Even if it seemed there were arrows being released or even bullets piercing the air towards us in slow motion, we were happy being foolish and because of that foolish love we were able to pause time completely, pausing all the life threatening moments around us to realize it was just us two.

     We were in our own universe and this temporary escape made life tolerable and even valuable.

     I may look like a complete mess this morning with wild golden hair and smudged eyeliner looking as if it wanted to cry itself after being ruined in such a creative matter from last night’s activities, but things are never what they look like. They never are.

     With eyes wide open, I stared into Jiyong’s calm ones and I never felt at so much peace before in my life. Even the sheets that covered our bodies were in a warm harmony with our synchronized heart beats that found tranquility from the calamity of last night events.

      “Good morning,” Jiyong had whispered to me and my eyelashes fluttered like a butterfly taking flight for the first time.

     In the process of constructing my mind to reply back to him, the memories of eyes rolling in the back of heads and needles being pushed in veins deeply returned.

     Shock flooded my heart and I took in a deep, sharp breath, stabbing my conscious with tremendous guilt.

     My hand pressed against my chest, holding the sheet over my s as I quickly looked over at his bedside table, seeing that same big silver spoon from last night, but it was empty and so was the needle that was there.

     I had seen a pile of a white substance that could have only be heroin…or even before, but was snorted, right? All of that was nowhere in sight and could only be in our body systems.

     A-Am I what they call an addict now?

     All those things I’ve been warned in my life from tragic stories about the downfalls of celebrities and loved ones overflowed my mind and I began just shaking, from the thought of my life changing for the worst.

     Jiyong quickly sat up and placed the palm of his hands over my thighs, squeezing them lightly through them sheets.

      “B-Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked me with panic growing in his voice earnestly and when my eyes ripped off the needle, I stared at him sharper than any tip of one.

      “Why did you do that?” I asked in disbelief and felt my face suddenly becoming enriched in the fiery heat of pure wrath.

      “D-Do what baby?” He asked me as if he was completely clueless and I brought my free hand, ripping his hands off my thighs.

      “Y-You don’t remember?! You ing scared me by dragging me all the way here and suddenly pushed needles in my arms…I was so scared, but then…I loved it,” I confessed to him as I remembered the euphoria that wrapped me in its arms and rocked me in its arms like a baby.

     That night I really became someone different by becoming so vulnerable as me and Jiyong kissed, touching and even ed in a way that seemed to last forever without a single till the very end. We were floating in the universe as he choked me endlessly. I even found myself wanting to be choked to death while he did that to me…I didn’t mind dying in that very moment.

      “You mean this baby? It’s just heroin. You know like that weed we did before. It’s a good drug,” Jiyong quickly said and picked up the needle, trying to understand where I was coming from.

      “A good drug? So…I won’t be an addict?” I asked him softly as I found a small relief from his words, but my head was still wondering around stories that centered on over dose and addiction.

      B-But, if that was so, wouldn’t I feel something wrong with me like dizziness? I felt good and if anything more at peace.

       “No, you won’t be an addict. If anything it’s better than weed. You simply feel good and use it whenever you want to or not,” He told me and placed it down, before he scooted close to me, taking me in his arms carefully as if I would break easily.

       “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I rested my head in his chest, feeling safe, completely safe there.

So the reason he was like that was because of me then. I see now how much he needs me and that only comes from sincere love.

     “No, I’m sorry. I just lost my mind…It won’t happen again,” He began making sugar coated promises to me and I ate them like candy themselves, letting them digest completely in my heart rather.

     Jiyong later took the pleasure to drive me to my scheduled radio show that I had to do as TTS and that meant I would have to see Tiffany.

     Just the thought of her was five pounds gained in my head and I felt extremely tired to drag on that quickly gained weight.

     My eyes looked out at the distant skies that were like painted blue walls without a single cloud in them so I could rest my worries on it as if it was a chair.

“…Can you really let go of three years for a new relationship. He is just someone next…he isn’t the person you fell in love with just like I fell in love with you…he is just someone next…”

     Your theory does make sense Baekhyun. It makes complete sense, but that doesn’t make it correct in every angle.

     Simply because of that, that is what makes it a theory and the perfect example to oppose against that was this person right next to me.

     My eyes escaped the sky and I turned looking at the face of a person that had weeded his way right inside my heart that I thought I had closed out others tightly.

     Our relationship was three years Baekhyun, a measly three years compared to the decade that Jiyong had spent with his past lover.

     “You made me love you. You are more than a split between that relationship, but a crack. Now, I’m expecting you to piece your broken heart with mines…make it fit if you must.”

 “I don’t want to lie to you. I don’t want to trick you. I just want to love you. I’m just telling you all of this about Kiko, because it confuses the out of my mind. It’s like saying one plus one equals zero when it’s obviously two. But, now me and Kiko are exactly zero. We’ve broken up several times because of incidents like this I had with you, but it’s changed because you made me like you.” 

 “Now answer me. Do you believe in me? Do you trust me?”

“I love you too.”

     For once I’m grateful that we truly did break up Baekhyun. I’m glad that I did cheat on you. I’m glad that Jiyong black mailed me and I may sound crazy…but, I am crazy in love.

     For Right now that boldness that I’ve been carrying around had fallen somewhere, making me feeble to love and only he could do that to me.

     All of this really seems like some type of dream…but if this was a dream, it was the realest dream I ever had, because the possibility of this happening in real life was beyond one hundred percent.

      “Have you fallen for me again?” Jiyong had asked me when he had noticed I was just staring at him and yet I didn’t notice that he already stopped in front of my destination.

     “A million times,” I replied back and gave him a love struck smile as we were just looking in each other’s eyes, seeing beyond what appeals to the eye, but deep within ourselves.

     It had seemed as that my reply was just beyond intellectual reasoning so he let his lips lock against mines to hush me completely with his tongue slipping past my lips, reminding me of who now owned this mouth.

     When he withdrew, he then sat back in the driver’s seat and looked out the window, reminding me of my appointment at the radio place, but I just wanted to fully empty out this cup of worries before I go.

     I had feeling that it would refill again, but he would always empty out for me. He has proven himself to do so.

      “Yesterday…Baekhyun told me that you were just someone next and not someone I was meant to fall in love with,” I had begun and his eyebrows jumped up in surprise, but nodded, showing he was listening to me.

     With a sigh of relief, I was glad he wasn’t showing that angry side of him like last night. I could be open with him at least. That was always something that I needed in a relationship, which was communication.

      “That thought has been on my mind for the longest and I don’t want to think that you are someone like that,” I had begun, but he cut in quickly, almost correcting me.

      “I am someone next. There’s nothing bad about that. He just tried to make it sound like it,” He told me openly and I looked down at my hands, that I was holding together almost nervously.

       “Oh, it isn’t?” I questioned with embarrassment ripening on my cheeks and he placed his hand on top of mines, in which I noticed his smiley face tattoo on the corner, which made me smile.

      “Why should it? If I’m the next then I can be the last too,” he spoke common sense and I looked up into his eyes that were filled with reassurance.

       “L-Last?” I questioned and just the thought made me woozy. I can only imagine what I would be like on my feet and he gave my hand a nice, warm squeeze before he withdrew it to his lap.

       “Mentioning last…aren’t you pushing your last minutes for your radio broadcast?” He asked me, pushing me back in the ocean of reality and I looked over at the clock in his car from the radio, seeing I was literally a minute before it was time to start the radio show.

        “Crap,” I muttered loudly and looked over at Jiyong was waving at me nicely with a cute smile.

        “I’ll pick you up when it’s over, which will be the time for T.C,” He told me and I bowed at him in response as I quickly got out the car, dashing into the radio shows building.

       When I was in the elevator, I had been reminded that I didn’t have my phone with me as I was patting my pants pockets, which were some more of Jiyong’s fashion line clothes he gave to me to wear like before.

       My phone still had to be in the van, since I was basically kidnapped out of the blue.

       I wonder if my manager was worried or did Jiyong probably call him letting him know of my whereabouts?

       Before, the doors had opened for me to dash off to the radio room; I was thinking about what Jiyong told me.

       Even though he was the next person to come into my heart, he could be the last and honestly to myself, I pledged to not let anyone else in…so Jiyong would be my last.

        “You make me want to live the right way all of sudden and I want you to be a part of it.”

I’m not a person to put all my hopes in the future, but this time…I actually feel overly anxious.

       I hope it doesn’t go in vain and I truly believe it won’t. There’s just this feeling and then there’s this other feeling that the evils of this world will try to trample that feeling.

       Escaping that elevator, I quickly came into the radio room, where I saw the main female radio host sitting in the front of the room at a table with her full face and short black hair.

       She pointed at the spot next to Tiffany quickly, since I assumed they just started and I quickly took my spot next to Tiffany.

       In the process, I saw that there were papers in front of us, which would lead us through the radio show since it was a script of questions, breaks and other things included in this radio show. There were also microphones for us to speak in.

       My eyes then saw something black come in my view and I saw a feminine hand holding out a pair of hand phones out to me as a TTS’s Twinkle song was playing for the beginning of the broadcast.

       After raising my eyes up from the headphones, I saw Tiffany looking at me with a shy smile and I suddenly withdrew my hand that reached for it, but I had to remember cameras were in here too.

       I had saw it at the opposite side of the room as I was coming in and because of that I gave her a thankful smile, before I took them, placing them on my ear.

        “Well, it is a lovely Wednesday here at one o’clock this evening and we here to feed our listeners with the voices of the TTS sub unit of Girls Generation,” The female host had begun in her soothing voice, that I myself wanted to fall asleep to, but of course I stayed up to participate in this radio show.

        Just like many other shows, the basics were scripted and we answered honestly to questions, giving our view points on certain concepts and out looks. To me it was like going to trivia game almost and was better than performing on stage to a certain degree since I didn’t have to use any physical energy or duration to do so.

        And, of course the following questions had to come up eventually.

         “So, Taeyeon…Everyone knows you are dating G-Dragon, yes the well known fashionista and king of K-Pop G-Dragon. Do you mind telling us how you two started?” The friendly host had asked evilly on the sly and I suddenly saw her as not so friendly.

        My smile had dropped and I gave a small grin for a change as I looked around, thinking on how I should answer this.

        With an inhale and exhale, I picked up a pen that was nearby and began clicking it.

      “Well…”I started off and then looked up at the host as she was looking at me with a cheeky grin. Of course she knew of our first one night stand scandal and I’m sure everyone wanted to hear that from my own lips. Should I give them what they want?

      “Actually our relationship didn’t start at the time everyone thought it did,” I started off and I know I was now adding gas to fuel now. Why was I doing this?

      “Well I’m not sure who is this everyone applies to, but please enlighten us,” She said and gave a soft chuckle at the end.

     With another forced exhale, I dropped the pen down on the table and held my hands together on top of the table as I looked at her, speaking clearly in the microphone.

      “Everyone believes what they see in the news and agency statements, but they never know what happens behind the scenes. Can’t relationships be broken up without other people knowing and can’t newer ones rekindle again?” I said and I definitely surpassed adding fuel to the flame. I was now dropping an atomic bomb on everyone’s heads.

     “Well that is indeed true…but you speak of rekindle? Are you stating that you use to date or even see G-Dragon before?” She asked me and a cunning smile crept on my lips as I looked down.

      “I’ll just say when we were younger…much younger. He told me it was destiny,” I said and she sounded clearly astonished.

     There was no doubt, this will be reaching the number one spot in the headlines. At least I can see Jessica get off of it for once. I did this for you fool.

     Don’t go getting in anymore trouble and walk out that damn police station already. It’s already the second day.

      “That is so sweet. There’s also another question our listeners have asked and it is concerning Jessica who has just returned to SNSD since last month. We understand that she had been arrested-“

      “You mean detained?” I corrected her and I literally wanted to slap myself for that, but regardless I felt justified.

      “Oh, Jessica has been detained rather than arrested? I see that many news sites have gotten this wrong. Well since Jessica has been detained, we have seen that you are in the lead for this battle SM has with you and Jessica for leader of SNSD. How do you feel about this?” She asked me and I nodded with my face showing the stress washing down on my face.

     “I feel it’s unfair,” I breathed this out honestly.

       “Oh? Unfair? Why do you say that?” She asked me and I cleared my throat before replying.

       “Right now, it’s unfair, because Jessica can’t even battle with me properly. As a member of SNSD and even the leader, I feel if Jessica is able to win against me, she should be fighting me head to head, but that’s not the case now,” I told her and she nodded her head in agreement.

       “I can understand that completely. Regardless of that, this does give you a step ahead of her and you can keep your SNSD throne,” She told me and I didn’t make any more comments as I remembered the tears filling her eyes before she left that stage. She should have done that stage…it would have probably been her last.

      Even though I was asked questions regarding my love life, Tiffany wasn’t asked anything regarding Nichkhun. I suppose that was because they broke up and that was the end of their love story, if it was ever one to begin with.

      When the radio show was over in an hour and half, I was walking down the hallway after giving my thanks to the radio hosts and staff.

       “Taeyeon,” I heard my name called out and I already predicted this happening as I was pressing on the button for the elevator.

      With my eyes closing for a moment, I opened them and turned around seeing Tiffany holding my purse out to me.

       “Our manager said you left this in the van last night. He told me to give it to you when I saw you here,” She told me with her voice drowning in sorrow.

       “Oh…thanks,” I muttered dryly and reached my hand out, taking my white purse. I placed the strap on my shoulder and turned back at the elevator door.

      If Baekhyun wasn’t really lying to me yesterday…then them two really didn’t sleep with each other. I…feel better.

       “Taeyeon…We really didn’t do anything,” I heard her whisper at the same time the elevator door had opened and I walked in nonchalantly. Well, he still saw your really.

       “Get in,” I said in defeat and her eyes rose from the floor with happiness glowing on her face like a little puppy.

      Maybe this was always what I liked about Tiffany. She was always sincere, honest and even bold at times.

      I’m sorry for not trusting in you. I guess this was what Baekhyun was feeling like after knowing everything, but in his case worst.

       “T-Taeyeon,” She began and I found myself getting annoyed as we were being lowered to the bottom floor.

       “Yeah…I know. You two didn’t sleep with each other. Baekhyun told me everything…and I’m so sorry,” I said to her, struggling to admit this to her, simply because I was wrong. And, trust me it was killing me.

       “No, I’m sorry. Baekhyun had just popped up at my house suddenly, wanting to practice our drama script and then I started confessing my broken heart to him over some drinks…then…then…” She was contemplating horribly and I stopped her, by placing my hand on her shoulder.

       “Enough. We’ve all had enough. I’ve moved on anyway. Baekhyun is old news to me and Nichkhun should be too,” I told her and then pulled her out the elevator, by her arm when the door opened.

        “I’m still so sorry,” She was burying me with her apologies and I drew out my white flag of defeat before I would RIP.

        “Apology accepted. Now stop thinking on it and don’t even drink on it,” I told her and gave her a chortle while I patted the top of her shoulder.

       In this moment that I was starting to feel better that me and Tiffany finally made amends, but I felt worse because I couldn’t even do this with her.

       Tiffany was easier since she always catered to me, being submissive at most times, but me and Jessica were different and yet alike.

       We use to be like soil and water that thrived together, but we were now oil and water. Still in this very moment, she still has a front seat in my conscious.

       It was still like that even when she was gone. To be honest with myself, Jessica never left and because of that I’m angrier. I want to get rid of her. I want to forget her. I want to move on, but I just can’t leave dock without her. That is what gets me.

       Just as planned Jiyong had picked me up on time and he asked me if I wanted to get something eat, before we went to record for The Collaboration, but I couldn’t even bring my mouth to water for food.

       Was that girl eating? What type of food were they giving her? She always was greedy as a pig and hardly gained weight nonetheless.

       What would she be like if she wasn’t eating…Why am I worrying about that person that caused my life to be like that a long time ago? She talks about herself being a leader, but does she even know what it takes to get to this spot? I sacrificed that for her.

       Even if she became the leader today, she would never be able to lead SNSD like I’ve done, because she would never go through what I had to do then. She wonders why I asked her to sleep with that famous American producer a long time ago. I did it because SM wanted me to and I she reacted the way I thought she would. You damn fool. There is always much more to story…so much more.

***

        “So, what do you guys think of my drawings?” Baekhyun asked me and Jiyong as we sat at a table by the window in the YG’s art room at three o’clock, which would give the art team individual projects be worked on at four.

        “Uhm…you still can’t draw I see,” I confessed as my eyebrows was raised up in complete disgust at his stick figured like drawing.

       When I had said that I had realized I confessed something I would only know when we were dating, but it would look good for the show. Don’t go cray cray on me Jiyong. We don’t need to get our Cray-On.

       Making sure of the situation, I peeked over at Jiyong who showed a calm composure, while he was flipping the pages of Baekhyun’s fashion ‘portfolio’.

       When I tried teaching Baekhyun how to draw while we were dating, he would never listen to me and brag about how well he could draw anyway.

       His ex-Exo member Kris was just like that and I use to wonder how a few Exo members influenced on the entire group.

       They were all really idiots except for Kyungsoo and Kai. All the rest of them were retards really, but nonetheless funny and entertaining. I enjoyed it when I would go over to their dorm in old times.

        “You are very creative,” Jiyong complimented him and I was clearly surprised as I raised my head up more, seeing Baekhyun’s eyes light up.

        “Omo, really Hyung!?” He exclaimed and I knew he was just pulling his leg.

        “Yes, you are very creative, but you are lacking drawing skills,” Jiyong rained on his parade instantly and Baekhyun’s shoulders slumped down with a cute puppy like pout.

       Baekhyun usually act cute like that and then bold at times. This is another reason why I liked him. He was submissive at times and then dominant…kind of like Jiyong, but Jiyong was more confusing.

       It seems like when Jiyong is weak, he needs someone strong. When he is strong…well he just makes me weak be it mentally or even physically. End of story.

        “O-Oh…then can you help me improve my drawing skills?” Baekhyun asked and Jiyong shut his folder and slid it over to me, in which I blinked.

        “Nope. Taeyeon will do that as the artist of our team,” Jiyong breathed out as if he was ready to move on to the next thing and gave Baekhyun a big smile.

       Yah! Why are you making me teach him!? Don’t you know he is trying to seduce me again!

        “Now that we have seen what we all can do and perfect, we need to discuss the models that we are assigned and chosen for the SS Infinity line solely since the one for our agencies will only be using the idols from our agencies,” Jiyong was getting down to business and leaned over the table, picking up one of the bottles of water that were there for us.

         “As a group we will have to come up with at least six pieces together. The models that I have are Dara, Kai and Min Hyorin,” Jiyong said and I just simply nodded in agreement.

        It’s not like I could disagree since I was just the artist that would help in the design and main piece of art to be inspired from this fashion.

      “Oh, nice selection. Do you know about the bloodline yet?” Baekhyun asked and I was completly confused and Jiyong frowned slightly. I bet he was missing those sunglasses about now.

     He then laughed it off and looked toward the camera, then back at Baekhyun. He must want that part to be cut out.

      “You aren’t supposed to talk about that yet. Did Jessica tell you since she was your mentor?” Jiyong asked and my heart pained at the sound of her name.

     “Oh, I’m sorry! And by the way, she is still my mentor,” Baekhyun corrected him and Jiyong just nodded unsure of where to take this. I suppose this ‘bloodline’ had something to do with this collaboration.

     “Now, who have you chosen from the YG & SM? I have two females and one male. I hope we can have the genders of our models balanced out evenly,” Jiyong continued and Baekhyun then waved his index finger as if he wasn’t going to tell him.

      “Oh, you are going to have to see them for yourselves. They are waiting on the rooftop,” Baekhyun said as if he was excited himself and stood up, in which we looked up at him as if he was crazy.

      “Rooftop?” Jiyong asked again and crossed his arms with curiosity being etched on that wild smile upon his lips. Was he really growing to like Baekhyun now?

     Well even for my own self, I wasn’t feeling so much hate for Baekhyun. I mean how much worse could he get?

     Biting onto Baekhyun’s bait, we followed him into the elevator which took a long time to get to the top in the process.

     The cameramen didn’t come with us inside, so I suppose we would be seen through the elevator’s camera and then someone had to be waiting at the top then.

     Yes, it is extremely important to take note of every camera wherever you are. The camera is not your best friend, but your enemy. Just one mistake could be the end of you.

     We were all quietly inside as Baekhyun was just looking around in the silver elevator and glancing over at us with a soft smile.

      “Do you guys want to go eat something after this?” He asked us and we both just shook our head at the same time.

      “I can’t. I have a recording to do with Big Bang,” Jiyong gave an excuse and Baekhyun looked over at me, but there was something devious in his eyes.

     It was that playful smile and innocent looking eyes…that told me he was not so innocent and about to literally us up the . I know Baekhyun like the back of my hand, which is quite plain itself by the way.

      “Oh, that’s fine. We have some drinks and snacks up here, so maybe we can get full of that instead,” Baekhyun spoke politely and then turned around, placing his hands inside his pocket, while he played with his feet to make time go by faster.

     I smell it…I sense and I even feel it. It was that feeling I told you about before, that feeling that something or someone was going to trample over sudden happiness.

      “Showtime Baby!” Baekhyun exclaimed as if he was going on stage and the elevator doors opened, with the sun’s glorious rays shining down like a spot light and the sound of hands clapping along with music.

      My head tilted I response as my eyes caught the dressed up roof top with geometric shapes that shined like disco balls and golden mannequins, along with a mini stage in front of another area where elevators could come up also.

      The music was coming from the speakers next to the stage and I happened to notice Krystal there, throwing a silver microphone at Baekhyun, in which he caught in time to sing Bruno Mar’s song, uptown funk.

“This here is the ice gold for that white gold”

      Wow, I guess he really is full of surprises. I’m sure the producers of the show were in love with Baekhyun and his ideas.

      We have designing to do after all, but then we again we had an entire month…a damn month and even more with each other. So, we had to entertain the viewers to best of our capabilities.

      But…wait, don’t tell me Krystal is going to be used as one of our models? I refuse to have her around us every freaking day! It’s already enough that she is on the same show.

      Together they got on the stage and I literally almost jumped out of my clothes when someone came next to my side and it happened to be Leeteuk, singing along with the chorus of the song.

What is this catastrophe!? My ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend’s sister and enemy will be working with me!?

      Leeteuk held his hand out for me as he was dancing along with the upbeat song that happened to be one of my favorites to sit a see through table there.

      With a big smile that I thought would rip into my cheeks, I sat at the table and glanced at Jiyong who was bobbing his head along at the performance. Does he not notice the problem here or is he still playing along, because this certainly wasn’t acting. If it was acting, I would know everything beforehand since things should go by a script!

I take back what I said before. Reality shows aren’t entirely scripted, they have their perks and damn surprises too.

      I suppose the fashionable relativity that this has to do with any of this, it showed them wearing outstanding clothing and flaunted their cat walks basically.

      Since Baekhyun had to have three models and balance out with Jiyong’s own, he had a third male and it was Donghae, Jessica’s ex boyfriend. Well, I really had nothing to do with him, so this didn’t get too bad.

      I’ve always ate my words before and I ate them raw of course. Well, what I ate this time was disgusting and should have not been edible, because I was eating the delusional consciousness from the depths of my brain when the extra elevator opened by the stage.

      The devil sure does know how to surprise you and when he arrives he always wears the color that steals the entire show, simply because this was his world. She indeed made it so when she was wearing a red dress once more with a diamond microphone gleaming in her hand and raised it to her lips, singing the last chorus which repeated the same words, ‘uptown funk you up’.

      My entire face fell into the gutter and I couldn’t hide the untamable wrath that was flushing through my veins.

       “Kiko,” I heard someone whisper this and I looked instantaneously at Jiyong who looked as if he had been hit by lightning.

      So, he was still affected by her? Why was she here? No- there’s not any point in asking. It’s obvious why and I looked toward the stage, seeing and hearing the song ended while Kiko stood there looking down at Jiyong with big doll eyes as she held the microphone to her waist with poise.

       “We all came to uptown funk and we shall now introduce Baekhyun’s models,” Krystal said in the microphone and Baekhyun came into the middle of the stage, replacing Krystal who gave me a cheeky smile.

      There was no doubt those two were in it together.

       “Mizuhara Kiko!” Baehkyun exclaimed and pointed down the red carpet that was rolled out, in which she processed down from the mini stage with a hand on her hip as her black hair flowed backwards along with the wind, flailing her revealed white shoulders.

      Her feet stepped in front of one another a single step at a time as her stare was strong and blazing like fire, but innocent and soft like kittens own.

      She fit the fierce type of model perfectly and I was fighting my own self to fist my hands up under this see through table. God damn this table!

       “Hello,” She spoke with sensuality leaking from her voice and crossed one leg over with a hand on her hip, giving a models pose.

       That hello was especially for Jiyong and I could see from the corner of my eye that he was putting on some sunglasses with shaky hands to hide. He was trying to hide his feelings for her?  I wonder what I am to him in this moment right now. Do I even exist anymore?

       Was he going to look at her for the rest of the show now thinking no one would think he was!? Well, I knew he was staring at her like mad and she ing knew it as she softly chuckled.

       My mind had blocked out any of the other models being introduced, but it was clear that Krystal wasn’t one when we were all seated around the table with some snacks and lemonade as the breeze was perfect on the roof top.

      “So, how do you like my models?” Baekhyun had asked and I was just holding my hands. I was holding them back so they wouldn’t slap him and that damn staring at my man! I guess she has nothing fear by fans since she is just some damn model and fill in actress.

      “I-I like them,” Jiyong manage to say and lifted his hand up to pick up the glass of lemonade that happened to be poured by Krystal.

     “I like you too,” that wench whispered slyly since she was sitting next to him and I screamed instantly when my lap was suddenly slapped by the cold lemonade that spilled out the fallen glass by Jiyong.

     My breathing increased as if I just finished running ten miles and I did inside my head. I just happened to break the banner of first place in my race of anger. Do I get a trophy now?

     Everyone eyes were opened wide and hands held out towards me as if they would have some type of reversal power to undo all this. Well this ing reality, so everyone put their damn hands back.

      “Oh, I’m sorry!” Jiyong apologized quickly as he stood up and looked around on the table for some napkins, which was already taken by someone else.

      “Here, let me clean this up,” a polite voice told me and I snatched those white napkins from her hand as I looked up at Kiko’s face when she got up and came over to my opposite side.

      “Shouldn’t the doer clean it up?” I asked her and she just gasped, trying to make herself look innocent while she handed the napkins to Jiyong.

     She may look fragile, but I can see through these types of women. I see perfectly through everyone here and even past those ing sunglasses of the person dabbing the big wet spot on my jeans,, well technically his jeans, but my leg!

      “You know what…forget it. I’ll just go change,” I breathed out in a tiresome sigh and moved Jiyong’s hands away while I stood up completely pissed, but I was biting my bottom lip to keep it all in.

      Taeyeon you can do it. Don’t let the mask slip just yet. I kept telling myself this and gave an awkward smile to everyone before I quickly walked over to the elevator, pressing the button.

      I placed my hand on my bare forehead with a rough exhale and turned around, waving at Baekhyun who was standing up to let them know I was alright.

      He had then yelled at me, “You sure!? You can have my pants if you want!” You dumb .

       “No way,” Krystal got on to him for his stupidity and stood up from the table, raising her hand at me.

       “Ignore him. Do you want me to come with you!?” She asked me and I knew she didn’t mean that at all…or did she?

      For a moment, I contemplated on if I should let her come so I could finally talk to her face to face, woman to woman.

      Before I could even make a final decision for myself, someone else took it of their own accords to come over next to me.

       “I’ll go with you. I have some spare clothes in my car if you need them,” Kiko said to me in a soft voice that I really just wanted to set on fire and who the has a name like Kiko?

      Sounds like some ty dog name.

       “O-Oh sure,” I muttered and I suddenly wanted to give my own self a ing Grammy as the best ing actress of the Asian Hallyu or entire world! I deserved it.

       “No, let me go with you instead. I did this mess,” Jiyong butted in right after her and he came to my opposite side, looking forward, but almost toward me, but I couldn’t really tell to those sunglasses.

      I was just really confused on the situation as I was looking from left to right, but just was defeated in a sigh while I looked down.

      Can’t all these cameras just be thrown off the building, so I can throw this wench off next?

      But, I would have to blindfold everyone here first, so they wouldn’t know I did this.

      Aish, I feel complete sorrow and even give deep respect for murderers who skillfully map out their murders.

       “Whatever,” I just sighed and the elevator had opened sooner than I thought I would.

      It seemed everyone else at the table had returned to their seats, continuing whatever Baekhyun and Krystal had in stored. I’m going to have to talk to those two sometime soon…really soon.

      With the door shut in the elevator and us three standing in each corner, you think that this was silence, but this was a raging war in our minds with atomic bombs exploding all over the place.

      For a moment I would even think we had telepathy with each glance of the eye, in our breath and releasing invisible flames.

      Our feet were indeed in the boiling pot of Satan’s Hell, because I was burning up like crazy and I knew these two were as well.

      But, I was the main one suffering because the way I was positioned in the elevator, I could see slightly through the corner of Jiyong’s sunglasses and the black of his eyes shined toward her direction with tremendous intensity.

       “So, how long has the show been going on?” Kiko had thought to break the ice, but the ice was already the broken the moment she appeared before us. I was ready to set tsunami storms her way, sending her back to her island country and to never ever ing comeback.

      I was ready for war with the bloodshed and tears, because I knew they were coming.

       “Not long,” I said casually and crossed my arms as I leaned my back against the elevator and looked up to see us going down to the floor that I chose to go, which was the locker room.

      I had already set up my personal locker room with clothes and other things before hand since I was told all team members would need one for the unexpected.

       “Oh, I see,” She whispered, seeing I wasn’t about to kiss up to her just because of some damn cameras. It would look fake anyway and it was only natural to act like this. If I end up getting more haters from this or even if the previous haters return, I just don’t give a damn.

      That ‘silence’ remained till we got off in the hallway that would lead us to the locker room, which was made quite different from in SM.

      In SM we would have it where the females locker room were on one side of the hall and the other the males of course.

      But, here in YG, they had it where you go through one door and it was like a relaxing lobby setting that remained camera-free and then you had two separate doors to enter the females and male then.

      I suppose it’s like this so they can meet up since they are considered to be a family.

       “Oh, you need me to go get the clothes?” Kiko asked me when we got into the locker’s lobby section and I let that mask slip as soon as I knew this was no-camera zone.

       “I don’t need your clothes and won’t ever will,” I simply muttered and felt myself becoming cold like the chilling air breezing through the vents in here.

       “Why did you even come?” I snapped at Jiyong who was now taking a seat in the red leather chair in the lobby, but he just looked away as if he was ashamed.

      With a sigh longer than any highway could ever take me, my feet headed me into the locker room, but Kiko followed me inside.

       “You can stop pretending,” I spoke in a princess like voice that was slightly high pitched to get my point across as I let my attitude be revealed when I slammed my hand on my locker, which just had to be number 900.

      It’s the number nine that gets to me every time. You should know why.

     “Since when are good acts pretended?” She asked me back as soon as I opened my silver locker and I instantly became tense from her smart and yet snappy come back.

     The grip on the locket door by my hand was extremely tightened and the blood rushing through my fingertips was more proof than enough to show that she hit a nerve.

      “Well, aren’t you the actress here?” I asked back and proceeded to opening my black gym bag by the zipper calmly, where I packed some spare clothes that were also new.

     After making sure it was there, I grabbed it by the straps and snatched it steadily, before slamming the locker door shut.

     With a deep inhale, I turned around to be faced with honey colored eyes as she stood in front of me, almost looking down at me due to her model like height, but she wore heels as well. If only I wore heels today.

      “I didn’t come here as an actress,” She said in a voice suddenly turning dark and even almost creepy, but it didn’t faze me one bit.

      “To be honest with you, I don’t give a damn,” I spoke nicely and let a smile creep up on my lips and vanish immediately like a ghost itself.

     With a dull look, I went over to the benches, slamming once more the bag on the silver metal bench.

      Poor bag, I know you don’t deserve it and that this wench does. I know. I understand.

     If talking to my bag inside my head doesn’t confirm that I’m crazy. I don’t know what would.

      “To be honest with you also…” She began in weary little girl’s voice and my hands there was ing my jeans, suddenly halted.

      “I do give a damn,” She finished her sentence and she completely used my own words against me.

     It was almost she wielded my own sword against me, but she missed the fatal spot!

     With a huff surpassing my lips, I turned my body with my head tilting to the side as if it didn’t even want to give her my full undivided attention, but she had it now.

      “Well, let’s get to the point princess,” I said easily and held my arms out at her, while her eyes revealed their true jealousy and wrathful emotions to me. I was ready for war and even more prepared for victory!

      On her sinful red lips, a nasty smirk swiped on her lips as she crossed her thin arms, taking a few more steps to me in her clicking black wedged heels.

       “Tell me what he told you. Did he tell you were different? Did he tell you he wanted to live the right way?” She speedily got straight to the point and I had strangely admired her boldness.

      If I was in her shoes, I would be doing the same way today, but I’m not her.

      When she questioned me those questions it was like arrow piercing my heart, but they were slowly inching through the meatiness of my raw heart. Did he use that line with other women or even with Kiko before?

       “He did,” I spoke strongly and I looked in her eyes with the intensity stabbing and fighting against her own eyes that were producing red rays of destruction.

       “He has said those words to many women…but never me,” she exerted her last word as if it was so meaningful, but to me she was just yesterday’s news left to be discarded in the trash bin and if she was lucky she would make it to the recycle bin. That’s if she was lucky.

      She could be lying about Jiyong saying that to other women, but even she was, it serves no purpose here today. I’ve already discussed this thoroughly with Jiyong. Anyone else would be irrelevant and that includes an ex.

       “He must didn’t love you like he thought he did,” I spoke carelessly and shrugged my shoulders.

       “Who do you think knows of his darkest hours and even his unwanted past? I’ve been with him since day one of his career. He can’t and won’t confide to no one else. I’m the same way. In this world we live in, you can’t find anyone that will fully accept you like they did in their past. You may think he is accepting you sweetie that he wants to live right…but, we aren’t people that can live right. This is why we always end up coming back to one another when we break up. its destiny,” she spoke with emotion coming through her voice and I looked away temporarily, because this was a part of me that felt weary itself.

       Once more I looked at her and I couldn’t help but to smile at her.

        “That’s a sweet story, very sweet. Simply because it’s a story set in the past. I am the present. I and Jiyong are the present. I’m not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow,” I began to tell her and she began to show a great disappointment in the features of her face.

        “I already know why you are here. I suppose you’ve seen Jiyong hasn’t been in contact with you and that he is no longer playing this pull and tug of war game with you, since he is dating me anyway. It’s time for him to grow up and that is something I can give him. If he wants to live right, then why shouldn’t the person he loves do so?” I questioned her, trying to put some logic in this delusional girl’s head.

        Love is not based on time. It can be strengthen of course over time like a nation’s army, but who is not to say it is strongest with the right people in the very beginning?

      “Yes, I agree and that is why I am here. Taeyeon you really have no idea what Jiyong life is like. Why do you even think he said he wants to live right? Have you even considered what was wrong in the first place?” She was throwing logic back at my face and I was somewhat glad that this was a decent conversation so far, but I’m sure it was like this because Kiko wants to run me off.

       “Let’s say I don’t, what is it to you?” I asked, growing tired of all this and turned back around, ping my pants. Okay…let’s say there is more to Jiyong’s life, I’ll be right next to him with him in the end.

      I’ve seen a lot of and even been through so much to the point that I hate the person I use to love so much.

       “You may be his ing girlfriend in the news, but this is just showing how carless Jiyong is becoming. We’ll make you regret for even kissing him on that night in the first place!” She raised her voice at me and I just sighed, while dropping my pants around my ankles.

     My eyebrows rose up as I pondered on the ‘we’ she spoke of and I turned my head, looking at her crazily.

      “We? Are you threatening me?” I asked and she just gave me a wicked smile, in which I also noticed that her hands were in tight fists, but she released them slowly.

      “I’m not a fan of future tense sayings Ms. Kim,” she said and immediately turned around, storming out the locker room. This was her declaration of war.

      I really just couldn’t believe this.

      My eyes rose to the pale ceiling and I looked away with a forced laugh coming from my lips.

      No, she threatened me.

      Well, let’s see what you got . I’m sure you’ll have to wake up to reality soon enough, just like any ex-girlfriend would. We all go through it, but she is just delusional.

      Coming all in here telling me how long they been together and some proper way of living with some other .

      Why the does she thinks that we are even dating? Isn’t the point of dating is to assist the person you in love with anything and find out more about one another.

      Anyway, I see what she is after now, which is to destroy our relationship so she can get Jiyong back. Does she think because she appears here and is around more often, that he will become enslaved to their love, again?

      He was never any good for you anyway since he ed around with other girls in the public eye and even more flirt. He didn’t respect you because you were anyway.

      I mean it’s even hard to believe that he even dated you. He didn’t even release a relationship statement over these many years? I guess he always knew it in the back of his head that you weren’t the one.

      After over thinking these issues in my head, I postponed that board meeting in my head and changed out all the clothes I wore into black skinny jeans and a pink cheetah print shirt.

      While I was putting the clothes that got wet in the black gym bag, I was thinking about Jiyong being outside with Kiko now and even more cameras weren’t around! What was being said between them!?

      Madly, I half way zipped my bag up and placed the strap on my shoulder in a rush as I ran for the door, but suddenly stopped to open it quietly. If they were talking…I needed to at least hear it.

       “Why did you come here?” I heard his voice, but it was very different. It even almost sounded like he was a different person with that weakened and softened tone of voice.

      They were both sitting on that same red couch, but with their backs facing away from the locker room doors.

      To not be spotted, I brought the door closer and barely left a crack so I could hear while I looked down at the floor.

       “You know why I came here,” Kiko responded in a sentimental voice and I just shook my head.

       “Kiko…this time we are really over. Don’t make things more difficult,” He told her simply but it was hard to tell her as well.

       “I’m not making things difficult. I’m making it easier so we can reconcile and continue where we left off just like we’ve been doing all these years,” She said and her starting to sniffle. Was she crying?

       “D-Don’t cry,” Jiyong’s voice cracked and looked up with confused eyes. You still love her? Of course you still love her.

        “Then don’t make me cry!” She exclaimed angrily and then there was this ominous silence.

       To see what was happening now, I opened the door a little bit more, peeking out for a second, but I silently gasped as I brought the door back to the crack.

       His hands were on holding the sides of her face, wiping her tears away as he looked in her eyes painfully.

       Right now…it really seemed as if she was his world. Right now I was just someone hiding in a closet to be forgotten like a pair of old shoes. I mean I’m sure he never wore old shoes. One time was enough for him and he was on to the next thing. That was how he saw me a while back.

       My eyes had began to burn and I shut my eyes, shaking my head. I hate crying. I hate it! Tears are for the weak.

“This is the last time I will wipe your tears away Kiko. This is the last time I will say that I loved you,” He spoke in past tense and I widened my eyes with a tear running quickly down my cheek.

        “W-What?” She asked in a voice filled with disbelief and I turned my head back toward the door.

        “I loved you…I loved you so ing much Kiko. You were the person who didn’t see me as that ugly or gay kid when I first debut in Big Bang. You were the person who told me to keep going and live wild and free like you. You were so beautiful and you still are Kiko, but I’ve…grown up,” He laughed at the end and I held my mouth as I couldn’t believe these own words were coming from his mouth, before he continued.

        “We’ve been each other’s wounds for a long time and I thank you. There is no one other I would have fully trusted than you back then, but I’ve realized what true love really is. I’ve never considered the aspects of respect and pride very much, but I see it’s important to actually living and even in love. It makes me feel like a human being and even normal,” He was starting to explain the things I considered precious to myself also.

        “Respect? Pride? Normal?” Kiko questioned him in disgust with her voice rising up in a level.

     “Y-Yes,” Jiyong replied in difficulty and bit quite hard on my bottom lip.

      “You know you can’t have those things Jiyong! You know you can’t!” She screamed, losing her mind completely and I peeked out once more, seeing her standing up as she looked down at him.

      “Yes I can!” Jiyong voice roared out and he was now standing in front of her, peering down into her eyes.

      “Do you really think so Jiyong? So you’re telling me that you can now live with respect, pride and dignity after all the things you’ve done? Have you forgotten the truce you made?” She asked him and tilted her head, while looking at him wickedly.

     There was really something more to Jiyong, just like there is something that Taeyeon doesn’t know about me.

      “Shut up!” Jiyong shouted once more with his entire body becoming tensed with balled up hands.

      “You see, you can’t ever be normal Jiyong,” Kiko said and ran her hand up his chest as she looked up in his eyes like in a sly viper while Jiyong was quite affected from her words.

      She then leaned into his ear, whispering and I no longer could hear. When she finished her words, her eyes stared hard at the crack I was peering through and I felt as if she stabbed me in the depths of my heart.

      Regardless of her now seeing me, there was no point in closing that door.

      Instead I walked forward and shut the door behind me strongly, to produce a loud sound and it made Jiyong jolt away quickly from Kiko in a matter of seconds.

      With guilt dripping from his face, he looked at me with wide eyes and then down in shame.

       “Oh, all done? You look cute,” Kiko said to me and gave me a smile at the same she rose her shoulders in a laugh.

        “Don’t compliment me ,” I spoke nastily to her right away. Things like this require a full blown attack, because it seemed she was just slipping in like a viper. I won’t let her turn Jiyong into Eve, to bite the forbidden fruit.

        “W-What?” She asked in disbelief and she was no doubt in shock that I was coming off strong like this. Most girls would just probably walk off, ignoring this situation but those girls where foolish.

       If someone tells you they are going to come takeover your country, are you just going to ignore them and continue daily life? If you do, then you deserve to be exiled.

       As for me, I’m going to prepare every household and army in each city for the battle to begin.

       If we lose in the end at least we had our pride and the honor our country to protect ourselves. At least we have that.

     With a snarky look, I walked into the lobby with heavy steps as I walked around, standing right in front of Jiyong.

      “Let me teach you something you little wench. Anyone can develop pride and respect. It doesn’t matter what type of life you live or what you lived, anyone can start to value things they loved with the upmost of sincerity at anytime they ing choose. As I have seen for my own self, Jiyong couldn’t have that with you, but he can with me,” I told her with my eyebrows rising up to draw a point across here.

     “Aren’t you a bit arrogant?” She asked me and laughed as I looked back at Jiyong who was just speechless. What did she whisper in his ear?

      “Damn right, I am,” I told her proudly and I just kept shocking her. Hopefully she will just go into shock mode and I’ll leave her here on the floor to have a seizure.

       “I’ll give you this, which is that you are pretty tough, but you are still just some good girl down the block. You aren’t what Jiyong wants and even needs. He knows it and you will eventually turn into dried up sponge that’s been used too much just like-“Her words were cut off by the inside of my palm that was just an inch away from her delicate cheek.

      What was holding me back?

       “What the do you think you are doing!?” I exclaimed loudly at Jiyong as he had his hand wrapped around my wrist and he had tightened his grip around it as if he was securing a handcuff on me.

      Insane was written on my face while my chest rose and fall like the indecisiveness of my conscious from the deep breaths racing with the adrenaline flowing through my veins.

      Jiyong’s face looked as if he finally came alive with blood rushing in his own face and the next moment he released my wrist, his own hand did the act I was about to do.

      If anything his slap was three times harder then mines with firmness of his fingers hitting the flesh of her white cheek that was now beaming red.

       “I said all of this was over with,” Jiyong cursed off his lips with such a venomous tone that I was even rendered silence.

      The slap that was delivered by Jiyong left her face to be turned and she began to shake from her shoulders on up with tears sliding down from her eyes on her quivering cheeks.

      My lips were pressed so tightly against one another that I thought they would burst as my eyes were just stuck on Jiyong. I really need to stop doubting this man.

       “So it’s over when you say it’s over?” Kiko asked him even with her voice crying itself as she was breathless herself.

      Gradually, she turned her face and her eyes laid upon Jiyong’s face in complete tragedy.

       “Exactly that,” Jiyong breathed out, declaring this was the end of all things and all she did was rub her lips together as she lowered her head, looking at the floor.

      With a couple of torn ragged breaths, she nodded her head and brought her fingertips to her face, wiping to make the tears disappear, but they just kept coming. For a moment I felt sorry for her.

       “I see…that’s what you think. Well it’s never over for me Jiyong and I’m going to prove it to you,” She began cranking the emotions back up  and even worse from that slap, but Jiyong tried pushing her back in her spot by stepping closer to her.

       “No, don’t do this Kiko. Just stop,” Jiyong’s voice came out with endless frustration, but Kiko kept going as she pointed at her little finger at him as her face was falling apart.

       “I’m going to prove it to you just like I’ve done a million times!” She roared out and pushed Jiyong back by his chest, when he was about to stop her.

     “Don’t you ing touch me!” She screamed and I was quite shocked at her own words and act as my eyes were just wider.

     Jiyong withdrew his hands back quickly as if he had touched fire and his face instantly froze like ice when she said those words to him

      “These words, I promise you Taeyeon will say them,” She said, showing how she played a game of deception with him just now and began laughing madly afterward. This was insane. What the have I gotten myself into?

      “Shut up!” Jiyong yelled and she just held her stomach while laughing as she quickly ran around him and finally disappeared out the room. Crap, would the camera see her now?

      Right now I couldn’t even worry about who was watching and who wasn’t as I looked over at Jiyong who was looking at the floor with clenched fists.

     At just the sight of his jaws, I knew he was gnawing anger between his teeth roughly.

      “Jiyong,” I tried calling out his name softly among this sudden silence, but there wasn’t a single response from him.

     He was still breathing heavily, with the look of a serial killer that wanted to keep killing.

     All what was left for me to do was to run my hand through my silky hair, feeling the heat of my scalp as the tips of my fingers searched for all the solutions there. There was none.

     I was at complete lost for words and even actions as I retired to sit on the leather couch. I then let my head dropped with my eyes shutting to the darkness.

     Before I could escape to that dark paradise within my shut eyelids, Jiyong spoke, making me rise my head up with open eyes immediately as a deep inhale followed.

      “Let’s go finish recording on the rooftop,” Jiyong spoke seriously and I saw him taking out his sunglasses from his pants pocket, which just made me become angry all over again.

      “No, I believe we should talk,” I told him strongly as I held my hands together with my elbows on my thighs while I was looking up at him like he was my God.

      “We still have a lot more time for recording, so we should go,” He continued on as he opened his sunglasses and leaned his head down to put them on properly.

     Instantly, I was on my feet in that next second and I snatched those glasses off his face madly while I looked at him with a fire in my eyes and flared nostrils.

     “We still have a lot more to talk about, so we should stay god damn it,” I end up cursing at him as he was now meeting my eyes with this unearthly like silence.

      “Jiyong…Kwon Jiyong please explain all of what Kiko just said before she left. Explain every sentence, word and even pronunciation if you please,” I almost begged him and he knew I was as he was just shaking his head sadly.

      We stood there for this unimaginable length of time just looking in each other’s eyes, seeing who would break first, but you know that I would never break.

      That was the very reason why Jiyong was attracted to me. I never break and nor bend.

      Regardless of that fact, he leaned another method of changing me which was melting me and then molding me in his heart.

       “You told me that you needed communication in a relationship, right?” Jiyong asked me in his famous breathy tone that could be enough to live off of for oxygen and that solid line in my lip curved into a sweet smile.

       “Correct,” I said and bowed my head in response at the same time.

      He took a moment to his lips as he nodded after I did so while he looked around and rubbed his hands together.

      His body movements tells on everything about how he was feeling and I was definitely about to open up a new door about him.

      I mean what do I know about this man beside him being YG’s prodigy and as a top Hallyu artist? I’m sure his fans know his favorite color, food and even his freaking shoe size.

      But, I know something that most people don’t, especially personally.

      It was the way his hand felt.

      The way a man touches a woman with his hand explains his motives in every way. It’s the way he touches you and where he touches you.

      Right now in this moment, Jiyong lifted my hand up in his hand, softly caressing it like a new born baby as he looked at it with the upmost of sincerity and affection.

      Then he slowly wove his fingers carefully between my thin fingers, holding it very softly, but tight enough that it wouldn’t slip away from him. He didn’t want to let me go and neither suffocate me.

       “Let’s sit first,” He told me and slowly we sat down with me on that couch. We then turned toward one another and he took my other hand, not letting it miss out on some of the love and attention.

       “Okay,” He exhaled after he took in a deep inhale for strength.

      I can relate with him. I really can. It’s not easy at all to confide your personal life especially for the first time. I’m still going through that now myself.

       “Well…where should I start?” He asked and just shook his head, finding it even harder when he was just about to pour out everything to me. I guess he would have to do it bit by bit.

     I raised my eyes off of our hands up into his face, tracing every feature and landed right in the center of his dark pupils like a bull’s eye.

      “Let’s start with telling all the women you were seeing that you wanted to live right and that they were different,” I brought up the first thing Kiko addressed to me.

     I may have acted like I didn’t care and I really didn’t, but I am a woman. Simply because of that fact it will reside in my conscious and bully it to the death of me. It will be a tiresome doubt.

     His eyes stretched and he lightly laughed before he turned his head away, but returned it to look at me confidence.

      “What’s wrong with telling them I wanted to live right and they were different? Aren’t both of these things a fact? I’ve always wanted to live right and the women I played with were different, because I could never find any emotions for them. There was only lust, a common feeling,” He told me easily and almost smiled, from his response since this was an easy confession.

     I nodded my head, showing him that I agreed with this. That was a weak attack Kiko threw at me when she first released her true feelings at me. I think even calling me a would’ve been better.

      “There is nothing wrong with that…well, why can’t you live right? How have you been living? What is this befouling past?” I asked him slowly and I was just hoping it wasn’t as horrible as my past. I hated that past and even I hated myself back then. Maybe I still do.

     That confidence that Jiyong just gained was blown by the wind of my voice and the loosened grip on my hands proved it.

     His lips pressed against one another tightly while he lowered his head, looking down in our laps.

      “Open your doors to me and I’ll open mines,” I whispered to him, wanting him to trust me and he just softly sighed.

     I felt like I was pressuring him and because of that I felt guilty. I didn’t want to force him to tell me this. I wanted him to do this from his own will.

      “Do you believe in me? Do you trust me?” I questioned him the same questions he asked me when I was in doubt about his love for me.

     The effect of using his words brought that confidence back stronger and his grip on my hand returned.

     He was now looking in my eyes and I could tell that his door was wide open for me to walk in. He believed in me. He trusted me. I walked inside that door.

      “It all starts with my family…my mom and dad,” He spoke with a dark tone of voice and remained staring in my eyes. He wanted to tell me and I wanted to hear what he was telling me.

     It was his family? He had family problems? I’ve always heard how his mother would take pictures with him, interviews talking how proud she was of him and things he would do for her.

     But, then again you never know the full story from just some news article. I mean anyone can act these days.

     I simply nodded my head after each break for him to continue and he did just as so.

      “I may call them mom and dad, but they don’t act like it. For some reason, they hated me since the day I was born,” he said with the unbearable pain ripping through his voice while his eyes lowered in shame.

     He continued, “I really do think I was mistake. Even my sister plotted against me when we were younger.”

     Where was this leading? All I know it wasn’t feeling good and I already was feeling sympathy for him. I never really could imagine his parents hating him and especially how great he has became now. But, there are some stories that occur like that in life. This world was filled cruel people indeed.

      “I was ten years old and my older sister Dami was twelve years old,” He began giving me the details of his past story.

      “Even as far back as I can remember back even when I was five years old, Dami never liked me. She would hit me, cry, run away and even lie that I did something to her when we were younger. I was seen as the evil little brother from that point on and I didn’t know what that something was till I had wanted to share a tray of chocolate candy with her, which was what YG gave me for passing a test in school, since I did bad in my grades before then,” he breathed out his last word with dread and then inhaled, before he continued on.

       “My family always lived in prestige and was wealthy due to my father mostly, which is reasonable living for us living in a big house that was basically a mansion. Regardless of the roominess, our rooms were on the same hallway for closeness and despite them bringing us together closer, I was the one being pushed away further when I went into Dami’s room later that night with the chocolates,” He said and was now looking in my eyes, examining my expressions and reactions to what he was telling me.

       “I had knocked on her door and she didn’t answer, but I knew she was in there. I also knew that she never wanted me in her room and yet I entered, because I thought she would find a liking to me if not as her brother but as a human,” Jiyong expressed himself perfectly and even I didn’t know the full story, I felt sad…almost depressed.

        “When I walked in, she was sitting on her bed in her night clothes, just as I was in my pajamas which were the usual when nighttime came. She had asked what I want and that was a first for me. She would usually tell me to get out and I would, but this time she saw the chocolates in my hand. I had told her I wanted to share them with her and she nodded in agreement. You just can’t imagine how happy I felt,” He spoke with sheering happiness and shook his head in disbelief, but I knew there was a catch.

     “I went to take a seat next to my older sister and I opened the chocolates. She pouted cutely and told me to feed her since I was the little brother. To be honest, I didn’t even know what I was supposed to do as a brother. Since she was older, should I look up to her? Since I was the male sibling, should I protect and groom her? I didn’t know, but I really wanted to find out in that moment,” His ending word was whispered in bewilderment and curiosity.

     It really felt as if he went back in time and as that little boy with those emotions of loneliness, confusion and gloominess.

      “You know that saying that curiosity always kills the cat?” Jiyong asked me and looked back up in my eyes after he looked away.

     I blinked once, coming out the picture of the story he made me imagine in my head to look at him almost in a dumbfound manner. Of course I’ve heard that saying before, but he continued on anyway without my response.

      “Well, it sure did when I picked up the chocolate and I brought it to her small lips, wanting her to enjoy this chocolate since it was so sweet and what seemed to be the most desirable candy to us humans. She pulled away and shook her head with a bitter look and I immediately withdrew my hand, thinking I was doing something wrong,” he laughed out with distaste and I wrinkled my eyebrows in response.

      “She told me to feed it to her from my mouth,” He simply said, giving my confused mind an answer and he looked down at or hands, holding on to me with a bit more strength. It even almost seemed he was holding onto a rope itself in that given moment.

       “D-Did you?” I had asked with disgust and I just had thought my insides had flipped inside out from his wicked sister.

       “I did,” He replied in a deep voice and I blinked once, to only stretch my eyes wider than before.

        “W-What?” I asked and was waiting for his eyes to rise back up to mines, so I could persecute them personally.

        “I said I did….I just wanted to finally play my role as a little brother back then even if it meant for our lips to meet,” He sighed and I just shook my head while I tried to understand him.

       He just kissed her because he was young and naiveté. There was nothing ual going on.

       When I opened my eyes with a fresh inhale of the cool air, I had accepting it just as it was, nothing more.

       Jiyong saw that I did and he almost smiled, but continued on with a saddened expression.

        “I was too much of a damn fool back then to notice that I was just making it a way where I could never play the role of her brother, because in the next second she pulled up the bottom of her night dress and grabbed the hair of the back of my head, screaming for me to stop and mom had just walked in,” he confessed an incredible plot twist of his life story and I just gasped, speechless.

     His sister was a ty . Oh my God. I wanted to strangle his sister’s neck so badly, that I was gripping onto Jiyong’s hand with my claws forming crescent shape marks in them.

      “O-Ouch,” Jiyong mewled painfully and I exhaled out quickly, to notice the violent act I as taking out on his hands.

     Instantly, I loosened my grip on him and rubbed the top of his hands with a sorrowful face.

      “I’m sorry,” I whispered and he just nodded in response.

      “It wasn’t like mom and dad weren’t already ignoring me unless it came to school and other educational means, but it got worse after that night, which was what lead into my current lifestyle,” he said and I bit lightly on my lip, still regretting how I just almost punctured his pretty hands, in which I just happened to notice that he has nubby fingernails.

     He bites his fingernails? Well, that’s new to me. Now that I think about it, he has a bunch of tattoos on his body that I never took the time to look at except for the smiley face on his hand. And, I call myself his…girlfriend?

      “Your current lifestyle?” I questioned, coming back to the conversation that we were trying to get out the way, so we could understand our situation better.

      “I’m sure you already know I’ve been in the music and mainly hip hop business since I was even five years old, but the person who pushed for me to be in it was really my father. I was just lucky to have the talent along with it so I saw it as destiny, but I am here for an actual purpose,” Jiyong said, which was taking me on a tour in his room of secrecy that he just let me in.

       “An actual purpose?” I said again and realized that I was just repeating things he said in a questioning manner, but I don’t really know what else to say. I’m really lost in all of this.

       “I was originally supposed to have formed ties with SM Entertainment when Lee Soo Man was there, but he had left so I withdrew from SM and came to join YG Entertainment. YG was still in the process of growing, before they hit it big with the business tie I made with them when I joined. You see it’s not the fact that G-Dragon and Big Bang made YG Entertainment rich and big as it is, it’s the people behind G-Dragon they made YG Entertainment and Big Bang reach for the sky,” He spoke with a freaking smile and just ing confused me to the point where even drawing a picture in my head just made me more lost.

      “Can you say all that in simpler words?” I asked with a toothy smile and just chuckled softly, not wanting to look stupid before him even if I was.

      “My mother use to run one of the top five agencies here in Seoul and somewhat still does while my father is part of the Five Star criminal organization here in Seoul,” He quickly said and I just smiled, before I started laughing like crazy.

      “Well, thanks for lightning up this serious conversation Jiyong,” I said after managing to control my laughter and let one of my hands slip from his to wipe the tear from my eye.

      “That was almost even funnier than time you said you didn’t know you were smoking when you got caught by the media,” I told him as I nodded and wiped my wet finger on my pants. That one really got me.

     With a couple of deep breaths, I was back to normal despite a flushed red face and looked up at Jiyong who was just looking at me with a serious white face of a stone state.

      “So, can you say all that in simpler words again?” I asked with a cute smile and tilted my head to him, in which he sighed and looked away, talking to me in an indirect way.

     “My purpose for even being in the music business is to pave a way for my father’s activities and organization, which just happened to be with YG Entertainment and mainly the CEO Yang Hyun Suk. I am also involved with the transferring of drugs and connecting other celebrities with them. There also times when needed, mainly female celebrities and even trainees are to attend parties and karaoke sessions with the organization members that consist of many high positioned men. I am personally involved with the acts of drugs, ion, laundering, loan sharks, and even extortion within the music business. That is my lifestyle,” Jiyong strongly stated and turned staring darkly down in my eyes, while I was just silenced.

     I seriously thought that this man was fooling with me again, but that stare let me know this was the ing real deal.

     So, I suppose it was my time to talk since Jiyong hadn’t said another word for over the next five minutes, while I’m just a ing straw house that was blown down by the big bad wolf.

     What was I to say to him? He just basically told me that his father is a ruler of the mafia and that he participates in the criminal activities every day like he wipes his .

     He sells and even does drugs. He is a pimp that makes women go open their legs to the higher ups. He gets dirty money illegally from those drugs and . He goes against the government system of loans. He forces people to give him money, while everyone think he is a good hearted and well notable artist, but really he is a criminal. Yes, I’ve been hit by a smooth criminal.

     My bottom lip was shaking as breathing even became harder when I wanted to speak, but the only word that slipped out was, “W-What?”

     I asked that damned question when my ears heard well enough, but I didn’t want to believe it.

     Yet those intimidating dark eyes didn’t make me feel any better and those hands that I thought were so warm were suddenly cold to me.

      “I’m the bad guy Taeyeon,” he made that statement to me sound so simple, but it really wasn’t. I really know who Kwon Jiyong is and honestly it was something I would never expect, but then again when do you expect to see a mob boss before you? They were generally out in the open and then again hidden behind the scenes, the least expected.

     “So…where does Kiko fit in all of this?” I somehow managed to ask a logical question and used my head to flip my hair off my shoulder as a slight distraction, because I really don’t where I should take this. It was either I accept it or don’t accept it.

     If I accept it, I’m supporting someone who pushed forth all type of drugs from and meth that destroys people lives, having women sleeping around because someone wants some new hole to , and he was just involved with many illegal complications. That isn’t something I support and if anything I strongly despise the ion part.

      “Kiko…well, she’s actually a daughter of a Japanese conglomerate that works hand in hand with my father that is mainly dealt with loans and other money related issues since they are a business. Kiko was specifically introduced to me with a set of models when Big Bang did a show in Japan. We hit it off for one night and continued on. Later on my father and her father learned of our relationship, supporting it for a future engagement, which was something I promised,” he dragged out toward the end, but quickly wanted to get it off of his mind while it was ing exploding mines.

      I now see why that was so confident.

       “Where do I fit in this?” I asked and I rubbed my lips together, wanting to remain calm. I have to think logically.

       “You fit just like you do now Taeyeon,” He called my name like it was a flower and he lifted my hands up, kissing them with his soft lips. Somehow that icy feeling was warmed from his kiss, but my hands were still numb from the previous coldness.

       “Have you ever murdered someone?” I asked just as fast as my increased heart beat and my eyes never moved from his face.

      I was even watching the way his own eyebrows rose from my question and the way he took in a sharp inhale through his nostrils.

     It almost felt like I was sitting on the edge of slanted cliff, where I sliding and sliding, nearing a death to the unknown when I saw his lips part, but I was instantly froze on that edge because he only exhaled air and no words.

     Oh , he is ing hesitating. He is ing hesitating! He has killed someone!

     Red lights and alarms were going off in my brain for me to find the exit calmly and escape this danger, but I was like a frozen cat that had been frightened.

      “Accidentally…” He whispered in a rush and I began shaking my head. Don’t say another word.

     “I accidentally killed someone,” he said in a hushed tone again like it was a dirty secret, well it was no longer a secret now, because I knew it!

      “Are you ing kidding me?” I asked Jiyong seriously and I now saw him in my eyes as they most twisted person before me. I thought Jessica had won that award, but I must take it from her and give it to Jiyong.

      “I-I’m not,” Jiyong began stuttering and I could see his eyes stretching out in panic while he gripped on my hands desperately, but I pulled away sloppily when he tried to stop me and I then stood up, blowing up.

      “Stop bullting with me Jiyong! Everyone already knows your favorite saying when you got busted for doing weed years ago, ‘I accidently smoked weed.’ Everybody was talking about! even God and Jesus was talking about it. Do you want to know what they said?” I asked him and of course I was expecting to answer my own question as he stood up, waving his hands in disagreement.

      “They said you were ing lying and that you couldn’t man up to your crimes, just like you are now. If you are going to tell me you killed someone, tell me that, but don’t try to make it look innocent, because it’s not! You said you wanted to have respect, pride, and dignity, then don’t try to make your own crimes look innocent. This is what is really boiling me up right now!” I screamed out at the end with tears filling my eyes and I ran my hand through my hand quickly, before I turned around.

     I don’t want to leave you Jiyong…please keep talking to me so I can understand you more. I know you are a bad guy now. I now know of the bad things you have done. I guess you really decided to save the best for last, because if you told me this in the beginning, my heart wouldn’t be hurting like it was now. I wouldn’t love you like I do now. You have got me.

     I could now tell Jiyong was standing behind me silently, looking down at me shaking back as I wiped away my own tears.

      “Fine…I killed someone, but it wasn’t my intention to kill him,” He spoke in a low tone of voice and I looked up with a small laugh.

      “So it was second attempt murder then? Then tell me, how and why did you kill this person. Tell me everything Jiyong,” I told him emotionally and turned around, facing his eyes that happen to becoming red themselves.

     Why am I taking all of this out on Jiyong? I shouldn’t be doing this.

     He is already having a hard time himself. From what I heard from him, his young life was hell and this life style he has isn’t by choice. It was really his fate, his destiny. It wasn’t something he could escape if he wanted to.

      “Thank you…you are the first…really the first who has asked me this,” He spoke with gratitude and just shook his head while looking down as if he wanted to cry, but he didn’t. He was being a man about it. I liked that.

       “I-It was around the same time I got busted for usage six years ago in 2011. There was a client that wanted a loan of a five million dollars and he was also a black listed client since he had almost been busted by the police with ties to us and previously failed to pay a 500,000 loan. In exchange, he gave up his last building in Hongdae to us for collateral, but he came back to me personally because we were old friends,” Jiyong was talking so fast that I would even think his words would crash into one another, but I managed to understand him as I was just listening.

       “He was in a tragic situation with another gang that he owed and he needed the money badly or they would kill him and his family. I gave him 2.5 Million to pay off the other gang and another 2.5 million to buy a business along with stocks so he could put them on the stock market, so he could bring the price back up and sell it back to me, but that plan failed,” His voice faltered and I looked away while crossing my arms, so he could explain all of this faster to me. God, these mafia people really have too much going on here.

     “I’m not sure what he did with the other 2.5 million up to today, but he disappeared from Seoul with his family….and I was in big trouble with my father. I thought I would lose my life the way he beat me. I hid myself in long sleeves and long pants till the bruises went away,” He said with the agony returning to his voice and I ended up gripping on my arm in response. Keep going.

      “After almost being beaten to death which wasn’t a first, but that way was, I was ordered to find him and treat him the same way my father did to me till I found out where that money was. It took two weeks for me to find out that he was in Shanghai and I flew there, capturing him and I tortured him personally,” Jiyong took a break from talking and placed his hands on his back, walking away to look out the scenery window that was there.

     Still with tense crossed arms, I walked up behind Jiyong looking at his face through the reflection of the window as he proceeded while bringing his hands up to his eyes.

      “With these hands I had to beat him sticks, crowbars and even use a knife on him till he spoke, but because he wanted his family safe he didn’t speak. I just wanted him to talk so I kept beating him; I just kept beating him…just wanting him to speak. That was all I wanted…I didn’t want him to…” Jiyong’s voice faded like the ending of a song and that manliness I had just witnessed of fighting tears was broken with a single stream running down hill on his face.

       “Die?” I asked in a faint whisper and he lowered his hands, looking at my reflection in the mirror with that shakiness in his pupils like I saw on that night when he went crazy on me.

       “Yes, I didn’t want him to die. I just wanted him to speak. I just wanted me to tell me where that money was. I-Is that so wrong?” He asked me and slowly turned around, in which I lifted my heel up to step back, seeing his whole composure starting to shake like his eyes were on that night, but I wouldn’t run away.

      Jiyong asked me before if I trusted him and I did. He asked me if I believed him and I do just as I was in this given moment.

      He was just some lost, scared and corrupted boy. The people in his life didn’t make that any better. Kiko thinks that he is safe with her, but he is safe with me. This world that we live in, it must be some type of miracle to have someone that doesn’t cause you harm.

       “No, it wasn’t wrong, but it is still wrong that you killed him,” I told him honestly and I slowly walked up to him, while he looked down with more tears coming down.

      I let my arms wrap around his waist and turned my face sideways softly before I let my head rest in his chest.

       “Once you admit that Jiyong, you can live the right way,” I whispered to him and I looked up at him when I heard his cries slipping his lips every now and then. He was still fighting it.

       “You’ve done well Jiyong. I will admit that this was shocking, insane and even unmoral like, but for you to tell me all this, lets me know that I can really trust and believe you. We can discuss how this affects our present day life later since that doesn’t matter now. What matters now is who we are, how we feel, what we want and who we love and right now I’m the Kim Taeyeon that feels so hurt by the people that hurt you. I want you to find this life you want with me and it is you who I love Kwon Jiyong,” I told him as I was now holding his face in my hands, wiping his tears away with my thumbs as I looked up in his eyes with my sparkling ones.

        “I told you that you are the last person that I’m letting inside my heart and I can’t kick you out because of this mafia like life you have. As far as who you are, I see that you are a person that just wants happiness and love. Well I’m going to give it to you Jiyong,” I whispered and I somehow manage to stop him from crying.

       He was just silent like a little baby and I smile softly before I pressed my lips against his soft ones that were like the softest chiffon.

       For some reason, this kiss was just so painful that I couldn’t help but cry as our hot lips wet one another in the process.

       My lips were burning, my body was tingling and my chest was collapsing to the point I had to break the kiss.

       Once I had done so, I gasped for air, which made my lungs expand like balloons and then I softly exhaled as he pressed his forehead against mines lightly with a soft smile. “Saranghae,” He whispered and I just fell in love so deeply that I thought I could even fall into a Hell with a smile on my face.

        “Nado Saranghae,” I whispered in return and that reply I gave him returned the sweet harmony that was just invaded by the enemy, whom we defeated successfully.

       When we had made it back to the rooftop, we were all smiles for the camera and even for Kiko.

       She was the one really looking like the fool here and was even more a comedy act.

       To me she was the joker while I was the Queen and Jiyong was the King.

     It was toward the ending of the show where there were just a few more obstacles that I was really set on getting rid of today, which was no one other than Baekhyun and Krystal.

     Everyone was back in the meet room inside the building so we could brain storm a couple of plans, which was where the recording had ended for today.

     Jiyong had gave me a kiss on my cheek before he stood up and I knew he had a studio recording with his Big Bang members after this today, while I had my own affairs for myself.

     I had waved my hand for him to go on ahead as I stayed seated in my seat, staring at Baekhyun whom was looking at me back in return in his seat while the room was being emptied out gradually.

     He knew I wanted to talk to him with just this one stare and he complied with it by just remaining right there.

     Finally, the room was ridden of cameras and listening ears.

      “So, is this your plan?” I asked him and placed my arms on the arms of the rolling chair I was sitting at the white rounded table comfortably.

     Baekhyun’s pink tongue his bottom lip before a nasty smirk fitted his lips.

      “No, not at all,” He spoke in a fresh and professional way of speaking, while he shook his head.

     I nodded in response and I just smiled.

      “Then what is your plan?”

     My voice was serious, which contradicted with my facial expression. That was one of my talents.

      “You should know that even better than me Taeyeon,” Baekhyun replied and gripped on the arms of his chair while he pushed himself to sit more up in the chair.

      “If that is so, then you should know me better, which is the fact that I will never come back to you,” I replied in seldom tone.

     Baekhyun was silent for a moment and he pushed a fake smile on his face, before he looked down making his brown bang fall in his eyes, hiding the sympathy that filled his eyes for a quick second.

     He then lifted his head, tossing the bang out his eye and looked at me with strong determination, but I know you better than you know your own self Baekhyun. You know you are weak before me.

      “I know, but you still love me,” He said with fleeting confidence and this time his cheeks rose up a little bit more with a grin of sincerity.

      Right now he had me silenced, because the words he told me before were still settled deep in my heart.

       “That feeling that you feel, Jiyong still has it for Kiko. I’m one hundred positive of it and he will let you go eventually,” Baekhyun said with jealousy reeking from his breath and I caught myself from gripping my hand in a tight fist just now.

       “I smell of stench of jealousy from your breath Baekhyun and even more I think it’s fogging up your head from thinking straight,” I said nastily.

      Baekhyun brought one hand to his mouth and blew his breath in his hand before he brought it to his nose, smelling it.

      “You are extremely right. I’ll make sure to go brush my teeth ASAP,” He mocked me incredibly and I just turned my head, lightly laughing. Wow, my Ex-Boyfriend is really a .

      “Baekhyun I’m just giving you this one warning to leave me and Jiyong alone. I won’t ask of you to ship Kiko’s back to Japan since she made me and Jiyong’s bong stronger anyway,” I spoke like a brat and grabbed a piece of my hair, twisting  it in front of me with a cunning smile.

     The corners of Baekhyun’s lips fell for a half a second, but he just laughed it off while clapping his hands. Oh, he was beyond mad right now.

      “You know we are a lot alike, right?” Baekhyun asked me with a loud voice that was filled with falsified happiness.

     “Oh, of course,” I replied with certainty as I dropped my strand of hair to rest my hand on my lap.

     To me Baekhyun was like the male version of me and there was one point in time I thought that was so ing cool, but right now it could be the worst combination in freaking history. I mean look at us now.

      “That’s good you know. I’m going to tell you another similarity we have. Just like you always want to be right and never wrong, I like to always win and never lose,” He made a daring statement to me and it was even threatening as my entire face dropped.

     My breathing had escalated angrily as I bit down on my bottom lip and Baekhyun took it of his own free will to push up out of chair so quickly and madly, that the chair was sent rolling back till it hit the wall in calamity.

      “Baekhyun!” I had shouted his name madly when he had walked with wrathful steps around the table, making an exit for himself without even saying his proper goodbye to me.

     He stopped instantly in his steps and turned his head to look at me with dark eyes that were so icy and cold in this instance. And, when he spoke, it sent chills running up and down my spine in the state of confusion and panic.

      “If I can’t have you…no one else can.”

     W-Wait…what does he mean by that?

     By the time I had asked myself that question, he was already gone and I quickly ran out the meet room, pressing the hot, sweaty palms of my hands against the clear glassed door, opening it.

     Once I was given the view of the hallway, I ran down it, looking from left to right for Baekhyun.

     Has he gone insane!? Why does this love make us do some scary ? Love can be your best friend and then you best enemy.

      “Looking for Baekhyun?” I heard a bright voice ask me out of nowhere when I was at the front entrance and exit of the building, looking for him from there.

     I slightly jumped from being suddenly startled and I turned my head to see the other partner in crime. I was really set on killing two birds with one stone today, but it seemed those birds did a coup d’état.

     Pain settled in my lips when I had pressed them hardly against one another as I looked at this with raw hatred.

     Krystal noticed the way I was looking at her and her shoulders rose up in a small laugh that extracted from her glossy pink lips.

      “I think I just saw him leave, but he told me to tell you something. Can we go talk in private?” She asked me and rose one of her hands up, pointing somewhere.

     For some reason I wished that I could just set people on fire with just the look of your eyes. I had saw a glimpse of a Anime called Naruto and one of the characters named Sasuke just did it with black flames. It was so cool and would be even cooler if I can set her skinny on fire.

     In the next moment, I was already following her inside a small lounge room here in YG’s building and she took a seat on the white and blue floral patterned coych, which had a circular glass table in the center and another matching chair in front of it.

     My eyes had squinted as I looked at Krystal closely in her lacey white shirt and blue jeans as I took a seat across from her. It was now V.S in the WWIII I’ve been battling since who knows when.

      “Let’s get to the ing point,” my lips had spoken for me before I could even process the thoughts in my head.

     Krystal didn’t show in surprise from my vulgar way of talking and I knew she wouldn’t because I know how regular she uses curse words and if anything she uses them more than me in that English language of hers.

     With a care free attitude she crossed her thin leg over the other and ran her slim hand through her straight black hair.

      “Then let’s,” She spoke with ease and then waved her hand down with elegance to land on her crossed leg with poise.

     For Jessica and Krystal to be raised up with such grace and class, I must say they are the epitome of playing the wolf in disguise of a sheep.

      “Have you always been this delusional?” I just asked off the back of my head since I know this girl is just madly in love with Jiyong who just obviously wanted to her.

     I mean I know how he is first hand and I told him to kiss my in return. How can she even call herself even a woman?

      “Delusional?” She questioned my word and twisted to the side, showing that she was seriously thinking on it.

      “I’m not sure about always, but I’m sure such things may occur to everyday people like you and me,” she gave a witty reply and fluttered her thick black eyelashes, looking at me with this villainous look.

     Well, she knows how to pick her words properly. You know I think I am not just going to waste my time with her. It’s not like she has been really bothering me since I and Jiyong got caught being together in the parking lot. My God, she was a monster then.

      “Yes…many things occur….anyhow, what was Baekhyun wanted you to tell me,” I rambled on quickly, ready to get out of here.

      “Oh, that’s right,” She blurted out and snapped her fingers, to get back to the reason she brought me into this room, since I let go the part of me straightening her out. Soojung was a smart girl; she already knew what she should or should not do.

      “Baekhyun told me tell you to come a little early for recording since you will be teaching him how to draw. He wants to make some fashion examples while using Kiko,” She ended the note with a high pitched tone for Kiko’s name.

      “Oh…okay, thanks,” I quickly said and turned my head, looking for the door ready to get the away from this freak.

      “But, Taeyeon, I also have something to say to you,” Krystal added in and I nearly rolled my eyes, when I turned to look back at her.

     Would she say something about staying away from her beloved that was really my beloved?

      “What?” I asked simply and she uncrossed her legs, leaning toward me with a serious expression almost.

      “My sister has been detained for some days and you haven’t been looking into it, that’s strange as SNSD’s leader. I mean Seohyun, Sooyoung, Hyoyeon, Sunny and even Tiffany has called me, asking me about Jessica’s situation personally since they couldn’t find out too much from the police or Mr. Youngmin. I am the source of Jessica’s condition,” She spoke with this sneaky voice, but just her mentioning Jessica blinded me of what was up her sleeve.

      “Why should I ask? I know enough. Jessica is caught for some crimes and is detained for those crimes. If she is guilty, she will be arrested and if she is innocent, she will be released. It’s as simple as 123. Even a five year old can figure that out without asking questions,” I spoke nonchalantly and Krystal just scoffed in disbelief.

      “You’ve always been like this even when you and Jessica were best friends. You’ve been this selfish only thinking of yourself,” Krystal said with an attitude and I just shook my head at her with a soft smile.

      “So, you’re saying Jessica hasn’t been the same?” I tossed a question at her like a hot potato and her eyebrows furrowed together angrily, while she threw the hot potato back to me.

      “Are you admitting to never seeing Jessica as your best friend? So, it really wasn’t because she busted your secret relationship with Xia then?” Krystal’s voice was dripping with disgust and each drop made me shiver itself.

       “You don’t know a damn thing little girl,” I snickered and crossed my arms, shaking my head, before I stood up quickly.

       “I know more than you can ing imagine Kim Taeyeon,” Krystal spoke like a sly serpent the moment I had thought to turn for my leave, but she somehow compelled me to take a seat back down slowly.

       “Listen here, stay out my ing business,” I demanded of her as I slammed my hand down on the sofa chair’s seat with a smacking sound being transmitted to our ears.

       “Oh, trust me; I don’t want to be in your business. I’m just attending to my unfinished affairs with Jiyong and Jessica. You just happen to be related to them and that it was why we are here today,” Krystal voice toughened up and she leaned a bit closer in the chair as if she was whispering to me, before she sat back, relaxing in the chair.

     All I could do was laugh in disbelief at this girl, but I must say she has grabbed my attention.

      She may seem like she can’t do nothing, but she is very sly and sneaky. If I had to say one thing I knew about Krystal since she was young, it was that and by bringing Kiko here today out of nowhere was enough proof of her skills.

       “What do you have up your sleeves?” I asked her, because I know this calm attitude she had with that confidence, meant she did.

       “Oh, probably an ace or two,” She replied and lifted up her arm, twisting it around lightly with a smile on her lips.

       “I just want to know some answers Taeyeon, that’s all. I want to have a conversation about things of the past,” She finally answered me and put her arm down.

       “And maybe an apology, since I know how hard that is for you to do,” She added on afterwards and I had laughed to myself, keeping it in. Does she really expect to do that?

I had remain silent, letting her continue, to see what she wanted to know and what she actually knew about me.

      “You knew Jessica liked Xia before you did, right?” She asked me this question that I and Jessica already settled between one another, but I guess I have to settle this with the little sister here too. Maybe I can be ridden of her after this.

       “Yes, I knew she liked Xia,” I answered her question and shrugged my shoulders carelessly.

      I mean even our trainer knew Jessica liked Xia in those days since she would peek at him sneaking when he would be around, but she never spoke to him. Not once.

       “Exactly. You knew, but you still dated him. Do you know the day that you started dating him, Jessica came home crying. Did you not find it weird that Jessica didn’t go to the dorm, but home?” Krystal continued prying and I was silent for a moment.

      I didn’t know that. When Xia had asked me out in the dance practice room, I had told her later that day. She seemed surprised and just congratulated me. I did find it weird that she didn’t come to the dorm, since we were roommates also. I…thought she didn’t mind.

       “I didn’t know,” I whispered and Krystal just snorted.

       “I’m sure you didn’t. Anyhow you stole her ing crush and you then push Jaejoong on her. You thought she was all happy and dandy, till he breaks up with her and that’s when you become Jessica’s enemy to the point you even kicked her out,” Krystal said easily, but it made me boil up.

      I stared at her with flames in my eyes and my hand was clenched up.

“Don’t you try to make me look like the traitor here. Jessica me first! All what happened with us and Xia was a mistake. It can’t be helped, but Jessica me just because her heart was broken! I don’t regret kicking her out!” I had ended up yelling at her and Krystal still didn’t flinch nonetheless blink.

       “Sure, whatever,” Krystal quickly skipped over my rant and continued on as if she was having some type of interview with me.

     “You keep thinking Jessica is the one who killed your baby, but you are the one who walked in that abortion clinic. You killed your baby and yet you paint Jessica’s hand with the blood. You’re not only a murderer but a con-artist!” she exclaimed but at a moderate level unlike me and pointed at me, in which I was just instantly frozen with big eyes that were in a state of shock.

      “How do you know that?” I whispered and my heart began ticking, becoming faster and faster like a bomb that was threatening to detonate.

      Krystal fixed her feet next to one another and rose up out of the chair, with my eyes following her every move.

       “This is what is wrong with you Kim Taeyeon. You think no one knows you cheated on Baekhyun. You think no one knows that Jiyong just saw you a me toy. You think no o-”

      I must say that I am easily to be disappointed, depressed, agitated and even angered, but most times I can hide such things.

      That capacity and patience I had for people had run out when I came walking behind Krystal, who was talking a waltz in front of the large window that displayed the Seoul city street and she was only lucky it was her cheek that smashed against the glass rather it being the rough and dirty street down there that she deserved.

      My fingers were entwined in her black hair close from the scalp, in which I gave her a good hard yank back and then I slammed her violently in the hard glass, proving that I had completely lost my mind. I told you I was ing crazy.

      From the insides of my unsettled mind to the soles of my feet, I was burning up and shaking like a spewing volcano as I leaned closed to Krystal’s ear.

      She had screamed loudly and was hollering for me to let her go as she gripped on to my hand that wouldn’t release her from strong grasps.

       “Listen here . Listen good,” I started talking in the whisper that was far darker the night and even scarier than some ghost’s calls, because this wasn’t no ing story, but the real . This was reality.

       “Don’t you even ing think or say anything about my damn child anymore. Like I said you don’t know and if you anything else, your head is filled with nothing but . You can say I cheated on Baekhyun, I ed Jiyong, I hated Jessica and even more I kicked her out personally. You can say that, because I admit that. It’s truth. It’s facts, but don’t you ever say I killed my child or…” I hesitated in my own words when I suddenly saw the indescribable fear written on Krystal’s face.

      When I realized what I was doing to her, I gasped and quickly jumped back at the same time I lost the strength to even hold onto her hair.

        “Ah!” She screamed and pressed against the glass window for a second weakly, before she turned, looking at me crazily.

        “You are ing insane!” She screamed at the top of her lungs and I just was shaking with tears torturing my eyes as I shook my head.

       I…was just going to say I would kill her. What kind of person have I become? I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be this type of Taeyeon. , I don’t even know who I am anymore.

     “I-I’m sorry,” I told Krystal quickly with my hand reaching out for her and she stepped back instantly, shaking her head while looking at me with a reddened cheek.

      “I no longer want your ing apology. I now see the side of you that Jessica has seen. I see why she has stopped chasing after you and is not running from you. She’s realized you’re a ing monster!” She slapped me with the harsh reality and it seared right through me, tearing me in a million pieces.

      Krystal turned her back to me and escaped the room, leaving me there all alone and I gripped on to my arms, trying to get a grip of my own myself, but the wind was blowing.

      It was spreading those million pieces of me far, far away, to be forever lost and when I looked at my reflection of the glass window, I realized I’ve been wrong all this time. Jessica was right. I’m not the Taeyeon I use to be. I’m a ing monster.

***

     I tried to move on from the past, to keep going forward and to go beyond the clouds, but that was impossible for a mortal like me.

      I could only reach the clouds by stooping low enough to become a slave to this drug that I was now blowing out my mouth in complete ecstasy. I wasn’t alone of course since Jiyong was next to me when we met at his place after a jammed and yet tiring schedule.

      We both had been through so many things in a short amount of time and I’m positive that’s the reason we’ve fallen for one another so deeply and now we can’t get out of that deep hole of love. It’s simply impossible.

      I’ve learned a valuable lesson today which was that you can meet somebody tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you have known forever. Time means nothing, but character does.

      After some serious love making that involved some rolled up paper stuffed with a crushed plant and even a needle filled with a milky looking substance, we came back down to planet earth, holding each other bare .

      My ear was pressed against Jiyong’s firm chest and the beat of his heart was the most beautiful music I had ever heard.

      It was even captivating enough for it to become my personal lullaby and that lullaby rested the chaotic thoughts that were at war in mind so I could finally sleep.

      When the morning came, those troublesome thoughts reawakened in my mind just as I did, but were shunned instantly when I was met with a pair of watchful eyes.

      To wake up to his eyes every morning was a reawakening to my soul. It was as if we were reborn every time our eyes would meet and when our bodies would merely touch, electricity would simply reside there. We had something very special.

     Warm smiles were shown on our faces as we lied still in a messy white bed. Then there was a sudden movement that made a brushing sound as Jiyong scooted towards me more with his hand greeting my cheek with a soft caress.

     In reaction, I shut my eyes in complete awe from the raw feeling of his ticklish fingertips that I found to be so warm.

     There was indeed delight and if anything more, safety.

     I was safe from all those fears and dilemmas I had been faced with since the beginning of time. I wasn’t even afraid of my own self, because this person saw the real me and loved the real me.

     I only wish I could see what he could see, and then maybe, just maybe I can fix everything. I wanted to find that end, but someone told me that we had eternity. She told me that we had no end. Maybe she was right.

      “Why don’t you just live here with me?”

     There was that faint whisper that rendered me thoughtless since I wasn’t even talking so I could be rendered speechless.

     My eyes just became big with my eyebrows arching up and he kept my cheek softly, tall he thought to run his fingers in my loose, platinum hair.

     Finally my brain started cranking up like an old truck’s engine and I took in a deep inhale before I parted my lips for only a word of stupidity to fall out almost clumsily.

      “B-Bwoh?” I asked off of plump, dry lips.

      “You know since you wake up in my bed so many times and because we are so madly in love, why don’t we just live together? We can be together more. We can love more. We can do so much more,” he expressed to me in a persuasive way and the rope he had tied around my heart was being pulled on more by the very second.

      There was no point in fighting him or my heart would be torn out my chest. If I want to live, I would have to give in, to submit by letting my mind and body following my heart like some fool. This was beneath me and he knew it.

      He couldn’t play games with my pride, but obviously with my heart, because I would lose.

      He needed my pride and I needed his love.

       I even believe if our love was to be calculated by math, it wouldn’t even have a set value, but a number of infinites.

      There hadn’t been an answer for me and Jiyong left it at that. That was one thing I also loved about him. He didn’t pressure for answered or provoked me.

      He just waits and goes with the flow. Despite his negative background, he is very positive. I am finding my own self inspired.

      It didn’t matter how many showers we took before, but it always seemed each one we took together became more , sensual and meaningfully.

      The way his hands would grab my hips and pull me gently against his hot and stole my very breath away.

      Shivers would dominate my body with the vibrations of the water escaping from the shower head to my sensitive skin, wetting us to our hearts desires.

      Then that air that would be trapped in my lungs from those inhales would be expelled when he slid through my sticky wetness, reaching a spot that drove me insane and who said being insane was bad?

      I don’t know why is seemed so quiet today, but it was a peaceful type of quietness as I was looking out Seoul’s view from the living room’s window while Jiyong was upstairs taking an important call.

      With crossed arms and serious eyes, I looked at the long sleeve blue blouse I wore with destroyed black jeans that had a shimmer to them.

      If I keep wearing all of Jiyong’s women’s fashion line, he won’t have any more…maybe I should I move in.

      My brother is still with mom, dad and Hayeon. They can all still look over one another and I can come see them every now and then. That would probably be best now. Hayeon’s health has improved and she would be leading a prosperous life from now on.

      Everything seemed to falling back into place, but I can’t cover the sky with my palms.

      Slowly, I lifted my head up, looking at the wispy blue sky where not even a single cloud was in the sky. It was like a blue wall and a hole that had a blinding light piercing through it.

      You had no choice, but to look away and see the unresolved problems that were around you.

      It was the third day and Jessica still hasn’t been released.

      I was just judging her for being affiliated with the mafia and look here my boyfriend is the main connection to them.

      Well…I shouldn’t be too surprised.

      I mean this is music business and trust me there are more here since this is the biggest production of money, drugs, ion and so much more.

      It is indeed realistic to have any connection to the mafia, so I should stop judging. I should stop fantasizing and discriminating, but I can’t help it.

Every time I think of the past, my heart blackens more and more. At just the moment I thought of Krystal’s words to me, I was interrupted.

     “You keep thinking Jessica is the one who killed your baby, but you are the one who walked in that abortion clinic. You killed your baby and yet you paint Jessica’s hand with the blood. You’re not only a murderer but a con-artist!”

How did she know that?

      “Someone has been calling your phone like crazy since this morning…” Jiyong dragged off awkwardly as he looked down at my lighted up phone he had in his hand while he walked up to me in all white.

      I softly blinked and unfolded my arms to hold my hand out to him, in which he placed my phone in my palm.

       “Who is Mr. Krabs?” He asked me and I almost laughed myself as I saw the call coming on my phone.

       ‘Incoming Call From Mr. Krabs’

      With a childish smile that revealed my teeth, I looked up at Jiyong who showed a confused expression.

      I thought to answer his question by answering the call and I did as so when I swiped my thumb over the green phone symbol.

       “Hello Mr. Youngmin,” I spoke to ‘Mr.Krabs’ after bringing my phone to my ear and Jiyong’s mouth fell with a silent ‘oh’.

      He had then covered his mouth with his hand, laughing and I did so as well, while I pulled my phone away from my mouth for a moment.

      More than anything else, I truly do believe Mr. Krabs from Spongebob was inspired by Mr. Youngmin himself. He was always talking about getting his money and what CEO really wasn’t like that? I mean let’s even look at Jiyong’s CEO.

       “Yah! Yah ! Yah!” Mr. Youngmin shouted out the through the phone and I instantly pulled it away from my ear, squinting while I looked down at the screen to see if it was on speaker phone, but he didn’t need to be put on speaker to be heard.

       “Do you not know how many times I tried contacting you!?” He was literally screaming through the phone and I my lips with a soft chuckle as I looked away.

       “I’m sorry. I was busy,” I told him, speaking into the mouth side of the phone.

        “Busy!? Your schedule was open all night into the day! What were you busy with!? Do you not know of the current situation here!?” He asked me, still shouting and I just shook my head as I looked at Jiyong, who was standing there with a crazed expression.

      Yes, this is the I’ve been dealing with over ten years. You would think I would have been gotten over this, but I haven’t!

       “I’m sorry. I do not know,” I kept my respectful tone like I’ve been trained to do so and I finally was able to bring my ear back to the phone when he released a sigh of defeat.

       “You know, let me just get straight to the point. Jessica was released at eight am this morning from detention. Currently it is going on twelve noon and I haven’t been able to get in contact with her. The police aren’t releasing any statements and I’m going insane from all these calls and even more the comments flooding online. The stocks are freaking falling! You go find her! I’ll be calling back in an hour,” He said and I showed a shocked look on my face as I looked away.

      “W-Why should… wait hello?” I asked since I heard the phone click, meaning he hung up on me. This was also one of my biggest pet peeves and I literally wanted my own Salem Witch Trials for this.

     “Hello?! Hello!?” I kept snapping at the phone and pulled my hand away, looking down at my phone with a hysterical scoff.

      “Why should I go look for that girl?” I asked myself and just shook my head. You first bring her in to raise your stocks and now they are falling back down. This is your fault Mr. Youngmin and you should take care of your own .

      “Because you are her leader,” Jiyong had answered my question and I quickly turned around, with my hand snatching towards him stronger.

      “What?” I asked with a distorted face and he looked down for a second, chucking as he stepped closer to me, staring down in my eyes now.

       “You are her leader Taeyeon. She is under your wing and you have to take care of her,” He softly spoke to me and he was raising his hand up to catch my face, but I pushed it away.

      That smile on his face rotten away into a worried one and I just stepped back, looking up at him.

       “Do you still like her or something?” I asked him and he instantly laughed, looking away and then back at me as if I was crazy.

       “Are we really going to go there?” He asked me a sense of humor, but I was more serious than anything and this was the part of me that I hated and feared.

       “No, we are there now. Do you still like Jessica since you dated her before me I suppose?” I asked with my attitude slipping out and I was doing my best to push it back inside, but I couldn’t do it.

       “Yes, I do….but as a friend,” He said slowly and I wasn’t sure I was about to die or to explode then die before he had even got to the friend part.

      I guess I’m still uneasy about Jessica. Literally, every relationship I’ve had with a guy ended up having some involvement with her. Usually it was that the guy liked and even worse loved Jessica like Xia and Leeteuk.

      I’m sure any woman would feel the same way I did unless they were stupid or a .

“Friends with benefits?” I asked him with one eyebrow up and he was just finding me acting like I was on my period extremely entertaining.

       “That was Kiko before we started dating Taeyeon. Come on now. You know what I said is true every leader in a group. You can’t deny the facts,” He said and I just looked away guiltily.

      Why am I acting like this? Why do I have to be such a ?

       “I’m sorry,” I whispered to him and he wrapped his arms around me, encasing me with love and I let my arms go around his slim waist, holding on to him.

       “It’s okay. I may not understand you fully, but I will do my best to do so. That is my life’s mission from now on,” He expressed and I just smiled softly in his chest.

      It wasn’t long after when I was in the passenger’s side of Jiyong’s Lamborghini as he was driving me to Jessica’s apartment.

      I had tried calling her and it has been over six years since I’ve called her directly. I thought she would at least she would answer to me, but she didn’t.

      To hear her voicemail come on to me after about six rings, I’ve felt that same pain that I felt when she turned her back on me. That same image of her then still haunts me today.

     “Will you be okay? Should I stay outside?” Jiyong asked me as I was just staring down at my phone and I slowly looked over at his bright face and ripe lips.

     It took me a while to reply to him as I found myself grateful for Jiyong. For once I was dependent on someone and it actually felt good.

      “I love you,” I whispered to him with a grim smile and Jiyong’s expression fell in a complete love struck state.

      “I love you more,” He stated and I just chuckled. Of course he would reply differently.

     After telling Jiyong there was no need to worry or wait for me, because my manager would come for me since I had a jammed schedule today.

     With immense dread, I found myself in front of Jessica’s apartment door and I just stood there, looking at it. Open Sesame.

     Yeah, of course that wouldn’t work. I would have to knock, but why was it even hard to put my hand in a fist?

     I’m not even sure if it’s safe to say that I’m afraid, angry or even worried. I’m really at the point where I am confused and I honestly didn’t expect things to be like this.

     The only way I could bring myself to knock on her door was to imagine her crying and to imagine myself wiping her tears away. It was only my imagination.

     Knock, Knock, Knock.

That was the sound of me knocking on wood.

     Thump, Thump, Thump.

     That was the sound of my heart beating on pain.

     Like a song stuck on infinity, that same pattern of knocks and thumps continued till there was another sound, interrupting my nervousness.

Beep.

     It was just one sound and my fist froze before it could hit the door.

     There was a flushed fever on my face and an increase in my breathing as I stared wide eye at the crack of the door that was just opened to me.

     She was inside and she was letting me in also.

     I bit down on my bottom lip and swallowed on my own spit before I let my hand wrapped around her golden door knob.

     With a gentle push, I opened her door fully and stepped inside, seeing her own pair of black flats by the door.

     I raised my head up, seeing the hallway of the entry and shut the door behind me. Where did she go?

     After removing my own shoes and shutting the door silently, I gradually began to walk down the hallway where I saw a shining light down the corner and figured that was the sun coming from the windows, but when I turned I swore I saw a living nightmare that should be hidden by the darkness of the night.

     I walked literally into the apocalypse itself, which happened to be Jessica’s living room that was in complete disaster and I wasn’t exaggerating in the least bit.

     My entire body froze except for my vast eyes that were moving from left to right, scanning the devastation of broken glass that belonged to picture frames, vases and ornamental decoration on the floor.

     Flowers lay between the broken glass as if it was left for respect for the dead and I would surely believed so, while I looked at the shelves that were on one side of her living room.

     Knowing Jessica, she loved to read and those books she loved to read had fallen to their death on the floor. The pages were crushed and a few open by the accidental fall.

     I had then begun to wonder if a thief had broke in and that suspenseful thought heightened as I suddenly spotted scarlet blood dripping from a piece of transparent glass and there was a trail on her white carpet.

     My heart hadn’t even began to race yet, but it was thumping harder as I kept following the trail, passing books and scattered paper on the floor.

     With shaky hands and rough breathing, I moved around the living room slowly, going towards the balcony doors where more red blood was seen.

     In my view I had begun to see a large flower pot that was gold on the balcony, but I stopped in my steps to focus on what I was suddenly hearing.

     Someone was singing.

     Suddenly this situation had gone from suspense to horror as my heart violently raced. Most people didn’t know I am one of those people that believed in ghost, nonetheless being a former atheist.

     With my skin crawling even on my scalp, I stepped forth and literally jumped with fear escaping itself from a small scream when I saw someone no other than Jessica on her knees, gripping on the edge of the flower pot.

     To make sure I was seeing right I blinked twice and saw the back of her black and white striped summer dress while her light blue hair was in complete chaos.

     A sigh of relief was released from lips as I boldly walked closer and placed my hand on the door handle of the transparent balcony window doors, but I stopped as I saw glass seared through the bottoms of her feet.

     Smudged blood was grasping on the skin of her feet while painful droplets escaped down her heels on to the patio while she had a bottle of wine in one hand, singing to a dead thorn plant that I figured to have been a rose.

      “You say I’m crazy, because you don’t think I know what you’ve done. But, when you call me baby, I know I’m not the only one,” She was singing out horribly between sobs, but managed to hit her sopranos perfectly and naturally as she was singing an American song that I recognized to be by Sam Smith.

     She then moved her hand from the flower pot to grip the base of the dead rose plant and I part my lips in a gasp as I was watching her hurt herself purposefully.

     The hand that held the neck of a black bottle of wine went toward the soil in the pot and this was the first time I’ve ever seen anyone water the plants with wine. And, I had thought I was insane.

      “What are you even ing doing?” I asked carelessly after sliding the door open in one quick motion and she was still ‘watering’ the roses. Did she think that wine would bring them back from the dead?

      She was still singing as she was slowly tipping the bottle back and forth for the wine to come out and I scoffed in disbelief. Was she still playing the silent game with me?

      In a quick pace, I walked around her and stood in front of her with my arms crossed as I looked down at her with judging eyes.

       “Are you really drunk?” I asked and looked in the corner of the balcony to see three more bottles of wine there. Did she drink them or water her rose with it?

      When she had decided to drag her hand away from the plant, her shaky hand sat the bottle down with a loud clunk on the patio floor and she slowly looked up at me as if I was God in the flesh.

       “You are just a hallucination again, right?” She asked me with a silly smile on her face while she just cried. Yes, she just cried and in that moment she shattered my heart.

       “Again?” I managed to ask as I gripped on my arms.

      Her head lowered as she softly laughed and it was a laugh filled with such pain.

      What the hell did you go through in these past three days Jessica for you to be like this? I know you weren’t as strong like me, but you weren’t ever this weak either.

       “You’ve already told me you hate me. You’ve already told me that it was too late, that I was too late, but when I’ve lost everything, why am I still looking for you? Why am I still running after you when you’ve hurt me so much,” she was almost screaming in those silent whispers as I noticed how red her eyes were with a face pale as snow when it was summer, but she was in the winter of her life.

        “I want to know the answer to that myself,” I spoke quietly to her and bit down on my bottom lip as I watched her slim shoulders shake that were revealed from the armless dress she wore.

       It had even seemed she lost more weight in these past three days.

       I wanted to hold my hand out to her.

       Her eyes had drifted back to the bottle and I watched her grab it around the neck, lifting it to her lips.

     The empathy, the sorrow I had for her was suddenly filled with this instant rage.

      “Stop this!” I exclaimed and leaned down at once to violently snatch the bottle out of her hand successfully.

     She had yelped and screamed to get it back, but I quickly threw it over the balcony angrily, letting it meet its fate below with the sickening sound of crash.

     I up air in my reddened nostrils and turned back to her with wide furious eyes, staring at her as she was crying more like the fool I knew her to be.

      “Why did you throw him away!?” She was screaming at me angrily with tightened fists and I could smell that fruity wine off her breath.

      “Him?” I asked her with a forced laugh coming out in disbelief.

     I guess all that elegance of wine drinking finally caught up to her. She’s a ing alcoholic now.

      “Yes him! He loved me so much!” She was crying out to me and grabbed my shoulders with her frail hands, which felt like I could just shrug to make them snap in two like twigs.

      “Maybe he threw you away first,” I flipped it on her with a dirty smile and those words were sharper than any sword as I saw her shaking to the point she started hyperventilating, but I could not take any pity on her.

       “H-How can you say that?” She had asked me and let her hands drop to her side with slumped shoulders as she was just bathing in this sorrow.

      I guess she was the one who ruined her own house.

      Is she too ashamed of being all over the news now? This is not even close to shame. It was far from it.

      “I can say that because I’m looking at you now Jessica,” I told her honestly and looked her up and down, meeting her eyes in which she looked down.

     This was new drunk Jessica to me. Usually she would want to fight the world and kiss the hell out of me, but she is just self-destructing.

      “What do you see?” She asked slowly and yet breathlessly as she wobbled a little on her feet when the wind began to breeze outside.

     That question hit me and I finally was now looking at her as I saw her swollen red eyes and shaky pale lips.

     I would have sworn someone punched her eyes and the living soul out of her, but she would have a black eye if that was so and the latter was impossible of course.

     Right now as I was looking at her, I saw myself. I was afraid. I was alone. I was scared. I was apologetic back then. I wanted to kill myself and I foolishly did attempt to do so. I feel like I partially succeeded.

      “I see a traitor,” I had started off in a low tone of voice and she shivered with a sniffle when I had said so.

     In reaction, my own hand had become a fist as I held it next to my side, wanting to be strong. I had to be strong because I was born strong. I could never become weak like I did once before. I can’t do that. I won’t.

      “I see a disgrace,” My voice gained more strength as I noticed my hardened fist began to shake in response, but I went along with it as she was nodding with tears silently seeping down her cheeks, like a river trying to find its way to the ocean.

      “I see…I see a senile woman who was once my very best friend. I see disappointment, because you even let everyone down including me. I see the devil Jessica. I’ve seen the devil for the first time and it’s you,” I told her and an angry tear rolled down as she met my eyes with stillness.

     My lips pressed like two rocks together hardly, to forever seal the passage of words from escaping, because I was talking about myself. I was the traitor, disgrace, senile, disappointment and the devil.

      “You’re an angel Taeyeon,” Jessica told me and smiled through tears pitifully. When she had taken a step towards me in that next second, I stepped back scared myself.

     This girl had to be crazy.

      “How can you ing say that?” I asked confused and she kept walking towards me sloppily, till she had me cornered off in the corner of the patio, in which I stopped before I would fall over to where I threw her precious wine down at.

      “Because, when I’ve lost everything you are here. I’ve lost Tyler. I’ve lost Jaejoong. I’ve lost Blanc. There isn’t anything or anyone in front of me, but you,” She whispered to me and she raised her hand up to me, for me to take it.

     What has happened to you? Wasn’t the charges dropped? Why was she bringing up Jaejoong again? I’m so confused…I shouldn’t get messed up in this again. I refuse to replay the past. I refuse to.

     Unconsciously my hand had rose up and I realized what I was about to do, I slapped her hand harshly with a firm lip bite.

      “What happened to all that talk from before? You said you were going to give up everything and that ing includes me Jessica!” I raised my voice up as if I was chastising her and I was, because using her cold quotes before wouldn’t do any good, because I knew that wasn’t the real Jessica.

     She was acting like the ice princess everyone wanted her to be, but I knew she was really warm ice.

      “M-Must I give up on you Taeyeon? Y-You’re my only f-f,” she was blubbering between tears and she looked like a hot mess.

      “I’m not your ing friend!” I screamed and it echoed through the heavens, which even disturbed a flock of birds to run from their nest.

     How long must I do this? When will she give up!?

     I gave her a chance to properly fight me and she gives up before even the first round could get finished.

     You call yourself a friend Jessica? You call yourself my sister? Then you would have fought me, because I just might, just might have let you won, because you deserve it. You ing deserve it.

     Her chest had risen up with a drastic inhale and I spoke over her before she would be begging me on her knees. She’s already stooped down low enough for now.

      “Jessica Jung, I don’t care if you are sober or not, but it’s too late for us. There is no hope. I don’t care about what you have and don’t have. If anything I don’t want you to have my friendship and nonetheless have Girls Generation. I actually wish you never existed,” I spoke so quickly that I didn’t know I had gone to the point I talked about her even being born into this world.

     Those sounds of her crying and in pain suddenly became silent. It had felt that I had put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger on it in that very moment, because she wasn’t even breathing.

     Her eyes were just big and looking at me in the tremendous amount of turmoil.

     The only way I could escape that look was to shut my eyes and I turned around instantly, running out of her apartment, hearing the sound of glass clash around my feet.

     There wasn’t even a word from her to stop me and I was still seeing that same horrid face in my eyes, reflecting like a mirror as I was running down the sidewalk where a black van was chasing after me on full speed.

      “Taeyeon! Taeyeon what the hell are you doing!? Are you going to run twenty five miles to your photo shoot!?” The voice of my manager finally kicked in before I had made it to the gates of the apartment’s buildings.

     I had just stopped, breathing heavily and dropped my arms. Even if there wasn’t blood on my hands physically, but I felt it mentally.

     It was sticky and thick as it dripped from my palms, fingers till it reached the very ground I walked on.

     Too many voices were racing in my mind, too many thoughts, too many screams, too many fears, too many faces, too many hands were grabbing me…it was just too many.

     “You keep thinking Jessica is the one who killed your baby, but you are the one who walked in that abortion clinic. You killed your baby and yet you paint Jessica’s hand with the blood. You’re not only a murderer but a con-artist!”

     I’ve thought I buried the truth deeply, oh so deep, but somehow it’s come back from the dead.

     In that instance I knew I was about to lose the control that I’ve been fighting to hold on to for the longest and I felt it.

     I felt the changes in my blood and I had once that thought my relapse was completely gone, but as I instantly began shaking uncontrollably my eyes met hell in the state of my seizures. This was just a revisit to step one of my trauma.

     I had awakened my inner demons and I’m just now being punished. I’ve finally been caught after laughing at them to catch me if they can and I know there is more to come. There is so much more