Sometimes Jonghyun is fixated on the should’ves.

Should’ve taken that scholarship to go to boarding school instead of moving into a dorm with five people he didn’t know and was forced to get along with, to eat and sleep a minimum and work according to an irregular and seemingly never ending schedule.

Should’ve talked more to Yoomi. Taken the time to tell stories and laugh more when they studied side by side every evening in her room. now the only time to see Yoomi is on weekend and during short vacations between activities. soon enough Yoomi will get married and move away. when will he ever have the chance to make fun of her stupid crushes again?

Should’ve helped mom more often. Ever since dad left, mom has been working so hard, barely had time to take a break anymore. and with youthful ignorance he used to mistake tiredness for indifference, and distanced himself from her as retaliation. Mom’s getting old and though he has been trying to make up for the time he lost, he knows he’s never getting it back.

Should’ve not gotten so attached to dad. Because the man left him without a proper goodbye or an explanation. And sometimes that feeling he got when he realized he had been abandoned still comes back to haunt him, stopping him from getting close to someone and waking him up tearful and shaking in the middle of the night.

And he sighs.

Sometimes Jonghyun is obsessed with the what ifs.

What if he can’t keep this up anymore. Everyone has told him to go this road means no turning back, that he’s gambling when he picked a life path so soon because when he’s chasing the childhood dream of standing on stage, his friends are going to college and opening so many doors, so many more doors, to themselves.

What if growing up means growing apart? The van has become less and less noisy, with everyone lost in his own thoughts when moving to one place to another. What if one day they don’t work together anymore and Jonghyun is the only one that feels something about it, just like with his dad?

What if…

Other times Daniel takes his hand and pulls him out of their room when he’s brooding to go to the park to look at people running, at children playing, at cute dogs and adorable couples so that they could smile, or to the movie theater to see some inane cheesy movie that just came out so that they could laugh noiselessly and shake and get angry looks from fellow spectators.

Daniel rests his head on Jonghyun’s shoulder. It’s heavy and uncomfortable and it hurts but for some reason it calms Jonghyun down, and each of them takes baby steps into the other’s world.

And he smiles.

For all the things he has done wrong, he must have done something right. And the future is suddenly easier to face.

In those times he’s thankful.

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A/N: it's been a long time! the comeback certainly gives me so much motivation to finish the drabble. :D