Shana and I were in the roadside stall situated beside our condo unit, when I couldn’t contain to keep the questions within me any longer.

“So she is gay,” I said, confirming, “It wasn’t an accident at all?”

A nod, “She is gay as gay could get,” she paused and heaved a sigh, “and yes, she did it on purpose.”

I looked at Shana, my brow furrowing, “She was drunk; maybe she didn’t know what she was doing—”

“You really are a fan, aren’t you?” She said, disappointed. Sad. Soft. And I knew that she was feeling as bad as I was.

I was in the state of in denial and it wasn’t easy. Even though, it was as clear as the water, I refuse to believe everything. I refuse to believe that, Taeyeon had been doing this since their debut; I refuse to believe that she had slept for almost a hundred of girls in her life and I refuse to believe that she deceived me to get to sleep with her.

It was too depressing for me to comprehend all my upheaval emotions. I wasn’t able to sleep that night after that disgraceful incident and as soon as the morning arrived; she was the first thing to pop into my brain. The rest of the day was a haze for me, for a while I wonder about everybody. Of who could be the same as her or who could be the same as me and Shana. I wonder about everything.

I wonder.

“You’re a legend,” Shana said smiling, breaking the silence between us for the first time, “you’re the first fan who turned down your Idol.”

I knew she was just making me feel better about this whole situation. To be honest, it kind of adds up to my draining reliance in myself.

“Well.” I mumbled not really giving interest to her.

“You’re different Jamie-ssi.” She said as if she was saddened, “not all people think and act like you.”

“Well, its not like I didn’t have a choice.”

“In this industry, what you did was a miracle.”

“Really, huh.” I said, actually and quite frankly, I don’t care of what Shana thinks of me, all I know is that, what I did was the right thing and it placed me in the safest condition.

She rolled her eyes and shoved my shoulder, “I’m being serious—”

“Are there any Idols that play for another team?”

“A lot.”

“Oh.” I said, like I stepped on a poop.

“And Taeyeon is one of them—”

“I was wondering—” I cut her, I don't want hear more about it,“she’s supposed to be having a vacation with her family.”

“Well, I don’t think she goes home during their free time.”

Her answer threw me elsewhere, I got a shock look on my face, “What, why?”

“I don’t know,” She said, shrugging, “she stays most of the time in their dorm.”

It was the first time in my life that I started to feel terrified. I thought about seeing her again the next day I clean their dorm. I thought about what her reaction would be if ever she’s there tomorrow. I thought about quitting… just because I don’t want to see her.

“I don’t want to see her. What should I do?”

She laughed at me, “You’re funny.”

“What?”

“You don’t have to go there tomorrow, you know, they’re in their respected houses.”

I breathe a sigh of relief, “Oh yeah. I’m sorry I just—”

“I know, I feel you.”

Now Shana and I are in the same situation. Mine was lesser worst, though.

***

A week had passed when everything came back to normal and the thought of Kim Taeyeon had slowly vanished away, but there’s part of me that still felt disrespected and that held me back from others. Things like that were…typical, fairly typical and the realization scared me because, who knows, it might happen again and maybe not Kim Taeyeon, maybe not her, maybe some other Idols who will try to deceive me even more brutally and who would save me? No one. Honestly, I found an affirmative side in there about having to be careful to mingle with the Idols. Not to trust anyone.

This is a mistrustful place, where everything is bound to happen.

Ji eun and I had met some Idols from different entertainments assisting them in their businesses and I wasn’t excited at all to be seeing and meeting them. I wasn’t interested to any of them. Beneath all those beautiful faces lies a monster that is as awful as what they do behind the cameras. They’re Idols it’s their job to fake everything and the more I spend my time with them the more I realize how horrible this industry is. Everything is created beautifully…wonderfully… but behind all the beautiful things the people see are the slavery, pressure, oppression that happens. An act where scripts and cameras are helpers to fake everything. Entertainments created Idols. Marked Idols. It must be hard for them, to be the person that they were made to be. Then perhaps they have forgotten who they really are. Can you imagine the confusion that they have inside? I can’t.

Besides this was work, I reminded myself all the time whenever I see an Idol dead-sleeping on the chair while Ji eun does her job as a makeup artist. It demands not to care. It requires to not having a heart. This is our profession that needs perfect professionalism.

About Taeyeon being closeted pained me the most. I mean, I still care about her despite what had happened, she's still part of Girls' Generation and Girls' Generation has been part of my life since then. They're one of the reasons why I'm here, in the first place. I thought about Taeyeon at times, thinking how hard it is for her to be in the closet for years, wondering what it would be like to be in here position, cursing myself for ever offending her. I was only thinking about myself, I didn't consider her situation. It wasn't her choice to be like that, wasn't it?

The first time I saw her flushed face while she was holding a bottle of liquor, I knew right then, that she was crying, she wasn't okay, there was the kind of aura about her that is too painful for me to understand. Maybe she was tired of hiding her true herself? Maybe she was tired of people expecting her to pe the Idol that SM entertainment had made her. Had wanted her to be. Had expected her to be. So she decides to drown herself with liquors to block the feeling-- really anything that could help her forget the reality.

But then, later I realized how wrong I was. She wasn't crying about being gay. She was crying about someone. Someone, who you'll find out soon.

Anyway, it was almost dark, perhaps around six pm when we arrived in MBC building. Jung Woo had instructed us to do the script for tonight’s radio program. With the help of the host we were able to finish it right away for almost an hour.

“I’ll go down to buy coffee, please arrange the chairs as soon as you leave.” She said and within a second she was already out.

Recording booths were supposed to be sound-proof so basically all the people inside and the words that they say would sink solidly into the walls around them but to my dismay, something was yet to happen. We weren’t inside the recording booth, we were inside a room where a wooden table and a couch where we had done the script for tonight and four Flat screen TVs lined the walls around us and in the corner of my eye a door on the far left side was faintly open as to which I can only guess is the entry to the studio.

We were about to leave when Ji eun and I heard people chatting in the studio not that we mind but their topic caught our ears. And intriguingly the topic was me.

“Jamie… her name is Jamie right?”

“Jamie Javier?”

“…”

Both of us looked at each other. Eyes widened. Jaw quivered. As we silently ran all the way to the door, Ji eun was in front of me, peeking just through the faint outline that the door had let on.

“Who is it?” I whispered as I move closer, peeking in between.

And the sight of Sooyoung, Yuri and Taeyeon conversing shocked me like I was smacked right on the face with a table.

“Wh— who told you about that?” Taeyeon’s voice was mad. Stern. Disappointed. Tired.

“Who else?”

Taeyeon inhaled and exhaled noisily, “Sunkyu has a big mouth.”

There was uproar of laughter that followed.

“What happened?”

There was a moment of silence that followed.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“It’s not like you tell Sunkyu about the girls you sleep with, when all of us know that you hate people grilling your life. So it must affect you, that you can’t bear it with yourself—”

“I didn’t sleep with her.” Taeyeon’s voice was soft. Flat. Cold.

“You mean she didn’t sleep with you because she wasn’t gay, which makes it even more intriguing.”

“Man, she turned you down because she wasn’t gay, okay, like hello? Who would—”

“Yeah, she turned me down, big deal.” Taeyeon said sarcastically. Irritated. “Can you please stop interrogating me?”

“C’mon Taengoo, you’ve been flatly far away from everyone else since last week.”

“Okay, naturally, you have and always been far away but these days you looked downtrodden like when the two of you fight but Ti—”

“Okay, fine.” She said, flatly, placed her headphones on the table with a clank, “she’s…she’s—” She paused, “she’s something.”

I heard the two collectively draw a breath, “Something?”

“She cried.”

“Oh.”

There was a long silence among the three of them and by this time, Ji eun looked at me with murderous eyes and before Ji eun could virtually spank me, Taeyeon had broken the silence.

“She cried after I kissed her and said things that offended me,” Taeyeon began guiltily. Her voice wasn’t easy to place. But she wasn’t feeling good. I heard her breath again, “she was so angry that she brought the fury within me and I also said things that as well…, it was the first time that I ever dealt with something like that.”

“Tell us about it,”

“It’s not like I care, but it’s just the first time.” Taeyeon exhaled, released a whistling ragged breath, “can you…understand that?”

“Well I think, she’s teasing you.”

“Perhaps, she wants you to chase her, it’s like a tactic, you see, she’s one of those deceitful girls who wants to settle down with an Idol for security purposes.”

“And the fact that she turned you down made my point stronger—”

“To make it simple, she’s playing your vanity.”

Taeyeon sniffed. “What?” her voice hoarse.

“Look at you now. You look— you revert into this injured look whenever something is bothering you, we’re not stupid Taeyeon, we know what you’re feeling inside.”

I can see Taeyeon shifting uncomfortably in her seat, her head moving, perhaps looking elsewhere.

“Look, we know she’s the first girl who du— turned you down, well not the first girl but um, in terms of se—” A clear of throat, someone’s stifling a giggle, it’s Yuri perhaps. I couldn’t see their faces clearly.

“Why are you so damn concern?” She raised her voice. She was now reprimanding them. “this is none of your business. What happened doesn’t involve both of you so quit it—”

A clear of throat. “Look, it’s not about that, I— we're not concern, we're intrigued by the girl, can’t you see it? I mean, ‘The leader of Girls’ Generation is dump by a dorm cleaner’? go figure. Go. Figure.”

“What do you mean?” Taeyeon asked. Her voice becoming smaller.

“She wants you to chase her and girls like that, who’s up for a good chase? Well, they are most intensely riveting in bed.”

“Yeah, Yuri’s right, she’ll make a great lay.”

Ji eun and I had stepped backward having enough from all we heard she then looked at me, instead of looking shock, she look like as if she didn’t know what to do, like we’re trapped, there was no madness anymore but a pitying cold eyes that momentarily arrested me in my own trepidation.

She grabbed my wrist, dragged me as both of us got our bags and hastily moved out the MBC building and this what, what Ji eun had told me the moment we were inside the cab.

“You are in big trouble.”

***

Hi guys. What do you think?

Comments?