Notes From Reviewer

Title (0710)

The title ‘The Bet.’ is commonly seen and doesn’t stand out. Although it suits your storyline, there is no deeper meaning of it and hence not the best. Also, avoid using a period in your title, it serves no purpose whatsoever.

Description & Foreword (17/20)

The description was good, I like the poster and trailer of the story. The characters are also displayed. 
The actual description of the story (which you wrote in the foreword) is fine, but there are some things I want to point out. Firstly, you stated that ‘she is pretty and known as perfection once she stepped in’. I find that to be a little misleading. After reading about Taeyeon and learning about her personalities and the school she attends, I don’t think many students see her as perfection. From her sharp poisonous tongue to the y attitude, I would say the students thinks she is far from perfection. However, if you did intend for others to think Taeyeon is perfection, then you did a poor job displaying it. Also, in the last sentence of the description ‘However, will they still be together after she finds out about the bet?’ That ‘however is unnecessary because you already conveyed the questioning tone in the previous sentence.
Overall, the description is good. It gives the insights needed to attract readers and to display your storyline.

Originality (7/10)

A cold and beautiful girl moves to a new school, she gets bullied by queenkas and meets the kingka. The kingka wanted to play with her but eventually they fell in love. The queenka tries to hurt her, the kingka then comes to her rescue. 

Look, that’s the summary of every high school romance story. Congrats, your story is even more cliche than cliche. But cliche isn’t bad, stories are cliche because readers love cliche and tries to write cliche. I don’t mind it too much. The main thing that bothered me was the events were too repetitive. It’s always about Hyeri trying to hurt Taeyeon, once, twice, three times. Sorry, but that’s a little too much. It would have been better if there was some other twists added to the story.
 

Storyline: (15/20)

The storyline was great, I actually enjoyed it up until the point where Taeyeon’s personality just totally changed. One major thing I didn’t understand is that why did Taeyeon try to get close to Baekhyun in the first place? What was her motive? In chapter 16, Yuri whispered something into Taeyeon’s ears that made her start to get close to Baekhyun. Maybe it was me who didn’t catch on, but I don’t think that was ever explained… To me, it feels like there is no point for Taeyeon to try to seduce Baekhyun. It’d be great if you could touch base on that in the story a little more.
 

Grammar and Spelling (6/10)

I noticed a handful of grammar mistakes here and there. The main problem with the story is the tense. You keep shifting from present tense to past tense and back. Try to keep the consistency up. Other than that, I want to point out that right now, your story is more like a giant dialogue with descriptions. It would be much better to add descriptions, feelings, and try out different sentence structures. It would make your story a lot more lively. 

Eg: 

Old version: 
Taeyeon and Yuri was sitting in the table at the cafeteria. 
“Do you think he will come?” Taeyeon asked.
“He will, he is like under your control.” Yuri said.
“Maybe.” Taeyeon shrugged.

Modified version: 
 Soon after the lunch bell rang, students began to spill into the empty cafeteria. After drifting through the crowds of people, the two girls found an empty table and took their seat. 
 Taeyeon glanced around and tapped Yuri’s shoulder. “Do you think he will come?” She questioned with a hint of concern in her voice. Although usually cool headed, Taeyeon couldn’t help but feel a little apprehensive about interacting with Byun  Baekhyun. She didn’t seem to hate him as much as she thought, in fact, when they went out for dinner, her heart was warm and fuzzy. 
 Yuri beamed a smile. “Of course he will show up. He is totally under your control.”
 “Maybe.” Taeyeon shrugged and scanned the cafeteria, in search of Baekhyun.

Doesn’t the modified version sound so much more story like? Keep in mind to always describe the surroundings, the characters, and how they feel. 

Characterization (5/10)

The characters are the one most poorly written thing in this story. The main problem I found is that you are not growing them, your writing makes it seem like Taeyeon and Baekhyun fell in love in a snap, there is no description of her changing feelings or hinting actions. She just went from hating him to loving him in a instant. 

Another major problem is that Taeyeon’s personalities and capabilities contradict each other. For example, in the beginning of the story, she was portrayed as a strong girl, both physically and emotionally. She was able to fend herself because she does boxing and she fought the queenkas, beating them easily. She didn’t show any signs of hurt when she was badmouthed and bullied. But at the midpoint of the story, she just suddenly changed into a different person. She was beaten by the queenkas and Minho without even putting up a fight, it was if she never knew how to fight at all. Also, when Hyeri showed Taeyeon the recording, she immediately cried after listening to it, when did she become such a weakling? Judging by Taeyeon’s personality, she should have questioned Hyeri and denied the truth, or she should have broke Hyeri’s phone or attempted to beat her. Then, she went home, locked herself in her bedroom and cried. When did Taeyeon start to love Baekhyun so much?

Flow (6/10)

The flow is okay, but sometimes a little too fast. But the one thing that totally destroys the flow is the way you center aligned the story and started a new paragraph with every sentence. It’s very strange to read paragraphs that’s one sentence long. The flow is instantly broken when I need to constantly move down. And keep in mind, in formal creative writing, texts are always aligned to the left. 

Personal Enjoyment (6/10)

The Bet was a very predictable ride for me. There weren’t much twists, turns or thrills but I still enjoyed the story though. There are many things you need to work on, such as growing your characters, write better and detailed descriptions, convey your character’s thoughts clearly, grammar, and make actually paragraphs. Keep writing and you’ll get better over time. Good luck!

Overall (69/100)