Hey, it's themeanreviewer here. Mattokki, the owner, alerted me a couple of days ago about the unattended reviews so here's my first official review in here. I saw that it has been almost a month since the day you requested, so I would like to initially apologise for the late review.

Warning: May contain harsh commentaries and criticism.

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Title: The Wind That Vanished Into The Twilight

Author: GetLayD

Reviewer: themeanreviewer

Title:

Usually, long title . Title is the face of your story, so it is only acceptable to spend quite some time to choose the right one or simply the one that makes sense with your whole plot. Why wind? Why twilight? You used a beautiful metaphor to describe Luhan and his behaviour in your title but what’s the relevance?

3.5/10

Description/Foreword:

Most writers loosely used the description/foreword in AFF anyways, so there’s no point in differentiating where and where you should put your introduction. In fact, I love simple description like this; it gives greater impacts on readers rather than lengthy ones. You give enough information as to what this story is going to be, and the grey-out text provides the right feels for it.

However, instead of:  “I had once believed that we were lovers; that we were best friends, but that all changed when he disappeared like thin air, without saying a simple goodbye...”

It could be: “I had once believed that we were lovers; that we were best friends, but it all changed when he disappeared into thin air, without even saying a simple goodbye...”

Keep in mind that amidst the simplicity, emphasising the sentence is an important point in writing the introduction. Also, in the description you used Lay but in the story you proceeded with Yixing. Be consistent in your character’s name. Even though everybody in the fandom knows who Lay/Yixing is, I still feel a bit awkward having to be reminded that they are both the same people.

6/10

Grammar:

Now, where do I begin?

First of all, this sentence does not make sense to me:

“His life was pretty dull and empty; not worth wasting his time living. He never once flashed his dimpled-smile or eye smile like moon crescents whenever he was happy or excited. That was until his so-called-lover left him; left him without say a simple goodbye…”

Was Yixing an introvert and suddenly became normal after Luhan left? Even if he is not, ‘That was until’ indicates that he is, though.

Instead of: “...dimpled-smile or eye smile like moon crescents” (sorry but these words are not even acceptable as simile or adjectives)

It should be: “...dimples or eyes that shaped like half-crescent moon when he smiled”

Instead of: “HI” The angered unicorn says while his eyes knit into furrowed ones, raising his voice in disbelief while continuing.

It should be: “Hi?” the angered unicorn said with his eyebrows knitted and furrowed; his voice rose in disbelief as he continued,

Instead of: “If you didn't want to return my feelings, you could have said so and I would've accepted that, besides disappearing like thin air”

It should be: “If you didn’t want to return my feeling, you could have said so and I could’ve accepted that, instead of you disappearing into thin air,”

I