stop?” He asked me and I gripped harder on the blankets to the point I didn’t even noticed I had scratched my chest.

      “No, I can’t!” I yelled and I lowered my head as if I was ashamed.

     The moment he came back to the bed, I flinched when he placed his hand on my thigh.

      “Then tell me what happened…I’ll listen,” He spoke softer and I knew he was trying not to become agitated with me, but he was nonetheless.

     My lips were already soaked in tears as I felt my body shivering as if it was cold and Jiyong wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in his shoulder as he the back of my head.

      “Tell me,” He whispered soothingly and I shut my eyes tightly.

      “I…I was r-,” I spoke with immense fright and I felt Jiyong hold me even fondly, for me to continue.

      “I was abused…a lot. I can remember t-the scars…the blood…” I was almost screaming as the images of me being in a closed up room, with the door block by a man who once called me his student.

      “I-I’m so sorry Taeyeon…so sorry,” Jiyong whispered to me with such sorrow and I nodded.

      “Jessica wasn’t there when I needed her…she betrayed me. I thought she was my only friend, but she showed herself to be one of my many enemies.”

      “You have to be wrong about her Taeyeon…you have to be,” He pleaded to me and I pushed away from him wildly.

      “You think I am lying then?” I asked him and looked at him crazily.

      “T-That’s not what I am saying,” He began and I couldn’t stand it.

     I clutched my arms quickly and shook my head as I looked away from him. “Stay away from me…you’re no different. I can’t trust you…I can’t trust…you,” I repeated and I really meant that from the heart.

     You too will probably hurt me.

      “Taeyeon,” He called my name out and just like that he was no longer in my world as I quickly got out the bed.

     Where is she? Where is my only friend?

Desperately, I was opening Jiyong’s drawers of his rooms, looking on tops and flipping objects looking for her.

      “What are you doing!?”  Jiyong was yelling and blasting my brains out as I was running around while running my hand through my hair as if I was crazy and I was.

      “Give her to me! Give her to me!” I yelled and grabbed the top of his shoulders, shaking him in which he grabbed my wrists, but I snatched away as if he was fire.

      “Don’t touch me,” I ripped off cruelly off my lips.

      “Taeyeon, what the is going on?!” He was losing his mind and that didn’t do my any good.

      “Give me Heroin now!!!”I roared like a monster and he shook his head as he was looking at me crazily.

      “You’re a monster…I’ve made you into a monster,” He whispered with dying fear and I felt this scary sensation coursing through my veins from the tip of my toes to the top of my head before I started to feel spacey.  I no longer knew the difference between fantasy or reality.

      “Jiyong…hurry give her to me now,” I was now begging as I was grabbing his arm and he just covered his mouth when began to mourn with tears coming in his eyes.

     But, it was too late my mind collapsed as my body became the entity of an earthquake till I faded out in the darkness.

     When the lights came on, I had been restored.

     The bright sunshine rays pierced past my shut eyelids and I shook my head left and right, telling them to leave me that I wanted to sleep longer, but Mother Nature always knew what was best. It was time to wake up, but my body felt like it was lifeless till I gave it the will to move a little.

     My mouth was so dry and chapped that I my lips as I moved around in the bed freely; stretching to my heart’s content, but my heart seemed to have limitations as I felt another body suddenly.

     I froze instantly and all the hairs on my body stood up straight as if I had been electrocuted. Who was this? Was it Hayeon? But, when did Hayeon have large biceps like a man!?

      “You’re awake now?” I heard this voice and fear poured into my heart in a grand flood.

     Who was this!?

     In the speed of light, I turned my head at the same time I opened my eyes and even my eyelids were scared that they pushed to the depths between my eyes so tightly that my eyeballs could have popped out right then and there.

     I was just in shock. W-Wait…I remember now…we were at a party last night for some celebration drinking…then…n-no.

     My hand slapped against my chest and I heard skin against skin. Mentally my mind gasped and I would have thought I was gasping actually because I couldn’t breathe.

     Then my eyes began to act if they had a need to wanderlust as they traveled down his plump lips, rounded Adam’s apple, creamy chest, torso and then I lowered my hand, seeing I was just as .

     We had !!!!!!!!

      “Ahhhh!” I screamed like a little girl who had just seen a boy’s private part by accident for the first time as I sat up with my arms across my chest.

     Following me, he jumped up to  sit and reached his hand to touch me. “Taeyeon, what’s wrong now?”

     As far as I could, I jerked back and pulled the white sheet with me in the corner of the bed.

      “Don’t touch me!” I cried out between hysterical sobs and I cried even more when I saw his morning wood.

     Why me!?

     He then retreated his hands, including himself as a whole while I had my eyes shut, but there was no point in fighting reality.

     I just slept with G-Dragon and not just any slept, we had a one-night stand.

      “Why did you do this to me?” I continued to weep horribly and finally opened my eyes, setting a limit for my eyes to come down to his collar bone. Why did his collar bone even have to be y!? It was even a sin to look at it.

      “I-I know…I’m so sorry Taeyeon,” He began apologizing right away as he looked away with a heavyhearted expression.

      “I didn’t ask for you stupid apology! I asked why!!” I was mourning pathetically.

     His eyebrow jumped up a little and slowly brought himself to look at him, in which I instantly avoided his gaze.

      “Must you really ask why when you begged for it to the point you were screaming?” He spoke as if I was stupid and I felt even my blood got riled up with that as a crimson blush bloomed on my face.

      “I did no such thing!”I immediately retaliated and looked down at my own self in doubt.

     There’s no way I was screaming for it. I was not begging for it.

     Oh my god, did I?

     I can’t even remember because I had drunk too much.

     He released a tiresome sigh and I felt his weight be removed from the bed, in which I looked for a quick second, which led me to be screaming in my head from seeing his firm .

      “Taeyeon, you better be glad I love you.”

     Right then and there, I became as still as a block of ice, but my body defied all science, because I was hot as molten magma from a volcano from the inside with my heart banging against my chest for escape.

     Wait, Taeyeon, did you forget about Baekhyun!? He is going to kill you if he finds out!

     That was a stinging slap to my face suddenly and I shook his spell right off.

      “Stop sweet talking me. Is that how you got your way in last night, huh?” I got bolder after I woke up and I saw him slip on a pair of boxers that were on the floor. Like that helped that .

      “It was actually you who came on to me last night. Don’t you remember?” He asked me and looked at me with squinted, confused eyes.

      “No, I don’t!” I exclaimed and my hands were tightened in balls from the growing frustration. Who was he fooling!?

      “Just great,” He whispered and turned around, opening his curtains with a pull, revealing the city view.

     All I know I had to get out of here.

     My eyes ran for the floor, looking for my clothes and there they were.

     Quickly, I got out the bed and started putting them on me, in which I gasped when I was just pulling up my lacey underwear. Something wet was slipping from between my legs.

      “You came in me!?”I screamed and shook my head, going insane.

      “Of course,” he replied so easily that I wanted to push him through that window if possible and I pulled up my , before I charged right over to him to get him straight, but his stare from the window froze me right on my feet.

     Slowly, he turned around and I bit on my bottom lip with nervousness kicking in.

      “What is it you have to say now? Are you sick? Are you in pain? Do you hate me or do you love me?” He asked me and stepped to me, in which I suddenly felt so small and him so big.

     I was rendered speechless and you know what, I give up. My hat is off to you G-Dragon.

     I just need to get out of here and I prepared for my exit with a spin on my heels, but I was dancing back around when his hand was wrapped around my wrist, suddenly turning me and pulling me against his body.

      “What’s the rush? It seems you are feeling well, am I right?” He asked me and a sly smirk was on his lips while his hand rested on top of my , pushing me into his hard which was making me tingle downstairs.

      “W-Why are you in a rush?” I asked and I wanted to slap myself.

     I was giving into my hormones. I am too grown for this!

      “Don’t you already know?” he asked me in a sensual voice that was so hot like lava itself and smooth like chocolate as he suddenly turned me around so my was pressed against the scenery window.

     I couldn’t even speak, because I was trying to silent my moans when he lifted one of my legs and I gasped when I saw him tug his boxers down with one hand.

     It was too late as he was holding his hardened stature in his hand while he rubbed the tip against my clothed before he let it slip from the side, protruding my whole.

      “S-Stop,” I managed to say, but he pressed his lips against mines, silencing them as he pushed right in through the previous wetness.

     When he had buckled himself right in, I threw my right mind out the window and gripped onto his shoulders as he working his hips in and out while he my little tongue in his mouth, making it his prisoner.

     And, when I felt those tremors all of my bodies and the buzzing sensation in the core of my entry, I rolled my eyes and heard my own scream when he placed his lips on the side of my neck, lighting biting in it like a vampire as he grunted so deep and long, when we both exploded fireworks together.

      “I bet you remember now,” he whispered in my ear and shivers ran through my body so quickly as he pulled himself out my wet hole that was dripping more than before.

     My legs were weaker than before and I thought I would fall down on the floor if it wasn’t for this window as he placed his hand around the nape of my neck before he brought his lips close to mines while he looked down in my eyes with such domination.

      “Are you done ing another man’s woman?” I asked him bitterly and his approach to my lips instantly came to a halt as he suddenly blinked before opening his eyes that were written with confusion.

      “Another man’s?” He asked as if I said it wrong as he pulled back, scrunching his eyebrows together.

      “Don’t act like you don’t know?”I said with my back and palms pressed against the window as if I wanted to be far away from him.

      “W-Wait…” He began as if was thinking, but don’t worry G-Dragon. I got this one covered for you.

      “No, I’m not going to wait for an excuse to me. What are you going to say? Oh, I just need to you till I get tired of you?” I asked and for some reason this felt like Déjà Vu. What is this?

     Quickly, I continued as I felt a little strength return to my feet and legs, I slid over and walked off from the window, in which he turned my way as he was pulling his boxers back up.

     Yes, put this es back on, because they won’t be coming off again.

      “Just in case you don’t know ‘G-Dragon’, I am taken and happily dating Byun Baekhyun. Last night was an accident at that party so now let’s learn from our mistakes which is to fix them and that happens by not ing me!” I exclaimed strongly and it seemed I made a firm impact as he was looking at me with wide eyes.

     Since he wasn’t saying anything, I took it he got the message, I turned with a hair flip and felt my leg ready to give out with a sore , but I pulled it together while I got my clothing from the floor and finished dressing myself.

     Let’s see my shoes should be downstairs.

      “Taeyeon,” He called my name as I had turned for the door and I stopped breifly.

      “Do you really think you were at a party last night? Do you even know what party it was?” He asked me and I turned my head a little.

      “I do and I don’t,” I replied honestly. To be honest, the whole thing seems kind of fuzzy.

      “Taeyeon stop. Don’t leave. You need to understand what is going on with you,” He spoke with urgency and I thought he was just trying to pull me in again. I mean he is a man and all, but when I turned around his eyes were screaming and yet begging.

     What was this message conveyed in these eyes?

      “What do you mean?” I asked with a soft sigh.

      “You don’t remember, but you and Baekhyun already broke up. The party you remember was a new year’s party and now it is March the 13^th. You had a seizure, three days ago which caused you to temporarily to forget that’s why you don’t remember. The person you are dating is me. The person you love is me,” He spoke dramatically toward the end and it even seemed his eyes became scared, but I couldn’t pity him, but I could credit him for his acting and storytelling skills.

      “Maybe the reason I don’t remember being in love with you is maybe because I never loved you, so there was nothing to remember in the first place,” I said cruelly with cold eyes and I slapped his hand away that I saw reaching for my hand the next moment.

      “Savor this touch G-Dragon, because it will be your last,” I said and I didn’t let him stop me as I turned, rushing out his bedroom door, then down the stairs as he was suddenly following me.

      “Taeyeon, Taeyeon, Taeyeon…Taeyeon stop!” He yelled so loudly that it echoed throughout his entire apartment as I was now at the front door while putting on my shoes.

     Regardless of his calls, I reached for the doorknob and I would have sworn he almost ripped me in half as he yanked on my wrist like I was some type of doll. God damn it, I am a ing human. At least treat me like one!

      “Why won’t you let me go!?” I proclaimed and looked up him with raging eyes as he kept a firm grip on my wrist.

      “That’s a question I’ve been asking myself since I first...” He first started off with his voice yelling, but he grew quiet as if he was pondering on what I just finally asked him.

     What? Since you first met me?

     As far as my memory goes back, I met you at another party before. Are you saying you couldn’t let me go back then? Bull .

      “Since I first held you in my arms,” He finally finished his sentence and he looked back up in my eyes as my tense jaws suddenly softened, but they hardened at the reality of his words.

     You first held me last night.

     You’re not the sweet talker I thought the legendary G-Dragon would be. That shows that you aren’t even trying with me. I can at least own up to a players skills, but this is just humiliating. Stop it now.

      “Well I got the answer for it and that’s for me to leave now,” I spoke seriously and I tried to turn around, but he pushed me against the door a bit violently with my hand pressed next to my head.

      “Are you going to hurt me now?” I asked him at the moment I saw fury running into his face, but it was instantly removed with my words as his lip quivered and then fell with his hand loosening on my wrist.

     Finally.

     With a deep inhale, I broke free from his grasp and breathed out in relief. Quickly, I unlocked the door and opened in the little space I was permitted from his body being in the way too.

     At just the moment I was shutting the door, there was a crack in the door and I think that door represented my heart, because he made his way in that small opening.

      “I would never hurt you,” He said and a tear ran straight down my face.

     Why does it feel like you already did?

     All while I was walking down the hallway and standing in the elevator, his face and his voice was stuck in my mind.

     It was enough I had an affair with my body, but not my mind also!

     I hadn’t even notice that the elevator had opened and I quickly placed my hand to open the doors that were closing.

      “Get yourself together Taeyeon,” I spoke to myself in a whisper and shook my head as if he would just fall out, but that wasn’t possible.

     My finger pressed the small door bell of Seohyun’s door and I tried using a yoga mind clearing tactic I learned when I shut my eyes as I waited.

     Empty the mind. Become blank space. Become one with time and space.

      “Taeyeon?” I heard a voice break through my blank space meditation and I opened my eyes to see Seohyun with the door cracked open.

     She looked as if she just woke up with messy long black hair, pale and yet tiresome baby face with a pink satin robe on.

      “A-Ah, Hi,” I started awkwardly and I suddenly wished I spent my time thinking of the reason I would tell her I am here instead of saying I just had a one night stand with G-Dragon. I mean how would that ing sound!?

      “What brings you here?” She asked and I raised my eyebrow up. Why isn’t she inviting me in? This damn Maknae.

      “I came to…”I started off and I tried thinking of an excuse. I can’t say to practice a song…because I don’t even remember last time we had to practice one. S-…

     That was when I suddenly heard a manly voice and I looked up at Seohyun’s panicked expression.

      “Seohyun, who is at the door?” I heard a male voice asked and I reacted how I would act even I didn’t need an excuse.

     I saw Seohyun’s eyes go vast and she turned her head, shaking it as if she was warning the other person.

      “Who is that?” I asked with a big, gummy smile and she started off stuttering.

      “O-Oh, t-that…” She couldn’t explain herself so I did as I kicked the door open from the bottom of my feet, causing her to fall backward instantly, but she was caught by the hands of her secret man.

     Like I was some terrorizing gangster, I walked in and shut the door behind me, looking from the feet first, but when I saw his face; my mind was the explosion that was dropped on Hiroshima.

     The rise of my shaky finger was just the warning sign of was about to flipped upside down as I pointed at the face of no one other than what I liked to call the Double P (Player & ert) of the music industry.

      “S-Seungri!?” I exclaimed while questioning in disbelief.

      “Oh, hi there,” he spoke friendly with a big smile that made his eyes smaller as he was helping Seohyun stand and I shook my head.

      “You two are seeing each other!?” I roared and Seohyun just looked away with a guilty expression as Seungri smoothened her shoulders down.

      “Just like how you and G-Dragon are seeing one another,” He spoke as free as the breeze while he took the liberty to step right in front of me, which was the stupidest move any human can make that, walked the face on the earth, because I would make them disappear from it. Even aliens could be smarter than you.

     With my teeth gritted, I hit the back of his head hard, in which he jumped, surprised.

      “You piece of Big Bang ,” I cursed the name of his boy group which included GD and I rose my hand up again, in which he started to run.

      “Don’t you dare run from me!” I yelled as Seohyun was panicking, trying to follow us, but we were too fast for her as we went around the couch, over the couch, upstairs, in the bed, over the bed, under the bed and even the tub of her bathroom. That was when I got him good.

     How dare you think you can harm my little girl! I know you are just a big bad wolf, trying to steal my sheep!

     It was a while after when we were all in the living room, taking a nice sit on the couch as Seungri his wounds.

      “Don’t you dare console him,” I told Seohyun that was reaching her hand out to him as I made them sit on one end of the couch each as I sat in a chair across from them with my legs and arm cross.

      “How long have you two been seeing one another?” I asked and my eyes were squinted, watching every sign from their body language.

     They both had looked at one another and I cleared my throat as they both looked at me.

      “O-One m” Seohyun had began and my heart had lightened up when I predicted her next word, but the twit with the sore head, blew me up once more.

      “One year,” He quickly said and I uncrossed my legs and arms instantly.

      “One year!” I yelled and looked at Seohyun who was holding her hands with a small shiver.

      “Is this true?” I was looking at Seohyun and she bit on her bottom lip as she nodded.

     They’ve been going behind my back all this time!? I should have known from that Mama Performance ending when he pulled Seohyun out to dance with him.

      “Why you sneaky wolf and sly fox,” I battered them down and Seungri broke out in a small laugh, before gulping it down.

      “Why you think that’s funny?!” I said and grabbed a pillow to throw at him, in which he flinched, but I lowered it in pity.

      “No – No, sister in law,” He spoke to me and jumped across from that chair, smacking him right in his chest with the pillow, in which Seohyun screamed.

      “Sister in law!? Are you saying you two are getting married?!” I questioned him while I was hitting and stopped for him to answer, but the next moment I thought I was about to pass out.

      “We are already married,” he said and Seohyun hopped up quickly, helping me to return to my chair.

      “Y-You’re already married?” I questioned Seohyun in a weak, defeated voice when she sat me down and she broke out in tears.

      “I’m sorry Unnie. I wanted to tell you, but I just thought the time wasn’t right,” she wept to me and Seungri was now in front of me on his knees.

      “Please me give me your blessings,” he spoke in a respectful tone before bowing, in which I hissed while raising my hand, but it was no good. What’s done is done, right?

      “Just take me home,” I breathed out with fatigue and pressed two fingers to the side of my forehead because I just had an headache. It was just the morning and it was already this hectic. Today indeed will be a long day.

     Seohyun and Seungri left me to rest as they went got dressed to take me home.

     How could that girl just sneak behind my back like that? Come on, I’m even the leader of our group. I should be the first person to know.

     I wonder if even Mr. Youngmin knew. If they had a registered marriage document, of course he would find out, but then again Seungri is rich and can keep it hidden.

     When they both came down, I just got up without any questions and followed them out the building.

     All three of us walked out in the parking lot and I happened to pass a white Lamborghini, in which I stopped instantly, looking at the windows, but I couldn’t see inside. What is it about this car? It can’t be the style since I see Hyoyeon’s Lamborghini all the time as it is.

      “Why didn’t you just get Jiyong to take you home?” I heard Seungri ask me when he caught up with me and I glared at him so strong that it could pierce his eyes.

     He must have been at that party and known about the one night stand too. I am officially an anti-fan of Big Bang from this moment on.

      “N-Never mind, my car is right next to his. It’s the Jaguar XJ,” he bragged and pointed at the car, in which I rose my hands up, clapping slowly as if I was impressed. I heard Seohyun giggle behind us and I couldn’t help but laugh with a big smile as well when Seungri walked off as if he was depressed.

     After he unlocked the car, I took the liberty to sit in the front before Seohyun could and I motioned her to hit the back seat.

     Seungri showed signs of uneasiness with that toothy smile when he took his seat in the driver’s seat while I was putting on my seat belt.

     When Seungri put his key in the ignition and turned it on with the motor lightly rumbling, that’s when I started the conversation.

      “So, you gave up your Double P days?” I asked with a small smile and he laughed lightly, before his bottom lips.

      “What’s Double P?” He asked and looked up in the rear view mirror at Seohyun who was watching.

      “Oh, ask Seohyun. She knows,” I said and she placed her hand over as if she didn’t want to say it, but she clearly thought it.

     Seungri hands were already on the steering wheel and pressed on the gas at the same moment I looked down.

      “Stop!” I yelled and we were all about to fly out the car when Seungri abruptly pressed on the brakes from that white Lamborghini speeding out the parking lot.

      “Such a rude ,” I cursed whoever was driving that damn car and I fixed my hair to be tucked behind my ear.

     I then noticed that Seungri was looking at me with big eyes. What never heard a curse word before?

     He simply shook his head and continued driving out the parking lot, down the street.

      “How do you even know where I live?” I asked Seungri when I noticed he was driving the right way to my house.

      “I don’t,” he replied and I blinked. Is he messing with me?

      “Then how?” I asked and he looked over at me with a small laugh.

      “You don’t know that car?” He asked me and nodded his head forward, in which I saw that same white Lamborghini.

      “Isn’t that ty driver that cut in front of us a while ago,” I said with pursed lips as Seungri followed the turn the car took.

      “Well…that’s true, but you’ve never seen it before?” He asked and I looked away thinking, but then back at him.

      “I mean I’ve seen it and heard about the white Lamborghini. Just not that one…” I dazed off when I saw Seungri stop behind the car when it came to a red light as I read the car license tag.

      “G Dragon,” I whispered and Seungri hummed in agreement, in which I was suddenly silent. I had planned to bombard Seungri with questions about him and Seohyun, but this just ruined it.

     Finally, I was home, but I wasn’t away from that freak. Ugh, first he makes me cheat, screws me in front of the city and starts trying to fool me. Now, he is stalking me?

      “You aren’t getting out?” Seungri asked and I woke up from staring at the white Lamborghini that was parked right next to us at my house.

      “Oh, yeah I am. Bye,” I spoke as if I was in a daze and I was. My hand was shaking as I was opening the car and I got out slowly. Would he come out his car?

     After slamming the door shut, I looked back at Seohyun waving as she remained in the back seat while Seungri pulled out, but this Lamborghini was still here.

     I stayed still for a moment, looking at the window of the driver’s side, but I couldn’t see anything due to it being tinted and I wondered.

     Are you looking at me? Why are you here?

     Remembering how you looked before and what you said. It made me wonder if what you said was true, but I knew it couldn’t be. It was impossible if a time machine didn’t exist. It was impossible.

     I was able to let go as I turned and walked away, going to the front door.

     Once I knocked on it, it wasn’t long when it was opened by my dad and his eyes widened, but then he looked back as if was remembering something.

      “Oh, you didn’t have your keys with you?” Dad asked and I shook my head, but I saw him look over my shoulder and I did a little also.

      “Well, come on in. I was about to go to work just now. You’ll have the house to yourself since Hayeon is in school and your mom is out at the store with your brother,” Dad told me and I nodded, as I forced myself to not look again, but go straight up stairs.

     On my back, I was looking at the ceiling as I heard the door be shut from down stairs, letting me know that Dad just left.

     I got up from my bed I was laying in and went to the window, looking down and I was surprised that he was still here, while dad was pulling out the driveway.

     By the time I finished the memory of him grabbing my wrist with such desperation, I heard his car start and watched him pull out the drive way, before he turned, driving away till I couldn’t see him anymore. I had felt that he took my heart with him, because right now I felt so empty.

     I shut my eyes and turned around with a few breaths. It’s now time to forget everything that happened.  There is no way I can tell Baekhyun…but what if he finds out anyway. It’s best that I tell him anyway and maybe he will forgive me.

     That thought didn’t go as planned, because I avoided touching my cell phone and did many odd and ends around the house such as playing the piano, watching TV, cleaning clothes, napping and I spent much of my time just staring in blank space.

     It seemed as my memory was broken up in pieces like a puzzle and yet I had some of it pieced together. Maybe, it’s because I don’t have one bad memory. It felt extremely odd…what if what GD said was true.

     Doubt settled in between the void of my consciousness as I quickly went upstairs and I opened my laptop on my desk before I took a seat in the chair in front of it.

     I navigated to my internet browser and there was great hesitation for me to hit the enter key when I typed the following in the search engine: G Dragon and Taeyeon dating.

     Adrenaline was pumping wildly like a fire through my veins as I was becoming indecisive of searching this. It was the effect afterward that made me scared.

     Finally, the moment I lowered my middle finger to the enter key, I slammed the laptop down and jumped out the chair, pushing it all the way back to the wall when I heard a loud knock at the door.

     Every joint on my body was twitching as my hands and arms were endlessly shaking. I could even hardly feel my face as the heat was rushing in it and I quickly left out the room.

     There’s no way what he said could be true. I mean come on, me dating G Dragon? Does that make even the least amount of sense?

     Finally, I was in front of the door and I raised my voice up to the person constantly knocking. “Give me a minute!”

     I was trying to calm myself down, but this person just wouldn’t give me a chance to. With a couple of deep breaths, I just unlocked and opened the door, forgetting completely to check the security camera, but it was no one other than Manager Kim.

      “Do you know what time it is!? The announcement for the winners on Music Bank is in about thirty minutes already! Let’s go now!” He was raising his voice at me, in which I remembered how he use to be and he grabbed my wrist pulling me out the house.

     I tried quickly slipping on my flats that were at the front door and shut the door behind me, which was an auto lock.

      “M-Manager Kim,” I stumbled over my words just as I was about to stumble on my feet, while he was pulling me to the black van.

      “Less talk, more action,” He said with a snap of his fingers and I sighed with fatigue as I just got inside the van.

     After he got in the passenger’s seat in the front, we were speeding down the streets and I found all of this usual.

     Whatever Jiyong was talking about, I had all the piece for the puzzle of my memory. It’s just slowly getting together. This just must be the effect of drinking.

     I looked outside the window for a moment, seeing the sun setting with sky looking as if it was tie dyed in red, blue and purple.

      “Tonight, all you have to do is go on stage after getting your makeup and dressing down. The results we got three days ago, shows that you were the winner for Music Bank performance according to the digital sales and performance for ‘Madonna’,” He told me from the front seat and I shut my eyes.

     I remember performing and even remember the major parts of me creating Madonna.

      “Taeyeon…Taeyeon…Are you listening to me Taeyeon?” The manager was asking and I came out my inward thoughts.

      “Oh, yes. I’m sorry,” I quickly apologized and continued listening to his instructions all the way there.

     There’s just one thing missing. I don’t know why I created a song named Madonna. The reason was what I was missing, but I couldn’t stay focused on that as I was rushed out the van and into the Music Bank building to be styled.

      “Here is your microphone. We were instructed to give you this one from our set,” A staff member told me as she handed me a diamond studded with pearls made on the microphone.

     I took it and was dazzled by how pretty it looked as I was now dressed in red dress made like a short version of a hanbok and leather wrapped around my waist with heeled boots. My blonde hair danced in waves down my back and I approved of my look, but I was still confused. Why do I feel like this?

      “Taeyeon get near by the stage. The performances from last week will go on after the comeback performances,” I heard another voice say from my dressing room, which was another female staff.

     I nodded my head and followed the other staff member out the room, then to the back stage where I noticed there was an altercation going on between an artist and another staff member.

      “Are you telling me that I can’t get the diamond microphone for my comeback stage when we already requested for it?” A female asked with crossed arms and I walked closer to recognize who it was.

      “I’m sorry, but we already gave it to another artist here,” The female staff was apologizing with a head bow and the woman I recognized to be Ailee looked away with a pissed expression amidst that smile on her ruby lips.

      “Then I suggest you go get it from that artist and give it to me!” She exclaimed with her face’s skin color starting to match her lips.

      “W-We can’t…it was SM who gave us orders,” The female continued speaking in an apologetic voice.

      “So, you are saying you kiss the of SM? Who else do you kiss? YG? JYP? Are you saying they run this damn show?!” She was just louder and people were just watching with horrid expressions

     I looked down at my hand and pieced together what was said.

     Quickly, I went over to them.

      “I’m sorry…you can have it,” I said and felt extremely nervous for doing so, but it felt right nonetheless as I held the microphone up to her.

     Her eyes rolled from the corner of her eyes with evilness at its core and she turned toward me with the click of her heels sounding off as if they wanted to step on me.

      “Ahhhh, I see. What is going on here? You guys kiss Ms. Taeyeon’s because what? Because she is from Girls Generation and behind the label SM? I see Music Bank’s true colors,” Ailee spoke and nodded her head as if she understood what was going on here.

       “If this microphone really means a lot to your comeback stage, then take it,” I told her, wanting to resolve this situation. I mean I know how a special microphone can make you feel on stage. It does wonders.

      There was this unearthing silence as I felt the microphone slip out my hand slowly. I looked up to her eyes looking down at me slyly as she looked at the microphone somewhat pleased, but not content.

       “It’s bad enough that pearls are before swine, but diamonds too?” She said to me and I felt offended greatly, but I didn’t say anything more.

      The moment I turned around, I twisted my neck back around to see her throw the microphone so hard on the floor a pearl had broke off it.

       “What are you doing!?” I exclaimed and let my entire body turn towards her.

      She twisted her lips and looked away with a soft laugh as she walked up to me silently with the flip of her long red coat she wore with a short black jump suit and a high black boot on one foot and I just noticed that her other leg was broke with a cast on it Was she still going to perform with a broken foot!?

      With a deceiving smile, she leaned into my ear and turned her head to look at my face, in which I looked back at her.

       “You know just as my comeback song is…” She began in sly voice and then began singing, in which I rolled my eyes.

       “Don’t worry about me, mind your business and oops I won’t say please,” She finished off with a laugh and walked off with her makeup artists and dressers following her with giggles.

      Quickly, I heard my manager rush by my side as I was drowning in embarrassment at people whispering around me, in which tears suddenly fill my eyes.

       “Taeyeon, are you alright!?” He asked me and my hands were in tight, shaky fists.

      Damn it. Why am I crying? I’m the one who tried to do something nice. I mean, why she had to treat me like this when we have never met before.

       “She messed up her makeup. We are going to have to do it again,” I heard from my makeup artist came over to us as I was wiping away the tears that just coming.

      She pressed her hand to my back for me to follow her on the way out and I complied with it as we turned around, but I would have sworn my tears hit my feet and turned them to ice.

       “J-Jessica,” I called out the name of the woman who was standing there as if she just watched this entire incidence, but regardless of that.

       “When did you get here?” I asked, but I was asking of when she came back to Seoul when all this time she has been studying for her fashion in New York.

      Jessica’s stare was so chilling that even my blood flow of my circulation slowed as she walked up to me while taking a look at the watching idols and staff members.

       “What goes around comes around,” she said in a low tone of voice and that smile which rose on my lips just for a moment fell down instantly.

       Her eyes then stared in the direction beside me as if I was no longer in her world as she looked away with such emptiness and she walked passed me with the cold breeze consuming my body and even my soul.

        “W-What happened to Jessica since she’s been gone?” I asked my manager and looked at him with wide fearful eyes, in which he diverted his gaze from me.

        “I…I can’t explain it to you now Taeyeon,” he said to me and I turned around, looking at Jessica smile at the staff member who was taking her to the dressing rooms.

       Why couldn’t she smile at me like that? Why couldn’t she smile at me like she use to. She promised she would come back for me and yet she just passed right by me. I’m so confused…and hurt.

       Even after getting my makeup redone and receiving a new microphone, I was still stuck in that moment which was trapped between the past and future from the way she looked at me, the words she said to me and the way she came and left.

        “What comes around goes back around?” I whispered the words she told me as I was looking in the mirror at my pathetic self.

       Is she pertaining to what Ailee did to me…what did I do to her?

       Suddenly as if the TV was in my mind and it was projected on the mirror, I saw myself throwing her gift she gave to me on the ground, just as Ailee did to the microphone I gave to her.

       A gasp so sharp cut my throat from the inside and I covered my mouth as if blood would come out, but my eyes were just stretched as I looked at my own self scared.

       It must be true. No, it can’t be true.

        “Time to go on stage,” Manager Kim told me upon his entry in the room, but I couldn’t move as I was just shaking in dread at the reflection of the mirror.

        “Taeyeon…what’s wrong?” He asked me and placed his hand on my shoulder, in which I jumped on my feet instantly.

        “I have to say sorry,” I quickly said and I only thought of Jessica as I ran out the room, in which I saw her going on the stage and I followed, forgetting the plain microphone on the dressing room.

       The stage was already filled with many Idols and groups on the stage as the hosts were in the front where I saw Jessica was. How did she get over there so fast?

       There was a big screen from across the stage which showed the top three highest votes for the episode of Music Bank last week and I took notice that was me, Jessica and Exo. When I had managed to get to the front of the stage the winner was announced with confetti shooting from the stage.

        “Jessica’s Eternity is the winner!” The hosts said loudly with fans screaming below, but I wasn’t conscious of what anything what was going on. I just had to fix this and I reached my hand up, grabbing Jessica’s microphone that she was about to rise up to her lips.

        “I’m sorry Jessica,” I cried out in the microphone and she looked at me as if I was crazy.

        “I’m really sorry Jessica,” I said again and loosened my grip on the microphone as she pulled away with a soft smile, while the hosts were confused on what was going on.

        “What are you doing?” I heard someone whisper next to me and I looked away sadly from Jessica to a face that made me turn and run madly, in which he followed me.

       When I got in the corner of the back stage, he came for me and I just bowed my head, giving in.

        “I’m sorry to you Baekhyun also. I’ve been so bad recently. I don’t know why, but I’m sorry,” I quickly said my apologies to him and didn’t bother look at him, but at his black shoes that I should be kissing for forgiveness.

        “What are you sorry for? Ha, sleeping with GD?” He asked and my head shot right up. He knows!

        “H-How did you know?”I asked and turned my head to the side, ashamed, but wanting to hear his answer at the same time.

        “Are you really asking, because you don’t know?” He asked me and I shook my head while biting on my bottom lip.

       Is he going to yell at me now or say he wants to break up with me? He is definitely the type of person to do that, but it seemed that I was wrong.

        “I’ve already forgiven you for that Taeyeon,” He spoke to me in such a relaxed tone of voice and I slowly looked up at him as if I had seen God for the first time.

        “F-Forgiven…so that means you aren’t going to break up with me?” I asked him with hope written all over my face and his eyes widened in surprise, but we were suddenly interrupted with my manager’s fussing voice.

        “What the hell were you thinking to snatch the microphone from Jessica!? And, why were you even apologizing in the first place?! Have you gone mad!?” My manager was roaring at me and I bowed my head as tears were running over the border my eyes like fugitive slaves running for escape.

        “I’m sorry,” was all I could say and then we suddenly heard the screams of the fans get louder as the idols were leaving the stage and my eyes were searching for Jessica.

       I quickly ran around Baekhyun and Manager Kim to walk through the Idols who were looking at me weirdly, but I couldn’t care about how anyone looked at me but her. She was the one that mattered.

       Finally, I saw her trying to leave quickly and I would have sworn I saw her wiping a tear away as she was holding the trophy she won from the Music Bank.

        “Jessica! Jessica! Jessica!” I was shouting her name as if I was one of her fans while she was rushing with her staff to the van in the private parking lot.

        “Stop it!” She screamed and she slowly turned around, looking at me while her hand was wringing the crystal like trophy by the neck.

       My lips were already quivering as I stopped in my steps and she turned around completely to only come to me, while I looked to the right seeing a group of paparazzi running to us suddenly, but it seemed both of us didn’t care.

        “Are you angry because you didn’t win? Well guess what, the game has only begun Taeyeon. Guard your seat well for Girls Generation throne because I’m taking it and when I take it, I’m kicking you out just like you did me. Karma is only beginning to flap her wings now, but soon she’ll take flight,” She said to me and turned around with wrathful eyes while I just stood here with my soul murdered.

     The moment her back was to me, I remembered being in a position like this before when she turned away from me. Flashes of the camera were blinding my eyesight, but I preferred this than to see her leave.

     My name was being called in multiple directions and I finally decide to try to look at one when someone grabbed my arm, but their face was hidden as they shoved a blade deep in the depths of my gut to the point blood already spurt out my mouth.

     This pain was nothing to what I previously just felt. If anything killing my soulless body would be better for me and maybe for her too. I don’t know what I did, but can’t I be forgiven Jessica? That’s all I want, but I guess it’s too late. Was I always this late?

***

     Life was giving me a second chance as I opened my eyes and I realized it wasn’t even a second chance. I’ve been here in this hospital bed before just like this as I looked at the ceiling, except my wrists were bandaged from slitting them and an oxygen mask on my face. Where did this memory come from?

     Even then, life was hard, so hard, but now it wasn’t just hard, but excruciating.

     There was the sound of something sliding and I turned my head to see the hospital door open for a nurse wearing red scrubs come in.

      “Don’t bother to sit up. You won’t be able due to the wound you received,” The nurse told me, but I didn’t even have the will to do so as I looked up at her face with tears already seeping down my own.

      “I’m so sorry to see you in this state Ms. Kim, but maybe this news will make you feel better,” She told me and I just listened.

      “Although you lost a lot of blood and your vital signs seemed kind of shaky last night, we were able to keep the fetus of your child inside of you alive. I’m not sure if you were aware or not, but you have been pregnant for nine weeks Ms. Kim. Congratulations,” She said to me as if I should happy, but no one would know how distant I suddenly felt from life itself.

     I was shocked. I was scared. I was ashamed. I was looking for a way to escape, but I was a prisoner to my own insanity.

     The world had never felt so cold till this very moment and I was all on my own.