Hey, how's it going, le fabulous owner, Mattokki here!! Let us begin: 

Title:

         I'm loving it, really. It's simple, and it captures the essence of your story, and it attracts the attention of the reader. From your title, it's not hard to guess what your story will be about, but that might also be a problem, but the point was not to create any mystery in the first place, since it seems like a very simple story. 

Grade: 9/10

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Description/ Foreword:

                                     It wasn't too long, and it wasn't too short, either, it was just the perfect length. There were a few spelling errors in it though, and that tends to turn most readers off, so try and fix those. I normally detest character charts, especially if they give away too many details about the person's personality, which I feel should be picked up along as the story goes on, but you didn't give too much information about the charcters, which is very good. 

Grade: 7/10

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Grammar:

                 There were quite a few grammar errors, I especially had a problem with all the tense switches, which you did a few times. Focus on writing in one tense, either past or present, and only write in the chosen tense.

Examples: '“Get out!” she roar', should be '"Get out!", she roared', because the next sentence is  'Like sheep, all of the servants scurried through the door.'

Another example would be: Minhye woke up and blow off the hair that was covering her face. She scratch her head and grab her towel to shower

It should be: Minhye woke up, and blew off the hair that was covering her face. She scratched her head, and grabbed her  towel to shower.

Also, there is very minimal use of commas, so be careful how you use them. Another mistake I picked up was the confusion between "you're" and "your". Be ve