~엄마~

The kitchen wafts with the aroma of hot chicken soup as my son walks in.

“Mmm…. Smells delicious,” Kyungsoo says, removing his shoes by the door (something Jongin always forgets) and coming to stand behind me, “May I try some?”

A few spoonsful escalate to another bowlful of soup, and soon, Kyungsoo is having an early dinner.

“So how was school today?” I ask, dragging a chair besides him, with the idea of joining him in the meal.

“Hmmmm… Good,” he replies, totally absorbed in his food.

“Your day, or the soup?” I ask, earning myself an embarrassed smile from Kyungsoo. “You know me too well,” he mumbles into his bowl.

I ruffle his hair playfully, and offer him more soup.

“Aniyeyo,” Kyungsoo declines, explaining quickly that he has homework to finish. I nod understandingly, and offer him help if he needs it.

The moment his room door clicks shut, Jongin enters. (I get the funniest feeling that the two are avoiding each other.) He sits himself down on the chair in which Kyungsoo was in moments ago, and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

I show him my half empty soup bowl, and he immediately grabs it and starts wolfing it down. I laugh to myself: Jongin hasn’t changed one bit since he was a little kid.

I sit down beside him after getting up to serve myself more, and refill Jongin’s ‘claimed’ soup bowl. He continues to eat, not even pausing to breath, only to come up for air and ask: “Is there more chicken?”

“First eat what’s in your bowl,” I chide, but all the same, go to the pot to fish out a piece of meat for the chicken maniac.

It’s when he’s his bowl clean that I decide to approach the danger zone:

“How are you and Kyungsoo getting on?”

Silence envelopes the kitchen allowing my words to echo like a din in my head. I look at Jongin. His face is a black-board, wiped clean of any emotion. Then his spoon clatters in his bowl; he pushes his chair back, stands, and exits the kitchen, leaving me alone, staring at an empty soup bowl.

I should have just left my mouth shut – regret storms through me – yet I need to know what was going on between the two boys. I needed to know why they were avoiding each other. I get the nagging feeling that this may be more than just simply sibling rivalry, and being unable to do anything, unable to find out more, leaves me crushed like a dirty rag.

~

                    ~종인~

          With every beat of my heart, I hear Eomma’s words: “How are   you and Kyungsoo getting on?”

     I had left the kitchen too soon, clattering my bowl down too hard, leaving her in a silence too loud. How could I tell her? How could I even begin to explain? –That I, her son, had hurt the boy she adopted? That I was jealous of Kyungsoo? How could I tell her that I felt she loved me less? And how could I tell her that I was mad at her for that?

      You could say I never moved on. I keep dreaming of Eomma coming home with Dongsaeng, happy and bubbling. And each dream would turn into a nightmare as the baby dies in her arms, blood seeping from unseen wounds where her skin touched his.

I know that’s not the way it happened. And I know it’s not her fault. So why… why do I feel so angry?

I walk into the hall, silent as a ghost, and watch Eomma staring at the TV screen. My fists clench with determination. I’m sick of bottling in all these feelings, which slowly drive me insane. I look at Eomma, and decide, I’m going to tell her everything.

~

                    ~엄마~

It is late night – long past 11:00 – when Jongin finally comes downstairs. My husband and I are on the couch watching TV – well, I’m watching: he is fast asleep.

Jongin pads in, silently, and comes to stand behind the couch. I feel his dark eyes on me, and I turn my gaze from Lee Minho to my son.

His hair sticks out in all odd places, like a sea of waves. He may have bags under his eyes, but he is far from sleepy. I can see that. He looks at me with such intensity, like he’s trying to communicate a million thoughts just by looking at me.

My lips part. “Jongi–” I begin, but before his name even leaves my mouth, he runs into my arms, and breaks down.

And I hold him tight.

~

                    ~종인~

Her lips forms my name, and I can hold back no more. “Eomma!” I try to say, but the words don’t come out: my mouth has forgotten how to work.

The way she had looked at me, with such concern, with such understanding and such strong love…

I throw myself at her, and before I know it, I’m sobbing into her neck. Her arms wrap around me, and I clutch on tight to her T-shirt.

I can’t believe I ever was angry with Eomma, for what she couldn’t give me. I understand now that’s not the important thing. It doesn’t matter that I’m not the only one anymore. What matters is she’s there for me. And she loves me.

~

                    ~경수~

As the darkness of the night descends around me, and sleep grips me in her clutches, my mind strays to the past.

May 16^th. Six years ago. A day I can never forget.

            I am at home, in the familiar confines of the kitchen, surrounded by the cream walls I have known all my life. Appa walks in with a tray of hot, home-made Gyerang Bbang, when the phone rings.

      “I’ll get it,” he says, walking towards the counter, and picking up the receiver. “Yes, speaking…” he says, and instantly I know it’s another one of his office calls. I watch his face closely, trying to guess what the person on the other end was telling Appa, and when he frowns, I know it’s nothing good.

        “We’ll have to go back to the office,” he says, once he places the receiver. “I’m sorry, buddy. Movie night will have to be postponed.”

        My shoulders droop, and I sigh so loud, that Appa chuckles, and reaches over to ruffle my hair. “How about we stop at that street shop we always do, to get Hotteok on the way? How about that?”

       The idea of the sweet and gooey snack is enough to make me oblige, and soon, I am strapped into the front of the car, and we are off.

Appa never sees the other vehicle coming, and it is on us before I have time to scream a warning. Broken glass sprays in the air like confetti, and blood follows. A loud static fills my ears, and I cannot feel my leg. The seatbelt pushes into my chest, cutting off my air supply. I fight it, screaming at the top of my voice, calling to the hands that eventually rescue me from the mess.

Now sirens start blaring, and I see red and blue behind my eyelids. There are shouts and screams from all around. I am carried away from the wreck, but before I’m taken too far away, I turn to look for Appa–

And I never forget what I see:

A deep gash on his forehead, and another, slashed across his throat. Blood flows freely from both wounds, but that’s the only movement in him – his heart no longer beats; his eyes stare ahead, glazed.

And it scars me for life.

~

                    ~경수~

I jerk awake, heart beating wildly, eyes wide with fear. It may have been six years back, but every time I dream of it, I relive the entire scenario with such clarity as the day it occurred. The day Appa died. The times I was passed from hand to hand, till finally I was put in the orphanage; the many operations that followed the accident; so many sleepless nights… but the worst was always Appa’s death.

It still is.

And I cannot sleep.

I slide out of bed, and pad out of the room in the darkness. Sleep disorients me, and the hallways are still unfamiliar, so I just knock on the first door I come across. There is no response, and I know I shouldn’t bother whoever who is sleeping inside, but I am scared, and cannot go back to sleep all alone by myself.

“Eomma?” I call out, because she’s the person I really wanted right now.

No response.

I open the door a crack, and ask again, “Eomma?”

Faint light from the hallway enters the room, and falls across a messy bed on the far end. The moment I see the sheets and dirty clothes piled on the floor, I know it’s not Eomma’s room I am in.

“Wh-who’s there?” I ask into the semidarkness.

     It’s Jongin’s voice that replies, thick with sleep: “What do you want?”

     “I – I…” I stutter, unsure, now that I realize it is Jongin and not Eomma. But fear takes hold of me again, and I involuntarily take a step into the room.

     “Can I…. Can I sleep with you tonight?”

~

                    ~종인~

       Sleep clings onto me, and I do not want to wake up when the hall-lights dance on my face. I shift in my bed, and am about to hide my head under the pillow, when I hear a small voice say, “Wh-who’s there?”

       “What do you want?” I ask my own question in reply, annoyed. Anyone in their right senses should know that this is my room, so obviously, I’ll be the only person in here. The small figure steps closer, and I realize that it is Kyungsoo who is standing in my room. “I…. I ….” He begins, and suddenly gaining some confidence, steps forward and says, “Can I… Can I sleep with you tonight?”

My mind goes blank.

My heart rattles against my chest, and I instinctively clutch the thin material of my bed sheet, the only thing that hides my body from the other boy.

I couldn’t let him see me like this. I couldn’t let him see me . And what’s more, he asked if he could get into bed with me – sleep with me.

I panic.

“Get out,” my voice comes out in a rasp, “I said get out!”

~

                    ~경수~

“Can I… Can I sleep with you tonight? I….I can’t – I had a nig–”

“Get out,’ his voice is suddenly rough, all sleepiness stripped away, “I said get out.”

I do not move. I am frozen to the spot.

I know this is Jongin and all, so I shouldn’t expect to be accepted and welcomed right away. But I never, never thought he would chase me out like I am some disgusting mongrel.

     “Get the hell out.” Kai raises his voice, “Now.”

     And I stumble back with fear, and run down the corridor, back into my empty room. Tears form in the corner of my eyes. I never thought…… never.

~

                    ~종인~

     I get angry. D.O just stands there, staring at me, like he’s stupid or something.

     “Get the hell out!” I raise my voice, “Now.”

     The moment the words leave my mouth, I regret it. Kyungsoo bolts out of the room, running down the corridor fast, leaving me with my heart in my mouth.

I had panicked. Those words were my panic speaking, not me.

And now, Kyungsoo is afraid of me. Even more so than before. Terrified, even.

In the darkness, I look down at my body – Terrified, because of some dumb reason like my habit of sleeping with no clothes on.

Wae? I ask myself, Why do I keep doing this? Hurting Kyungsoo without meaning to; making him scared of me…..

I know it makes no difference, but I pull on my boxers, for Kyungsoo’s sake (despite the discomfort), and go to sleep, wishing I could undo everything I did to Kyungsoo this week.

~

                    ~경수~

I climb out of the window and onto the ledge over the roof (My house, when I was small, had a balcony onto which I’d escape whenever I felt sad or alone. The roof would just have to make do here.) I huddle into a ball and rock myself, letting the cold night breeze calm me.

I am an idiot, I think as I hug myself tighter. An idiot for believing that Kai was anything more than just Kai. That almost human personality I’d connected him with went flying out of the window. Why had I believed he regretted beating me up? He felt sorry for me? He cared for me?

I felt like kicking myself. Of course he never felt any of that. Of course he didn’t. Because he’s Kai, the popular kid, who just doesn’t have time for a sore loser like me.

And that’s when I promise myself to distance myself from Kai, and to wall myself in a box that no one will ever penetrate again.

A/N:

Omona, guys! I have so much to say!!!!

First off, I'm really really sorry I updated later than usual (I was trying to study for my French test, so I put it off),  BUT to make up for the long absence, I mashed two chapters into one to give yall an extra bite, as yall deserve for being so patient :D ~I really hope yall enjoyed.

Kai is finally fully redeemed, with Eomma's love <3 (I love this part- the end of original chapter six). And more misunderstandings, (because I love when that happens) And finally, a change of character in Soo (No, noona, he's not SatanSoo. Yet.) -But isn't that last Kyungsoo gif just....!!!!

As always, I must thank my Noona for correcting my bad Korean, as well as for giving me a full on education on korean food [She actually screenshot-ed and sent me page after page of Korean streetfood pictures and their discription, allowing me to take my pick: Kumawoah, Mon efficient Noona~] (did I just mash up 3 languages in a sentence??) and also Tiacha, who lent me her birthday for Kyungsoo's Appa's death-day cause I couldn't think up a date on my own. Also, Thank you, subbies, for subscribing; and yall who never fail to leave a comment - I'm speaking about Joelii, River, Charlene, and TY9PM_LOVER- I absolutely LOVE it when yall comment ^__^ (and obviously you too, Tiacha and Noona) 

I'm sorry about the last bit: the two POVs kept overlapping, and I'm sure it got annoying - but that was because I had to show both sides of the story. I assure you, that's the first and last time.

Gods, this A/N is like a full chapter all by itself, noh? Mianhae, guys, for taking up your time >_<"