MISTAKE

4 Years Ago

The night air was awfully chilly and stuck to my skin like honey maple on the bark of a tree, but deep inside my heart was of a lively flame, when I saw the extravagant tall figure of the male that called me out here. His back was tall and wide with a thin aligned waist, which was hugged by a black dress shirt, along with him wearing white slacks.

I had just heard the tragic news concerning him and because of that, I felt that we were falling apart slowly. I couldn't understand his situation, because I've never felt where I was being suffocated, till you had to be forced out. But, the way his lonely back faced the moon,made my heart ache greatly. I wanted to soothe him. I couldn't make time go back, because the damage was already done.

In the midst of the dorms, we met outside in the park nearby at night, when mostly everyone was sleep. The street lights around us, helped us to see one another.

I stood behind him in comfortable black stretch pants along with a sky blue sweater and placed a soft smile of affection on my face as I looked up at him and I touched his arm, to let him know my presence was here. It had been a while since we had seen each other and the last time we did, he had a lot on his mind. There were some things he wouldn't share with me, till this very moment.

"Jaejoong," I called his name as softly as I could.

Slowly, he turned around and his visage was drowned in somber sadness. He had to be sad about permanently leaving the agency,  which caused him to leave the remaining of his two members behind from TVXQ. His eyes were looking in my eyes, but they floated down like a lost white feather to the ground. My heart was taken with those eyes and I brought my two hands to his soft face, to lift up his perfect face at me. He had the most remarkable and beautiful face. 

His nose was straight with perfection, his lips soft and plump, his skin white and creamy, and his jaw line thin and structured. Then I saved the best for last…His eyes that were dark brown and big, but there was a flaw within them. Sadness.

I wasn't sure for a moment what to tell him. Everything is going to be okay? I'm here with you? 

My words weren't even able to come together when his hand like a strong heart beat landed on my wrist, then his other hand on my other thin wrist. He pulled my hands down and it was like a secret force was repelling my chest away from him.

"Jessica...let's end this,” He simply said in a low tone of voice.

Those words were like a sharp cut from a blade. The wound was there, bleeding, but because it was sudden, you couldn't feel the pain right away. I wasn't simply expecting this.

He looked directly in my eyes, telling me this and let go of my hands for them to fall next to my side.

In disbelief, my bottom lip quivered, scared to speak.

"W-What?"

Jaejoong turned his head with a long sigh extracting from his lips as he placed his hands in the pockets of his pants. As if he was suddenly disinterested, he put on another face and looked straight in my eyes, like daggers that were peircing my heart slowly.

"Jessica lets break up. It's the best for both of us...I won't be around you enough now that I'm leaving the agency...and it won't look good on your part either anyway..." He breathed and then brought his hand up, running it through his golden brown hair.

It was as if I was still in doubt, because I wanted to be. I wanted to be blind to the fact that he was breaking up with me. There was no way; he could be burning the memories of our past. Not the memory of when we first kindled a fire. I was lonely at the time and I took interest him when he was introduced to me. He couldn't take away the time that he was my first love and he took all my firsts. He couldn't take away me giggling about him to my best friend, that I had someone to love also. He couldn't be taking that away.

He was.

Icy tears sheered down my white cheeks as I just stood there, unable to say anything. Just because he was leaving the agency, he couldn't leave me. 

"Goodbye Jessica," Jaejoong breathed and walked past me. The scent of his cologne soared into my nose and it made me more desperate. I turned around, almost shaking and grabbed his forearm, making him stop and turn to me.

"N-No, we don't have to do this. We can just keep it secret," I said with my voice shaky and rattling.

"Jessica...I'm sorry. This is hard for me as well. I didn't want to let you go, because you were my first love as well, for five years. I can't believe I have to put all those years down the drain now. I never imagined it," He whispered sadly.

"Stop!" I cut in and turned him around completely, with my other hand, going on his arm. 

"I-Is it the CEO? Is he making you break up with me?" I asked, searching his eyes, but he diverted them to the side of me.

"No. I'm doing this because I know he will make us break up. Jessica, open your eyes. You've seen what he has done to me and my members, just to get what he wants. Just imagine, what he will do to just get us apart? He'll destroy you and me. He'll break us down, till we bend to his will. Can we sacrifice our members as well? I'm not wanted around here anymore Jessica. This is what I get, when I want more. When I want be more successful. When I become selfish. You always lose something to receive something more. I can't stop this," He exclaimed in a voice that tried not to shout, but it did.

My body was losing its life as each word cracked my sensitive shell and my heart ached with extremity.

"So...you’re saying...you’re choosing success over me?"

I thought you loved me.

"I'm not choosing, Jessica! I choose both of you! I'm protecting you both! We haven't won our lawsuit yet Jessica! What can I do for you!? Love you!? Then let me love you, by trying to protect you."

From the bottling fear that was spilling over, my fingers loosened on him and I began to breathe heavily. 

It felt as if it was just yesterday, when we were holding hands and smiling at one another, but that was months ago. Reality was slowly coming back to the light.

"Love? Protect? Jaejoong, you make me laugh," I tried to put on a face that seemed as if it was unbreakable, icy and cold.

"We were best friends Jaejoong...then we became lovers. And yet, you still haven't learned something about me? Why can't you try to protect my heart! I bet Xiah won't leave Taeyeon!" I screamed losing my composure and Jaejoong put his hand over my mouth, shutting me up.

"Ssssh, Jessica calm down," He whispered and looked around for the sight of anyone to hear us.

Ragged and horrid breaths played through my nose as I looked up at him, while he withdrew his hand away from my mouth that was in a tight line. Yes, I had mentioned my other best friends. Before, I had got in a relationship with Jaejoong, I was the third wheel with Xiah and Taeyeon. Somewhere Jealousy was folding in and Jaejoong saw it in my eyes.

"I've learned more, because I'm the one looking at you Jessica. Don't think I don't know the way you look at them and you bringing them up right now clarifies it even more."

 I was breath taken from him being aware of that fact.

"I don't care about that though. Right now Jessica, I just want to do what's the next best thing to do. Things won't ever be the same after this Jessica. And for Xiah and Taeyeon...they are different than us."

Different?

How were they different?

They weren't going to break up either? What do you mean? 

"T-Then why are we-" My question that was predictable was cut short as he spoke over me, rudely.

'"Jessica, it's just the way it is. Let's not take this any further. I've already decided...I'm sorry, but I have to do this," his voice was soft with refuge and it was fading away by the second, making me become empty and cold from the cool air to breeze it's way in my heart, to keep house.

He was about to walk off again, but I grabbed his hand, desperately as I looked down at it. This could be our last time ever holding hands and it was...sadly. 

"Do you love me?"

His eyes finally met mines, when I looked up in those stewing coffee brown orbs of his.

"There hasn't been one moment I haven't loved you Jessica. Ever since I met you, I knew you were the person I loved. But, now I'm sacrificing that love."

I was choked up in my tears and he brought his hands to my face, his fingertips were ticklish and light on my cheeks. Before our lips met, our hearts did in one long stare in each other’s eyes. There were no more words to say, simply because they would be futile. Nothing could change what was going to happen.

With my eyes tightly shut, I savored the feel of his soft chiffon lips, sliding ever passionately against mines and our tongues melted against one another. My hand gripped his wrist as I turned my head slightly, to delve deeper in his mouth and he did as so. This was the most painful kiss I had ever received, because I knew it was our last.

Our last goodbye.

Like a fool, I was still standing there with no one in front of me. I just couldn't believe...he was gone.

My eyes were opened to the reality, that Jaejoong just left me cold and dry. And my lips still ached and burned, missing him. There was just no way, he was in front of me, saying he wanted to end it. But, he was.

I felt like a puzzle, being jumbled up and I was falling apart as I in deep ragged breaths and produced long low cries. Slowly, with small steps, I walked toward our group dorm. I had to see Taeyeon, she had to help me in this. 

Finally, I made it within our dorm and down the hall to the bedroom that I shared with our group leader, Taeyeon. After wiping my face with my hands and making sure it was dry, I lifted up my weak hand to the golden door knob and began to twist it. When I entered our room, it was completely desolated, empty. Did...Taeyeon get called out by Xiah also? But, Jaejoong...said they would probably not break up because they were different. It wasn't fair.

This sudden negative thinking should be shunned Jessica! How can you wish for your own leader to be broken up, just because you and Jaejoong broke up?

Because I liked him first, she took him away from you.

It was as if a little devil and angel were on my shoulders, whispering in my ears.

Quickly, I ran in the bathroom and shut the door with one big swing. I was met with a smug reflection of a girl who was crying pathetically. I the cold water and splashed it on my face, making my mascara and eyeliner run and smudge. 

My bang and the tips of my hair were damp from the water I just errantly slapped on my face, but it didn't help me to refrain from crying.

Where are you Taeyeon?

I was now balled up against the bathtub, with my arms wrapped around my legs. Even if the position was uncomfortable, this was how I fell asleep. No one else would hug me, so I hugged myself. The noises of a door opening and shutting disturbed me of my sleep.

Taeyeon?

Quickly, almost animalistic, I crawled off the floor and opened the bathroom door with a whisper spilling off my lips. "Taeyeon?" My eyes widened and I quickly shut the door, leaving it cracked.

My body shook with atrocity when I looked through the crack of the door and I saw lips being locked, hungrily and passionately. It was way different than the kiss I had just with Jaejoong and found my own lips starting to burn and yearn. 

Even more, they took the toll to lay on my bed, that was larger than Taeyeon's as Xia lifted the hem of her shirt, revealing her flat creamy white stomach. My skin crawled, my blood boiled, and my tears fell as my eyes were witnessing this. If this was any other time, it could have been different, but right now it wasn't. After I had lost mines, she still had hers.

Was this envy?

Jealousy?

Were they different? 

No, Jaejoong, I don't think so, because right now in this very moment, that woman and sheathing under him complete ecstasy should’ve been me.

Taeyeon broke the kiss and breathed hotly in long breaths, as Xia her bottom lip and I wanted to fall to my knees.

"Shouldn't we talk first..." Taeyeon tried to cut in as he was tracing her skin with his fingertips. He only replied to her, once he kissed the side of her neck, whispering verily y on it.

"Taeyeon, just because I'm leaving the agency...doesn't mean I have to leave you. I know what I'm risking, but I can handle it. Trust me, okay?"

She nodded as she was spreading her legs for his hand that was crawling between it and a loud moan extracted from her lips.

"Don't be so loud or your members will you hear you," he chuckled against her ear and caused more moans to protrude from her pink lips. My eyes and ears couldn't take it anymore. I turned my head sternly and shut the bathroom door silently.

If only Jaejoong could say those words to me...but, maybe I couldn't trust him. Then maybe...

I couldn't even think right, as I heard Taeyeon start to holler. It was complete torture. I would probably think this what would hell be like to suffer all night like this. Their sounds of pleasure from kissing, rubbing, entering and the bed squeaking, was pain wrapping around my heart like rose thorns.

What did I do to get treated like this?

Back in my spot, by the bathtub, I shook from anger and tears that never ended through the night. I couldn't sleep, till morning came around four am in the morning. It had been hours of long dirty and I heard every curse word. It still played inside my head, when I finally fell asleep, when they stopped. 

It was only a couple more hours, I presume, they woke up and I heard Xia left. Shaking out of my sleep, I heard the squeal of the bathroom door open and it was like the hour of death when Taeyeon eyes widened with a deep breath. My eyes were swollen, with dark rings underneath them. The way it burned to see, must have meant they were red as well.

"J-Jessica," She called my name out and then she turned her head, looking back, reminding herself of who she was just with. The way she called my name was suddenly sickening. 

"W-Where you here all night? W-Why are you crying?"

Weren't the answers to these questions obvious?

Yes, I was here all night, listening to my best friend get screwed all night by my past crush. Yes, I was crying all night, because I was just dumped by my boyfriend and he tried to make it seem morally right, but it didn't change how broken I was. It made me reflect on the past. It made me angry that Taeyeon took Xiah away from me...but I dated Jaejoong for compensation.

Yet, the small feelings that never got to chance to bloom into love, was still sewed into my heart. I was even surprised for Jaejoong noticing. Did Taeyeon notice as well? I never thought of that. But, she seemed so happy to be with Xiah and she was my best friend, how could I let a man come between us? That's why I dated Jaejoong, but now he is gone. 

My thoughts are suddenly negative. I had to leave now.

Without answering, I stood up by using the edge of the tub for support. Sniffling slightly I tried to walk past her, but she grabbed my arm. My eyes looked up from her painted blue toes, bare legs, , and a tank top she had threw on, obviously.

"Sica," She called me by my nickname and I met her apologetic eyes.

"I thought you went to go meet with Jae," She said referring to my ex now, Jaejoong.

"I don't know who I met and right now, I don't know who I'm looking at right now," I said coldly and I snatched my arm away, speed walking out of our room.

"Jessica!" She screamed sadly and ran out, as I was going through the living room and Taeyeon, grabbed me stronger.

Taeyeon kept a good strong hold on my forearm and tore me around in a big storm. Shamefully, I was crying and she was looking at me as if she was cracking as well. Why should be she be cracking? She couldn't be looking down on me.

"D-Did Jaejoong break up with you?"

My lips shook and I covered my mouth, to not let any mourns come out, but they did. She pulled me to her and wrapped her arms around me that I wanted to reject, but I couldn't.

I gripped on her back and cried loudly in her arms, causing the members to come out their rooms, into the living room. They were alarmed in their night clothes in the morning and circled around us, calling out with distress.

"Omo, what's wrong? What happened?" These questions were asked by many of the members and Taeyeon shook her head to them, letting them know to leave me alone. They backed away a little, slightly and some touched my back, pouring me with all their kind words. This was the ‘Soshi’ bond.

"Feel better Unnie. Don't cry too much...." 

They went back slowly to their rooms and I knew they had to be listening in.

"Calm down. Everything is going to get better."

At least she didn't say everything was alright, because it clearly wasn't. And she was still wrong. It wasn't going to get better. It would be just like the past. I would be helping her sneak out with Xiah on dates and I would feel like I was being used and hurt.. It changed after Xiah introduced me to Jaejoong. I was able to hide that envious ways of mines, but no longer. Was I living in a fantasy all those times?

Through my tears, I laughed and pushed away from her hug slowly.

"That's easy for you to say," I said with a humorous tone and it wasn't funny at all.

Taeyeon looked at me completely stunned from my informal speaking, but she just shook her head, knocking it off. I and the leader were best friends, so I could get away with that, right?

"Let's just go sit down and talk," she urged in a careful voice and grabbed my hand. These hands were just tracing every inch of Xiah's love and body. I shook my head and snatched away from her. Her eyes widened with despair and her voice grew more demanding.

"Jessica! Stop this, your just make this worse for us. You know we have a fan signing today."

So, that's what this all about? 

"You mean worse for you and Xiah? I don't see how. You two are actually going to make this worse for us."

‘Us’ couldn't refer to nothing but Girls Generation, our girl group who was the top girl group of South Korea. We all dreamt one dream and sacrificed as a team.

Jaejoong even sacrificed his love. Why couldn't Xiah? 

Taeyeon ran her hand through her long dark hair that was in a complete mess from the wild they had last night. The sounds...the sounds...corrupted my mind permanently.

Taeyeon sighed and looked at me sternly.

"Jessica....I'm sorry about what you heard last night...if that's what this all about. I wasn't there to console you...but I and Xiah are different."

Different? How dare she even say that to me? Can't she see what I'm going through? Unlike the past, I had poured out everything that I had been holding in. I wanted to hold it in, because I knew I could change things forever. But, I had lost my mind.

"You two are different, because you stole him from me?" I asked emotionally and a hint of jealousy mixed in my voice.

She was taken aback, strongly and looked at me slightly...disgusted.

"Jung Jessica, do you even hear yourself now? Stop this. You can't lose your composure over one guy. Don't even bring Xiah up, he has nothing to do with this."

Nothing to do with this?

How dare she even say that?

"Kim Taeyeon, don't act like he doesn't. I let you take advantage of everything in my life, from being the leader of SNSD, then from taking Xiah. But, now I won't let you take SNSD's good name either! You call yourself a leader, and then you two should break up as well! You know what our CEO will do!" I almost yelled off my lungs and my eyes caught the sight of the dorm room doors opening seeing, the members watching now.

Stop Jessica.

I...can't. The pain was bleeding and I couldn't stop the open wound.

"You've become so selfish Jessica...and rude. Can't you see the girls watching? You're even hurting them. Show some respect."

She was even going to the lines of respect. And she didn't even say another word about Xiah. She knew I liked him. Was I even looking at my best friend anymore? I began to see the true form of everyone.

"Taeyeon, how can you call yourself a best friend? A leader? A member of SNSD? My sister? How could you go this far?" My hands were tightening in a painful fist as I stared at her with loathe. Tiffany, the next person who was the next closest of all the members to us, came running in, between us.

"Stop this you two," She begged and looked at me and Taeyeon. But, we didn't see her, just each other. 

"You'll never understand Jessica. You're never grateful for what you have."

What?

"Then what about you then? You weren't grateful enough to let me get a chance with Xia?. I see now that you knew, that I liked him."

"Let's cut this Jessica. The past is the past. You never made a move on him because you were shy. I was uncertain if it was okay to date him, but when I did, you wished me luck and smiled. Then you met Jaejoong. I thought..." her voice was cracking even though she was trying keep up that stubborn pride of hers.

"You thought wrong," I breathed heavily and I couldn't take it anymore, now that the remaining 6 members were waiting behind the couch. Tiffany was in the middle like a referee and I shook my head, as I wiped my cheeks.

"I'll be leaving first," I said and turned my back, leaving out the door.

"Jessica!" All of them cried, including Taeyeon.

How could she think it was alright just because I was smiling? She had to know that in the inside I wad crying.

You're the only person who knows every secret about me. How could you Taeyeon?

Ever since then, it wasn't the same and I can't even say it was impossible to turn around and ask for forgiveness. Because, at this time, I could have received it. But, I passed my expiration date. It was later when I betrayed Taeyeon, because I felt she betrayed me. Eye for an Eye. Love for a love.

After that, I swapped dorm rooms with Tiffany, so I was with Sooyoung. She wanted to ask so badly about more of the situation, but she didn't. It was as if all of SNSD's aura changed...against me. I was going head to head with the leader, how could they not change? 

I had decided inside my head, that I would save SNSD and truly show who was selfish. I had went to the CEO to see him and I told him about the situation going on with Xiah and Taeyeon dating. And indeed, he was against it because rumors spilling about it wouldn't be good for SNSD's part that is. 

Deep inside, I felt guilty, but by how Taeyeon was treating me...that guilt faded away very quickly.

It was the day after I told our CEO, that Taeyeon barged in my and Sooyoung’s dorm room. Tears drowned her face and she was red from her nose, cheeks and ears.

"Jessica! Is this how you treat me after all I have done for you!?!" She screamed and Sooyoung came out the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body, seeing the scene. I was on the bed, reading a book and looked up at her calmly. I was expecting this. With one hand, I shut the book and threw it down on my starry pink comforter, before I got up to stand in front of her.

"What have you done for me recently Taeyeon? I think it was just yesterday that you were arguing about me not going out for drink with the producer who was my fan boy, so he could let us perform at the Global Awards show? You know what would have been next after drinks. You’ve been through it. Do you think I'm that low now, because Jaejoong is gone?"

Her angry eyes jumped lightly and she stuttered to speak. Yes, it was a couple days ago, when she pulled me aside during last night performance, addressing the number one music producer in America. He would have us to be bigger than we were with a collab with SM. ion was part of the dark world in the music business and just because we were the number one girl group who looked pretty and innocent, don't think none of us have been ually harassed. The world isn't that sparkly. It's actually dark and I was actually just  seeing the darkness.

"I-It was our C-CEO wish..."

"And you went through it Taeyeon? That shows how closer we are getting," I exaggerated and crossed my arms, looking away.

"Is that why you went ahead and told him about me and Xiah? Because of that Jessica? You are really looking ugly in my eyes now."

"You haven't seen ugly yet Taeyeon. Keep dating him, you two will get caught and bring bad light. That's why...why Jaejoong broke up with me."

To say that last part about Jaejoong was hard.

She raised her hand and slapped my face with smearing pain. My head turned with my brown blondish hair dangling in my chest. My eyes were wide and my breath was taken away.

"Because of your own faults...you’re going after me now Jessica? Are you that angry about not being the leader since you were the first one at the company?"

The past...she was bringing up the past.

My lips shook lightly and I fought back the tears, wanting to seem as strong as her as I looked at her. "You should know that I don't care about that Taeyeon. You were my best friend and I was glad I could have you looking over me. But since I placed you to be so superior, you took away something that was precious to me. Now it's my turn Taeyeon. I'm angry...so angry. Angrier than I ever been and all I wanted to hear that you were sorry. But, still you haven't said I'm sorry. Don't say it now, because I know you won't mean it now."

I couldn't take it anymore and I bumped my shoulder against hers, leaving out the room, since she invaded this place. I had walked back to the park and I froze in my steps. And in front of my eyes and it was as if I was watching Jaejoong pulling away from me, leaving me. A silent tear found a path down my face.

As the days went by, I heard about how SM was punishing Taeyeon and threatening her to break up with Xia or they would ban him and JYJ from getting any jobs. As if they weren't doing it already. Taeyeon would cry back stage and go on stage with a big smile. It pained my heart and yet I felt that she deserved it. But, that was utterly wrong of me. I was hurting my own self and yet the hate never stopped between us. It was worse.

But, one night, it was when the members went off. Taeyeon came to me personally and told me coldly, that I was excluded from coming. That it didn't concern me and I somewhat felt like it did. I was against it and I stood up looking straight in her eyes, daringly, coming out of my place. "Are you going to have a secret meeting without me?"I asked and she laughed lightly, covering in the act.

"Far from it. As an order, I want you to stay here. We'll be leaving now. Bye."

This was how she talked to me ever since we had argued and I was saddened truly from deep within. But, how could I reverse time? 

All alone, at the dorm, I wrapped myself in covers and cried silently. What type of life was this? I was betrayed by my own best friend and she won't even apologize. That was Taeyeon, always stuck with her pride.

I heard a knock on the door and I found myself shooting out the bed immediately. To be honest, it felt weird to even be here all alone. Without even checking to see who it was, I was thinking it was at least Sooyoung coming back, but it was a face I didn't think I would see. It was the least unexpected to be honest. 

"C-Can I come in?" His voice was soft and pleasurable. And like I was hypnotized, I let him in and shut the door. My blood in my body should have froze, but instead it was hotter.

"W-What brings you here?" I asked and I figured why he would be here. It shot me like an arrow.

"Honestly, this time I came to see you Jessica."

My entire body shook and my empire crashed within myself. A tear washed down my face and I always said that Jaejoong was my first love, but it was really Xiah all this time.

"W-Why Xiah?" I asked looking in his deep brown eyes, and above them was the short black bang of his haircut. My feet stepped backwards and I gulped nervously. Still this fever of nervousness never went away. It was what disabled me from ever confessing my feelings to him...It was how I lost him to Taeyeon.

"Are all the members gone...I saw them leave awhile ago. Taeyeon told me she was going to have a talk with the girls about her birthday plans...So I thought I would take the advantage to come talk to you."

So he wasn't here for me? He wasn't here for Jessica Jung? Why would he? He was here for Taeyeon, truly.

"I'm glad...you told SM about me and Taeyeon dating. This way we can separate," He confessed and kept walking close to me, till my back was against the wall. Why was he coming so close? I looked up at him through my bang and he brought his hand up, the hair out of my eyes. His hand was like a cool breeze as my palms were lay flat against the wall. My heart froze in time with his words. But, it began to move forward, when he lifted up my chin, to breathe against my lips.

"Jessica...I've known you liked me... I liked you too since then...I just never knew how to confess to you then. Taeyeon only got me, because she was bold and I fell for her. But, it never changed the way I looked at you. I'm sorry, if I'm telling you this so late."

My eyes were two watery globes as I was taking in everything he was saying. His breathing and mines, were the only things now in my ear. Finally, after collecting all the pieces, I spoke nervously.

"I'm sorry too...for being so selfish."

These days I was and if only I knew what I knew right now, a long time ago.

"You're not being selfish. You're doing the best thing there is to do for SNSD. You've helped woke me up to see how I would hurt Taeyeon even more, than she is now.

Slowly his plump ripe lips inched close to mines as he looked deeply in my eyes. I was mesmerized and I had dreamt for many nights, when I would feel his lips against mines. For a moment, I shut my eyes and then I remembered my best friend. The day she squealed and cried of happiness with Xiah had taken her first kiss.

No.

Painfully, I turned my head, refusing the kiss and I heard him take a deep breath when I did so. I placed my hands on his built chest and pushed him away. With my head down, I spoke before he could. "Break up with her, but don't kiss me while you’re still dating her. This...I can't do this to her. I won't be that selfish."

With strong eyes, I looked up at him and I almost wanted to throw myself in his arms as I traced over his features that were like a cute puppy, but I couldn't do such a thing. Not to her...Not to Taeyeon. Not this.

Xiah laughed it off, but I knew in his eyes, he was sad to see how I refused his kiss.

"You’re one of the best women I’ve known Jessica and right now just prove how great you are. If only Taeyeon could see it."

"You've seen it...that's enough."

After that he left and I knew him and Taeyeon's relationship was the dust in the wind. Why do I feel so bad? When it did a good cause for 'us'?

When all the members came back, I remained silent in my room. Sooyoung came in and was slightly drunk. She fell in her bed next to mines.

"J-Jessica..." She breathed with alcohol reeked breath. I sighed and got of my bed, to help her remove the black blazer she was wearing over her yellow sun dress.

"Yes...Sooyoung?"

"Don't hate Taeyeon...she sacrificed so much for us...please don't hate her."

I smiled painfully and her head, looking at her heart shaped face and her lazy drunk eyes.

"How could I?"

After this...we went strong as 9 for a while. There were times when we smiled at one another, but it wasn't genuine. I tried with all my might to become friends over time, but she never forgave me. My mistakes were ten times and I would complain about them sometimes. That never made things better. And there were times, I thought she was warming up to me, but she went back cold. People thought that I was the 'ice princess'. But, that wasn't me. And I knew how she felt. It was how I felt what she had done to me. We never fought fire with fire, but with ice to ice. Amidst all the smiles on stage, sweat spilled and hard work done, it was cold. Very cold and I still tried my best. But, it became where I tried too hard.

I'm sorry Taeyeon.

2014

Just as if it was yesterday, there were many worries pouring and streaming through my mind. I don't know how I managed to not have a break down, but I kept striving hard. Over so many years, we had risen to higher fame and it wasn't easy. If anything, it was harder and we did it together. And, it was especially harder on me, because I was ready to striver higher. Individually. To be successful. And what was so wrong with that? I was ready to get married to the man I had been meeting for over a year and to start my own fashion brand called Blanc & Eclare and I did start the brand. It was earlier than planned, but it was pushed ahead due to certain circumstances. Because of that, I was being attacked. Not by an outside enemy, but by the closest people to me. My members and SM. But, I promised to both of them that I wouldn't neglect SNSD and I didn't. I may have skipped some practice, but upon shows and recordings, I was there through thick and thin. But, that wasn't enough. I wasn't sharing 'one' dream anymore. I thought that was more selfish. Even if the company put them to it, it was as if, they wanted to get rid of me. 

The question they asked me was before I flew to New York, to check on an emergency. Was: Which one will you choose, Girls Generation or Blanc & Eclare?

They wanted me to let go of my own success?

I'll prove to them that I can do it, because I can.

I choose both.

It sounded all too familiar.

After finishing up the reports in my office building for Blanc, I made it to the airport to catch the flight to China for our fan meeting, but when I was getting my plane ticket from the front desk, my phone rung. Taking my phone out my black Antigonia tote from Givenchy, I heard the small ding of my ringtone. Pushing up my black sunglasses by my brand, Blanc on top of my head, I placed my cell phone to my ear as I took my ticket and began to walk toward the line for the plane.

It was a call from my agency.

"Hello?"

"Yes, Jung Jessica, right?" The female secretary for our CEO said.

"Yes, that's right."

"I have an official notice to give you from Kim Youngmin."

"...Yes, what is it?"

"Please do not attend the fan meeting in China. And from now on you will be excluded from all of Girl Generation's Activities."

Slowly, my finger tips released my phone at the same time that my arm dropped down, and the phone fell to the ground with a loud clash that I couldn't hear suddenly. I stared into complete space and those words were the sudden kiss of death.