I grew up not knowing what it was like to be a kid. I grew up not knowing the fun of having friends. I grew up not knowing the joy of loving parents. I grew up to nothing but yelling and fighting. I grew up being constantly scolded. 
"Taemin, a B?! Don't you want us to be happy? Why must you shame us?"
"Work till you pass out if you must, you must be perfect." 
Perfect is what they wanted. A robot. Do everything they say, no flaws. 
"No food until you play the song correctly." 
I gave them everything, my happiness, my dreams, even at times my body..
My dad ran a underground business for extra money, even though he didnt need it. We were spoiled rich, I mean how else would we have afford swimming, dancing, French, singing, piano and shooting lessons. My parents wanted me to be perfect at everything. 
This business isnt legal. I remember the first time he started it. I was the main source for this business.
"taemin come down to the basement." 
My short little nine year old self ran over to the basement stairs. I always rush when daddy calls, its not good to keep him waiting. I go down the stairs and see my dad sitting on chair, next to a mattress on a floor.
This is strange, we never go in the basement its usaully a extra storage place. 
I shiver, its cold down here. 
"Yes?" I hope he doesnt make me rehearse what I learnt in dance class today, I dont have it all down yet. 
"Come here son." My dad motions me to come to him.
I obey like the good little boy I am and walk to my father.
"Do you know why I called you down here taemin?" My father asks me, his hand on my shoulder.
I shake my head, "no"
My dad nods his head slightly and grins. "good, good." 
"Have a seat on the mattress taemin." 
I do. I scrunch up my nose, it smells funny. I want to ask dad why we are down here, but he gets angry when people ask questions, silly ones at that. My questions are always silly, so when I do aks he slaps me outside the head.
My dad reaches into his pocket and takes out his flip phone, he dials someones phone number and waits for them to answer.
"He's here." He says quietly then hangs up. 
I tilt my head. Was he talking about me? 
I look up at the stairs because someone is now walking down them. 
It's jung! My fathers friend. Jung is my favorite he always sneaks me candy when my parents arnt looking and always plays hide and seek with me. 
I smile at jung , showing how happy I was to see him. Right when I was about to say hello my father says to jung to lock the door behind him.
Why do we need to lock the door?
"Come quickly, my wife doesnt come home until 6:00 its 4:30 now." My dad says. 
Jung comes down the stairs faster, when he reaches the floor he looks at me and smiles."
"Hi taemin" 
I nod my head to jung, smiling ear to ear. 
I look to my dad next to me and see him take out his wallet, He puts his hand out waiting for jung to give him somthing- money.
Jung reaches in his back pocket and gives dad a hundred dollar bill.
"Sure is cheap dont you think?"
"Well its nothing specail." 
jung shrugs and steps in front of me.
"Does he know what he's gonna do?" Jung asks.
Dad shakes his head admireing the money he just got. 
"sweet taemin." Jung kneels down infront of me and my cheek.
"so soft." 
I blush and look away from jung.
What is he doing? 
"hey, dont look away from me, youre so beautiful." he speaks gentel to me. I look to dad for help. 
My eyes widden- hes recording us? 
"d-dad?" I bite my lip. He puts his figger up to his mouth and does a shh motion. 
Jung then moves me to lay down on the mattress, I'm paralyzed from confusion. 
I stare up at the ceiling. I hear a belt beinf unbuckled. My tummy is srating to hurt. 
jung moves atop of me, I glance down. He's not wearing pants?
A soft kiss is place on my neck. I gasp. 
I then start to panic, I start to punch, kick and scream at jung.
"STOP GET OFF OF ME." 
Jung looks over to my dad a panic look on his face, not knowing what to do.
"Well shut the brat up! my dad yells."
Jung puts his hand over my mouth, making my screaming muffuled. 
"Shh, shh taemin its okay. Please stop screaming. I dont want to hurt you. I just want to love you."
I look up at him in fear. Should I listen to him? I stop paniking. Jung smiles.
"Good boy." He says and kisses me on mouth. I close my eyes closed. Disgusted.
He moves his kisses down my neck and onto my chest. 
"Taemin, take off your shirt." My dad orders.
"It's okay I'll do it for him- taemin lift your arms up." 
I lift my arms up as jung wants. Hes pulls off my shirt and throws it to the corner of the room. Next thing I know he's pulling off my pants.
I bite down on my tongue. I'm embarssed. Dad is recoring all this and jungs going to see me !
My pants-along with underwear are taken off and where thrown to the corner like my shirt.
Jung breathes in deeply.
"Jesus, youre a real angel taemin. A beautiful peice of art." He spreads open my legs, getting a better look. I put my hands over my face. Hideing, ashamed. 
I jolt when I start to feel somthing me. 
I remove the hands from my face at sit up.
"Stop!" I yell at jung, face red. 
"Smack him across the face" my dad yells behind the phone recording us.
"B-but beuk-"
"Just do it!" 
Jung turns to me and bites his cheek, he then lifts his hand up and then slaps me.
I curl up in a ball holding my cheek that feels like its now on fire. Why jung?
"Just listen and be good, this wont hurt if you just listen."
Jung uncurls my body and grabs ahlod my wrist, putting them above my head , slightly gripping them- then letting go.
"Keep your hands up like this, okay?" I dont do anything but just lay there.
jung moves down to my lower have and starts to explore my body while start to silently cry.
Things go on from there, I'm sure you know what else that happened. 

    My mother never knew about the little business my father had. Even though I had bruises all over my body from the customers. She just assumed they were from my father being a strict man that he was. My mom was more kind to me then my father. But she was still a very cold women. At times she would take me to the gardent that we had behind our house and would tell me stroys of her childhood. But they werent the great ones- she wanted me to learn from the mistakes she made. It was normal of mother to be constanly be teaching me. I wonder if mother would have been like this if father wasnt here. I feel like half the time the way she acted is to please father. To have his aprovel.
I guess thats what this household ever was about, to impress others. 

    I dont think my mother could take my father anymore when I tunred 18. I moved out of the house by then, I couldnt stand being there a secound longer. I wonder if my mother tryed being happy with my father just for the sake of me. 
After I moved out of the house my mother committed suicided. Over dose on pills- swallowing them down with a bottel of whiskey. It didnt suprise me when I got the call of her death. Her life was a wreck with my father. He caused grief where ever he went. I didnt go to my mothers funeral. I'm sure she would understand. My father called me severial times after the funeral and left me mesages about how I was a terrible son. How the death of his wife was from a his so called "son" His insults dont effect me. Whats empty cant feel, and I am empty. 

(I will fix spelling and other stuff latter -sobs-

Thanks for reading, comment what you think!)