Chapter 9

XXII.

Frowning, Woohyun tightens the knot around Sungyeol's neck.

"Hey," the taller boy protests. "Are you trying to strangle me or tie my tie?"

"Both," Woohyun replies grumpily.

He's pissed off because Sungyeol has an audition to go to, whereas he doesn't know what he's going to do in the future. All the students at the school have by now, more or less, gotten replies from universities. They all have a set goal, a destination, but Woohyun is just spinning out of control, hurtling towards the unknown future. How is he supposed to just go around and cokcy and cool if he's constantly worrying about whether or not he has gotten a place, anywhere, any university.

"You're not even out school and you're doing auditions!" he exclaims, giving Sungyeol's tie one final tug.

"I told you, my cousin's husband knows the CEO of the company, that's why I get to audition," Sungyeol says exasperatedly, having repeated the same thing over and over again to both his friends, who refused to believe his luck.

"In no time you'll become some famous actor and whatnot." Jealousy is evident in Woohyun's voice.

It's not like he's not happy for his friend, he is just frustrated for himself. He's worried, anxious and it's not just him; he's worried about Sungjong too. He also hasn't received any reply from the universitites. Besides, he is acting quite strangely - being absentminded and sensitive. He knows something's bothering him, and he's sure it's Myungsoo and probably the impending seperation from him, but he doesn't understand how he can help. Sungjong wouldn't listen to him - he's still adamant that he doesn't love Myungsoo.

"Yeah right, like it's that easy," Sungyeol remarks snidely, checking his reflection in the mirror. Suddenly, his phoone beeps. Picking it up, he checks his text, a crease appearing between his eyebrow. Woohyun's about to ask what's wrong when he throws his phone away from him, pulling his tie lose. His face is scrunched up in apparent anger and disappointment. Before his friend could stop him, he has ripped apart two of the top buttons of his shirt.

"I can't do this...I'm pretending like it's all okay when it's not okay! Sungjong..."

The rest of his words drown in a howl and he throws himself onto his bed, hiding his face in his hands. Sighing, Woohyun checks Sungyeol's text - it's from Sungjong, a simple 'Good luck' message that was supposed to cheer him up, not throw him into hysteria.

Woohyun comprehends what's wrong. It was only two days ago that he told Sungyeol about Sungjong and Myungsoo, with his friend's permission of course. He would never do something Sungjong really dislikes. Sungyeol did not take it well. He's been throwing fits like this ever since. He even confronted Sungjong, demanding an explanation even though Woohyun said everything there is to say. It is obvious that Sungyeol feels betrayed, hurt, and lost. In his mind, Sungjong has committed a crime, broken rules that dictate their friendship. But even more importantly, his feelings for Sungjong were insulted. It's complex, and Woohyun understands that, but he wishes his friend would show a little more support for Sungjong, given everything he's been through. It's not making it any easier on Sungjong, who, conflicted and torn, has more things to worry about now.

Lying down beside Sungyeol, on the bed, Woohyun says, in a soothing voice, "Look, I know it's hard for you but Sungjong wants Myungsoo-"

"When Sungjong was 5, he almost drowned!" Sungyeol bellows, cutting across him. "He almost drowned and do you know who saved him? I did! I was there at the lake with my dad and when I saw his white hands in the water, I knew it was him. I extended my hand and reached out for him. That was a sign! That was a freaking sign - I am meant to save him! It's supposed to be me! It's not that damn Kim Myungsoo, it's me. After all these years, after everything I've done for him, don't you dare tell me that Kim Myungsoo mended him because he did not; it's supposed to be me!"

There's still silence in the room for five minutes. Woohyun has closed his eyes. He has been expecting this outburst but until now he couldn't have gussed the content. Finally, everything becomes clear to him, well, as clear as things can get with people like Sungyeol. He's the kind of person you wouldn't normally give too much thought to. He laughs too loudly, his actions are big, and people are content to believe that's all there is to him. Myabe that is his fault - he's always thought about Sungyeol two dimensionally, forgetting that there is a bigger person behind the whimsical high school bully, who likes to experiment with drugs and alcohol.

"I'm sorry," Sungyeol finally whispers, close to his ear. He can feel the boy pressed against him. "I just...I feel so worthless. I feel like I didn't do anything for Sungjong, I didn't try hard enough."

Woohyun shudders, because that's how he sometimes feels - he didn't try hard enough with Sungjong. But that doesn't mean he cares any less for his friend. Maybe it was meant to be anyway, because Myungsoo is the perfect person for Sungjong. Neither Sungyeol nor him is not enough for Sungjong, not right for him.

"It's okay, Yeollie, I'm sure Sungjong knows...everything you've done for him. He didn't tell you about Myungsoo before because he was trying to spare your feelings."

"I don't know what to do, I feel so lost."

"Maybe you should look in a different direction."

Sungyeol sits up. Staring at his friend, he asks, "What?"

Woohyun sits up too. Loping an arm around Sungyeol's shoulder, he says with a smile, "For starters, put your tie back on. It's time for the audition."

"I don't think I can do it," Sungyeol says timidly, looking down at his hands. He looks nervous. It's the first time he has been having confidence issues so Woohyun is a bit confused about what to say. "It's just, I always have you guys by my side and I know what to do. But this...all alone..."

Getting up from the bed, Woohyun takes Sungyeol's phone and dials Sungjong. It will either be brilliant or very stupid - Sungjong is not the kind of person who can say magic words and make others feel better. He's not the most sentitive person in the world either and he's probably new to this nervous and insecure Sungyeol too, so it's a big risk. Maybe he would say something that would end up making Sungyeol feel worse, but at this point, with time running out, Woohyun has no better plans.

"Hey Yeollie, on your way?" Sungjong answers.

"He's just setting out," Woohyun says, handing the phone to Sungyeol, who looks terrified. He has force the phone into his hand.

"S-sungjong?"

"Hey man, it'll be awesome huh? We'll have an actor friend," Sungjong's voice floated through the speaker.

"It's not that easy-"

Sungjong scoffs.

"If they don't make you an actor, it's their loss. And our gain."

"Your gain?"

"Yeah, we get to hang out with you for a longer time."

Sungyeol tenses visibly.

"I'm not leaving you guys."

"That's not possible. Even if you try, even if you become a snotty famous actor, I'll find you and we'll hang out. But, I know you'll never leave me. I just know."

Seeing the tears bloom in Sungyeol's eyes, Woohyun gets up and leaves the room. It would be prudent to give the two best friends some time alone. You can't deny the past, and Sungyeol and Sungjong has the kind of past that Woohyun would not be able to understand, to feel, even if he tries.

XXIII. 

Sungjong’s gotten into a University. And by some miracle, Woohyun has gotten into the same one. The two friends are happy - they didn’t dare to hope that they would actually get into a University, and getting into the same one, no matter how bad it is, is a miracle indeed.

Sungjong meets Myungsoo that evening, who tells him the good news – he’s gotten into Seoul University.

“Congrats,” Sungjong offers without any real enthusiasm. He should be happy; he’ll finally be able to get rid of Myungsoo.

“But,” Myungsoo says quietly. “I’ve decided to go to your University.”

Sungjong doesn’t understand what he’s saying the first time. When he repeats it, Sungjong’s ballistic.

“What? Why did you apply to my University? That’s rated so low that no University lists ever list it. You’re brilliant, you’re smart – why the hell do you want to go to a University like that?”

Myungsoo chuckles a bit, making Sungjong even angrier.

“Do you really not know?”

Sungjong knows, and that is why he feels so guilty. This anger is just a projection of his fear – if Myungsoo really goes through with this plan, he would be responsible for ruining his life.

He doesn’t want to ruin Myungsoo’s life, not when he has given him so much.

If it wasn’t for Myungsoo, he’d probably be a high school drop-out by now, taking up drug dealing and what-not.

How could he push Myungsoo toward the same future as his?

“I don’t want to know because you’re going to Seoul University,” he speaks with finality, and Myungsoo looks taken aback.

“Why? We’ll be in the same place, don’t you want that?”

“No.” He doesn’t add the fact that it’s going to hurt like hell.

Myungsoo stares at him. His lips start quivering and the tears that has dammed up in his eyes start falling fast.

Sungjong sees a struggle in his eyes through the curtain of tears, as he struggles to hold it in. Crouching over, he raises his hand to his mouth to stop the sounds escaping. Sungjong has never seen Myungsoo cry so helplessly, and he doesn’t know what to do, how to comfort him.

“You still want to get rid of me – don’t you? You just want to get away from me,” Myungsoo slurs through his tears. “Well there’s news for you – you won’t get rid of me. I’m going to the University I want to, and that is wherever you are.”

XXIV.

Mrs. Kim looks genuinely surprised, and she keeps on staring at Sungjong even when he has sat down in front of her in the kitchen. This is where Myungsoo and his mom were, the day he heard him confess his feelings towards him. The memory makes him uncomfortable, but he’s come here with a mission he can’t fail.

“This is about Myungsoo,” Sungjong says redundantly. She nods. “Did he say anything about which University he’s going to?”

She gives him a small smile.

“Of course the one you’re going to.” She doesn't even know the name, because Sungjong's university is just that, a nameless piece of junk.

But she seems so calm about it when he’d expected her to start shouting at him for leading her son astray.

“He wanted to go to Seoul University,” he mumbles, ashamed.

She nods again.

Sungjong sits forward on his chair. Taking a deep breath, he says, “Mrs. Kim I have to ask you for a favour. Please convince your son to go to Seoul University, please. He deserves to be there, and I’ll never forgive myself if he doesn’t get to go there because of me.”

He’s close to tears and that surprises him. Tears don’t come easy for him but right now, he could break down and cry.

“Why?” Mrs. Kim simply asks.

“Why?” Sungjong’s now on the verge of tears and he doesn’t know how to respond. “Why because – well, I care about him. He – he changed my life for the better and it would be a poor repayment if I-”

“Do you love my son?”

He halts mid-sentence. He didn’t expect to be asked that question. He’s asked himself the same thing so many times. But he’s never tried to hear the answer because he was too afraid. He doesn’t want to sort out his feelings, in the fear that it will be too much for him to handle.

“I – I don’t – I don’t hate him.”

She laughs, patting Sungjong on the back. He doesn’t know what’s so amusing in what he just said.

“Sungjong, my son loves you. And if you love him – if you don’t hate him – you have to tell him that yourself. Tell him what you want and why you want it. He’ll only ever listen to you.”

“Why me, Mrs. Kim, why did he pick me?”

It’s not a rhetorical question, he really wants to know. Would the mother have an answer where the son doesn’t?

She winks at him.

“The world works in mysterious ways Sungjong. Maybe Myungsoo was meant to break you.”

He’s too stumped to answer. It's an epiphany for him.

All this while he thought he had broken Myungsoo, when in reality, it is just the opposite.

Myungsoo broke him.

XXV.

Myungsoo listens, as if mesmerised, to Sungjong. He doesn’t interrupt or argue; he just stares at him with wide eyes and listens to him.

“And we’ll meet once every month, at the playground,” he finishes.

“No, every day,” Myungsoo says stubbornly. He’s pushing his luck here, but he can’t help it. Sungjong just gave him more hope than he could have possibly hoped for – it was too good to be true, and too true to be not real.

“That’s too much, you have to study. And I – I have to study.”

Sungjong couldn’t believe he just said that. But it is true – if he wants to stay at the University, he has to study.

“Every weekend? Please?” Myungsoo is biting his lips nervously; his hands are clasped in front of him like he’s saying a prayer.

“Every weekend,” Sungjong agrees.

He doesn’t know how long they can go on like this. Truth be told, he’s not very hopeful. But if this is what it takes to send Myungsoo to Seoul University, he would even swear to it.

Honestly though, it’s a countdown to the days when Myungsoo finally gives up because it’s too tiring. There is no way they can last, no matter how much they love each other. And as for Sungjong, he doesn’t even know if he loves Myungsoo or is he just taking him on a wild goose chase.

Myungsoo can probably read the troublesome worries in his eyes as he leans in closer. At first Sungjong thinks Myungsoo would kiss him. But he holds out a hand in front of him.

“Take my hand and we’ll make it I swear,” he whispers, his voice trembling and yet determined at the same time. There is no one within earshot, but Myungsoo still whispers, like he’s telling him a secret.  His ear tickles and it’s a beautiful sensation. “It will be worth it.”