Weeks has past, Himchan is back in town, without Kanae of course. I came by to their house everyday hoping Kanae will opened up the door with a smile on her face, which is impossible right now. Hmph, I’m sounding much like a stalker right now, but I really don’t know what else to do with myself. I left dozens of emails to Kanae asking how she’s been but she has yet to reply to any of them. I get that she might be busy but still… I can’t shake this bad feeling I have.

‘Slap!’ Youngjae slapped the back of my head lightly.

“What the—“ I was about to rage before I saw the expression on Youngjae’s face.

“You’re spacing out again.” He said while pointing his pencil at me.

“Sorry.” I said and got back on checking the music scores that he had written. Youngjae tapped my shoulder.

“Hey, Kanae is fine.” He said. But his face was half as worried as I was. Either he’s worrying about my condition or he’s worried about Kanae whose whereabouts are unknown for the last weeks

“How do you know?” I asked him.

“I don’t” He said.

“But isn’t that what you want to believe?” He smiled at me. He’s got a point. There’s no use on worrying when I can’t actually do anything, is there? All I can do now is just to hope for the best.

“Give it some time, okay?”

“We have things to do ourselves, don’t we?” He said as he gave me another music sheet.

“You’re right, sorry.” I said.

            I stopped writing to Kanae for a couple of weeks to give her time to write back to me. I prayed for her health and safety as she was miles away from me. There’s really nothing between us, all we know is that I loved her and she loved me, there’s all there is to it. But there’s really no status or commitment between us, and to think that I don’t have the right to get mad at her for not writing back or for me to get jealous that she might be with another guy right now is really heartbreaking.

Just as I was thinking about that, an email got in.

‘She wrote back

She wrote back

She finally wrote back!’ Was all I can think about after reading the email she sent me. Heaven knows how happy I was that night. I told Youngjae the next day and we wrote a reply to her the next day. A few days after that, we finally got a record deal with an entertainment. It was as if her reply was our good luck charm

But then again, silence from Kanae. She never wrote back anymore. Even after hundreds and thousands of email that I sent her. But because I was already too busy with training and recording for my debut with Youngjae I don’t have time to worry and I didn’t want Youngjae to worry for me too. I’d just be a burden to him if that happens, I don’t want to let him down. This is the dream that we built ever since we met and it’s finally coming true. I don’t want to ruin it for us.

Another month has passed. Still, there’s no news from Kanae. I can’t lie to myself that I was actually worrying but I can’t show it. It’ll just make a bad impression of me. That night an email got in.

The feelings of happiness, sadness and worry were mixed together at once. I was happy that Kanae finally wrote to me, she said that she’ll be here in the day of our showcase and that she told me that she loves me, but I was sad that she said that it was the last email she’s ever going to send me, and I was worried when she said that I shouldn’t look for her no matter what people say… exactly, what does she mean by that?

***

I saw Youngjae got out from Kanae’s house one day. His eyes were bloodshot. I saw Himchan embracing him as he was trembling. I never asked what was wrong because I didn’t want to add anything more to his wound, whatever it is that made him looked like that.

‘Ave Maria’ I thought as I walked by her house. The of the violin I heard were much like when Kanae played them. Can it be real? Is that really Kanae playing, or is it just my imagination?

“Daehyun?” Youngjae said

“Youngjae?” I was as surprised as he was. It was the second time I saw him got out of Kanae’s house. What’s going on? Did I miss something? Youngjae would never do something to betray me, right?

“What are you doing here?” We asked each other at the same time.

“I was just.. You know… asking Himchan… about…um… How Kanae was doing… since he is her brother… you know…” He stuttered. I know he was lying. He’s bad at lying. He’s the worst.

“I worry about her as much as you do.” He said. That, I believe.

“And what did Himchan hyung said?” I asked. Youngjae shook his head.

“He said that Kanae was doing well.. and that she’s been busy.” He said. He’s lying again. Does he really think he can fool me, Jung Daehyun, who he has been friends with for as long as he lived?

“What are you doing here?” Youngjae asked me

“I was just about to go home. It’s normal for me to walk pass here.” I said. Youngjae smiled and nod

“Of course it is. Please don’t worry too much about Kanae. Himchan hyung got that part covered already, okay Dae?”  He tapped my shoulder and walked pass me.

            After that day, Youngjae often came late to work which worries me as a business partner and a friend. I kept calling him but he never answered, one day he finally did.

“Where are you, babo Youngjae!” I yelled

“I’m in the… uh…. Hospital…” He said, my heart stopped beating for a second. The thought of my best friend getting hurt is just unbearable.

“What!? Did you get into an accident? Should I come by?” I said, panicked.

“NO! NO! DON’T! Uhh… I’m fine… it’s um… My brother who’s hospitalized, sorry to make you worry. I’ll be there in 30 minutes, okay?” His stuttering voice is a sign of him lying, but I didn’t want to doubt him this time. He really did came in to work in 30 minutes but he didn’t say anything about his brother, why he was in the hospital or why he didn’t call me earlier. I’m beginning to think that he’s hiding something from me.

            Every day I notice that Youngjae isn’t acting like his usual self. He stutters a lot and his hand were shaking constantly whenever he’s talking to me about Kanae. I couldn’t bear seeing him carry all the burden by himself. So I took him to the coffee shop we used to hang out with Kanae. My alibi was to discuss a new music to write but it was obvious I was lying, but I don’t know if he could tell or not.

“Should we start now?” He pulled his laptop out from its case but when he was about to opened it I stopped him.

“Tell me what’s going on.” I said as I looked deeply in the eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Youngjae tried to force a laugh

“Do you think you can fool me?” I asked him, raising my voice a little bit.

“I’m Jung Daehyun for Goodness sake! The person who has been with you for as long as you lived. I know when something is wrong, Yoo Youngjae!” I said. Youngjae looked away.

“Tell me.” I plead.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t.” He said.

“You don’t have to carry this entire burden yourself.” I said.

“That’s just the price I have to pay.” He smiled. I bet it took a lot to smile like he just did.

“I’m going to ask you one last time; Tell me what’s going on.” I said. Forcing him to tell me what was going on. What is it that I missed? Why am I left behind not knowing anything?

“It’s about Kanae, is it?” I asked him, his hand started to tremble. That was the respond I dread.

“Whenever I talk about her, your hands tremble. I saw you walk out of her house that day. Your eyes were bloodshot; Himchan hyung hugged you to calm you down. Tell me, it about her? What’s going on? Is she okay?”

“I can’t tell you.” He shook his head. He definitely have changed. Youngjae never went against me. So it is about Kanae, it’s something serious.

“It’ll kill me more if you don’t tell me and you know better than that!” I raised my voice a little bit more, but quiet enough to not let anyone in the coffee shop hear us.

“Please.” I begged.

“…” a pin drop silence fell across the room.

“…” All I heard in that silence was Youngjae inhaling.

"Kanae..." He said

“Kanae… is dying.”