Some regrets are worth having.

I was in an ocean. My limbs were numb and wrinkly from staying in the water too long, my senses disorientated. But strangely, I could breathe. Wondering how I was breathing under water, and why my lungs were not crushed yet, I looked to my side to find a large tube rising from somewhere deeper. The tube was attached to my nose with a clip. So that was how I was breathing…

But what was I doing here in the first place?

I was swimming around in an endless ocean, without any direction or reason. The ocean was exceptionally empty. Normally wouldn’t there me stones and corals, sea creatures and anemones? I could only see the deep blue depths, tinge of green here and there, nothing else. It was not necessarily bad; it was quite peaceful, floating in the waters. The silence was deep and unsettling, although kind on the ears. But it did get boring at one point. I was moving, but very, very slowly. It didn’t matter before every space was the same as before, just water. I dragged the snorkel-like thing with me to help with my breathing wherever I went.

Wondering how long I would have to roam these watery depths, I tried to spread my limbs and swim faster, so that I could get somewhere. But as soon as I tried, my body protested loudly, pain shooting up from every corner of my body. I doubled over in pain, praying for it to stop, apologising over and over and again to put strain on my arms and legs.

Suddenly, I saw the shadow of a hook-like object drop down. I floated toward it, curious. But it was a mistake – the hook caught on my shirt, and just as it did, I felt a force pulling me upward. I tried to resist but I couldn’t. An immense force was pulling me up at an insane speed, I was hurtling up through the water. In the scuffle, the tube disintegrated from me and water, like a jet of molten lava, entered through my nose, filling my airways. I thought my lungs would explode.

I was being dragged up and up until I broke through the surface of the water, finally being able to breathe air. It helped to cool down the burning in my chest but I needed water. My throat was parched.

“Water! Water!” I cried but no sound escaped my lips.

“He’s saying something,” I heard someone say. I was shocked because that was the first sound I had heard in a long time. I felt someone swoop down over me.

“Water!” I said again, this time managing a squeak.

There was a rush as some odd noises wafted up to me – clicks, beeps. I felt a drop of water drip down to my chapped lips. I my lips greedily, wanting more. A gentle flow of lukewarm water was sent down my mouth, some of it dribbling down my chin onto my chest. I didn’t mind, but whoever had offered me the water did. That person brought a small towel, and soaked the water away.

“How are you feeling?” a familiar voice asked. I cracked open an eyelid, just to make sure – it was indeed Woohyun, looking at me with concerned eyes.

“Woohyun,” I said, feeling relief. He touched my forehead reassuringly, heightening my sense of relief.

“Thank God,” he muttered, brushing the hair out of my eyes. Bending down, he kissed my forehead. His touch was helping to ameliorate the pain that was spiking now and then on my limbs.

“Woohyun, how’s…” my throat still hurt and I couldn’t form complete sentences.

Woohyun however started replying.

“Youngjae’s fine, he got out the moment he sensed the explosion. Stupid Sungyeol, he went back for us and got hurt in the process. A concussion, but it’s all better now. Minji tried to give Hana the slip and they both got into a scuffle, they both ended up hurt. Hana got a fracture, Minji has broken ribs. As for Sunggyu, they wouldn’t let him out of the psychiatry ward. Apparently they are still assessing his mental condition, he’s not hurt that bad.”

I tried to process everything he was saying. My mind was moving a little slowly, so I needed to catch up. I supposed Woohyun paused to let me catch up. When I had finished processing the information, I nodded at him to continue. Woohyun however looked confused. It didn’t seem like he had plans to continue.

“Er…I’m better now, but they wouldn’t let me out until another week.”

I noticed now that he was dressed in a pale green patient’s pyjamas. He sported a bandage on his forehead, and a canola was poking out on his other hand. One of his eyes was blackened but I assumed it was getting better. There were several small scratches marring his handsome face. I wondered how bad I looked.

“You had a surgery. A piece of rod,” he winced painfully, whether because he was in pain or because thinking of a rod made him feel horrible, I didn’t know, “pierced your stomach. They removed it, don’t worry. But yeah, you’re not going anywhere in a while.”

He finished with a small smile and I saw a bit of the old Woohyun in his battle scarred face. But he had still missed the most important point.

“And?” I prompted.

Woohyun frowned, his hand stopped brushing my hair.

“And what? That’s everyone.”

“Sungjong?” I asked, looking into his eyes hopefully.

The moment he heard the name, his eyes changed. I didn’t need him to tell me anything, I knew. The way his eyes looked troubled, the way his fingers shivered slightly on my forehead, the way his lips parted guiltily, I knew.

I felt a cry of anguish rip through my throat.

Woohyun got up, afraid, pushing a button, no doubt summoning the nurse to calm me down. But I couldn’t be pacified, I was a man who had just lost everything. A guttural noise escaped my lips as I tried to tear myself away from all the machines I was attached to. I wanted to be in that ocean again, the endless, noiseless, empty ocean where I would be sheltered from all these feelings that threatened to rip me into pieces.

Everything was a blur. There were shouting, more beeps, and something cold pricked my skin. In three seconds, I felt myself dipping down into the peaceful ocean again, my tears mixing with the salt water surrounding me.

This time I woke up with less fanfare. I had slipped in and out of consciousness several times, but every time the pain was too excruciating for me to bear it. I had sought comfort in the calming silence of the ocean, which numbed my pain and my body. But it was getting more difficult to go deeper into the oceans. It seemed the world wanted me to feel the raw pain in my body, in my heart. I was to be punished for who knew what crime I had committed.

As expected, Woohyun was by my side. He was still wearing his hospital pyjamas, the bandage in place. The blackness on his eye had gotten better, the scars had mostly healed. I wondered how long I had been passed out like this.

When he saw that I was properly awake, he took my hand in his and whispered, as if continuing the conversation from before, “Sorry.”

I closed my eyes. I wanted to tell him it was alright, but it wasn’t. I didn’t want to speak to him, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him that. So I kept my eyes shut tightly, ignoring Woohyun’s hands squeezing mine. He deserved it, for not being able to save Sungjong, for not even trying.

I knew it – he hadn’t tried, even when I had asked him to. He hadn’t gone back for Sungjong. I realised it the moment I had climbed a few stairs, so I had gone back. But with the smoke and the thick dust, I couldn’t see where I was going. Then something sharp pierced my side and I fell on my knees, howling with pain. Someone had picked me up and helped me up the stairs, leading me out. Who had it been? I roughly remembered strong arms, muscly shoulder – it had been Sungyeol. He had then gone in again, this time for Woohyun. But Sungjong, no one had tried to save him.

Weren’t there any of Sungjong’s team to save him? Had he been that foolish and arrogant that he had gone there all alone? Had he thought nothing would go wrong?

Woohyun was gone, I couldn’t feel his presence anymore. He was probably hurt. I should have thanked him for saving Sunggyu hyung, but I knew he had done it more for him than for me. Even then, I shouldn’t have been so mean to him.

“Hey, Woohyun said you’re awake.”

I opened my eyes because I recognised the voice – it was Sungyeol. He was wearing his long overcoat. There was a band-aid pasted across his jaw. Smiling, he put down a single rose on the table beside my head.

“For you,” he said.

It was relaxing to see Sungyeol, who looked the least like something horrible had happened to them. It was almost as if he had come to work, a little cut on his cheek from shaving in the morning.

I asked him if he knew what had happened. His face got darker.

Fumbling with the third button on his overcoat, he told me grimly that Star Destiny was totally destroyed, save the basement. Sungjong – he didn’t name him, only said ‘the guy’, had planned to blow the building up but it seemed like he hadn’t put any explosives in the basement.

“It was probably supposed to protect him, but I don’t how he was going to get rid of you guys then. Maybe he’d have shot you.”

The only accomplice he had was apparently waiting for him with a helicopter on the rooftop. However that didn’t happen, since ‘the guy’ had died before he could make his escape. The helicopter flew away – they were still looking for who it was chartered to.

Sunggyu hyung’s name had been cleared - Lee Sungjong had been pronounced the murderer of Kris and Dr. Ok, with Minji as the accomplice. Sunggyu’s case files were gone, the Intelligence was furious with the precinct for losing them – they had threatened to put everyone associated with the case on probation. Minji was still not talking about the STR; she denied knowing Sungjong or anything to do with the drug gang. She didn’t deny killing Dr. Ok though. The STR right now was as good as a figment of their imagination.

“There were no explosives in the basement you said?”

“Nope,” he confirmed.

That was odd. If his main aim was to kill all of us, the easiest would be to blow us up. Why was Sungjong there in the first place? He could just lure us in and let the explosives do their job. Why had he been standing with us, knowing how risky with us? Why had he told us everything, his plans? Was it just him being arrogant – gloating about his achievements? He didn’t even have to reveal he was Blood Lily, we would have no idea. No one suspected him, he had the best cover. So why? Why did he do all this?

The more I thought about it, only one logical explanation rose to my mind – he wasn’t trying to kill us, he was clearing Sunggyu hyung’s name. As crazy as it sounded, that was the only reasonable explanation – Sungjong had nothing to lose, Sunggyu hyung was being framed as the murderer and no one would have ever found out it was him since the only witness was dead. Hyung could have never defended himself or tell on Sungjong; even if he did, no one would believe him because the CCTV clearly showed he hadn’t gone out.

What had baffled me so much during the case now cleared up. I could see it, as plain as anything – Sungjong hadn’t meant to kill Kris, only persuade him. But it had turned ugly, Kris had ended up dead. Sungjong had seen an opportunity, to get rid of the files in which the STR and the Blood Lily existed. So he had Dr. Ok drag Kris’ body half a block away, so that the murder case fell within the jurisdiction of our precinct. He had planned it all, from beginning to end, in that short time span. It was perfect too, until hyung’s name was brought up and he had to step in.

Despite understanding all this, I needed the answer to one vital question – why did Sungjong care? He was Blood Lily, he was ruthless, he was callous, he was a drug lord – so why did he care if hyung got framed for a murder? Surely, it had happened before; he framed innocent men to survive. So why did it matter that it was hyung this time? He couldn’t have actually grown to care for hyung, had he?

No – I remembered his icy eyes, they that held no emotion whatsoever. The world was his playground, for him to manipulate things and people. He wouldn’t care for anyone.

So why?

In fact, why had he come to us at all? Why had he come into our lives, why had he given so much to us? He had cared for Sunggyu hyung, he had genuinely looked after his needs. He had cheered my up when I was losing myself to depression, gave me something to live for. He had kissed me like he meant it, and all the memories we shared together, the nights we spent in each other’s arms, why had he chosen them?

It was too much for me to think that I was the reason, that I had something to do with it. He hadn’t loved me. He had apologised, but he never once said that he had truly loved me. So what was all this for?

The answer was very simple, but I chose to ignore it. I didn’t want to think that he had come into our lives to be close to Sunggyu hyung, who was the key to getting to the classified files on him and his stupid cartel. Couldn’t he just have gotten the files some other way?

It was too much for me, all at once, my head started to thump. Sungyeol had probably seen me wincing – he asked me if I was okay. I told him about the pain, and he called for the nurse, who gave me a heavy dose of morphine. The effect was instantaneous, the pain was soothing and my eye lids grew heavier. Before I knew it, I was lost in deep slumber.

We were both panting heavily. Our hands were all over each other, our breaths hitched as our clothes rode up our bodies, until they were discarded unceremoniously.

“I love you,” I moaned in Sungjong’s neck. He grunted, throwing back his head in pleasure. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” I repeated, at his skin. He shivered beneath me, and I could feel his excitement, it was electrifying.

“You can’t – we-can’t-make-so-much-noise,” he managed in small breaths as I moved down his chest, my mouth working furiously on his skin. “Hyung-will-wake-up.”

“I love you Sungjong,” I said plainly, not listening to his logic as I grunted loudly when his nails dug into my back. “I really truly love you.”

I was so happy to be here, with Sungjong. This intimate moment that was shared between only the two of us. I was so happy that I could cry. Hyung was sleeping in the next room but with the two of us, there was nothing else, no one else. It was a world for just the two of us, no intrusion, no interruption. We were one, right here, right now and there was nothing more real, more solid to me than Sungjong. I could feel his legs, his arms, his teeth and his breath. Nothing was more perfect than this.

Despite everything I have lost in life, everything I had never gotten, despite all my regrets, I felt happy.

Sungjong’s grip around me tightened, as he pulled me closer. He kissed the tip of my nose, biting a little to elicit a moan from me.

“I love you very much.”

“I know.”

A sheen of sweat covered my body when I woke up. I hadn’t realised I had been crying in my sleep. Sniffing, I wiped away the tears. I had no idea what day it was, what time it was, where the others were. The saddest part was, I didn’t even want to know. I felt hopelessness engulfing me. There was no purpose to my life, I sought no enlightenment.

Now that Sungjong was gone, what would I live for?

I wondered which was more painful – the fact that he had betrayed me, or the fact that he had died? Would I have forgiven him if he was alive? Had I not tried to attack him, there, in that basement because I was so mad at him? Then why was crying for him?

What was the right thing to do? Should I just be in love with Sungjong’s memory and not let Blood Lily mar it? Or should I just forget him for hurting me so much, for being a despicable man with no heart?

I tried to delude myself into thinking that they weren’t the same person – my Sungjong and Blood Lily. They couldn’t be the same person, they were so different in every aspect. It couldn’t be…

Lee Sungjong was my lover, he was Lee Howon’s brother, he worked from home so that he could care for Sunggyu hyung – he made me complete.

Blood Lily, on the other hand, was a cold manipulator, a distorted man, the emperor of the drug world.

I didn’t want the latter, but without him, there wouldn’t be the former. What was I supposed to do?

As I felt sleep claim me once again, a small thought occurred to me, just as the black curtain fell. It was delusional, it was insane, it was stupid. And yet, I held on to it.

Maybe my Sungjong would come back to me someday…

Was loving him a mistake?

But if you return me to the beginning again, I’d have loved him once more.