-

A cold, icy blade slashed deeply into porcelain-like skin with ease. A stinging, burning sensation nestled intself deep inside the skin, creating a bittersweet pain emotion for the teen that was committing the deed. A hot, crimson liquid bgan to seep through the pale skin, trickling from the cuts and staining everything it touched. It was only when the blood began to run down his arm slowly did the the owner of the arm begin to tremble. Only then did he allow a few tears of frustration, sadness and maybe even happiness, fall down his face. He wanted to tell someone so badly and allow them to comfort him. Be he couldn't - he couldn't risk being judged, being called a freak. His façade of being a joker wouldn't allow that. His reputation was built around the impression that he didn't care and that he loved to bring laughter into people's lives. He had to wear his cat-like grin that had once been real to cover up how the real Jongdae felt. The grin now meant nothing, hollow with thoughts about how he meant nothing. A fierce knock at the door tore Jongdae away from his thoughts and he found himself becoming increasingly anxious over the identity of the other person who banged on the door in no particular rythem.

"Jongdae, hurry up!" A voice yelled from the other side of the bathroom door, "Even when I get ed hard and go to the toilet I don't take this long!"

Jongdae relaxed slightly - Baekhyun was his best friend and knew everything about him; from his reasons to how he felt at certain times. Although the older did obsess about himself way too often, he geniunely cared for Jongdae apart from one other person, and Jongdae was grateful for it.

Baekhyun heard the tap turn on and his mind clicked straight away and he knew exactly what the younger had done. He hated the fact that Jongdae felt the need, the desire to do what he did to himself. Jongdae was Jongdae and that was the best thing ever. It pained Baekhyun when he thought about how Jongdae would never, ever accept the fact. Despite Jongdae refusing another trait of his multiple times, he had a good voice - a unique one that made Baekhyun swoon inside each time he heard it.

The door creaked open slightly and slowly and a Jongdae wrapped in an oversized hoodie with the sleeves firmly pulled down, a faint reddish colour on them, emerged, eyes on the ground as he hugged himself, drowning in self sorrow. And even then Jongdae didn't think he deserved the attention. Instinctively, Baekhyun's arms wrapped themselves around Jongdae' back, his hands rubbing the younger's back in soothing circular movements. They stayed there for a few minutes - Jongdae allowing tears to flow freely down Baekhyun's back, as Baekhyun rubbed and patted the back of the crying boy, hoping that he'd stop because frankly, Baekhyun felt like crying too. Yes he was self-obsessed, but when you were Byun Baekhyun, it was hard not to be, but Kim Jongdae was the only person he obsessed with more than himself. Even Baekhyun's long-term boyfriend, Chanyeol, knew never to test Baekhyun's loyalty and love for Jongdae and to force him to choose, since Baekhyun would always without fail, choose Jongdae. The older let them to the bed that was positioned in the middle of the room where Baekhyun continued to comfort Jongdae, "Why do you do this Jongdae?"

Jongdae shrugged, his eyes never leaving the floor, "Because I'm not Jongin."

Jongin was Jongdae's non-identical younger twin brother. Jongin had darker skin than his fairly pale brother which did get him teased a bit by their friends, but ultimately it made him better looking. Jongin had plump, full lips which boys and girls a like fantasied over kissing or or doing whatever they wanted to go - a major contrast to Jongdae's thinner cat-like lips that nobody seemed to like, let alone want to kiss. Finally, Jongin had a dancer's body - lean, slightly muscular that was tasteful to the eye and Jongdae was fat. Not even Baekhyun could convince him otherwise. Seven of the twins' nin friends would say that Jongin was hotter, only Baekhyun and Kyungsoo stating their love for Jongdae. 

Baekhyun sighed, "In a few months we're graduating, leaving that school forever. Then you'll never, ever be compared to Jongin again, okay?"

Jongdae's eyes left the floor to stare at Baekhyun. A small amount of hope glittered within the brown orbs, but was overshadowed by pain, hurt and sadness, "No they won't. Trust me, they won't. Nobody'll let me forget about how...perfect Jongin is."

The last words were spat out with a venom Baekhyun didn't wish to explore. Although he was sad and hated himself and when he was with people his words were infused with humorous tones, but when alone with someone he trusted, Jongdae was as cold as his heart that had a dark cloud above it.

"And you're not? Jongdae you're beyond perfect. Listen to me and trust me for once, please!" Baekhyun pleaded to the younger with his best puppy eyes. Although they probably wouldn't work, it didn't hurt Baekhyun to try.

"I'm not perfect," Jongdae said, his eyes returning to stare at the spot on the floor which held his attention.

"Why not?" Baekhyun said, standing up and staring down at his friend, "Tell me why you're not perfect."

"Because I'm not Jongin!" Jongdae shouted, standing up himself to glare at his friend, "I'm not Jongin, nor Kibum, or Hyoyeon! They're all perfect and what am I? A failure! Everyone thinks it, at least Mother has the decency to hide the fact; Father just says it openly!"

Baekhyun flinched at the cold truth of Jongdae's words. Being the third youngest of four meant that there was little attention for the twins, especially now their older siblings were in university studying different things. Their eldest sibling, Hyoyeon was studying to become a Mandarin teacher, however dancing seemed to rule over her life as well - being the main dancer of a group she and some friends had formed called SNSD, meant she was slowly becoming famous over South Korea due to the group's title of 'Seoul's Girl Band'. Likewise, Kibum, or Key, was studying to become a successfull CEO as it was expected that he would follow in their father's footsteps and take over Kim Co-Operation but he had a rather good talent for singing. To mirror SNSD, him and his room-mate created a band called SHINee, also popular in Seoul. Although Jongin was talented mainly in dancing himself, he also was able to hold himself well in rapping, meaning he also had a unique talent. What did Jongdae have? Nothing. He had a perfect singing voice, but Key shadowed him over that as their father hated the siblings copying each other. He could speak Mandarin quite well, his accent gave him some difficulty, but he managed. But Hyoyeon knew Mandarin and was considerably better at it than he was. Jongdae had nothing to distinguish him from his siblings. Apart from the scars that ran up his arms and down his legs. 

"J-Jongdae," Baekhyun whimpered, going to hug the younger once more, "I'm just trying to hel-"

"Well you're not," Jongdae snarled, wanting to be alone. His eyes had banished the glitter of hope and anxiety, and pain remained, "You've done enough. Now, please go home and don't do this to me hyung."

Baekhyun stood there, stunned for a bit before nodding and scampering out of the room, biting back tears of his own. Jongdae cursed to himself as he threw himself onto his bed. He needed Baekhyun because nobody would understand him like Baekhyun did, or attempted to. He was an idiot. A new characterisitc he could add onto the list of why he hated himself. Minutes or hours passed and a timid knock was at his door. He sat up and chocked back on some tears, "C-Come in?"

His older sister walked into the room quickly, closing and locking the door behind her. Although he resented her to some extent for being more perfect than he was, he knew she could relate to him. Besides Baekhyun, she was the only other person to know about him, to attempt to cheer him up. And he accepted her help more help than Baekhyun's, which wasn't a massive change. She could relate as she was known as the 'ugly' one from SNSD, despite Jongdae thinking she was the most beautiful woman he had set his eyes on. She sat beside him and hugged him, allowing him to place his head on her shoulder, tears sliding down his face and onto her back. She repeated 'Shhh' and 'It's alright, please trust me Jongdae'' as she his hair and held him tight, tears of her own threatening to spill. 

As he heard her choke back tears Jongdae couldn't help but think he was the cause of people's sadness. He wasn't the joker who brought happiness, he was a selfish, low-life coward who brought sadness because he wouldn't face his problems and get help.

First chapter, yay~!

This was kind of painful to write (although it's probably not good) as I'm currently feeling like Jongdae is. 

Anywho, hope you enjoy :).