That undefinable place between sleep and awake when you can barely tell reality from dreaming – it's the place my memories are trapped in. They aren't static but forever moving. Because it's the journey that stays. It's lasting forever in this alternate reality. In this place between sleeping and waking up.

~

That morning however, I eventually opened my eyes, his hand still on mine. So I carefully pulled out my fingers underneath his and set up on that fold-out couch, rubbing my eyes, trying to connect with this reality again.

Then I turned around and looked at Yonghwa still sleeping peacefully. He was breathing deeply with his hair fallen in his face, his eyes resting softly closed and his lashes casting a shadow under them.

They often say to sleep on it before making decisions. And sometimes after a night has passed you will have a different view on whatever it is that's bothering you. I know that our brain never stops being active. It works, it lets you breath and dream. So those little connections inside it, those synapses and nerve tracts, they continue to connect themselves, to find new ways and to expand. So we wake up and see things clearly.

And as I watched Yonghwa sleep I wondered why my brain told me now that I maybe should see things differently. Should I really neglect what could be because of pain that is only possible but not yet real? Should probabilities really cheat us out of life? Wouldn't I regret it if I let fear win? 

I sighed deeply. 

And at that he woke up.

~

When I exited the bathroom, dressed and ready for the day the smell of coffee greeted me. Yonghwa stood at the kichenette and smilingly he held out a cup to me as I entered the room. 
“Sorry... there's literally nothing in the fridge,“ he added.
I smiled back at him warmly “Yeah, it's a guys' apartment... I should have figured that much.“
„I'll buy you something delicious for breakfast after we finish this,“ he looked at me from the side, leaning against the kitchenette, his eyes a little squinted.
I took the cup and smiled again.
And taking my first sip, I could only think how much I liked all of this right now.
Yonghwa put down his own mug and cleared his throat “By the way, Youngwoo texted me... he is going to go back home visiting his family after finishing work... it's his brother's birthday... he will be back again in two days...“
I swallowed “That means I won't be seeing him anymore...well, tell him 'thank you' again...“
Yonghwa exhaled deeply, then he drank the last sips of his coffee, finally putting the cup into the sink, almost like he didn't want to react to whatever it was I just had said.
Then he seemed to consciously put back on a happy expression “Alright... let's go and get you something really delicious for that late breakfast...“
And I couldn't help but feeling a hard stitch inside of me.
Still I slapped on my smiling face as well “Alright... let's go.“ 
Then I put my empty cup into the sink as well.

~

“Are you sure? I'll buy whatever you want...“ 
“Definitly sure... let's just enter the market and eat Bibimbap, some Pajeon, fresh Baek-kimchi...I want all my favourite home-cooked dishes my granny used to make now...“
And as I faked a sad smile Yonghwa understood, even if we both pretended not to know. As if we really had no idea why I wanted to eat all of this today.

As we sat down infront of one of the market stalls the old, feisty lady running it, immediately spotted us.
“Oh my... what a lovely young couple....“ she smiled.
“Ah, thank you, thank you... could you please give us your best and biggest bowl of Bibimbap, with lot's of red pepper paste...“ Yonghwa said in a charming voice.
“Are you pretending to act cute again?“ I laughed, eyeing him from the side.
“Eyy... I'm not pretending alright..I am cute...“ he protested.
“Yeah, right... sorry to tell you...but your cute act is weird,“ I still laughed.
The lady behind the stall started picking vegetables from the large jars infront of her “Just be happy he is even trying to act cute infront of you... once you get old they don't do that anymore...“ She looked up from her jars “And look at him! Such a handsome boy... my, he is handsome... you should be happy,“ she nodded at me, then focused on preparing our food again.
Yonghwa grinned “See... this lady knows what she's talking about...I'm handsome...“
I laughed “Didn't we already have that conversation... and didn't I already admit that?“
The lady put a big bowl infront of us “Here you go“
“See, it looks extra delicious... because she likes me... thank you very much,“ he smiled brightly at her and I stared at his snaggletooth once more. 
The lady just laughed now too, shaking her head.
“Eyy, I can tell she likes me,“ Yonghwa grinned and the lady just chuckled and turned to tend to other customers.
I grinned and immediately started eating, suddenly feeling almost starved “Thank you for the meal.“
Yonghwa watched me for a second with a serious expression, his eyes strangely burning my skin. Then he started to dig in too “It's so good... see, she likes me, I knew it.“ 
The playfulness was back in an instant. I shook my head “Of course you knew...“ still focused on the bowl infront of us.
Yonghwa stopped eating and looked at me from the side briefly “For real though... I can usually tell if a girl likes me...“
I smiled and swallowed a big spoonfull of Bibimbap, shifting my focus to him “I see... so how do you do that?“
Yonghwa exhaled and took another bite of food, seemingly thinking “Well... it's in the way she reacts to what I say or do... in the answers she gives...“ His eyes wandered from the bowl infront of us to me “...or in the way she looks at me... or responds to me looking at her.“
I raised my brows, feeling a bit nervous from the way our eyes had locked. It still felt new after those days. 
But I had found my peace in my sleep.
Suddenly Yonghwa smiled triumphantly “I can tell it... and for example.... you definitly like me!“
I started laughing out loud, letting my inner pressure go, ready to keep up the front and game “Aha... and what makes you so sure about that?“ 
But suddenly his eyes turned soft, he still smiled but the playfulness had left “Well... I know now... because you've told me.“
For a second I looked right back into his eyes, feeling slighly embarrassed and another stitch in my stomache from his soft expression. Then I smiled widely and shook my head “Well... seems like I shouldn't have.“
Yonghwa took another bite and looked straight ahead, then he swallowed and turned towards me again “But I'm happy you did...and after all, I told you first anyway...“
I stared at him for a little until I didn't manage to anymore.
“Would you like anything else?“ The lady behind the stall made me snap out of my thoughts.
I smiled “No, thank you, it's delicious.“
“It really is,“ Yonghwa agreed. “Aaahh...“ and at that he feed me another bite. It was a bit clumsy and I had to laugh, chewing on the food and he grinned brightly too, his eyes glistening a bit. 

I really liked having him sitting next to me on those small stools here in that market. And all I could think at that moment was that I wished that this wasn't the only time we would be able to do is.

A little later and a few subway stops onwards we casually strolled through Hongdae, looking at the little shops and stalls, checking out clothes and accessoires. Though at this point it didn't matter anymore to me what we were doing.

After wondering around for a bit Yonghwa casually stopped at a little table infront of a small boutique, looking at the necklaces on it.
“Do you like these?“ I asked, standing behind him, slightly bending over to get a better look as well.
“Mhmm... this one looks nice, right?“ He picked up one of those cheap sliver necklaces with a cross.
“Let's see...“ I picked up the little cross dangling from the chain as Yonghwa was holding it up infront of me.
“It's nice, right?“ He repeated.
I smiled and turned towards the girl with the greenish hair behind the stall “Alright, I'll take that one...“ 
“What... why...“ Yonghwa almost protested but I already handed some bills to the girl.
Then I turned towards him again “You've paid for pretty much every meal and all the gas for my car and well... let that be my present for you...“ 
I looked at him, smiled and handed him the tiny paper bag with the necklace in it.
He broke into a wide smile, pulling a bit of a face but eventually taking the bag “Eyy... what am I supposed to say or do when you look at me like that...“
I laughed and pointed across the street “Let's just have a look at that record store over there..“
“Eyy... stop being so cute...“ he exhaled.
I still laughed “What? I'm not even doing anything right now...“
“Yeah, right...“
“No, really...“
“Yeah, right...“
“Again... broken record... that's my M.O.“
“Yeah, right...“

And I playfully kept pushing him in the side as we walked over to the record store. Both of our faces were glowing slightly.

After browsing the store for a while we started playing some of our favourite records for one another. Yonghwa had just entered a CD into the player were you could pre-listen music and put the big headphones on my head as he received a text message. 

The song playing in my ears reminded me of something by Crystal Castles. So I simply stood there, the music in my head, watching him getting his phone out of his pocket. His hair fell into his face as he looked down on it. I could see his lashes reflecting the sunlight falling into the store from the large window front. He furrowed his brows a little while reading and softly bitting his lower lip. So I stared at his full lips as he moved them slowely along while typing a reply. Eventually I let my view wonder up along his sideprofile again. 

Only few days had passed yet his face was already so familiar to my eyes. But still he seemed   just like the first time that I had taken a closer look. And I wondered if I would ever figure him out completely.

Then he pulled me out of my thoughts as he suddenly stood close behind me, carefully taking off the headphones I was wearing. “A friend texted me... he has a band as well... actually... both of our bands are quite close, we used to share a practice room... Anyway... he texted me that his band is playing at a smallish club here tonight... so... what do you say? Would you like to go?“ 
I caught myself still looking at him intently. Then I shook it off “Yeah... yeah.. sounds great. I'd love to check them out.“
Then – for probably the thousandth time today – I smiled at him. And he just returned the guesture warmly. 

~

A few hours later we found ourselves again in the apartment of Yonghwa's friend, getting ready to go to the concert. Yonghwa had placed all of his things into the empty bedroom that he would be using until moving into his own shared apartment with his bandmades. 
I stood infront of my suitcase now laying in his room too, wondering what to put on. There weren't many clothes fitting for a night out. It wasn't what I would need in the upcoming months. But eventually I spotted something suitable and decided to wear it. 

And as I got ready in the bathroom I looked at my face in the mirrow. 
Then I tried shaking off this lingering sadness that had grabbed me, putting on my outfit and getting ready to leave. And as I fixed my hair I caughed myself trying to look my best tonight. 

When I exited the bathroom Yonghwa was ready and waiting. His eyes caught me immediately and his face softened in an instant. And with too much endearment in his expression he exaled a heavy feeling.
“Honestly...you look...no... you are beautiful.“

It's simple words like these that are most powerful. Yes, those simple words knocked right through me and I felt a shiver running