During my college days, someone asked me what moment do I cherish the most in life and the answer would always be my childhood memories. Because, that’s when I feel magic. Like when I was four years old and I was celebrating my birthday. It was freaking magic. But it wanes. It doesn’t stay forever. As I grow older I come to realize how cruel life can be, how harsh reality, and how mean the world. And I come to decide to close my eyes and submit to fantasy but it just wouldn’t work that way. It won’t. Reality is there knocking and begging and provoking until I submit back to it. I’m on the verge of honing my future and it’s a battle for me. I suffer, you suffer, I feel pain, you feel pain. Now, that’s how it works. A process of life. A cycle of fate.

So magic huh? What's magic? Think of one of your extraordinary memories. Something that you treasure the most. The moments that took your breath away. And whenever you remember, it makes you smile and suddenly you wish you were there once again. Evoking every second of it. Like when you see the sun rising in the morning for the first time. Because its so freaking extraordinary— so wonderfully glorious— so freaking unbelievable— because it’s so… unexplainable. No words. No mixture of emotions can design magic. Magic is rare. It’s not an everyday emotion. It’s a onetime sensation and it takes the right moment to see it and feel it. The right person. And in life, especially in this cruel world, people encounter cruelty and injustice which makes it even more precious. Too precious and rare that you think you will no longer feel it. You no longer believe in it. Because it doesn’t happen anymore. Maybe it’s just a cliché theory just made. Something that only exist to hopeless romantic idiots. Because there’s no such thing as that. That, magic is for fools.

But look at now. Look at the world. Open your eyes, Jamie.

I trembled. My heart thundered. My knees quivered. And my jaw fell embarrassingly. These are what happened to me when I saw them in person for the first time. It was dramatic. It was surreal. I was anxious. There was a lump in my throat that momentarily stopped me from breathing.

The sight was magic.

They’re real. They appeared in front of me as if in a dream. Moving and chatting. They’re not pretty not cute. They’re top-to-bottom gorgeous. Beautiful. Enchanting. Perfect. The most beautiful human beings I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

They’re so white. So blindingly white. Like mannequins. Barbie dolls. Small waistlines. Their faces, carved from the intricate contemplation of Aphrodite.

It was unbelievable.

They were unbelievable.

I was still staring at them on the stage. When Maria was shaking my arm getting my attention. As if something could actually tear my eyes off them.

“Jamie? Jamie?”

“Huh.” I mumbled incoherently still mesmerized by what’s happening. Still bewildered by everything.

“Ow!” I shrieked so hard, snapping my senses all at once. “Why did you pinch me?”

“I know they’re beautiful but there is work to be done. Alright?” She said sternly and gripped my elbow as she drastically dragged me all the way to Lorraine. Wow. So Maria can actually act like this.

Lorraine handed us some packed foods in tapper wares and commanded us very strictly that we are not allowed to do anything aside from doing what she instructed us to do and if we’re done we are quietly going back to the dressing room, right we were before.

Anyway, I threw a quick glance around me including to Girls’ Generation who was now talking to some dance coordinators on the stage. There were bright lights around us that gave glittering luminosity to each of the people inside including me. It gave our skin a glow that shimmers but I was nothing, I’m just a speck of dust compared to the beauty of each of the members of Girls’ Generation.

Pictures and videos are void. What you see on the screen is nothing compared to seeing them personally.

And I still couldn’t believe that this is happening. This is surreal. A dream come true. Even if they’re quite far away from me at least ten meters proximity. I don’t care. I’m with them. I can see them in flesh. I am breathing the same air as them. I can feel each of their auras emitting from their graceful moves.

I’ve waited so long. Too long. My whole life I’ve made them my safety security. The fandom that welcomed me is my dwelling my place and never had I thought that I’d be meeting them. Be seeing them. Because I just… my god, can you believe this? Can you? Because I can’t.

“Hey? Seriously, Jamie. Are you out of your mind?” Maria murmured as she fake a smile. “Focus, okay?”

“I can’t.” It’s the first sentence that I uttered since we entered here.

“Then don’t look at them.”

But they’re magnets. You see they’re magnetic. If they caught your attention in pictures and videos, can you imagine what they do to you in person? It’s murderous. Maria should understand this. And as I gazed again at them. They’re like living Barbie dolls. My god. How can someone be so beautiful? This is illegal. A crime.

There are few idols that were on the stage with them, some who only debuted from the previous year others who belong to a group.

I see Seohyun, Sunny, Jessica, Sooyoung, Yuri, Yoona, Hyoyeon, Tiffany. They’re scattered from the stage. They’re calm and cool. They don’t smile. They’re acting pretty normal but in gracious ways. Jessica and Yoona chatting with each other. Sunny holding her phone as she walked and sat down at the side of the stage. Hyoyeon and Sooyoung standing as both of them drank water. And Tiffany talking over the phone. Her perfect features looking distress. Some people from the staff were on the stage too, chatting with Seohyun and Seohyun explaining something I couldn’t hear. They wore normal outfits fit for the winter season but it was enough to pass for an airport fashion. No exaggeration. There’s a blast of music from the background that disdained me from hearing their conversations. Other people gathering before the stage chatting and moving hastily, I hear one of them calling Hyoyeon and Hyoyeon goes to them.

I furrowed my brows when I realized a member is missing.

Where is Kim Taeyeon?

“Jamie, please, you cannot act like this the entire time.” She said, her expression begging now.

And for the first time in my life, I smiled at her. “I’m sorry. I just can’t stop myself.”

She heaved a sigh, “They’re appealing, isn’t it? But you really have to help me get this done—”

“Okay, alright.” I said. Keeping cool and calm, though my insides were in commotion of emotions.

After a minute or so, there was a little noise at the entrance door. Three people from the staff who I can only guess are their managers walked hastily behind us and that they’re quite mad. The curiosity gets the better of me and as I looked at the entrance I thought the whole moment couldn’t get any more perfect.

There she was, not far from where we are, a small woman standing, and her skin as translucently white as Snow white’s skin, her long dainty black hair quite curly in the tresses falls beneath her shoulder blades, her small face will definitely be mistaken as the face of a child. She’s a certified petite. Body so freaking small. Gracefully, she looked at her managers and chatted with them for at least ten seconds and looked at the stage while they sauntered all the way to the rest of Girls’ Generation. And she passed before us. She doesn’t look at us. She doesn’t smile. She’s not frowning either. But there’s a hint of politeness in the way she moved also a flicker of recognition in her eyes. Her face was nonchalantly mesmerizing. She’s reserved and collected. She smelled like she showered herself to an expensive perfume. Her scent was imprisoning.

She just passed in front of us. And for the nth time, I trembled. If Maria hadn’t been standing right beside me, I wondered if I might’ve collapsed.

I was star-struck. She was… beautiful, just like the rest of the eight.

Kim Taeyeon is oozing with cuteness.

That’s right. She’s cute. Charming. A certified darling. You and I know both know that. Nothing unique? Well, you are completely wrong.

There’s more to her than cuteness. In fact much more than what you see in pictures and videos.

Kim Taeyeon has a powerful presence that makes her awesome to behold. Surprising, huh? She’s soothing in many ways. There’s a grit in her appearance but though elusive and makes her more like a sleek black classic car. She’s smooth and slinky, demanding that you run your eyes across her. A real minx of aspect. She’s small but she emanates authority and that, she make you do stuff for her without you realizing it. But what makes her even more fascinating is the air of mystery that she conveys, the grandeur and the star quality.

The star quality.

Remember, not all kpop idols has that. And Taeyeon exudes it more than you can ever imagine.

Anyway, Maria and I got back to work and before we could unpack everything, Lorraine had told us to leave, unfortunately. But before leaving, as a fan there is no possibility of stopping myself from looking at them again so I threw a glance at the nine women and buried the most beautiful sight within me forever.

If magic is for fools. Then I’m a fool.

---

If you wonder if I had slept for the night after that magical incident, the answer would be no. There are aftershocks. To anyone of you out there who had watched Girls’ Generation’s concert or that, you saw them personally well you felt how I felt. Yeah, I feel you bro. It was freaking unexplainable. Like your soul is being lifted upwards and you don’t want to end the moment.

The aftershocks. What were the aftershocks? It was afterward, when I still couldn’t comprehend what just happened. As if it were a dream and I still haven’t wake up. Well, if I were to define it in a word, it was unbelievable. The rest of the day was a blur for me, though I didn’t tell Ji eun about it, she thought that it was just some random kpop idols rehearsing and I figured not to tell who I saw and what happened. Just act normally. Act exhausted. Ji eun isn’t that fond of them so better avoid arguments right?

The fact that I couldn’t focus to whatever I was doing in Geuk was maddening. Though, the excitement was still there, never leaving, like a shadow that keeps on following me. The moment keeps on replaying on my mind that made the tip of my lips turn upwards without me knowing it.

“What’s the matter with you?” Ji eun asked.

“What?”

I sounded like I was caught sneaking out during wee hours.

“What?” She mocked me, “You’ve been acting pretty strange since in the morning.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, like you’ve been hit by a bomb.”

“Seem so,” I shrugged.

She looked at me scrutinizing my face, “Seriously, what is wrong with you?”

Smartass.

I shrugged in response, “I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“Tired? Really, huh.” She said, “And you’re smiling?”

“Yeah.”

She smirked defiantly, “You’re a fool.”

I looked at her, sighed, “I know, I am.”

***

After weeks, when I thought my days in Seoul are perfect, that’s when strange things began to happen. The questions I had were finally answered. It was one cold afternoon when I was in Apgujeong-dong with Kim Shana. The trainee that I was with assisting the backdrop of the photo shoots, weeks ago. Yeah, the messy-unprepared photo shoot, remember? Kim Shana was awkward all afternoon, I mean, something was definitely bothering her unless she saw her favourite idols in person but I highly doubt it because she’s a reserved quiet type of girl and she doesn’t socialize with our co-trainees even though she’s been on this job for over a year. The first time I worked with her, guaranteed no second guessing, she wasn’t happy to whatever she was doing. I know we’re worn out every day working are off and reprimanding is all we get in return but a person would know whether you’re at least enjoying what you’re doing even if its tiring to death and hell, she acts like she’s been forced to be working in here and the fact that she doesn’t have any friend made everything absurd. She keeps to herself most of the time.

And all afternoon, I’ve caught her staring at me like I have a cakey foundation on my face but then she would look away and continue to whatever she was doing.

We were on our way home, walking when she hit a conversation that shook my world.

“Have you ever been in Seongdong?” She asked, looking down at our steps.

“Well, Ji eun and I are about to go there next week.”

She stopped and looked at me, “Really?”

And the look on her face was distraught as if she were beginning worry.

“Yes.” I said, “Are you okay?”

She turned white. Like all the blood from her body had drained. I knew something was wrong with her so I placed my hand on her shoulder even though the awkwardness that we have hasn’t dissipated.

“Hey,”

She looked somewhere else not sure whether to say it or not. He eyes began to moist and that’s when I panicked. She ducked her head down and I heard a muffle sob. I held her hand but she jerked away, instead she gripped my arm and ran as she dragged me all the way in the park.

There were five kids who were playing as we sat down on a withered bench and that’s when she started crying helplessly, her hands on her face, her knees shivered alongside her body and she looked so frighteningly weak and for the first time that I’ve been with her I didn’t know what to do. All I did was to stare at her little figure and wondered what was actually happening in her inner world.

And the thought of it terrified me.

I caressed her back softly trying to calm her down and she moved closer as she buried her face on my chest still crying vulnerably.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m here, don’t worry,”

I wrapped my arms around her back.

“I…can’t…do it anymore…” She complained in between sobs.

“What is it? You can tell me.” I whispered.

She just shook her head, “You won’t understand me, no one will understand.”

I get you. I've heard that phrase since forever.

“Well, surprisingly I’m different from all of them.”

“Don’t—”

“You’ve cried in front of me, okay? I won’t let this pass without helping you.”

“But this is beyond help. You can’t do anything—”

I sighed apprehensively, “You have to tell me what’s bothering you.”

I could no longer hear the sound of her sobs and I took that as a sign of letting go of her body. She sat limply; her hands were on her lap pensively. She was still flushed from crying and her little eyes were empty as she peered into oblivion. The inaudible sound of our breathing was the only noise I can hear. I figured I have to wait for her to open up and not harassed her with questions that she might not be ready to answer.

In front of us, not far away there was an old man and a little girl who I can only guess is her granddaughter assisting her as the kite had flown in the wind and at the end of the long string the little girl was holding tightly unto it, mesmerized at her kite flying like a bird up in the sky. The smile of the grandfather was precious as he gazed at her granddaughter’s happiness.

It was priceless.

“I’m helpless. I feel helpless.”

The phrase disturbed me and as I looked at her she was sad. Hopeless.

“I’ve never wanted to work in here,”

“I know.”

She looked at me for the first time, “You knew?”

“You’re not happy, I mean—”

She slumped forward, her shoulders slouching, “I’m just—” she breathe in and out, “so tired,”

“We are all tired.” I shrugged in response, “all of us are tired but trust me—”

She chuckled bitterly, “Jamie-ssi, you don’t understand me at all.”

I blinked at her motionlessly, begging for further explanation.

“Then tell me,”

She held both of her hands into her chest and began to touch the buttons of her blouse. It doesn’t take a genius to figure what she’s doing. Directly, I gripped her hands and looked at her confused.

“What are you doing?!” I murmured harshly as I looked at around us. Keeping my cool.

She jerk my hands off her hand hastily ed the first part of her blouse and revealed tons of kiss marks around her chest and some of it between her cleavage. The worst of them all was when she showed me an injury— a deep cut in her hips and some of her dry wounds in stomach and at her back. A huge blood clot in her inner thigh.

I was speechless. As if I was hit with a chair right in the face and the smack was awful in the inside-out.

“I’m a part time hooker, Jamie-ssi, in Seongdong” She said straightforwardly. “It all started last year when I began my training.”

“H-how…?” I asked, and that’s all I could mutter. The revelation was shocking for me to comprehend.

“You’re in the wrong business,”

I exhaled noisily, “Please tell me, Shana,” I said with conviction, gritting my teeth, “tell me what happened to you.”

I know, even to me, mentioning her name came off as threatening as it sounded. But this is serious matter and the aggression within my heart is beyond my knowing. I feel like my fury would burst any minute if she doesn’t tell me the person who’s responsible for her state and I can hear her even for a week. I can help her. I will help her no matter what are the costs even if it means to lose this job. She needs justice.

“Your parents. Where are they?” I asked, trying to keep my calm.

“They’re in our province. They cannot know of this. They cannot—” her tears flowed on her cheeks again. She sobbed and looked terrified.

And this time, I decided to move closer and hugged her tightly.

“But you need to tell them,”

“No— you don’t understand, my parents need a big sum of money for my sick little sister, this is my choice, alright, I agreed upon this—”

“Money? In exchange for your body?” I asked sarcastically, “Shana you’re nuts, there are other things that you can do to earn money not in this way.”

“How am I able to feed my family and provide my sister’s medication? I need a huge amount of money, Jamie-ssi—”

This was when I couldn’t mutter anything aside from looking at her. Where words has no place in this kind of condition, in this hindrance that she’s facing— that we’re both facing, I’m involved now and no, I’m not going to turn back and I’m not going to leave her.

Going out from my comfort zone was a bad idea. Life is unfair, the girl beside me is the proof of it and it’s infuriating me of where God could actually be. Where is He? Right, but this is life, this is how life should be and all she can do is accept it. She thought, maybe it’s her fate. That everything that is happening in her life is all fated. That’s the worst kind of acceptance. When she can’t do anything because it is what it is.

I looked up and noticed the sky was starkly grey. I wonder if the universe can hear our conversation. Can hear the loud stammering of my heart. I wonder. I always wonder if hope will prevail inside of us. And I don’t want to end up just wondering.

“Who altered you in ion?” I break the silence for the first time.

It took a moment for her to answer, “Just someone who works in an entertainment company.”

“Who is it?”

“I can’t name him,” She cleared , “I’m sorry.”

“But I have to help you!”

I raised my voice at her. This was madness. This was annoyance. I slump on my seat my head hanging downward. My lips formed into thin line trying to stop myself from shouting at her.

“You can’t. As long as my family need the money, I have to continue doing it.”

“I want to know,” I said, my voice off-beat, “Who are your clients?”

“Idols,”

“How many are they?”

She sighed, disappointed. Mad. “I don’t know about a twenty? A fifty? I don’t know I’ve lost track.”

“You have to stop this, I can help you. I’ll borrow money—”

She touched my hand and squeezed it, “No, Jamie-ssi, you can’t. This is the only way.”

That was unfair. She’s unfair. Truthfully, this is the time when I lost my ability to stay calm and of the patience to dwindle somewhere far away from me. But it’s different. She looked so lost so confuse and frighteningly tired.

I pity her and I hated it.

“But why did you tell me? When you clearly don’t want my help.”

She looked somewhere else and then looked back at me, “It’s because you’re new and need a warning,”

“A warning. Warning?”

"Please don’t trust the people around you, right away, even if it’s Ji eun or your handler or anybody who’re close to you.”

In this industry, it’s a miracle if an entertainment hadn’t done slavery to the rookies or even to the idols, it’s a miracle if you haven’t get laid in a week, most higher employees take advantage to the trainees and that regard to and harassment. Kpop is not as clean as you think; fame and money has to attain with sweat and blood.”

In the coming months, there are going to be idols that are going to ask you out on a date but don’t be fooled, date for them is a one hot night in the nearest motel they could get you in or inside their cars and worst is, this won’t stop, this will continue until you’re used to it.”

This is too much for me to grasp in one whole slurping, I’ve been over here for a month and a lot of things had already happened. I’ve seen other trainees under other sectors in Geuk being yelled at and it’s infuriating just seeing how the supervisors treat them. But sleeping around with different idols? Now that’s quite hard for me to believe the kind of society around here, I mean, if it were true, it’s going to be a massive problem for me. Sure, this isn’t new, in other countries celebrities use their fame to hook up with fans but at least the people is free of choices unfortunately over here, there’s no options, we are made to abide their law and regulation. A part of the trainees’ jobs— to obliged the rather impossible errands of the bosses even if its about pleasure.

And by the thought of working here over a year, frightened me, I tried to think about the memory of seeing Girls’ Generation in person, thinking that this could block the terrified anxieties I’m having, but the vivid memory of their presence became a blur that transformed into blankness— emptiness, and I began to wonder if I ever had seen them. Because honestly, I feel like it didn’t happen at all.

“I can’t believe this,” I shook my head.

“I told you, you’re in the wrong business.”

I massaged the bridge of my nose as I closed and opened my eyes, “Look, I don’t care what they do in here, okay? I care about you, we have to do something, Shana, and you can’t continue doing this, think about your future—”

“My only concern is my family,”

I faced her, my burgeoning anger oppressing now, “Don’t you have any respect for yourself at all?”

“Jamie-ssi!” She raised her voice, “I’ve already lost everything and I don’t want this to happen to you, Jamie-ssi this is hell, you’re working underground.”

I flinched away from her grip and exhaled, long and measured. “Shana,”

She glanced at me.

“You don’t have to face this alone,” I said, reassuring her, “I won’t leave you, I wont.”

It’s the first time in my life that I made a new companion in the worst way possible.

***

Thoughts. Opinions. Questions. are welcome.