Chapter 7

XVI.

“I took advantage of you.” Myungsoo's voice is soft and steady, like falling snow.

“What?”

Sungjong can’t believe the words Myungsoo is saying – they don’t seem right, coming from him. And it is so unusual that he’d lie – but it can’t be right. He knows it’s ridiculous, Myungsoo would never dare; yet he can’t explain why a tiny particle of him wants it to be true.

He doesn’t remember anything now, but there is a chance that bits and pieces of this mamory would come to him one lazy summer day - he’d remember how glazed over Myungsoo’s eyes had been, how his clammy skin had felt underneath his fingers, and he would smile, unknown to himself.

For now though, he can’t even imagine…

Myungsoo is smiling sheepishly. When Sungjong glares at him, he lets out a giggle.

"You're red," he points at him, making Sungjong feel self-conscious. He quickly turns away his head, making Myungsoo giggle louder.

“I’ve always wanted to cuddle with you in bed, feel you against me. That's all I did.”

Of course, what was he thinking?

Why was he even thinking of strange fantasies – he doesn’t like Myungsoo that way.

Mentally vituperating himself, he tries to remember how he ended up in Myungsoo’s bedroom, again. The evening is hazy – he recalls going out for a drink, alone. And that one drink turned into a few bottles. He was feeling dizzy – he remembers trying to call Sungyeol. But instead, he’d texted Myungsoo.

His face burns brighter as he remembers the texts. What was he thinking?

“The texts – they meant nothing, you know,”Sungjong says carefully but earnestly. He doesn’t want Myungsoo to think anything has changed between them, although so much has already altered. So much... Myungsoo would have to be blind not to see, and Sungjong is past the point where every little change is a dagger to his heart.

Tapping his fingers on his desk to a rhythm only he knows, Myungsoo is silent for a whole minute, deep in thoughts. He then says, as if in a trance, “Nothing is a big word.”

Sungjong answers instantaneously.

“Nothing is an easy word.”

“Not for me.”

Sungjong is at a loss of words. He knew this would happen someday, he was afraid of it.

He picks up his cell phone from the bedside table, where Myungsoo put it, and starts going through his contacts.

“What are you doing?” Myungsoo asks curiously, leaning towards him.

“Deleting your number,” Sungjong replies, finally finding the number Myungsoo saved in his phone. He’s about to press delete when Myungsoo’s hand covers his. He looks up to see the stricken expression on his face.

“Why?” His voice is constricted.

Sungjong shakes his head and proceeds to complete the action when Myungsoo puts both of his hands around his, clasping them, with a fearful look in his eyes. He looks terrified as he gazes into Sungjong's eyes, a desperate plea dancing across his trembling lips.

“Because I can’t hurt you like this anymore. Because I die a little every time I see that hopeful expression on your face dissolving into something more painful. I just...I just wake up hating myself for it, so it’s best if I stop it here.”

Sungjong doesn’t notice but he’s breathing heavily, his chest heaving. He’s never spoken words he meant so much. There’s an odd tension in his stomach as he voices his fears and expresses how he really feels. It’s strange for him to admit to the feelings, but he couldn’t deny them anymore. The silent storm inside him refuses to be restrained anymore, and he knows he will waste away if he tells another lie, or keeps another secret from Myungsoo For what it's worth, he confesses to his crime, hopes Myungsoo can be the redemption he needs but doesn't deserve.

Myungsoo's reaction is the opposite to what he had anticipated - instead of loathing, he sees forgiveness in his eyes.

“I don’t care Sungjong. I don’t care that you’re holding back for some reason; I don’t even want to know the reason. I just want us to be like this forever.”  He moves forward on the bed, closing in towards him. Their faces are inches away from each other’s and for some reason, Sungjong doesn’t feel suffocated. “I want you to text me when you are drunk. You chose me when you couldn’t think straight. I love the fact that when you don’t know how to feel, you think about me. That’s all I need; that's all I want, even if it hurts.”

Sungjong doesn’t understand Myungsoo. At first he thought he had him figured out but he is wrong. Myungsoo’s loyalty runs deeper than blood, his love is warmer than lava. What is a boy like that doing with him? He deserves better, and he probably could do so much better than him - someone who would treat him the way he should be treated. And yet Myungsoo chooses to revolve around Sungjong. Has he really seen too less of the world to make up his mind or is he just a fool? There’s no logic in the world that could explain his choices.

“But why?” Sungjong wants to know, his voice angry and pleading.

Myungsoo smiles slightly, as if it’s no big deal, as if he just didn’t commit to something that is just as good as self-destruction.

“I would explain but I don’t think you’ll understand. It’s simpler this way anyway,” Myungsoo says softly. His voice is smooth and his eyes are full of promise. He draws closer to Sungjong; the colour of his eyes has changed, Sungjong thinks; they are a deeper and warmer shade of coffee now. “If I can’t be by your side, at least let me be your shadow.”

With that, he leans in and kisses him. It’s the first time Myungsoo initiated a kiss and even though Sungjong is not in control, he enjoys every bit of it. He lets himself drown in the hammering heartbeats and blood rush as he clings onto the back of Myungsoo’s neck.

For once, he lets his guard down and revels the feeling of being swept off his feet.

XVI.

 “What happened to you? You used to have a pair, now look at you. This isn’t you, Sungjong,” Mir spits out spitefully.

Sungjong gulps. Mir’s right – this isn’t him; this isn’t something he would do unless it was Woohyun or Sungyeol. In fact, he is the kind of person who’d beat up other people just for the fun of it, the rush of it, just like Mir.

And yet today, when he saw Mir dragging Myungsoo by the collar into an alley, he had followed them and demanded Mir to stop.

Why is he stopping for Myungsoo? Who is Myungsoo?

Sungjong used to be the storm, now he is barely rain. He barely grazes the surface, when once he used to go deeper than flesh. Once again, he doesn't have an answer for Mir. It's like he can't defend his actions anymore, like he isn't even thinking anymore.

“Look I don’t know what made you want to be this kid’s patron saint, but don’t get in my way, alright?”

Mir’s face is contorted with rage and as he glares at Sungjong with flaming eyes, his hand tightens around Myungsoo’s neck, causing him to yelp in pain. Sungjong looks at the boy in pain to find him squirming against Mir’s hold, his face turning bluish from the lack of oxygen.

“Let go of him, I said!”

Sungjong slams into Mir, who wasn’t expecting the sudden attack, and lets go of Myungsoo. It doesn’t take long for Mir to recover from the shock and he throws Sungjong off of his body. They are staring at each other, their eyes burning and their chests heaving as the adrenaline flow gradually settles down.

“What is this really about, Mir?” Sungjong asks in a pointed tone.

Mir has probably understood what he’s implying because he sees his eyes flash angrily as he grabs Myungsoo by the elbow again and pushes him forward. Sungjong still doesn’t take his eyes off of Mir.

“You want him?” Mir challenges in a cold voice. “Take him, go ahead.”

Sungjong blinks, his eyes traveling over Myungsoo’s face for a fraction of a second. He sees fear there, but even more than that, he sees anticipation. He will become Myungsoo’s saviour.

But what right does he have to save Myungsoo?

“No, keep him.”

Glancing at Myungsoo’s face one last time, he walks away into the night, ignoring everything behind and ahead of him.

XVII.

“Don’t get me wrong. I know he’s good-looking, and he has that damn-care charismatic air about him that makes him attractive. And he is nice to the people he wants to be. But the way he treats you…”

Woohyun leaves the sentence hanging because Myungsoo, of all people, would know. He hopes he doesn’t sound too accusatory; it’s none of his business after all. Yet, he can’t help but muse about the puzzle that is Kim Myungsoo, and the mystery that is his love for Lee Sungjong, who knows how to hurt and not to heal.

It seems wrong to him – the way Sungjong behaves with Myungsoo, the way Myungsoo clings on even harder. He doesn’t know if he can change anything between the two, but for now he is curious about what makes Myungsoo come back, every time, without reason or regret.

Myungsoo is sitting on the low wall beside the abandoned playground. After Woohyun found Mir using him as his personal punching bag, he’d rescued the poor kid and warned Mir copiously about trying to repeat his feat.

“Sungjong cares about him, and he won’t take this lightly,” Woohyun had said in hopes to quash any future attacks towards Myungsoo. In reply, Mir had smirked in an ugly fashion and let him know that Sungjong had swung by already and did nothing to stop him.

“Plus,” Mir had said, “Whatever reason Sungjong chooses to hang out with this kid, I’m sure I’ve already punched it out of him.”

Woohyun was sure he heard a tint of jealousy in Mir’s voice. Maybe Myungsoo was not a random kid Mir had picked on; maybe he chose Myungsoo in a fit of jealousy. After all, he had wooed Sungjong for a long time. That didn't end too well for him, of course, and he has been bitter ever since. Even though he hasn't tried anything funny on Sungjong himself, his sudden rage towards Myungsoo explains that he had been keeping an eye on Sungjong, that his feelings are far from gone.

But what he can’t believe is that Sungjong just let Mir have his way with Myungsoo – after all this time he thought that Sungjong had developed at least some feelings for Myungsoo.

He watches the dishevelled boy, wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, carefully. The skin around his right eye is turning bluish, but the nosebleed has stopped. He’s not sure if Myungsoo can answer him in this condition – personally, he had been in worse but it’s probably the first time for the other.

When Myungsoo speaks, his voice is low but steady.

“I used to live in the States when I was younger. I have a cousin, who used to live with us. She was a fan of Super Junior’s Kyuhyun. He’s an idol,” he adds when he sees the look of confusion in Woohyun’s eyes. “She loved him so much; even though she didn’t speak Korean or understand a word of what Kyuhhyun said or sang, she loved him. She bought their CDs, stayed up late listening to their music, voted for them on music programs; even exams couldn’t keep her away from him.” Myungsoo’s eyes glass over as he recounts his time spent at the States.

Woohyun watches with fascination, wondering where this story will lead to.

“Then, when Kyuhyun got into a fatal accident, she cried for him, prayed for him, she even wanted to kill herself because she said she didn’t want to live in a world where there was no Kyuhyun. But he didn’t even know her. To him, she didn’t exist.

Woohyun nods slowly, finally guessing where Myungsoo might be going with this. He isn’t extremely clear on the conclusion he is trying to draw, but he realises that maybe love works in mysterious ways, ways he never considered before.

“My point is,” Myungsoo ploughs on, “Love is unconditional. Sometimes you love the person for the way they treat you, the way they love you, but there are times when you just dive in headfirst into a black hole and you fall, fall through the darkness because gravity is pulling you like crazy and you have no power to stop it or fight it; no way out or up, so you just keep falling, praying frantically that one day he’d feel the same way about you.”

Nothing remains to be said after this. Woohyun feels a little ashamed that he didn’t think about it so deeply, or so simply. Instead, he just repeatedly questioned Myungsoo’s actions, and vituperated Sungjong’s. He had even thought Myungsoo was a fool. Maybe he is, or maybe he is just…

“Sometimes our choices are limited.” Myungsoo can probably see the shadow of the internal conflict he is going through reflected in his eyes. “Personally, I’d have it no other way.”

He offers Woohyun a smile; Woohyun can’t help but smile back because Myungsoo’s eyes are sparkling like polished diamonds – clear and vibrant. There is no weakness there, or sadness, only love dotted with determination.

And all of a sudden, Woohyun is jealous of him. He would give anything to be in Myungsoo’s head right now, feel what he is feeling. His insides ache to know what kind of love could make you so serene and so strong at the same time. He wishes he loved someone like that, so that all the pain he’s ever felt will be worth living through.

“Besides,” Myungsoo adds thoughtfully, climbing down from the wall and brushing dirt from the seat of his pant. “All the pain I’m feeling now will only amplify the happiness of being with Sungjong, someday.”

He glances back at Woohyun with a small smile that the latter reciprocates.

“Someday,” he intones, waving at the retreating figure of Kim Myungsoo – the boy who loved.

It’s amazing how much one person can affect you so much.