The fact that Yunho and Changmin had released a new music video earlier that day lay heavy across the room. Everybody was tiptoeing around him, carefully not mentioning anything about it, their silence deafening. Probably it was just Jaejoong’s imagination though. Maybe everybody was simply focused on doing their job normally, trying to make the photo shoot go smoothly and it was only him that was on edge. Though he tried to hide it, his uneasiness didn’t go fully unnoticed and with his big gentle eyes Yoochun asked if he needed to talk, but he ignored it and his friend took the hint. Junsu, like so often, was somewhere in his own world, where no one else was allowed to enter.

The photo shoot went by without incident. Jaejoong smiled and was y, did everything he was asked for. After 10 years in this business, hiding what he was feeling came like a second nature. It wasn’t too late when they finished so he dropped by the studio, meeting some of his collaborators, working on a song, they were always working on something, so it was very late when he finally got to his apartment.

After cleaning up and removing his clothes, completely spent he let himself fall onto the bed. But his eyes were wide open, and it didn’t take a genius to realize why. There was nothing wrong with checking out a music video from his old friends, Jaejoong told himself, no reason why he shouldn’t, so he reached for the ipad on his night stand. Maybe a tad too excited he sat up, opened up youtube and found it. Already his heart was beating louder and he pressed play.

It didn’t take much, the first few seconds were enough to kill him, render him unable to breathe. Yunho looked at him, directly at him, like he had done so many times over the years, each and every time making him feel like he was the only person in world. Of course in his brain, Jaejoong knew his former leader was actually looking at the camera not at him, but it didn’t feel like it. This look felt like it was directly aimed at him.

So often he had wondered if Yunho was trying to communicate with him through the camera, if there was something Yunho did that was only meant for him, that only he could understand the true meaning of. But every time he also realized it was all in his head, wishful thinking. His former leader wasn’t the one for subtle approaches, and maybe more importantly there was nothing he wanted to say to him.

For a moment Changmin caught Jaejoong’s attention. It was strange seeing him like this. Even though in his mind he stayed like a gangly kid, in reality he had turned into a man. A very handsome man in fact, and he had improved so much in dancing, singing and everything else since they started out so many years ago. It made him proud seeing his maknae growing up so handsomely, but it also made him worry if he had taken his place, if Changmin was now the one that warmed Yunho’s bed at night? But he pushed the thought away, like he always did. The stubborn maknae would never agree to that, would he?

The two of them started dancing, and even though it was a new routine, Jaejoong knew Yunho’s body so well, it felt like he was watching it for the hundredth time. Always almost a little bit too sharp and every motion was at least twice as big as it needed to be, but with everything put together it became perfection. Yunho’s movements had always been big. They had been big every time he had pulled Jaejoong into a hug and when their bodies connected in the most intimate way, as Yunho filled him up repeatedly, his movements had been anything but subtle.

The music video went by way too fast, and Jaejoong’s stomach turned upside down every time Yunho looked at the camera, looked at him, and a weak smile spread over his face as he watched the two of them dance together, only a hint of bitterness to it. A card showed the name of TVXQ and then it was over.

For a long time Jaejoong stared at the screen, his chest filled with a void that only kept growing. No matter what he told himself, seeing the TVXQ name with him not included, did hurt. Seeing this version of Yunho, that didn’t belong to him, didn’t hurt any less. He didn’t know why he did this to himself, why the masochist in him couldn’t let go. It was not like Jaejoong regretted the break up. It had been hard and painful, but they couldn’t have gone on like this much longer and in the end it had been the right thing to do, and he knew that. Breaking it off with Yunho had also been right, for so many reasons, and most of the time he knew that too. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, and he had long ago realized that getting over his leader was something he probably would never be able to, not completely. Having been claimed by him, owned by him, having loved him with all his body and his soul, wasn’t something Jaejoong was just going to forget.

But doing stupid things like watching his music videos wasn’t exactly helping him to let go. Barely noticing that his eyes were wet because of the pain in his chest from all the things that could have been, might have been, but never would be, Jaejoong promised himself he would stop this nonsense, stop torturing himself for no apparent reason and start avoiding this pain instead of seeking it. Then, he pressed replay.