….

“Kanae… is dying.” Youngjae finally spilled it.

“You see, when Kanae went to Europe… she was going through medication, that’s why Himchan hyung came along with her. When he got back here, Kanae was actually with him. Kanae have been in her room lying helplessly.” He said.

“It hasn’t been long since I knew. After you got your last email from Kanae, Himchan hyung called me the next day to meet him. He told me that Kanae has been sick for a very long time, her body is very weak and she doesn’t go to school that often; that’s why we never noticed her in school before. But, after she met you she became motivated to take care of herself and go to school every day.” His voice tremble, it was hard for me to hear this from him too. I wondered how hard it was for him to actually heard from Himchan and Kanae themselves.

“But of course, her illness got the best of her after graduation. She’s been pushing herself too hard to go to work every day, so it got worse. She then underdid a treatment in Europe but there were no promises that she’ll be back to her normal state.” He said.

“Her illness is now at its final stages where it can never get better anymore. It’s just her against the clock now.” He added

“You knew all these but you didn’t tell me?” I clenched my fist. I was mad at Youngjae for not telling me anything, but I was mad at myself too.. for not being able to do anything.

“I was forced not to.” He said. Youngjae has always been so innocent. He’ll do anything anyone says.

“She made it clear to not tell you anything about this.” He said.

“So, when you said that you were in the hospital…” I said. He nod.

“I was visiting her.” He said.

“Take me to her.” I held his hand. I never begged to anyone like this, ever.

“She’s actually at home right now, there’s nothing more the hospital can do to help her.” He looked away.

….

***

My heart broke to a million pieces. I started imagining a life without the girl whom I love most. Some part of me wished that it was better if we’ve never met but some other part of me is thankful that we met that day. I quickly excused myself after hearing all those things Youngjae said to me. I rushed to her house and banged on the door

“What the hell, Daehyun?” Himchan answered the door in anger. I know it’s inappropriate but this just had to do.

“I know she’s here.” I said, panting.

“What?” Himchan asked confused. But I know he knows what I’m talking about.

“Please let me meet her!” I knelt.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.” Himchan looked at me worriedly, he pities me. I hate it when people look down on me like this. But there’s no other image I can give right now. Kanae really have changed me. He closed the door in my face.

“HYUNG!!” I shouted.

            Day after day, Himchan slammed the door on my face. My heart breaks everytime he did it. Sometimes, I can see Kanae looking down from her room. Why can’t I meet her? No—the real question is; why doesn’t she want to meet me? If she really is dying, why can’t she at least let me meet her for one last time? Why can’t she read what’s inside my heart? Why is she letting me suffer like this? Does she hate me that much? I left tons of voice messages to her cell phone but she never replied. She’s doing this on her own will, not Himchan’s.

            Himchan then called me one day. He asked me to meet him.

“What?” I asked him, pissed.

“I know you’re upset.” He said as he took a sip of his favorite Americano

“What do you know about anything?” I looked away.

“I’m his brother. When she leaves me, I’ll have no one!” He raised his voice at me. I shouldn’t have said what I said. He then took deep breaths to calm himself down.

“She doesn’t want to hurt you.” He said.

“That’s why she rejected you that day. She told me that she wished she had never told you that she loved you back because she’s aware that it was going to hurt you in the end.” He continued

“I tried to tell you that day when you went out with her.” He looked down holding back his tears. I can only imagine being in his position right now.

“I was trying to tell you that I know you’re a good person. But Kanae is very sick and I’m not sure that you can handle what lies ahead.” He added

“But now I know.” I said.

“She doesn’t let you meet her because she doesn’t want to hurt you. She doesn’t want to see you cry. She told me that she wanted you to move on.” He said.

“If I can’t?” I asked. He stood up.

“That’s a problem that you’ll have to solve on your own.” He said and left me on my own.

            Autumn struck and I still haven’t met Kanae. Youngjae said her condition was getting better, but Himchan said that this situation usually don’t stay for long. Both Youngjae and I are worried for Kanae, but at the same time, we were worried for ourselves because our debut is going to be in the beginning of spring. I didn’t want to let Youngjae or the company down because I wasn’t focusing on this career that I’m going to make, but I just can’t seem to shake the thoughts of Kanae off of my mind…

…

            I went to a lake where I can clear up my mind. I started crying because of the thoughts of all the things she did to avoid me; She made Youngjae lie to me by hiding something serious, she won’t pick up the phone, she doesn’t reply to my messages or emails and she wouldn’t let Himchan to open up the door for me. It’s killing me. It hurts that I can’t see her for just one last time. I picked up a pebble and threw it to the lake in rage.

“You’re going to hurt them.” A subtle voice said as a nice calming breeze pass by. I recognize this voice; it can’t be… can it?

“The fishes.” It said. I looked back to find a girl in a white dress and a white hat sitting hugging her knees behind me.

“You’re going to hurt them if you throw another pebble.” She said. As the wind blew her hat off, I wasn’t mistaken. It was her.

“K…Kanae?” I said. She smiled. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I jumped up to hug her and she fell on her back, I couldn’t contain myself.

“Hey, when did you become a cry baby?” She asked. I got off of her and wiped away my tears. We both sat down and I held her hands tight. She didn’t seem to mind.

“I saw you walking out from my front gate a lot.. and supposedly seeing you again is a mistake.” She said.

“But Himchan told me—Well, no, by looking at it myself, You came to my house every single day and got the door slammed onto your face every day. it was obvious that you were so desperate to meet me. I don’t get it, why? ” She asked

“Because I love you. And I don’t get why you won’t let me meet you for just a second! I know I might be a nobody to you and I don’t have the rights to get mad if you never notice me or if you don’t understand my feeling but—” Before I could finish my sentence, she suddenly hugged me.

“I’m sorry. But don’t worry, okay?” She said.

“I told you I’ll be there… Your showcase, I meant. I promised, didn’t I? And I intend to keep that promise.” She smiled sweetly. That was the sweetest smile she has ever given to anyone.

“But right now, please don’t worry about me.” She said as she stood up.

“Where are you going?” I asked but she turned away

“And I don’t want you ending up to love someone who doesn’t even exist anymore.” She looked back at me and smiled.

“So please learn how to live without me. Okay, Jung Daehyun?”She said. She didn’t even waited for me to say anything, she just walked away.

“KANAE, WAIT!” I yelled and reached out. But then everything was a blur.. what’s going on?

…

…

“Daehyun, wake up!” Someone called me in a panicking way

“DAEHYUN!” That voice screamed out to my face.

“Kanae?” I called.

“Kanae? You’ve lost your head, haven’t you?” I opened my eyes and only found Youngjae.

“Oh, it’s only you.” I said. I looked around and I was in the studio. So, it was all a dream? Meeting Kanae was all a dream? But it felt so real.

“Hey, why are you crying?” Youngjae asked. I touched my cheek and water was flowing on it.

“I…” I said

“I don’t…” I couldn’t get words out of my mouth

“I’m not sure..” I said. I kept sobbing. My chest hurts. Meeting Kanae felt so real, I couldn’t believe that it was all a dream. But at the same time, I was happy I met her after all this time. Maybe it was her way to let me meet her… telepathy I believe? I’m not sure.

“Daehyun are you okay?” Youngjae asked, he seemed worried. I shook my head.

***

            I finally got over my worries after that dream I had with Kanae. Even so, I still can’t move on from her. I stopped writing to her, I stopped coming by to her house, but I never stopped praying for her to get better. That’s what she wanted for me to do, right? I had Youngjae to keep me updated on Kanae’s situation, he said Kanae has lost 70% of her mobility, my heart was torn, but there was nothing I can do then pray for the best.

In the midst of winter, the absence of Youngjae in the studio caught my attention. Is something wrong? Did he got stuck in traffic? A call from Youngjae came into my cellphone, perfect timing.

“Hey, where are you?” I asked

“Kanae told me not to, but can you hurry and come to the hospital right now?” Youngjae sounded serious over the phone

“S-sure… I’ll be right there.” I said. I rushed to the hospital and went to the room where Youngjae informed me. The door was opened but all I saw was Kanae lying on the bed with Himchan and Youngjae looking down to the floor.

“She’s gone.” Youngjae said when he noticed me standing still by the door.

“You’re kidding. You’re kidding me right?” I asked him. Forcing a laugh. I walked by to the bed and looked at her pale face.

“Hey…” I called.

“Kanae…” I shook her body. It was still warm.

“Hey, wake up.” I shook her body harder.

“Wake up!” I started yelling. Himchan stopped me.

“Daehyun, she’s gone..” He said. Tears came streaming down my face. I knew this was going to happen eventually, but I wasn’t ready. None of us were.

“It can’t be.” I held her hands.

“I’m sorry.” Himchan looked away. There was really nothing else there could be done.

“I didn’t even tell her I loved her for the last time.” I grabbed her hands tight.

“She left you a letter.” Youngjae said and gave me an envelope. It smelled just like her.

“Idiot.” I smiled, but tears were still streaming down my face.

“Daehyun, are you alright?” Youngjae asked.

“Of course not.” I wiped away my tears.

“But I’ll pretend that I am.” I said as I put my best smile.

“You know… She came to meet me last autumn.” I said as I Kanae’s face.

“Impossible.” Himchan said. I shook my head.

“She told me to not worry and to move on.. just like she did in this letter.” I said. She still looked pretty as if she was still alive. She just had a pale complexion.

“I got to hug her for the very last time…” I said. I stood up and moved my face closer to her.

“I love you, rest well now… You don’t have to suffer anymore, okay? Do you hear me, Kim Kanae?” I whispered, I kissed her forehead afterwards. Then the doctor came in and covered her with white cloth.