L U H A N  P O V

Maybe it was true that there were some hints you left us earlier. Maybe it was true that at one point, I didn't realise your pain. Maybe it was true that you have suffered something that was so much worse that I could imagine. But, I'm sorry Yifan-ah...I can't be faking to my own feelings now. I feel betrayed, backstabbed, hurt; rephrase: we 11 EXO members are having a hard time now. Why right now did you fill in the lawsuit? Please explain to us or to me at least. Please tell me why did you decided on this matter? What have we EXO members have done wrong? What did our company do wrong to you? Please don't shut us out; please don't shut me out Yifan-ah. I'm waiting for your response on this, please keep in touch with me brother. I don't want to lose my friendship to you duizhang. I need you back...please reply to me sooner - Lu Han.

I sent the private message to Yifan via Weibo. I was lying down on the bed as I scrolled down the timeline. I look aside as Minseok was flipping pages of a book. He seemed absorbed with what he was doing.

"Minseok-ah...what book is that?" I asked while lingering my eyes on my laptop.

"Our EXO photobook during MAMA era"

"Photobook?"

"Mmm. Oh, I miss those old days. Kris was still here with us...all of those moments...I cannot forget them."

I sat up as I rested my back against the pillow. I looked on the other bed on the other side of the room. That bed was empty and clean. Flashes of memories started to appear as I could see Yifan was there on the bed being all alone and quiet. There were some days he was extremely stressed and cried alone on the bed. That was during the midnight, where I coincidently woke up and hearing Yifan crying quietly. So many times I tried asking him if he was alright, and he always responded that he was fine. Deep inside, I know he was not.

"Luhan-ah...Kris is the wisest member in EXO, would he wanted to leave us behind? I respected him so much because he was the strongest deep inside. I have a feeling that one day all of us can see him again."

"Until he confirms or the authorities confirmed, I believe that Yifan will be back in EXO. I don't know if I'm being too confident on this, but I believe in him. Even...even if he leaves us, I'm sure there's a reason why." I said firmly to Minseok. He smiled at me as he closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.

"Oh well, if you believe Kris then I will also believe in him. I'm off to sleep. You should be too. Tomorrow we need to practice for the tour."

"Okay, goodnight."

"Mmm...goodnight, Lu-ge."

About 5 minutes passed as I was still surfing the Internet, I realised that I received a private message on Weibo. It must be from my fans then, since I constantly receiving thousands of messages from them.

I opened up my private messages and among the dozens which just came in, I was surprised that Yifan actually replied to me. It has been days since we last contacted each other.

Lets talk tomorrow night at 10 PM through here. I'm sorry that only now I finally encouraged myself to speak up with you. - Yi Fan.

I smiled to myself as I replied back to the message. Although I feel kind of heavy hearted as I read his reply, I still hope that he can explain this whole matter to me by the least.

Next day, sharp on 10 PM at Weibo private messaging:

Luhan: Yifan-ah, you're here right? I missed you so much. I wish we could see each other again.

Yifan: Luhan...I'm sorry about this whole lawsuit matter. You have the right to actually hate me because I did it during this time.

Luhan: Yifan, I can never hate you. Why would I? We have been best friends for so many years so I understand you quite well. I'm sorry if I have not listened to your voice before this. Maybe I did realise that you have been suffering all alone, but I tend to keep all my members close to me. I know that you're sick, so that's why you had to fill in the lawsuit, isn't it?

Yifan: Luhan-sshi...it's not as easy as what you think. I guessed that Joonmyeon and Tao already told you about this. I'm sorry that I had to say this but it's possible that we won't be seeing each other again in the future. I can never comeback in EXO. I firmly believe that in the future I won't be coming back in Korea unless to attend the court for my lawsuit hearing.

Luhan: Yifan-ah...jaebal...don't say that you leave us EXO. Can't we just endure it a little bit longer? Most of us are upset and Joonmyeon even said that you should take back your lawsuit and pretend nothing has happened. Jaebal duizhang...you always be with us don't you?

Yifan: Of course I will remain with you guys in our memories and hearts. I will always love each one of you. But, I'm so sorry...I just can't and I know it's impossible to do so. During this time around I have been resting and soon I will admit myself to the hospital for my long time promised appointment with my doctor. Maybe I was unfortunate to see the possible heart disease, and I had suffered chest pains and vomitting during this whole time being an EXO member. I know that I promised everyone that I won't leave EXO but what can I do? I can't continue to suffer because of how much stress I am in the group and lack of rest. My doctor has warned me to stop my business with EXO and get a rest. So, that's why I had to fill in the lawsuit.

Luhan: Yifan-ah...I'm sorry to hear that. But who's going to be EXO-M's leader now? No one can replace you as the leader of EXO-M.

Yifan: Remember one night I firmly said to you that I ask you to take care of EXO-M members for me? You can be the duizhang from now on. I can't let Minseok do it since he's still not advanced his Mandarin level. Or even Yixing, because he's the group's main dancer. Or even Tao because he's the maknae. Or even Chen because he's still learning Mandarin and he's also the main vocal. I know that you're the lead vocal, lead dancer and the icon of the group, but it's only you who are capable to the group. Besides you are older than the rest of us except for Minseok-sshi. If the company said that the group needs a leader, please take my position, Luhan-sshi.

Luhan: Yifan-ah...how can I take your position? You are the wisest and the best leader for EXO-M. I can never officially take away the duizhang title off you. If the company asked for a leader position, I will firmly stand on my statement that EXO-M doesn't need another duizhang to replace you. EXO-M can still go on without a duizhang, but in private I'm able to take the responsibility if EXO-M for you.

Yifan: Thank you Luhan-sshi...I respected your decision. I know that I can depend on you. I'm sorry that you had to suffer this burden...

Luhan: I even said in an interview that if the members are not in EXO, I will always be a lifetime buddies in the future. Remember that? I can never leave any members behind me, because I love all my members and I'm willing to forgive them if they did wrong.

Yifan: Luhan-sshi, how can you forgive someone irresponsible like me? I'm very sure all of you guys are mad at me especially Tao and Joonmyeon-sshi. I have been irresponsible and been a jerk to all of you, and you guys suffered so much from me. I'm afraid to face the other 10 members now, and even talking to you here I gathered all my courage and strength again.

Luhan: Yifan-ah...I understand what you have been going through all this while. I realised that the company doesn't give you so many chances to act even though you received the offers. The scandals that you had before, the company didn't even bother to clean it up for you. Most of all, our profits are not equally distributed among the members. We also suffered too, but I realised that you suffered the most pain now. As far as I want to hold out my anger to the company, I still love EXO and I still want to be an EXO member. I wondered if you still had these little thoughts of being together as 12 again like before?

Yifan: Luhan...jaebal....I can't stand it anymore with how the company treats me. I have to end this immediately. I may hurt EXO, but please go on without me. I already had my dream being with EXO, and now I want to pursue another path of my life. I'm hoping that this new beginning of my journey as a solo artist will be greater. In my heart, there will always be EXO as 12 members. In my memories, I can never forget all those hardships that we endured during our trainee days and also during our promotions. I will always support EXO as always and I wished you all the best for the concert soon.

Luhan: Okay...I understand. I hope that we can talk again soon, so that we always keep in touch with each other. I will support you Yifan, wherever you are later on. I just hope that someday, EXO will reunite again as 12, even if it takes years from now. If you see any posts regarding us EXO bashing you or anything that's nonsense, I hope you don't take it too seriously. These days might be hard for both of us, and I'm sure either the members or SM staff themselves posting something bad about you. Some of the members are truly hurt because of the lawsuit, especially Tao and Suho. I'm just giving you this advice early so that you can be aware.

Yifan: I know, I'm sure that would happen. I only can stay quiet now and rest from the media. Luhan-sshi...thank you so much for believing in me. I can only rely to you now if I want to keep in touch with EXO.

Luhan: Yifan-ah...I'm going to miss you from now. Stay healthy and good luck! :,)

Yifan: Mianhae and thank you once again...I'm going to miss you and the rest of EXO members. I'm going off now. Bye~

Luhan: Goodnight Yifan...take care... :)

I shut down my laptop as it was getting late. It's almost 1 AM here and Minseok already slept comfortably. I put down my laptop on the floor and started to walk towards Yifan's bed. Some of his belongings were still here in this dorm. Even some of his favourite plushies still here on the bed. I took his favourite plushie Ace and decided to hug it in my sleep.

I remembered back all those times we endured those hardships together

Do you still remember those days where we suffered so much pain?

Nobody seemed to complain how tired we are during our promotions

Sometimes, I see you cried alone in the dark. And I always wondered why.

I just wish that we could stay together as 12 brothers forever. I just wish that we could stay endure it even longer.

EXO...will always remained in our memories as the 12 brothers. Even if right now you have left us, but in my memories, EXO will always remained as 12 members.

I can only cry now as I remember back those great memories that we had together.

Wu Yifan...I missed you...

Author's Note: These days, it seems like our Yifan is coming back to us. He updated his instagram and the miracle when he appeared in VCR during TLP at Shanghai and also his own solo song Time Boils The Rain. I'm so happy to see him back. How about you guys? :D