Love. A four letter word. Two vowels and two consonants. Love. A short word. But was never simple. It was never simple, anyone? The most complex— the deepest not to mention the most immeasurable word of all words a person can describe. Is it an emotion? It is. But there’s more to that. A what? Through actions? Yes, actions. But there’s more to that. Is it something that we see? A vision. Again, there’s more to that. You see, when you put the real essence of love, it will just lead you into another question and another answer will bear. A question to answer. An answer to question. It is a never ending meaning.

Love has an immeasurable definition. So better to never define it at all.

Back in our province my mom and I always make a time to visit my grandparents every weekends and as a kid it was the kind of vacation the I most enjoy, I enjoy my grandparents because as their only granddaughter all their love were given to me and that includes chocolates and toys but though, I thought about my grandparents’ wrinkles and sagged skin and how they’re still able to love each other despite the diminishing beauty they once had. It was one evening, when I was finding one of my doll’s broken legs and I happen to see them in the porch sitting beside each other. The moon was out, illuminating both of them and that they were oddly silent. Their silence made the crickets louder than the usual. I stayed before them for half an hour and waited if ever one of them would break the blanket of stillness but both of my grandparents remained silent until they went to bed.

It seems only the old are able to sit next to each other and not say anything and still feel content. Later on, I wondered if ever I will meet someone, just sit silently, watch the stars in the sky and hear the sound of our breaths in rhythm with our heartbeats. As I’ve witness from my beloved grandparents they, alone define love in the most inexplicable form. Silence. Silence is whole and pure because in there it’s where the unfounded emotions of two lovers bear where words are useless and meaningless and the rarity of it connects the two people together, effortlessly.

When silence has become the form of conversation.

Anyway, it’s been half a month since the nerve-breaking conversation Kim Shana, from time to time I check on her and she checks on me but never had I had the guts of opening the topic again. It was already painful. Mostly because she’s barely eighteen years old and the thought of it angered me. But I’m more than anything else I'm concern. I think of her most of the time and cursed myself for being no use at all. For being useless.

I feel that I have to do something. I have to help her. But I just don’t know how to.

Every weekend both of us spend our dinners together along with Ji eun, fortunately, Ji eun hadn’t notice the awkwardness built around us. Shana had warned me anyway never to tell anyone and I had no choice but to keep my word. Though I think Shana made a progress, personality wise, she had been socializing with our co-trainees and that she tend to smile and talk more and the progress made me happy deep down although she still keeps to herself, distancing from the people if they ever get too close to her. The fright was always there like a dark hollow cloud looming before her.

Also, I made a progress, my Korean language had enhanced and that Sir Eunhyuk was more than proud than my mother finding out that I passed my math exam. No, don’t get me wrong, I don’t speak Korean with fluency like of the native Korean speakers.

“But that won't mean that you have to stop learning,” He said, serious. Smooth his hand inside the drawer and got a brown envelop.

I smiled and looked assured, “Of course, Sir, Ji eun still teaches me during our free time.”

“Anyway, I had a meeting with SM entertainment a week ago.”

A week ago? I suspect that was perhaps when Shana revealed to me her darkest secret.

I nodded, “Yes.”

“And that we talked about important matters.”

Okay… so does it have to do with me?

He placed the brown envelop on the table, smooth open as he got the papers inside and laid it before me.

“And for your next exam,” He sort of chuckled and that got my eyebrows rising, “I want you to read the first paragraph in the first page.”

It was all written in Hangeul so I was quite having a hard time remembering the Korean alphabet that Ji eun had given me. I curled my eyebrows and squinted in the first upper case sentence that I had to read.

“Lee Soo Man Entertainment,” I say the words carefully, afraid that I might pronounce each of the word incorrectly.

He looked at me and nodded, “Go on,”

I looked at the papers getting nervous, “Lee Soo Man entertainment is to attest that Choi Geuk Entertainment has been legalized to work as to follow the rules and regulations without further interference—”

“Very good,” He nodded. “Go on with the next paper, read the first paragraph only.”

“This is to affirm that Choi Geuk Entertainment, under the supervision of Choi Eunhyuk, in training for manager, Ms. Danielle Jamie Javier is to be given the license to work as So Nyuh Shi Dae’s dorm cleaner…”

What?!

I shot my eyes bigger, I swear, my eyeballs had nearly popped out. My jaw was hanging as I read the paper again, trying to calm myself and to find fault in my reading. There must be something wrong with my Korean knowledge. I must have misread the context. I must have read it incorrectly… I must have… okay this is impossible.

“What?” He cocked his head to one side.

I looked back at him, perplexed and confused, “Did I read it wrong?”

“No,” He said, matter-of-factly, “You are the newest So Nyuh Shi Dae’s dorm cleaner.”

I almost died on my seat.

***

Before, many years ago, Girls Generation’s dorm cleaner was gay and within two or more months he already moved on the second sector which was to become a personal assistant and now I heard he is an administrator of a famous fashion show in London, England. He was a great trainee along with the Japanese trainee I told you earlier, apparently, it’s been years since SM entertainment had permitted the girls to have a dorm cleaner.

First in foremost, I didn’t know this until later, but only the fortunate trainees are given the chance to work with stars like them— they are the biggest stars in today, so you must understand how important ‘privacy’ is for the group. SM entertainment do not just accept any trainee that our company is offering, it’s not that easy in fact it’s hard near to impossibility. This is what we call, ‘The long process’ occurs, SM entertainment is given forty to fifty trainees to choose for the most suitable dorm cleaner, they would do the runs of resumes and documents of each trainees— and then the overruns— the long overruns until it sets out into one trainee left or sometimes none. They were that strict and that they would let Girls’ Generation’s managers clean their dorm even if it’s not part of their job.

A year ago, Girls’ Generation had a personal maid and there were rumours that one of the managers fathered her unborn child, she went in Japan and had an abortion. When asked if it were true, she frankly confirmed it and that extremely made a ruckus in SM, given how the managers are close to the group and that the bosses came to worry if he had laid a hand in one of the members. Obviously the manager was fired. So SM had many reasons to be austere in every decision that they make. I guess, part of this is the reason why the girls had bought their own houses around the city hence the dorm will be of no use anymore, well that, except if their having their tour and a new album that they have to promote and they have to spend around one another in the dorm for months.

Anyway, the thing that ticked me off was that I was already endorsed in YG entertainment’s Big bang and Sir Eunhyuk had already signed the contract, I assume, did he? I’m not sure if he actually signed it but why would he decline my endorsement if it was already settled from the start. Why would he include my resume in those fifty trainees he presented to SM entertainment if YG entertainment had already endorsed me? Also, the fact that SM entertainment endorsed me at the same time in Girls’ Generation when they had other forty-nine options, why me? There’s nothing extraordinary about the things I typed in my resume or my other application papers.

This was burdening me. It came to my senses that, Sir Eunhyuk built trust and confidence. I didn’t see this coming as a matter of fact and I don’t have even the slightest idea as to what gotten into him to trust me this way. I knew that, he forced SM entertainment to hire me. I mean, not force but pursue me in the best way he can among the others.

“Isn’t that amazing?” Ji eun said, sarcastically. She turned back at me and sauntered all the way to the kitchen.

I shrugged feeling irritated with her actions, “Hey… c’mon I know you’re not happy about it.”

She opened the fridge and got a pitch of water.

“I’m happy for you, Jamie-ssi.” she smiled forcefully.

“You’re not,”

“I am.”

She placed the jug on the dining table and turned back from me as she rummaged through the cupboards above the sink.

“See, you’re not.”

She faced me, holding a glass and sat on the counter. “Quit it, okay?”

I sighed, upset, crossed my arms on my chest and sat in front of her.

“When will you start?”

“Next week, Wednesday,”

She smiled at me, “Good luck then.”

“Why are so mad at them?”

She looked at me quizzically and quiet surprised, “I’m not mad at them,”

“Ji eun, tell me about it,”

“About what?”

“You know what I’m talking about.” I interlaced my hands on the table.

She drank a glass of water slowly that I thought whether she’s doing it on purpose to avoid my question. There was a click as she placed the glass on the table.

“You have to be careful, Jamie-ssi,”

I suddenly felt reprimanding myself for forgetting to ask Shana about Girls’ Generation.

“Be careful about their managers?” I laughed.

She smiled at me.

“Well, I guess so, I don’t want you travelling in Japan—“

I held my hand up high and waved frantically, “There’s no way I’m getting pregnant!”

As the topic goes off to somewhere more comforting between us it made me realize that from now on, things will never be the same and the load is on my arms pushing myself downward causing me to lose my confidence.

I wasn’t able to sleep that night.

***

It was a sunny Wednesday when Jung Woo picked me up from our place. The sun was searing brightly but it didn’t help betray the cold breeze of winter. I wore two jackets to cover my chaste body from the cold weather and slammed the door before me as I entered in the passenger seat.

“You are only allowed to clean their living room and the dining area as well as the restrooms.” This was Jung Woo’s version of greeting.

“Yeah,”

“You cannot enter in their rooms.”

I rolled my eyes, “As if I hadn’t read those in the papers.”

He laughed as he eased out from the parking lot.

Far from all the things that I had experienced, this was the most terrifying ride of my life. Excited? Nope, I’m not, I’m afraid, if you ask. If something goes wrong in their dorm the blame will be on me and it’s not that I’ll be seeing them anyway.

As I learned, the reason why Sir Eunhyuk endorsed me as Girls’ Generation’s dorm cleaner was he couldn’t bear the idea of me de-javu-ing what the Japanese trainee had done many years ago. He thought that I’m going to flirt with the Big-Bang members and ridiculously he thought that I would run off with one of them. Upon hearing this from Ji eun, I burst into laughter, thinking of how silly his reasons were. But this is business they protect the company from harmful incidents that might happen again and as a trainee I couldn’t do anything about it but to oblige what they instruct me to do.

When we finally arrived, Jung Woo had encouraged me to enter alone for he has something else to do and time is running. He rolled the window and popped his head upwards.

“Jamie-ssi, fighting!”

I smiled back at him. I watched him as he slowly eased his car from the parking lot and turned around the curb where I could no longer see his car anymore.

I breathed fresh air and smiled to myself. I looked around me, up in the sky, smooth my hands inside the pockets of my jacket and thought, there is something that I had to do is it? Yes. Just like every day, there is something that I have to do, what was it?

“Hi, I suppose, you are Girls’ Generation’s cleaner?”

It was one of the guards that crowded the front building. Where the entrance area was located, there were at least five of them.

“Yes.”

“Good morning,” He said, “They’re in Japan right now and they’ll be back by ten o’clock in the evening.”

He was an old man, probably in his mid-sixties with wrinkles and sag skin that resembles my grandfather’s physicality. But there was something very comforting about him. Calm and very welcoming. He smiled at me as he led the way.

Girls’ Generation’s place was something that I truthfully expected, but still, I was surprised of how big it actually was. You should see their living room. As a normal helper would’ve done, I mopped, swept the living room and dining area which were pretty huge for a single body to clean. I brushed the dirty windows which were the dirtiest I’ve ever touched. I scrubbed the floor in one of their restrooms, beside Tiffany’s room and within an hour, my back was already aching. I decided to sit down in their sofa and massage the back of my head. For about five minutes, I was ready to clean again and this went on for two hours.

Surprisingly, cleaning wasn’t that tiring at all, in fact I was enjoying every second of it. Partly because it was Girls’ Generation’s place and I had the free access in knowing what kind of lifestyle they have off camera and partly because it was peaceful to work alone. From time to time Ji eun and I would talk about matters in Geuk and would asked things regarding about how I was doing in my new job and she seemed pleased with my stories compared from weeks ago when she found out that I’m surprisingly be working under Girls’ Generation.

Even with our hectic schedule Shana and I still find ways to meet alongside with Maria and again, never had I had the courage to broach what was happening to her in Seongdong and besides Maria was with us all the time so I had no chance of talking out of it to her. The problem was me because I can’t think of the possible way to get her out of this predicament, I mean I don’t want her spending her free time being a hooker and most of all I don’t want her to think that her future is a blur with no hope in sight. I don’t want her to give up. Day and night I’ve been thinking for an easy way but I wonder if there’s actually an easy way out from her cage and I wonder if this is actually her fate, to be jailed forever. Because there’s no way of knowing if fate is controllable once you’re trapped.

Three months had gone since I arrived in here and Ji eun was right, the exhaustion had already wore off, it wasn’t tiring anymore, it was my new lifestyle, a lifestyle that transformed into a habit. I had met mom and grandmother over Skype and before both of them could utter a word, they were already crying. The sight of them was heart-breaking, it throbbed my heart so bad that I felt like an iron rod had smashed it. They were questioning me whether if they had done wrong in the process of it, because they had never thought that any of this would happen and so was I. They asked me to come back home but obviously the answer was no, not because I don’t want to but because the contract was due for a year and Geuk would sue me if ever I secretly break the contract.

I miss them. I miss my family. There’s a part of me that longed for their protection because, again, I’m alone and being alone is seeing my world as a deserted place. Again, perhaps I share the same fate as Shana in many ways and I wonder if ever I’m already trapped in my choice.

***

It was one cold afternoon when I arrived at their dorm, I lost track of how many times I’ve already been cleaning their place. For me it was a clean break and nothing out of ordinary, I felt the diminishing excitement of them being my idols, this was work, work, and work. I was used to it and that this was already my life. A normal day with things to be done and nothing more will happen or so that was I thought.

When I stood on the threshold, the milieu shocked me like I entered in the wrong dorm. I walked around and the living room was miraculously clean, I stormed in the dining area and again it was clean, there were no dishes in the sink, colas and unfinished junk foods on the table were not in sight. I walked slowly between the dining area and the living room, battled the pros and cons considering the possible conclusion in my current dilemma.

As far as I know, Girls’ Generation had just finished promoting their album days ago and that Jung Woo had told me that they were having a vacation and had all went home so who in the world would dare clean this huge place? I sighed, feeling unhappy about this, where else am I going to clean? Everything is spotless.

“This needed no cleaning.” I muttered to myself.

I thought about going back in our place but no, it was stated as one of the rules that I have to accumulate the whole three hours no matter what happens. Three hours. What am I going to do in the whole three hours?

“Bathroom?” I whispered, “Yes, bathroom, clean the bathroom.”

But before I could make a step, the noise of the door being opened echoed around the stillness of the dorm, I expected one of the guards had probably wanted to have a talk with me. I readied myself, turn around and when I did, I realize how wrong I was.

My jaw dropped a little and I just stood there looking at Kim Taeyeon for what seemed like a long time, shocked into silence.

I couldn't believe this is happening. Again.

The second time that I met Kim Taeyeon, her hair was messily hanging beneath her chest, there was a glitter in her eyes that caught the lights, sparkling like diamonds. Set against her is a black coat tailored exactly for her, she was stunning to behold. Her skin was white that almost blinded me. She hasn’t wear makeup and still she was beautiful.

She looked exactly like an angel.

I was trembling as I step backward still couldn’t believe who I was seeing.

She closed the door gently and faced me. She stepped forward and moved a little closer, I noticed she was holding a plastic bag. Groceries?

She didn’t bow to me. She looked at me nonchalantly yet confusingly irritated.

“You’re the cleaner, I suppose.” she said.

It was the first time that I’ve heard her voice in person.

“I—” I said, my voice croaked. Stammered. Eyes blinked. And I surrendered to look down avoiding her scrutinizing gaze. “I should go home, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d go here, my handler told me that all of you had already gone home.”

There was something in her eyes that I couldn’t look at it. I couldn’t stare back. And this was better. I will never be able to speak properly without having to stumble all the words from my mouth if I look at her… perfect features.

I abruptly walked to the living room and got my bag that was sitting on the sofa when she suddenly appeared in front of me.

“No, it’s okay, I left the bathroom undone.” She said, and the way she talks, as if she’s singing the words that were coming out from .

So she’s the responsible for cleaning their dorm, huh? My head drooped— avoiding her presence, trying hard not to collapse in front of her.

“I’ll be in my room, just knock if you need anything.” She said soothingly as smooth as the linen silk of the ancient robes in Egypt.

The first thing that I did when she finally ease away from my sight was to breathe in and out. In and out. In and out. I did it repeatedly until I grew tired or until I convinced myself to believe that this, meeting her, talking to her, actually happened. My hands were sweaty if you may ask and I still trembled and that, I couldn’t stop trembling and alarmingly, I wondered if ever I could stop myself from trembling.

A year ago, back in Manila, inside my dirty room where posters of them stupidly hung on the door and walls. Yes there, in my room in front of my laptop waiting for their newest comeback music video on YouTube and I cursed and cursed because SM entertainment delays it then delay it again. Yes, I was one of you. I was one of those people who find happiness in every little thing that is Girls’ Generation. And I assume, there are millions of them. Millions of us. The fans that adores them. Yes, I was one of you and I had never ever pictured myself meeting them. Far from what I thought, because they were unreachable, they belong up there and the kind of people like me is too far to feel them to see them. Impossible to talk to them.

And I just happen to talk to the leader of the group. Assuring me that if I need anything, I’m free to disturb her. And right now, I need a CPR.

I let my fingers brush my hair, breath in and out and closed my eyes. There was something I need to do just like I always do every day and there was something I need to do the reason why Taeyeon is making me stay. She wants me to clean the bathroom just like I was entitled to do.

I pushed my body up and went directly to the bathroom. I readied myself and began cleaning. This was work. I spent almost an hour to finish everything. Scrubbing the toilet bowl and bathtub were more than enough to make my back hurt that I had to stand up gripped my side while I keep moving. Work is work. A great dinner will be the right pay check for this. Say, bibimbap?

“A dinner date with Ji eun, Shana and Maria later will do.” I muttered to myself. A smile crept on my lips.

I hauled the mop, rest it before the door and looked around to assure myself that everything is spotless. And yes, I had done a perfect job. I exhaled feeling the exhaustion sinking into my bones, turned around and as soon as I got out, I saw Taeyeon sitting on the sofa holding a bottle of liquor, her face flushed, hair fondled on the side of her chest, she wore a white t-shirt and PJs. She looked like she had been crying and looked heavily drunk.

She was a mess. A beautiful mess.

I looked at her, stunned into silence. If this was something that I had to get used, sorry but no, there is no way for me to be accustomed with this. With her. Or with every member that I will happen to see. Because this wasn’t my everyday life. This wasn’t something that happens to me naturally.

I was having these thoughts when I realized that she had been staring at me the moment I got out from the bathroom. I avoided her presence right of the bat, I steeled and reminded myself that this is work not a fan-signing event and the fact that it were stated on the damn rules, that I wasn’t supposed to be cleaning while an Idol is inside made me want to leave right away.

Casually, I walked, my head drooped, and got my bag that was ridiculously sitting a little closer to her and the proximity of our body got me trembling again. I was about to head to the door and when I heard her speak.

“Stay.”

A voice, smooth yet stern reverberated through the walls of the living room. You must know that, hearing her voice in radios and televisions are completely different from hearing her voice in person. It wasn’t melodic or anything, her voice, I tell you, is swathe with different emotions.

I looked back at her, “What?”

“I said, stay,” She said, her voice exhausted but demanding, “have a drink with me.”

 I blink at her, trying to process her phrase in my mind. My Korean is still awful. I must have misheard her?

And then, everything happened in a slow motion, she was now standing, second, she walked getting nearer to where I was standing and third, she held my wrist then smooth held my hand. And the first time her skin touch mine sent an electrifying feeling that was so foreign me. Her hand was incredibly soft and smooth.

But this is wrong. Working inside while an Idol is in, is a major offense and drinking with an Idol inside her place? Now, what do you think Geuk will do to me? They’ll probably roast me alive. Or throw me elsewhere.

“Uh.” I slowly pull away from her hand and looked from a different direction but her eyes, “I wasn’t supposed to clean while an Idol is inside but still, I did because you ordered—”

“And now I order you to drink with me,” She said, sounding mad but then she chuckled suddenly becoming neurotic, “no one’s going to know and besides you could keep me company, that’s not really a hard thing to do.”

I inhaled and counted to five to say no but then she held my hand again and looked right through me as if she’s seeing my soul.

“I’m alone,” She whispered, her voice croaked with detestation, “I just want company, that’s all.”

And that’s how she got me to stay. The way she persuaded me using the tone of her voice was completely new to me. She has a way of magnetically capturing the core of a person. I think it’s a deceitful tactic and people should be aware of this.

We were both seated in the sofa and she was already down to her third bottle of alcohol. And she looked seriously tired which added the reasons why she should rest rather than drown herself with liquors. For almost half an hour, neither of us had uttered a word, neither of us had broken the blanket of silence wrapped between us. And it was getting awkward, well for me. There was something about her that seemed oppressed. She was thinking of something— of someone? Or probably she’s just tired. Tired from work, perhaps. Being a celebrity is as hard as hard could get. But why the hell is she drinking? Alone. And why is she still here? Isn’t she supposed to be having a vacation with her family?

“Pardon me, what’s your name?” she asked, her face red and flushed.

“Jamie.” I answered still keeping our distance and looked at my hands that were placed on my lap.

She gulped the last shot of the bottle, “Yes, Jamie, do you want to have some? I still have remaining inside the fridge.”

I waved my hands frantically, “No, I don’t— don’t drink, y-you go drink.”

And don’t ask me why I stuttered. Because who in the world would not end up stuttering? This is Kim Taeyeon we're talking about. Kim Taeyeon.    

She stood up and walked all the way to the kitchen and within a second she was now back and laid five bottles of soju on the table. What the hell?

“Are you drinking all of these?” I wasn’t planning to talk to her. It hasn’t been on my list to strike a conversation aside from it being forbidden but what I was seeing shocked the hell outta me.

She looked surprised at my sudden surge of question.

“Honestly, I'm not much of a drinker but I certainly would,” she gestured the bottles on the table, “drink all these, if you wouldn’t help me.” And she smiled at me for the first time. Her teeth showing. I blushed that I had to turn away and cursed myself for being so. She was freaking beautiful. Perfect. Suddenly, the first time I saw Girls’ Generation in the stadium flashed through my vision.

It was magic.

“Drink.” She persuaded me again, using the tone of her voice. The magnetism of it.

And that’s how she got me to drink. First of all, I do drink with my friends. With people that I trust, I don’t drink around and sleep around and lastly I’m a horrible drinker, I get dizzy easily by the first punch.

I gobble up my second glass of alcohol. And third and fourth and fifth. It was continuous. Time ticked so hastily that I lost track of what was happening to me. To us. She was smiling. She was staring at me. We were laughing like old friends and I don’t even know why we’re laughing or what we’re laughing at. Her hand caressing my knee sensually. She held her hand up high as she smooth a stray of lock behind my ear. All I know was that, I was on cloud nine.

My vision was beginning to blur along with my head starting to spin. It was then when I kind of notice that Taeyeon was nearing to me. She’s looking at me intently. I slowly blink my eyes, trying to fathom what was happening but I couldn’t retain my focus any longer it was the alcohol blocking my sense. Still I used all my remaining faculties to keep me responsive of my surroundings and then suddenly I feel her arm smoothing my side as she wrapped it around my waist, pressing my back with much force pulling me closer to her.

And in one fleeting moment, I feel a cold wet thing flopped on my mouth. She kissed me full on the lips. First, softly and then roughly until she beg for entrance, her tongue lavishly and flicking. But obviously I was too drunk to stop her. And the worst thing happened. Her free hand touch my arm, smoothly caress my neck and then slowly her hand move downward, her fingers brushing my collarbone until she stopped on top of my chest. And in one brief second, I feel her squeeze my . And squeezed it. And then squeezed it. And that’s when a bullet hit me with a dedicated astonishment. When the realization made me popped my eyes wide open that I couldn’t seriously breathe and the alcohol inside my body had miraculously drained.

This is harassment. I thought to myself.

In one brash inhale, I summoned all my strength as I raise my hands and hastily pushed her hard away from me. She fell off the sofa and landed flatly on the floor with a thud.

“What are you doing?!” I yelled. My nostrils flared as I stood up and looked down at her.

She was still on the floor, her hands before her supporting the weight of her body. Her face was still flushed even much more that this happened and her confusion was clear as my flaring nostrils.

“Why did you do that?” I asked, trying hard to remain calm.

She was now standing, facing me as she dusted the back of her PJs.

“We were making out.”

And that’s when my raging anger burst like a volcano, “I know! Okay? I know! You just harassed me—”

“What, are you not in the mood? Maybe we could do it some other time? Say, uh perhaps next week?”

What the hell?

“I cannot believe this,” I said, as I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose. Closed my eyes. Breathe in and out. She’s just drunk. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s just— I— It’s pretty clear to me. It’s pretty damn clear. The things that Shana had told me? This was this. As vivid as what just happened to us. When I told you, that I was star-struck when I saw Kim Taeyeon in person at the stadium a month ago I might as well tell you this thing right now. When she harassed me, touching a forbidden part of my body, I feel disrespected, dirtied and insulted. I hated myself for allowing this to happen. This was my entire fault. If I followed the rules none of this would have happened.

The guilt throb my head…adrenaline pounding. I hear footsteps coming right to me. And then a soft hand touches my arm and I yanked it right away. I don’t want to argue with her. I don’t want to see her. If this is the kind of Idols that they have in here then sure as hell how fake they are on stage.

I turned my back before her so as to avoid her presence and without uttering anymore word I abruptly grabbed my bag from the sofa and headed to the door.

“What is wrong with you?” She asked.

I gritted my teeth and tried so hard to suppress my anger, being that she’s still an Idol— a superstar in Asia and her title demands respect. And though, I did my best to maintain the glare and anger in my eyes, eyes that were beginning to mist with tears. But I just couldn’t.

I faced her and my tears flowed in my cheeks.

“Look, I don’t know if your gay or you just want to have some fun. But exclude me to your chauvinistic desire because I’m not interested.”

She looked surprised with all that I said. She looked at me like she caught me stealing. And by my reckoning, she seemed offended.

“What?”

“Because I’m not gay,” I flinched as I said the last word, “I’m not what you think I am. Find someone else.”

She looked at me with huge eyes. There was a blanket of silence that had wrapped around us. She winced and stared at me for what seemed a long time. Her lips turning upwards, she was snarling and exhaled as she released all the words that kicked me.

“Gay or straight—” She shrugged, tensioned, the fury in her voice evident, “But do you know who you’re talking to? Do you know me? Do you know who just kissed you?”

And the look in her eyes showed how obnoxious she was. I know what she’s trying to say, I’m not stupid, what? Because she’s a star? That anyone who she wants to sleep with will agree to her? Wow.

Please tell me this isn’t Kim Taeyeon. The person in front of me is just a decoy. A ploy from the anti-fans who wants to ruin her image especially, that of Girls’ Generation image. Because I can’t believe this and I don’t want to believe her.

But as I looked back at her I realized I was treading in a dangerous path.

“Oh, yes, I thought I knew you.” I said. Disappointed. “But then, I was wrong.”

Those were the last words that I let out from my mouth and I knew for sure, that I had her left wondering. I turned around, walked out lifeless and worthless as the winter air welcomed me in the street. And for the first time, I didn’t know where to go.

***

:)