TITLE: (3/5)

The idea of this phrase is something commonly found in a lot of stories nowadays, but the phrase itself is not, and this could attract some readers to check this story out.

DESCRIPTION + FOREWORD: (3/5)

Actually, I’d include the tags in here. With that, the tags set in here would actually give off what centric this story is:  KaiSoo and HunHan. What if the readers expected SeKai (slaps me being a delu shipper here)? Like… would Sehun actually end up with Kai, rather than Kyungsoo will end up with Kai? Those kinds of tags kind of give off an idea already on how this story would go. To keep readers’ interest stirring, if Sehun (or Luhan okay let’s include Luhan) would actually be of importance to Kai, then tag along SeKai or LuKai, too, or just tag this story with their names, individually, to not know the relationships between the characters or the OTPs.

That devotions tag seems new to me, though. From the vibe the rest of the description and foreword gave off, it seems quite appropriate.

Your description is simple, yet it brings something to look forward to in your story. It doesn’t give off any hints like maybe they might get back after all or they might just ignore each other soon. Your foreword/quotes are quite deep and I think it’ll bring in some more readers since they’ll be probably looking forward to more emotional or sentimental quotes that hit readers’ hearts in a pang (they are quotes after all). However, I can’t see anything in here that makes this story a bit different from the others. It has that cliché plot of returning and reminiscing to the past.

PLOT: (11/15)

Did something actually happen in the transition between Chapter 2 and Chapter 3? The transition between Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 was quite awkward for me. The ending of Chapter 2 was that Jongin was contemplating on proving Kyungsoo that he is still that Jongin Kyungsoo knew. The beginning of Chapter 3 began with Jongin and Kyungsoo eating lunch at a table together. Probably I really should put myself in the shoes of Sehun… or maybe that was what you really wanted the readers to do. But then, it couldn’t have possibly been like that right away.

On the process of doing this review, you added Chapter 1.5 and this is about the death of Jongin’s mother. I like how this could connect to his letters to Kyungsoo. And I was thinking that maybe Jongin could associate this with the pain he felt on losing someone.

From Chapters 3 to 5, I depicted these as Jongin just trying to win back Kyungsoo, and if this keeps on going, Jongin might apparently really win Kyungsoo back. But who knows what kind of plot twist the later chapters would show.

You didn’t mention why Kyungsoo left Korea and went back to Korea. If this was ongoing with these five chapters as its current chapters, then this thing about Kyungsoo could actually serve something really looking forward to by the readers, which is good. Also, there’s this issue about Sehun being possessive around Jongin, which helps in that factor as well.

ORIGINALITY: (7/10)

The whole trying to win someone back idea is there, which makes this story have a cliché plot. There is also a somewhat jealous character in here, trying to convince his friend to let it go. What makes this story a bit original, though, is the side stories that contribute to the characters, such as Minseok’s relationship with Luhan.

FLOW: (5/10)

There is this one sentence over here:

"Did you hear about the transferee?" The ulzzang asked,

From what I’ve read, it seems that you haven’t introduced who the ulzzang is. Going through the rest of the story, it so happened this ulzzang is Sehun, am I right? There may be some readers who don’t know what an ulzzang is, yet. You can introduce that with something along the lines of “With having a pretty face (blah blah) he could be an ulzzang.”

Included in here is what I said about the transition between Chapter 2 and Chapter 3. So basically the whole idea was Jongin trying to convince Kyungsoo that he is still his best friend. The romcom suddenly started in Chapter 3. From my point of view, there’s still that mysterious angst-ish vibe from Chapter 2, and that sudden change of mood in Chapter 3 seemed to ruin it.

In Chapter 1.5, it seems like you reenacted Sehun, Luhan, and Jongin meeting up with each other for the first time in school, and since in Chapter 1, there is this part about their first time meeting in school as well. In Chapter 1.5, you could erase some parts that look like they’ve met for the first time in school.

Other chapters seem like you did these in a rush and you need to detail each event out for the reader to sink in each event in the story.

CHARACTERIZATION: (8/10)

In those “quotes” in your foreword, I like how you bring Luhan and Sehun to have important roles in here, as well.

You gave each of the four main characters some distinct role. Jongin is the guy trying to win back his friend, Kyungsoo is that friend, Sehun is the jealous and possessive one, and Luhan is the one comforting the jealous and possessive one. They do have useful roles, and that’s good. You depicted them well.

I think naming Jongin’s parents are not necessary in here, though. They may have set supporting and important roles, but they’re still considered minor characters, since you opt to focus on Jongin and Kyungsoo together.

WRITING STYLE: (8/10)

Your sentences are straight to the point, and that’s good, because between this and flowery sentences that you could hardly understand, I prefer this. But note this: the consistency of the spelling or structure of the name. For example:

"Kim Jong In," Jongin answered tonelessly.

In this story, mostly how you spelt Jongin is Jongin. So in that phrase, you should change that to “Kim Jongin,”.

Also, in some sentences, you used “..”. The usual way would be three periods, so, “…”.

GRAMMAR + SPELLING: (13/15)

There aren’t that much problems in this aspect, so you’re good in this criteria.

His eyes met Jongins' one more time –His eyes met with Jongin’s one more time

This is your only error in the tense of the sentence.

Not once has Sehun lost in a staring contest. – Not once had Sehun lost in a staring contest.

Unto is used for what is about to come like “do what others would do unto do”. Onto (He clung onto a branch) would be more appropriate in this sentence:

There was barely any possibility that it would happen but Jongin continued holding unto that small, sliver of hope. - … holding onto that small, sliver of hope.

The rest are just minor errors that could be typos or what.

They nicknamed be Kai – They nickname me Kai.

"Sorry guys but Kyungsoo come’s first," – “Sorry guys but Kyungsoo comes first,”

"And No. I will not go sit with them," – “And no. I will not go sit with them,”

"But only cause you asked," – “But only because (or ‘cause) you asked,”

"I'm going to make Spaghetti." – I’m going to make spaghetti.

A 9 years old Kyungsoo flashed before Jongin's eyes, - A 9 year-old Kyungsoo flashed before Jongin’s eyes,

ENJOYMENT: (7/10)

I quite enjoy how possessive Sehun is in here and that is quite cute (lol). One moment he could be dark to Jongin like “grr why  are you going back to him” and then the next thing you knew he’s like a pleading puppy to Luhan when  Luhan was about to go out with Minseok.

I’ll have to take consideration on what I said about reviewing the first 5 chapters. And from these, there aren’t that much events that are of big conflict. Okay, maybe I really need to take off that 5 chapter rule (It’s just that I most likely am going to be not on the mood if I’m going to read long-chaptered stories). But after all, it’s just Jongin trying to win Kyungsoo back.

TOTAL: (65/90) = 72.2%

© arcadiyan
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