Later, I learned and everything came from Ji eun’s mouth, that once a trainee finished all sectors, the trainee would be in training for manager. If the verdict of the trainee’s handler and supervisor thinks that she has all what it takes to be a successful manager, the president would introduce the trainee to different entertainment companies; SM, YG, JYP, CUBE and Japan, Taiwan, Philippines entertainment companies or even in Western countries. But as for my choice, I would still choose to work in Seoul. And the thing about what Jung Woo told me ‘if this would happen again it’s going to be the end of the whole company.’ This was what Ji eun explained, many years ago there was this Japanese trainee who was beautiful and that Kpop Idols swooned over her. Her handler at that time was well, Mr. Eunhyuk before he was promoted to be a Supervisor. You must know that only 1.3% of trainees in the Company can speak in English and if your one of them, your bright future is already installed for you.

Moreover, she was the most envied and popular trainee in Geuk, for she can speak five languages and entertainment companies all over Asia were dropping money to buy her. Thus, she had, what we call, the ‘eye for the stars’. It means she could distinguish who has the potential to be a superstar. A matinee Idol. Also, when Rain was rejected many times during auditions, she was one of the few people who had persuaded some of the biggest bosses of the respected Entertainments to give him a chance. Because she saw it. She sees something in him. A sparkle in him of yet a newborn diamond and she were right. Look at Rain now. Only few people can do that— can discover the rarest diamond. Yes, she had that capability and for a normal trainee; Ji eun and I. We had to systemize ‘the star eye’ and I suppose, it will take years for us to be able to acquire that.

Apparently, something unexpected happened, for she fell in love with a very famous celebrity, the Bosses were persuading her to sue whatever her relation towards the Idol but she claimed that there’s nothing to worry about because her top priority was her career and she reasoned that she and the Idol were just friends and obviously the bosses believed her. Months passed her recurring odd attitude got worst— she was late for meetings and sometimes a week of absences until one day in the season of summer news spread in the company that the top-billed trainee was pregnant and the father was without question the famous celebrity. To make the story short, ‘love’ ruined her career, image, money, the company, family and including herself; particularly everything. The company’s stocks went to zero, no corporation invested to their trainees anymore. The news of the trainee having a baby was almost a crime in this industry.

Entertainment companies had viewed that Geuk Corporation was nothing but rebellious trainees. Eventually because of ‘love’ she and the Idol ran away together. Both lived in Singapore, and when she thought her life was perfect that’s when her life got worst. A perfect fairy tale turned into a nightmare, after a year she realized her wrong choices; she gave up her dreams to someone undeserving. The celebrity left her for another woman. Though, she tried to go back to her family, but unfortunately they disowned her and afterward no one knew where she was and what happened to her after those incidents. Rumours began to circulate from people that she was working as a e in Singapore although no one knows if she’s even alive.

Some end for a girl like that, huh?

Love, I told you, a curse. You cannot multitask. You cannot work with your career while at the same time falling in love. You will always have to choose one.

“So, what does it have to do with me?” I asked, as I rolled my eyes.

“You’re pretty! C’mon!” She said, as she was washing the dishes.

I wiped the dining table with a white napkin, my head shaking and shaking with every word that she uttered because nothing she said will ever be true in the first place.

“I’m not as pretty as her,”

Then she turned at me and raised her index finger with bubbles all over her hand.

“And you speak English like so good!”

“You can speak in English too,” I answered as I went in the fridge, grabbed a glass of juice and drank it.

“But not as fluent as you and you speak like American.”

She had the point, considering that she can’t speak in English without her Korean accent lingering to her every word and the tenses are somewhat scattered.

“But why did she fell in love when she knows the further consequences?”

“Maybe that’s her weakness; sarang.” She gently said and walk to our room as I followed her.

She began piling her clothes and turned the TV on, a 2NE1 music video flashes on the screen.

“That’s her being stupid,” I sat down on the bed and helped her.

“You can’t say that, imagine if you were in that position? You were in love and—”

“Career is more important than love life, see what happened to her?” I hauled my shoulders up and stare past at Ji eun’s head and out the large condo unit window, the view from here reminded me of the first time I gaze at the Seoul Lights back in the plane. It was breath-taking. There was no word in the dictionary to define how breathtaking it was. When I went at the company, on that early morning, I was in the cab with Ji eun and my eyes explored the places we passed by, I pooled her lot of questions and she was cheerfully answering it.

 

 

***

 

Cheongdamdong is a region of Gangnam in Seoul.The area is known for the wealthy lifestyle of Koreans, especially, that, of Entertainment Companies are located in here. It is also known as a shopping area, with the main shopping street 'Cheongdam’s Fashion Street'. Along with Apgujeong’s Rodeo Street they are seen as fashionable and influential destinations. You know Vera Wang? The famous Asian bridal designer has her boutique here along with Cartier Maison and Salvatore Ferragamo store in Apgujeong-ro. Basically, if someone that you know, happens to live in Choengdamdong you know exactly what kind of standard he/she is at.

It was already afternoon when we went out and the terrible coldness made me double the coats, for my body couldn’t hold the weather. My breath was blowing a pseudo smoke and so does Ji eun. We went through a roadside stall, where I can see Koreans eating squid meat and drinking sojus with their comrades. They were laughing like there’s no tomorrow and their voices were as loud as my grandmother nagging at me. So I was shock of how they converse because their voices came from everywhere and I don’t know who’re voices belong to. I looked around the people who were walking by us, I spot an old woman wearing a simple long sleeve green sweater walking at speed as she frequently checks her watch; I didn’t past judgement instantly, I catch a sight of her watch, a Rolex. I spot a couple holding hands, the guy seemingly staring at the girl like a hawk. There were few people strolling onto the street and few cars who speeded by.

“You need soju, Jamie, so cold is it? Soju will burn inside your body then you will feel hot.”

“I think I need one.”

I held the shot glass and drank it hastily, I squirmed and my lips. “It’s good,”

After six shots, I can feel the effect burning my insides, the back of my head starting to get heavier. I wasn’t a strong drinker so I had to control myself when it comes to cocktails and liquors.

“Next month is the start of your tribulation, huh.”

“What?”

“Dorm cleaning!”

She does like to shout, or Koreans do like to shout. Perhaps, that’s their way of being excited, is it? My eardrums flaring everytime Ji eun opens . Um, so— do I have to shout also?

“Yeah, I’ll be cleaning at Bigbang’s place.” I said, my tongue craving for more liquor. I almost got the shot glass when Ji eun who was in front of me suddenly got it before my fingers could wrap around it.

She smiled her teeth showing, “No more drinking.”

“Fine,” I rolled my eyes, “Hey, what dorm did you spent cleaning—”

“I’m a makeup artist.”

My brows furrowed, “I thought you’re in training for a manager?”

“I hate entertainers! Why would I want to get close to them?”

I laughed so hard. If everyday would be hilarious like this, I would totally love this life forever. Ji eun had that effect of the way she delivers the words there’s that humour swathe within it. She’s the typical person you’d want to be with once problems will cross you.

She furrowed her eyebrows and moved her face forward, “What’s funny?” She whispered.

“I mean, you’d be like making over entertainers then you hate them? Are you trying to ruin their image?”

“Most of the Idols are ugly, so with my magic hands I’ll try my best to make them beautiful.” She said, without smiling.

And by that, my head fell on my palm.

“What? Why did they—”

“Made us roommates when we have different fields? That, I think because my personality matches with yours.”

I raise a brow at her, “They said that?”

“No. That’s what I think.”

Seriously.

“What was your first job?”

“I was a make up watcher,” She said not sure of the next thing she’ll say, “Watcher, I watched how the famous makeup artists explore the horizons of art for beauty and it was a boring but a great experience.”

“So you watch how they put blush on, eye shadows and lipstick?”

“Not just that, I watch how they mixed different colours of eye shadows, told you it’s like exploring, some entertainers are picky, they would even shout at the makeup artist because they think that the flesh lip balm doesn’t suit their lips or what,” She made face and her tone was precisely serious.

“So who’s Idol did you watched?”

“Well, there were a lot perhaps nine idols or ten, I forgot. My favourite among the nine members was Im Yoona’s features, it’s like you don’t need to put on too much cream ‘cause she’s a natural beauty...”

Im Yoona. Nine members.

She continued talking but I wasn’t listening furthermore, was she referring to Girls’ Generation? Cause if she is, I’m telling you, I’m going crazy.

“Wait—” I raised my hand and cleared my throat, “Are you referring a girl group, you mentioned Im Yoona.”

“Yes, So Nyuh Shi Dae or their national girl group name; Girls’ Generation, of course you know them, they’re popular.”

Oh my god. Who doesn’t know them?

I don’t know how to react, how to stopped myself from harassing her with questions. I don’t even know what to say anymore, like you know when a fan girl met someone who had worked with Girls’ Generation and you get hysterical asking the person to introduce you to them which is of course, a hundred percent impossible. And that’s what I felt.

“Are you okay?” She cocked her head to one side.

“Can you tell me how were they like? Like, I mean, what kind of you know people are they?”

“Oh my god.” She threw the squid stick on the table and crossed her shoulders, “You’re a fan. A Sone aren’t you?”

I shook my head and flashed my tense smile. Is it just me, or she appeared to be disappointed after knowing that I am indeed a hundred percent their fan girl. I mean, why would she be upset?

“Is it against the rules?” I asked calmly. My eyes never leaving hers.

She inhaled, her chest racing, “Well,”

“Well?”

I was waiting for her to continue but she was just blinking while looking at me, there’s no way that being a fan is against the rules, I’m not going to be suicidal in order to take a shake of their godlike hands and harass them with my camera. I know how to custom self-control. So, I’m not going to be thrown out of the company just because I’m a fan right? Or if it is one of the regulations, perhaps my beautiful roommate Ji eun, knows how to keep a simple secret.

“What now?”

“It’s not against the rules but...” She waved her hand as if trying to find the right words to tell me, “We all know how a fan reacts or what a fan can do—”

I chuckled, “Well, excuse me, but fortunately I’m not the kind of fan you’re thinking right now.”

“You don’t understand, you’re not yet in the position? Look, I’m not even a fan but when I met them, it was hard to stop myself from asking an autograph.”

“Did you ask their autograph?”

“I did and my handler was so mad at me because SNSD’s manager told him, you see, Girls’ Generation’s autograph is like buying 84 carat diamong, that priceless, okay I'm overreacting but that’s how SM entertainment thinks. They’re diamonds Jamie. Nine diamonds. People tremble in front of their presence.”

Obviously. They’re on the top of their game.

“Wow.” I said, trying to sound cool and ignorant.

“Yeah. Wow.” She frowned at me. Sad. The look of disappointment. “But there’s a downside to that.”

“Obviously, they lost their freedom—”

She raised her eyebrow at me, slightly confuse?

“Are you trying to be stupid?”

“What?” What?

I shook my head, signalling for her to explain furthermore but to my dismay she just smirked and crossed her arms on her chest. It was somewhat irritating.

“You don’t know the first thing about kpop, do you?”

“Of course, I know.” Well I know each members’ name in each boy groups and girl group anyway.

“You don’t. How are you able to work with us when you don’t know this world. Our world.”

Her eyes were empty, face nonchalant. What is happening? What is she trying to say? I looked at her straight in the eyes, she meekly sighed and slowly raised a bottle of soju, her lips touching the brim of the cup. Right there, realization hit me in the gut. There’s so much to know about this world— their world and now my world, I mean this is what I’ve always wanted. All my life I’ve been trying to fathom what the future has stored for me— what am I supposed to do with my life and this place— this world, the girl that I am with, this work are the things that will dictate the person that I will become in the future. I don’t know if I could fit in with them knowing my nationality and customs are far from their culture but I’m not going to let this barrier stop me from achieving my dreams.

“Tell me, Ji eun-ssi.”

“Jamie,” She exhaled. Disappointed. “I don’t have the right to be saying all these things to you because nobody told me. I learned everything by experience and you should too.”

Whatever. “What are roommates for? You’ll tell me everything I need to know!” I laughed loudly and sarcastically trying to vindicate myself from irritation.

“They’re complicated girl group, Jamie. You don’t want to get involve with them.”

I blinked my eyes in confusion, “What do you mean?”

“What I mean is, you don’t have to work with them just because you’re a fan.”

Now, she’s trying to change the subject. I can’t let her off the hook this time. Not now. When I’m confused as heck.

“Wait, what complication is that?”

“It’s just that, Girls’ Generation is the most respected group today.”

“I know. They’re diamonds.” I said mimicking her voice earlier.

“Jamie you must understand. I don’t have the right to be telling all the rumours. Those are rumours. There is no confirmation, okay?”

“Please tell me, there’s something that I have to know, isn’t it?”

She gave me a faint smile.

“One rule that isn’t included in the regulations in Geuk,”

“What?”

She took a deep breath and said, “A discreet fan shouldn’t be working with his/her idol.”

I think I know what she’s trying to say.

“Look, I’m not the kind of fan who would stalk them or harass them, I don’t—”

“That’s not it. Jamie, you’re beautiful and smart. That’s something that’ll lead you to Geuk’s exit once you mingle with your favourite Idol.”

She looked at me, her eyes ghosting something vague and elusive. What the hell is she trying to say? Me? For being beautiful and smart are going to be my downfall? Now, that’s nuts. I don’t even freaking consider myself half beautiful, I mean if you ask. Literally, I’m not.

Ji eun is nuts. I’m sure.

Although our conversation went on, as much as I did my best in trying to bring back the topic earlier, Ji Eun wouldn’t let me. She’s a smart one. She’ll slip away easily and now I hate her— the confusion in my head erupted like a volcano.

 

***

 

There were almost thirty trainees for managers including me. Nervous was the right term when I first entered at the managers’ sector my co-trainees were already there chatting and others in their own world arranging some piled papers. Jung Woo my handler introduced me to each of them and some of them sort of bow and the others simply nodded without giving a care to who I am. During the first working day, I met someone who astonishingly became one of the most important people in my life considering the fact of how she is.

Jung Woo instructed for the two of us in the marketing department to help assist. She hit a conversation and I was glad that we were the only ones inside the workspace.

“Annyeong,” She acknowledged, “I’m Maria and you are Jamie, I know you.”

Maria from Busan, as I later learned and Maria is not her real name. Jang Hyoyoung, eighteen years old and preferred to be called Maria because of her favourite song ‘Ave Maria’ one of the songs in one of her favourite movie ‘100 pounds beauty’. Okay. Like seriously. And she speaks English really well too, huh.

“Hi, Maria?” I smiled.

Maria, my partner for the whole month was careless and confused as heck, I wondered why they have permitted Maria to be in trainee for managing when she doesn’t even know what she’s doing. Her actions? Damn it, her actions were so weird she seems to worry many things and mention the things that are so out of this world like this:

“I personally think that the stars and human beings are interconnected. Even so the retrograde of planets has something to do with our fate.”

I stop dead stare at her, “What?”

Woah. Wh—? I stared at her in bewilderment. Where exactly did she grow up? About the stars and numerologies and retrogrades of Saturn… oh by the way, she’s into astrology. Like she studies the chart of a certain Idol? She was telling me that this idol in one of the famous boy groups in SM is currently dating a non-showbiz female because she read his ascendant and houses, I assume you don’t know what I’m talking about because neither do I. When I was eight years old, there was this auntie of mine a friend of mom’s actually, well she was an Astrologer and when I first met her, she looked at me like she is seeing me through my soul. She kissed me on my forehead and whispered something like: “You’re going to have an extraordinary life, honey.” Obviously as a kid, it was something that wasn’t important to me. I don’t generally believe in Astrology.

I stared at her, my eyes squinting at her.

“So, how’s your stay in here?”

I looked at her, “Great in a weird way.”

She moved her chair closer to mine. “What? Why? Any sickos asking you on a date?”

I laughed. “No!”

“Oh, thought so.”

“Why? Are there sickos here?”

She chuckled, “A lot.”

“Are they harmless?”

“Some of them. Don’t worry, Jamie-ssi they’re not from around here.”

“Where— ow!” I accidentally pressed my thumb on a broken staple wire.

Maria got my hand right away and examined it, “Careless, Jamie-ssi!”

I secretly smiled to myself as she slowly medicated the cut in my thumb. This wasn’t sort of normal for me, honestly. Except for my mom, nobody I meant that nobody even my friends had done something like this to me. I felt special. Adding the fact that we’re still commonly strangers. There was a sudden conformity between the two of us. That will transformed into a treasuring friendship.

The rest of the day was not exhausting anymore compared from days ago. We chatted like old friends and never got tired hearing each other’s life stories but I listened more to her. I know I’ve told you about how weird she is and I’m not going to take that trait away because she really is what weirdness can get although at the same time there’s something very invigorating about her and I can’t explain it.

Trust is obviously not given away in first meetings. Especially in an unfamiliar country, it’s our genetic culture, trust is to be earned. And that’s what Maria did. She made something pleasing that touch my heart.

The next working day we were at our place while we brought the two boxes with piled papers inside it. As both of us did our job, suddenly, I remembered what Ji eun and I had been talking two days ago.

“Hey, Maria?” I turned towards her while she was busily typing on her laptop.

She raised her brows for an acknowledgement.

“Any weird things happening here lately?” I asked. I know, I sounded ridiculous.

She still hasn’t looked at me, “What weird things?”

“I mean, I’m new here. I deserve a heads up right?”

“No, nothing weird is happening.” She said, matter-of-factly.

“Ah.”

Damn.

It was already late in the evening when the exhaustion was too much for me to bear. Excruciating. My arms are swollen and my head is spinning. I woke five in the morning and it’s already past nine o’clock in the evening. Nope, I haven’t eaten dinner right. How great is that? In a sarcastic way.

“Jamie, you look tired.” She said, while we were bringing back the boxes of papers to the managing division.

“No, don’t mind me. I’m just hungry.”

She smiled at me. “We’ll eat dinner together later. My treat!”

That’s perhaps the best thing I’ve ever heard since she opened .

 

***

 

The next day, Jung Woo introduce me to a very handsome young man, he only turned seventeen last month. This was the guy who Ji eun keeps on babbling the night before this morning. In addition, I heard, almost all the girls here had an admiration for him that is clear as the nose on your face. He’s cute. He could pass for a matinee Idol. At first, I wondered why he didn’t audition in entertainment companies when he had what it take, I mean, he has the face and appeal. But when I learned the reason why he didn’t. Not that I learned but I witnessed the reason why. I directly understood everything. And that you’ll witness it soon.

“Hi Jamie-ssi.” He said in his broken diction in English. “I’m Park Dong Wook,”

“Hello,”

“You can call me Wook,”

“Sure.”

“Have you eaten?”

“Why? Will you treat me?”

He looked at me surprised and yet confuse suddenly he just burst out laughing and that’s it. We hadn’t said much about anything except that he actually treated me to a fast food restaurant because he hates the food served at Geuk’s Cafeteria. We ate our lunch without uttering a word. Actually, I’m not that perceptive about things but as I observe his manners and actions he seem to be really feminine. Example, as we head to our table before sitting down, he got a tissue from his backpack and rinse the chair as if all the germs in the world were living on the chair. Why do I get the feeling that almost all the Koreans I’ve met are closer to absurdity? Anyway, after we finished our meal, we headed in Cube Entertainment as we we’re instructed to meet and assist the rookies who are going to debut next year.

So we assisted the rookies for their radio guesting. Five girls who were nervous and naïve as they entered the studio and sat apprehensively. The hosts and DJs wasn’t even minding them? As if they weren’t existing at all. What?

I raised a brow at the absurd occurrence and Wook seemed to notice it.

He whispered, “Wait ‘til they begin.”

Their manager looked at us and nodded. A signal for us to give the rookies each of their scripts for tonight’s program, they were given half an hour to review the script. The DJ helped the girls into their upcoming supposed to be lively conversation, which is clearly impossible because the girls were frighteningly nervous and quiet. Suddenly the manager reprimanded them, instructing them to cooperate with the DJ and Host. Poor girls, heads bent down, hands clamped on their lap trying not to cry. I was about to stop the manager from yelling when Wook grabbed my wrist and murmured something like, “This is how it is.” He let go right away and crossed his arms on his chest as he past stared at them,

“There are even much worse than that.”

When the program started, I was so shocked that I gasped silently under my breath as I stare at their lively faces and lively conversation. The nervous and frightened girls weren’t present now it was bargained with exciting faces, smiling lips, blinking eyes, uproar laughter and they were even poking fun at each other. The DJs were even cracking jokes moving from topic to topic. The sight was shocking for me. I’m sorry but there is no comprehension for me that I can utter. Unlikely.

“See, I told you.” Wook murmured, his lips pressed tightly.

The more appalling it was when the program had ended, in a split second they were back to normal although they were less nervous and less frightened compared before. They seemed relieved by the show had finally ended.

But this was something that I have to get used to, because things like this were actually never ending and Wook is right, there were far much worse than this.

 

 

***

 

 

The next day, as what my schedule says, I’m about to meet Kim Shana also a trainee for managing and she’s going to introduce me to the world of photo shoot. Kim Shana was probably one of the most polite people I’ve ever met in here, she distance herself from me— quite a lot and it made me feel utterly comfortable. A pest. I felt like a freaking pest the first time we met. But as time wore on, she was not the good girl that people know. There’s more to her than sweet smiles and that sooner, I would find out.

When we arrived at Apgujeong-do where the studio was located, people were in drastic rush and we had to help the staff in arranging the backdrop of the photo shoot. I tell you, it was so wearing— the photographers haven’t even arrived— people were shouting and yelling everywhere. We hadn't even introduced ourselves, we just went directly to whoever calling us asking for help. The most upsetting was, the backdrop wouldn’t stand so both Shana and I had to put our weight into it to stand still. Sweat, gliding through my back— dry throat asking for water— my head was spinning, well I still haven’t eaten lunch. Great right? Again. I mean, why are the people so unprepared for a simple photo shoot? Shana told me the model isn’t that famous and the brand isn’t also that famous. But! Those reasons aren’t good enough to be so freaking unprepared— like this.

After an hour, like finally, we were able to sit down as one of the staff offered us sushis for our lunch. The rest of the afternoon weren’t as exhausting as earlier, we were asked to serve the people with coffees and sandwiches which of course we obliged politely.

Finally afternoon came and the staffs had packed to go home and they dropped us on the side of the highway as we uttered our goodbyes.

“Jamie-ssi, this is the most tiring day of my life!” Shana exclaimed as were on our way home.

“I know right! Look at my arms, they’re swollen!” I cried hoarsely.

No really. This day was no joke, it was pretty exhausting adding the fact that not all people were nice to me. They work like there’s no tomorrow. And that in return, we should too.

We were in a waiting shed waiting for a cab when someone called my name. I turned around and saw Ji eun in a cab waving at us.

“Come!”

 

Shana held my hand and ran towards the cab just it was about to turn around curb when Ji eun probably notice us.

I slammed door as we both entered into the passenger seat.

“I was on my way home when I saw the two of you frowning and looking so sad... what’s up with you guys? Did you two just step on a poop?”

“Much worse than that.” I muttered, irritatingly

“Yeah, Jamie and I had to… ”

Their conversation went on, knowing Ji eun’s sense of humor everything became so light that I swear I’m in cloud nine, I was smirking the whole time trying to stop myself from laughing to every offhand comment Ji eun makes.

Honestly, I hadn’t expected this job to be this exhausting as I ponder about family back in the Philippines. It’s just been a week and yet a lot of things had already happened. People bumping unto me asking for help— ordering me a gigantic errand which isn’t even included on the things that I needed to do and yet I had to oblige their orders, I felt like I had no choice but to do whatsoever obligation they commit to me. You see this is my dream, I asked for this, I took the risk and that includes leaving my family. Hell, I sacrificed everything.

Although, I’d thought about this decision many times before signing the contract paper in Manila, days and those sleepless nights thinking about the pros and cons— thinking about my future, thinking about my age. I’m turning twenty years old I’m not getting any younger— life I think is truly precious. We only live once, remember that. I think this is something that people should know and appreciate. Life isn’t to be wasted— take chances— take risks because in those things we learn from them. We learn what life truly means and that’s important. We experience, we learn and we change for the better. I repeat, life isn’t to be wasted— you can’t turn back time. Seize the moment. Reach your dreams. Look what happened to me after reaching my dreams, I just didn’t reach my dreams. I met someone who changed my life.

Okay, anyway, Maria and I went to Won Bin’s new drama that’ll air next year. Well, it wasn’t exhausting compared last week but it was enough to tire my body as I got back in our unit. The shoot was perfectly smooth and prepared. Actors had already memorized their lines. Everything was settled so we were just sitting down with the staff admiring how the actors justified their roles in the drama. Also, when I saw Won bin in person I was awe-struck. Handsome. His tan and flawless skin got my tongue waggling— eyes popping and Maria chuckled in my reaction. I wanted to have a picture with him so badly but it wasn’t allowed so I just had to stare at him and bury every angle of his angelic face into my memory.

We were in the comfort room when I couldn’t control my emotions any longer.

“He was right there! Like four meters away from me taking a ing a break.”

“Oh Jamie-ssi, you’re so funny.”

“Taking a break and his wife is beside him.”

“So? I bet he still has like gazillions of fans asking for his autograph while—”

“His wife is patiently waiting to punch him mercilessly after entertaining his obviously younger ier and fresher admirers than her.”

I stared at her, bewildered. “Wow is that true?”

“And remember you’re not a fan. You’re a staff. Okay?” She sighed as she changed the topic.

“C’mon he’s handsome—”

“Hahaha. Jamie-ssi he’s like the first actor you’ve met okay? You still haven’t seen other astonishing devilishly handsome actors in this industry.”

“It’s no use.”

She raised a brow.

“Couldn’t take a picture with them.”

“But you can stare at them for hours,”

I rolled my eyes in return.

Souvenir is important.

Meeting the rest of the supervisors in Geuk is hard near to excruciating madness. They gave errands that will accumulate the whole fifteen hours and they don’t care if you haven’t eaten anything at all. They yell at the other trainees under them, what they order should be done accurately and perfectly, not buts no ifs. Nothing. They get the last word. And when I met each of them, they looked at me like I’m a mess, the biggest problem in Geuk. Remember the Japanese trainee? Well they assert me regarding about her. Unlike, Sir Eunhyuk, who was patient and kind to his every trainee, I feel so lucky working under him.

I met Sir Eunhyuk for at least twice and he monitored all the things that I did for the past week. He was, well, satisfied to what I’ve been ridiculously doing for the past days. I haven’t even received a proper job and yet he’s all praises at me. And I’m not really happy about it. He sounded like he’s very sure to my results. So sure of me that I start to doubt myself if I’m on the right track. Am I?

“Jamie, you really need to enhance your Korean language.”

“I… am…”

He shook his head. “You’re not.”

“Well, I’m learning.”

“Learning? Really?” He took off his eyeglasses and cleanses it with his handkerchief.

And then suddenly, he just spoke in Korean so fast and quite gibberish for me to comprehend the words he’s uttering.

I heaved a sigh. Disappointed. “Fine.”

“Is Ji eun teaching you anything at all?” He asked quite stern.

Honestly, no. During free days meaning during tutor days we always end up going to boutiques and buy new things.

“Yes.”

“You’re not lying, are you?”

“No. Why would I lie to you? Ji eun is being a great tutor its just that I’m a bad student.”

He exhaled. Now he seems irritated. “Okay, I’ll give you a week and still if you haven’t learn anything at all. I’ll tutor you for the rest of the month.”

No way. My insides are shouting like when I caught myself on fire. Because no freaking way.

“Yes, Sir.”

That’s all I said until I got out from his office and phoned Ji eun over this mishap.

 

***

 

Parks. Boutiques. Shops. Restaurants. Are my concerns these days. And that’s where I am at during free days and after work. Not just because I couldn’t restrain myself from it, the main reason is the curiosity. The excitement. Obviously I want to explore the city. I can’t let my stressful work drain me slowly every day because it’s going to be a major suicide. No kidding. I need refreshment, relaxation and besides Ji eun told me that once I start my training, it would be impossible for me to spend my time going to beautiful places. So while I still have time, why not enjoy it? Seize it? You can’t blame me.

So guess where were we? At Cheongdam Fashion Street walking there and there. Marvelling the products of Louis Vuitton, Prada and Burberry, we just marvelled. Only marvelled. Now that’s upsetting, but I don’t mind because someday I’m going to own more than these boutiques have. I saw a handsome guy skimming one of the products of Salvatore Ferragamo and went straight to the counter and bought it. A girl, younger than me in many years, bought a four inches stilettos. A Prada stilettos.

How lovely.

Depressing.

It’s some sort of tiring, when you keep on wanting at something you couldn’t have, no matter what you do. And then at the end of it, you realize how taxing it is. A waste of time. It’s part of human nature, you want to have the thing the other person have. Same as with people. Picture this, your friend has a handsome boyfriend, they’re like all over each other and you’ve wondered what it feels like to be in her position being desired and loved. But then you just end up wondering. Admiring. And it’s pretty discouraging, ‘cause you can’t be that person no matter what. You cannot make things happen just because you want it.

Sometimes the things that happen are the least you expect. The least you imagine. Trust me in this. Something greater than four inches Prada stilettos will come in my life and never had I thought of it.

Anyway, after a very exhausting afternoon of rushing from boutiques to shops we decided to have our dinner in one of the restaurants in Itaewon and that’s when I couldn’t contain my aggression any longer.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been craving to pamper myself after two weeks of suffering!”

She stabbed the meat with a fork, “Gosh, you sounded like me six months ago.”

“Is this really how it should be? I mean, this is torture! Four hours of sleep? Can you imagine that?”

“Well, welcome to our world.” She said upsettingly.

“How welcoming.” I said sarcastically.

“You’ll get used to it, trust me. After a month and your body is numb from exhaustion.”

I sighed, “So how’s your yesterday?”

“My new handler has a bad breath. I wish he could retire but I doubt he will. He really has a terrible breath, the next time I’d probably bring a mask.”

I laughed. Among them, Ji eun is of course the best partner. In the first week since I’ve known her. Never had she given me disappointments. Her personality is very consistent. She is what you see. Bubbly, cheery and quiet strict. Why can’t all people on this earth be like her? Being true the self. Showing who she is. Some people lack that. That’s why some concede themselves in fallacy. Creating an attitude that wasn’t supposed to be there. Newborn complications, unwanted fights and most of all unconscious two-faced personality. All because of shying away from our true selves.

“You know I’ve been thinking about the things you told me two weeks ago.”

“About what?”

“Things that I still don’t know about your culture.”

“Not again Jamie,”

“C’mon! I can’t adapt when I don’t know—”

“It’s been a long day, we really should go home.”

“Oh c’mon! Don’t be such a coward.”

“You’ll pay for our meal right? You said you’ll treat me!”

“Hey! I didn’t say that!”

“Then don’t ask. Jamie, don’t worry you’ll know it soon.”

 

***

 

Friday night came and I was so sleepy after hours of arranging the new trainees’ applications including mine in alphabetical order. I arrived at the unit exhausted and restless that I forgot to change my clothes and threw myself unconsciously on the bed. Within a second, I fell asleep. There was a gentle tug on my sleeve as I rolled over the bed, must be Ji Eun’s hand, I thought. Suddenly, a hard slap landed on my cheek.

“Yah! What was that for?!” I exclaimed at her. “I’m sleeping!”

“No, you’re already awake.”

“It’s because you slapped me!”

She sighed and held my arm, “You’re on call with Maria”

“What? On call?”

“There is a concert rehearsal an hour later. You and Maria have to assist the PAs.”

Now, this is what I hate the most in this job. They control almost everything I do. There would be no buts and questions when an obligation is yet to oblige. “You’re on call with Maria.” Nurses and doctors or whoever goddamn works in a hospital is always ‘on call’ because that’s an emergency. Cancer. Accidents. Murders. People dying minute and minute. And you had to be alert in all times even when you’re sleeping which is understandable. Life. Saving a life. There’s no reward for that. But this… I don’t understand at all. This. I don’t know why they have to make a rehearsal for concert or what so vitally important that a normal trainee like me had to be waken just because for a rehearsal. What? Three hours of sleep in the whole twenty four hours. That’s the only thing I have right now. A guaranteed allowance that needed more strength in my body. My mind has its own power to control my emotions but not my body. I can’t do this. Frail and vulnerability. Not that I don’t want to do this. As much as how my mind tries to control me but at some point, my body just wouldn’t let me. It’s as if, it has its own way of thinking.

I touched my forehead, “Can you do it yourself instead of me? I— I can’t do this. I’m so tired.”

“Oh, Jamie-ssi.” She frowned at me with full of concern and pity. “I’d really do it for you but Geuk don’t permit this kind of ruling.”

“Can you tell them that I’m sick like mad cow or what.”

She chuckled still looking concern, “Even if you pretend that you’re sick like mad cow they’d still go here and check on you if you’re really brutally sick and if not—”

She doesn’t have to continue as I already push myself up and head in the bathroom. Rules are rules, right?

There is nothing pleasurable in waking up against my will. My clothes not ironed, I haven’t even bath properly and Maria was no help at all. She was snoring beside me inside the cab and I had to be mindful at the streets that we pass by. And nope, I haven’t eaten anything since dinner. Taxing right? This is how it is, I reminded myself again. This is how it works. This is my work. The job that I chose and had to do with conviction. When I was on first grade, I remember the first time my mom said, “We need to talk.” I know it’s the kind of phrase that most people avoid because we need to talk has the equivalence of negativity. Arguments. Confrontations. But with mom that only meant that I’m going to help her do the chores at home and obviously as a child there is nothing more important than toys. Plays. Games. So I argued with her about it and of course as her only daughter, I won.

The thing is, I’m in Seoul fulfilling my dreams and it’s more than enough for me to be thankful. I meant that sincerely that not all youngsters like me are given the rare opportunity that I’m currently having. But every opportunity has a downside. My downside? Thing is. No mom. No mother. She’s away from me. I’m away from her. And I miss her. I wish she’s beside me at the moment. Guiding my decisions. steps. Where is she? The question. The worst question. I’ve got no one in here. No one. And I tell you, it’s a freaking nightmare. I mean I grew up having her in my world. I grew up with mom. And now she’s nowhere. I even betrayed her. For what? For my dream. For something that is uncertain. Why? Because I’m selfish. I only think about myself and about what I want.

I was having these thoughts when Maria had nudged my arm.

“Jamie-ssi! What are you doing?! We already passed the colliseum!”

Of freaking pissed.

There is nothing pleasurable about walking a great distance from where we stopped and getting back to the place where we should be. And we’re out of money. I only brought enough to cover our fares. This is really getting on my nerves. Okay so I was mad and it’s clear as the water and Maria here was trying to vindicate myself from getting angrier which isn’t helping because I hate it when people tries to control my emotions. She was goddamn cheerful— cheering me like a freaking lunatic until we arrived at the coliseum.

We were at dressing room when Maria couldn’t take me any longer.

“Seriously, can you stop acting like this?” She whispered.

“What.” I didn’t look at her.

“The Personal Assistants are coming soon okay. You better plaster a fake smile in your face.” She commanded. A warn.

We waited for fifteen minutes until almost a dozen of them arrived at the dressing room. They were… almost all of them are pretty. They express such authority when they looked at us. No, they didn’t just look at us. They looked down at us like a pest. Like a speck of dust. No greetings. Four of them instructed us to wait for them until they come back again. The remaining women were unpacking their duffel bags and huge plastic kits. And inside of it were makeups.

“Where are they going?” I asked Maria.

“Where else? At the performing area, duh.”

“They’re make up artists?”

She looked at them, “Yeah, seem so. But the other four who went away are the personal assistants.”

The pretty makeup artists, who were, I can only guess are professional makeup artists were chatting as they were taking out the makeup kit from their duffel bags. They were professionals as what Ji eun told me after this incident, they have worked overseas with some famous fashion models one of them are the Victoria Secret models and after knowing this, it was enough to make me tremble.

Anyway, we were sitting down on a green couch near the door while one of them turned at us and asked if we are the trainees for managing. She was cute, probably on her mid-twenties, her curly brown hair added the radiance in her skin. 

We waited for half an hour and I was already impatient by all this fuss. What kind of kpop idols are these anyway? That they had to have this kind of very special treatment compared to others? That they had to disturb such innocent people in their slumbers.

“Who are going to perform anyway?”

She looked at me surprised, “You didn’t know?”

I raised a brow at her, “No? Would I ask if I knew?”

“Asia’s—” Maria was cut off when one of the Personal Assistants came and introduced herself to us.

Her name is Lorraine Kang and ordered to help them in the performing area. I didn’t pay attention to whatever she was saying anyway.

Maria got up, as she walked before me but looked back when I was still sitting down, dumbfounded by everything.

“Come Jamie.” She whispered and held my hand as she pulled me towards her.

Exhausting. The right term for everything. Fright. The right emotion at the moment. Longing. That’s how I feel at the current situation. But there’s nothing I could do to stop this from happening. Yes, I want to go back home. Eat my mom’s pancakes, hear my grandmother’s plague early in the morning, listen to the chirp of birds in our backyard and hang out with my friends at Cocoy’s diner. I miss my old life. I miss life. I know it’s been only three weeks. But this is really too much. I can’t bear it anymore.

And when I thought I couldn’t bear it any longer, this is what, what happened.

First, Maria was just walking ahead of me and she push the door as we both entered the performing area. Second, my head was bent low when Maria elbowed my stomach for no reason and I withered from pain. We were still at the side of the door standing.

“Ow— what was—” I looked at her. Confused.

“Stop acting like that.” She whispered.

Third, Lorraine looked at us confused and her hand motioned us to come closer to where she was sitting in one of the seats right before the stage and as I scan the kpop idols that are going to perform later.

Everything turned in a very slow motion. I thought my eyes were just playing tricks on me but I knew the time had stopped itself to bury this moment in my memory forever. There, right there, standing on the stage, Girl’s Generation. And the sight hit me like a bullet.

 

Unbelievable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

Hi. Uh, a reminder it doesn't mean that the Sone is a filipino means that I'm also a filipino. Lol

It was hard for me to choose the right nationality of the Sone. I considered Singaporean, Japanese, Vietnamese, so on and so forth.

There are things that I had to consider so as to come in the finality of the proper and just  jright characterization of Jamie. So as to speak, Jamie's character has to compliment Kim Taeyeon's attitude/personality.

Though, I made Jamie the natural fan, she's imaging the rest of us, an image of the usual sones, the naivety, innocence and excitement. (Ex. How does a fan like you react if you see your favorite Idol in person., how does a fan like you express if meet Taeyeon in person.)

So basically, Jamie isn't just one person. She is representing us. But obviously she has one body, in one body, as the lead character of the story, I made it possible to reinvent her. That she has an attitude of her own and it will blossom sooner.

You can type your questions and opinions down there. Hehehe.

Anyway, enjoy reading and thank you.

 

 

 

So what do you think?