Chapter 8

XVIII.

“He’s changing, Jongie is. And I’m sure that Myungsoo kid is behind it. I don’t like it one bit, he doesn’t hang out much with us anymore, who knows what he does. What if he’s seeing that kid?” Sungyeol’s voice sounds panicked as he looks at his friend with narrowed eyes, creases between his eyebrows.

Woohyun feels a moment of panic as he doesn’t know how to explain the relationship between Sungjong and Myungsoo; worse still, he doesn’t think Sungyeol will understand. Besides, with the kind of animosity he seems to harbor for Myungsoo, he might even do something stupid, like beat him up or threaten him. They wouldn’t be enough to stop Myungsoo, but the poor kid already has so much to deal with.

“We have to bring him back to his senses,” the tall boy announces firmly, getting up from his seat and punching his fist onto his palm.

“Look Yeollie, what if Sungjong actually likes Myungsoo?”

He looks at Woohyun as if he’s crazy. Then he grimaces.

“Myungsoo? The nerd? Sungjong likes him? You’re hilarious! It’s all a daze, Sungjong’s lost in a daze, he’s chasing a mirage.”

Woohyun bites his lips. He doesn’t know exactly what to tell his friend; Sungjong’s confused as it is without wise words from Sungyeol. How do you even explain the love between two of the most unlikely people?

“He might like him. He might care about him,” he tries softly, careful to look away.

Sungyeol rolls his eyes, then holds up five fingers.

With a hint of pride in his tone, he says, “You’ve known him for five years; I’ve known him for all my life. I know Sungjong’s story. I know why he is the way he is. He can’t like Myungsoo.”

Woohyun is now confused.

It is true that Sungyeol knew him for longer, but Woohyun is more perceptive. He thinks he knows everything there is to know about Sungjong – he’s had a difficult past, so he’s stopped caring about things that seem unimportant to him, but that doesn’t mean there is not a person in there, a person who can't be moved or loved. What could Sungyeol possibly know that he doesn’t?

“People can change Yeollie.”

“Yeah, but if Sungjong changes, it will destroy him. He changed once, because he couldn’t deal with things. He changed to cope with life and if you alter him again, back to what he used to be, he’ll fall apart into a thousand pieces.”

Sungyeol looks almost fearful, biting his lips nervously as if he expected Sungjong to fall apart any moment now.

The words sink in. Woohyun now knows why Sungyeol is always so protective of Sungjong, why he tries to ward off anyone who gets close to him. He’s afraid that he would see his best friend break down again. Knowing Sungyeol, he wouldn’t be able to deal with it. That’s probably why he introduced Sungjong to Woohyun. He realized that Woohyun could be there for him if anything happened. He expects Woohyun to keep the calm so that the waves in Sungjong don’t rise again.

This worries Woohyun a bit – he’s always thought Myungsoo would be good for Sungjong, but what if he had the opposite effect? Is Sungjong really falling apart? Is Sungyeol right?

Rather than restoring him, is Myungsoo breaking Sungjong even more?

“Do you want Sungjong to never love?”

Sungyeol looks down, embarrassed. It probably sounded a bit too accusatory. He his lips with his tongue.

“He can love me,” he mutters, his eyes fixated on the ground.

That startles Woohyun; he can honestly say he’s surprised. He hasn’t expected this. Sungyeol is Sungjong’s best friend, they are close, Sungjong cares for Sungyeol more than anyone - but all of that didn’t prepare Woohyun for this. He had actually thought…

“Why-”

He doesn’t know how to form the question. He’s disappointed terribly, of course, because he actually thought he has a thing with Sungyeol. How can his perception be so wrong when it comes to his best friends?

“Who would love me if Sungjong doesn’t?”

Sungyeol lifts his shoulders. His eyes are bright. Woohyun loves his eyes – they are always bright, even when he’s crying or screaming, or being a complete idiot.

Woohyun has an answer for him, there is someone who’s ready to love Sungyeol for who he is; although, now is probably not the time. He doesn’t want to spring a confession on his friend, catch him by surprise and have him mess it all up. Five years ago, when they had become friends, Woohyun had no idea this would happen. He’s never found Sungyeol attractive, even though he is regarded as tall and handsome. But somewhere along the way, he’s developed feelings for him, fallen for the quirky, funny, idiotic mess that he is.

Woohyun loves Sungjong, but he has always felt this barrier between, impenetrable and infinite – a sort of understanding that Sungjong will never be his. He’s kind of ashamed that he gave up so quickly on Sungjong, even before he started, but maybe Sungjong deserves someone stronger, like Myungsoo.

It might be silly to think Myungsoo’s strong, because he is falling all the time and breaking his bones, blindly running after smoke and shadow. But it takes strength to wait, patience to persevere, and courage to love – Myungsoo has it all.

If Myungsoo can wait for Sungjong forever, Woohyun can wait a few more years.

 “Woohyun?” Sungyeol asks.

“No,” he replies quietly.

Sungyeol looks confused.

“He won’t.”

“What do you mean?”

Woohyun shakes it off. He doesn’t tell Sungyeol, but he trusts Myungsoo. He knows Myungsoo is right for Sungjong. He just knows. He won’t break Sungjong, and even if he does, he will fix him.

We lose ourselves in the things we love, we find ourselves there too.

XIX.

It’s a memory that still haunts Sungjong in his sleep in the form of nightmares. He can visualise it clearly, like an onlooker who saw it happen all those years ago.

It was winter, cold and bleary – a little boy was drawing teddy bears on the fogged-up window with his fingers. His parents were in the next room, talking in very loud voices. He didn’t like it, but he was told not to go into the room. Then suddenly, there was a shriek from his mother. The next moment, his father came out, the tall handsome man with hair that fell into his eyes, with Sunkyu clinging to him. Not even glancing at Sungjong, he left the house, slamming the door behind him. His mom hurried behind him but stopped in front of the door, hysterical, banging her fists against the wall and wailing loudly, cursing at the man who had just robbed her of her son.

“My son, my only son!” she cried. The words pierced the little boy beside her, who was trying to stop his mom with his little fists.

“Mom, it’s going to be alright,” the boy said in his high-pitched voice, his 5 years of experience in life telling him that it was the proper thing to say to comfort someone.

When she didn’t stop crying, the boy went to the kitchen and poured a glass of cold water, struggling to get the bottle out of the fridge and unscrewing the top, then using the chair to get a glass from the dining table. Running back to his bedroom for his favourite story book, he brought the two items to his mother. He offered everything he thought would help her – a cooling drink to soothe the pain, and a distraction to take her mind off things. Clearly, she was feeling under the belt. Maybe it was because his dad just left with his younger brother, but until they came back, he would have to watch over her; after all, he was a ‘big boy’ now.

Nothing worked; his mom’s wails grew louder and louder, and she had resorted to banging her head against the wall.

“Mom, what is it, what will make you feel better?” the boy asked desperately, tears leaking out of his eyes. He hated to see his mom hurt, he could do anything to make her feel better.

“What do I want?” his mom screamed, scaring him, but he didn’t leave her side. “I want your brother back! I want Sunkyu!”

The boy made up his mind. Pulling on a cashmere scarf that was hanging on the rack, he wrapped it around his throat, and put on his coat, buttoning it all the way to the top because that was how his father had taught him to do them during winter.

“I’m going to find Sunkyu mom, so please wait for me. And don’t cry, I’ll be back really soon.”

With that, he slipped out of the door and ventured out into the cold, dark night, his boots munching on the snow-laden ground. His mother didn’t move from her bent-over position against the wall as the door creaked and then slammed shut.

He hadn’t seen which way his father had gone but during winter sometimes, his father took them to the small lake behind their house. It would be frozen over, and his father would teach him how to ice skate. When his mother would scold him, causing him to cry, his father would take him to the lake to make him feel better – they would play together on the ice until they were hungry. Then they would go for ice cream.

Maybe his father had taken Sunkyu to the pool because he had been fighting with his mom. He trudged towards the lake through the snow, trying to make out the silhouette of his father.  When he had reached the edge of the lake, he looked around, no sign of his father and brother. He called out, loudly, but his shouts vanished into the air. Shivering, he walked onto the thin ice of the lake, wondering if he couldn’t distinguish his father’s figure because it was too dark. His eyesight had never been too good, at least not as good as Sunkyu’s, so his mom always reminded him to take his glasses along. But today, he hadn’t brought them.

The next bit is a blur. It consists of the most painful experience in his life, unimaginable pain and excruciating suffering, biting cold and deathly suffocation.

It was as if someone had filled his lungs and throat with icy water that burned and clawed at his insides and dragged him deeper and deeper into the darkness. The fiery liquid was everywhere inside him and his head felt heavier every moment. He tried to pull himself up straight but he couldn’t; he was being dragged, headfirst, by a sea monster into a gaping hell. He called out for his mom, his father, but no one came to his rescue. The world fizzled out into darkness in front of him.

When the memory became sharper again, he was in a hospital. He opened his eyes to Mrs. Lee, Sungyeol’s mother, who had been looking after him. She had a kind and caring look in her eyes, but he wanted his own mom. Even though Sungyeol played with him all day after he came back from kindergarten, he wanted to see his father and Sunkyu. But they never visited.

He later learned that Sungyeol and his father, who had come to the lake to play, had found him, drowning and unconscious. His mother had been informed but she didn’t visit him until five days later, once she recuperated from the loss of Sunkyu.

That face of hers, he will never forget. That grim, unemotional face, her dead, haunting eyes – she didn’t even look at him when she spoke and scolded him for running away out of her sight.

“But mom, I was trying to find Sunkyu for you, to make you feel better.”

His mom looked shocked, but she didn’t say anything.

“I love you, mom.”

“There’s no such thing as love.”

Maybe there isn’t, but Myungsoo believes in love. It’s only fair he gets someone who believes in love too and that’s definitely not him. If anyone in the world deserves a happy ending, it's him.

“I’m less than a man Myungsoo. What do you expect from me? I can never give back even an inch of everything you have done for me. I’m nothing.”

Sungjong has never been so afraid. He feels weak and nauseous. He wants to beg, he wants to apologise. He just wants Myungsoo to leave him alone. He’s promised himself that if Myungsoo leaves, he wouldn’t go looking for him.

“You may not think you’re much, but you mean everything to me,” Myungsoo replies quietly and the words burn Sungjong’s skin.

He wishes he would stop talking. He doesn’t want to listen to Myungsoo’s reasoning; he hates him so much.

He thinks about what he wondered before – that there is a question he wants to ask Myungsoo but he isn’t brave enough to know the answer. It is a simple question, one that needs a one-word answer and there are only two options – yes or no. but whatever the answer might be, he knows he can’t handle it.

He settles for another question.

“What if I hate you one day?”

Myungsoo looks at him quizzically. Does he think he’s speaking nonsense? Maybe he is spouting nonsense. He is not himself, he realised that.

“I’ll be okay, is that what you want me to say?” Myungsoo says, smiling.

He’s noticed that every time Sungjong asks him a difficult question, Myungsoo smiles. The smile is really sweet and pure. His lips vibrate a little, giving one the impression that they are dancing. It’s cute.

“No, you don’t have to say anything. Just be quiet, very, very quiet.”

He leans forward, his hands automatically reaching for Myungsoo’s elbows. He tugs on him gently, enough to make sure their torsos are almost touching. There and then, he feels the moon in the cloudless sky swoop on him and heave on his chest as his lips move closer to Myungsoo’s.

He concentrates hard on Myungsoo’s lips, and when they meet his, he feels an explosion in his stomach, like a thunder taking over the sky.

The questions can wait.

XX.

“Which University are you applying to?” Myungsoo asks.

Sungjong has been expecting this question. Ever since their graduation has been drawing nearer, all the students seem unusually nervous, and it’s all because of University admission. Even Sungjong, who doesn’t usually care about what other people are doing, has to think about this matter. He's talked with friends; it wasn't an easy conversation. Sungyeol’s not going to University – he wants to try his luck and become an actor. It's a mystery as to why he would have this sudden urge to be an actor, but Sungjong suspects that it might have something to do with Woohyun prodding him in that direction. He might even be successful, with his looks and all.

As for Woohyun, his parents are forcing him to go to University. He's not too surly about it; in fact, something in him seemed to have changed. He's a lot calmer these days and Sungjong has found him staring at Myungsoo quite a lot. He doesn't want to bring it up with his friend, but he can't deny it doesn't send a pang of jealousy shooting through his heart every time they smile at each other.

Sungjong really doesn’t want to study anymore. But he doesn’t know what he wants to do in life either. His mom probably wants him to go to University; at least that’s what she wants for Sunkyu. So he’s decided he might as well try to get into one; he can drop out any time if he doesn’t like it.

The problem is, with his abysmal school records, there isn’t a lot of Universities that would be interested in him. Certainly not the top ones. And it’s not like he’s ambitious or anything; he’ll make do with any place he can get. But he knows that Myungsoo, the top student of the school with a clean record, will definitely get into the top Universities.

Well maybe this is the break he was looking for. Myungsoo will go his own way, and he will be rid of him forever. That’s the end for them. Myungsoo will find a smart guy or a girl, or whoever he fancies; they will be nice and understanding, not at all like Sungjong. Whoever he chooses will believe in love, just like him. He’ll be happy.

“Sungjong?” Myungsoo prompts.

He mumbles a few names. Myungsoo should know what kind of Universities he will be aiming for, he shouldn’t just ask him and embarrass him.

“Oh,” Myungsoo mutters. “I’m going to apply to Seoul University.”

No surprises there and Sungjong knows he’ll get in.

A few more days and it will end. That’s what Sungjong wants anyway.

It’s all going to be okay.

XXI.

"Hey Woohyun, can I talk to you for a second?"

Woohyun has his arm around Sungyeol - the two of them were making their way to the rooftop to skive off History class. Finding the person behind them to be Myungsoo, Sungyeol is livid. He bares his teeth, ready to spring onto the boy but Woohyun grabs his waist before he can move. While Sungyeol spews a couple of choice swear words at Myungsoo, Woohyun simply watches the boy. Whatever he has to say must be important or he would have never come up to him like this, at least not in school. It's not like they are friends, although they do understand each other better now.

Myungsoo is fidgeting with the sleeve of his shirt and his lips nervously. No doubt, it took him a lot of courage to ask to speak with him. He figures he should give the boy a chance.

"Sungyeol, you go on, I'll be there in a moment," he says, grabbing his tall friend forcefully by the shoulder and driving him towards the stairs.

"You - you are going to talk to him! H-how dare you-" Sungyeol splutters indignantly.

"I'm just going to tell him to stay away from Jongie," he tells Sungyeol in a whisper, then gives him a hearty push toward the stairs.

Sungyeol keeps walking, looking back at them with narrowed eyes.

"So..."

Myungsoo looks a bit more composed now that Sungyeol had left. He takes a few steps toward him and Woohyun can't help but notice how good-looking he actually is. How can Sungjong not find him attractive? But then again, it's not physical attraction for Myungsoo either, is it? It's more than that.

"Is Sungjong going to University? He doesn't plan to drop out, is he?"

Myungsoo sounds concerned. There are no surprises that he is worried about Sungjong, but to this extent where he is like a worried mother thinking about the future of her child? Maybe it's part of his unconditional love - he can't watch Sungjong sink.

"Thanks to you, no, he doesn't plan to drop out," Woohyun states, placing his hands inside his pocket. Myungsoo looks up, straing at him with a confused expression on his face. "Yes Myungsoo, you have changed him, even if you don't know. Don't get me wrong, he's still confused about you, he's still fighting his feelings for you, but you have shown him, or at least given him a peak, that there is more to life. he thinks he's doing it for his mother, but he's doing it for you too. He knows you worship him, and he wants to give you a reason, the slightest reason why you should be in love with him."

Myungsoo's breathing becomes shallowed. His eyes brighten considerably while his lips tremble.

"He-he has f-feelings for me?"

With a small smile, Woohyun turns back, trudging toward the stairs. He wonders if he has said too much, if he should have let Sungjong say it. But knowing Sungjong, he would never admit to it, not until he is completely confident with himself that he is right for Myungsoo.

For someone so cocky and arrogant, Sungjong is strangely insecure when it comes to Myungsoo.