My life had been a tough one, the twists of fate were completely uncontrollable since then, a thousand of pages aren’t enough for me to write the whole history of my perilous life. Summarizing everything, I live with my mom since the moment I was born ‘til now. Childhood was great, literally, it’s something that I truly cherish— it’s all damn stir, turmoil but oh so wonderful, why? Because not all children had the privilege of having to get dirty and wounded in the mountain, seashore or climbing to an acacia tree and I was lucky to have experience those even more so. And that includes me getting involved in fist fights. I meant fist fight which makes it even funnier as I come to remember it now and the kind of mom that I have— oh well there’d be this long harsh paragraph she had to release from her raging anger before medicating the clouts in my face. Now, my mom— she is the best mother in the world— well, sometimes she could be as annoying as your alarm clock waking you in the wee hours— but that doesn’t make her any less perfect ‘cause even in the next life I’d still choose her as my mother guaranteed no second guessing.

She has the longest patience I’d ever envy on and nobody I meant that nobody had ever had a fight with her given to how kind she is to everybody even to those who dislike her for no reason. However, there was one person who had hurt her so bad that I as a daughter witnessed it. It was a man, I remember it very clearly, I use to hear him cursing at mom, shouting at her or even hitting her and she had to lock me inside my room so I may not have to witness what he does to her. But I’m not stupid. A seven year old kid knows when his/her mother is hurt. That man was my father, so it’s like having the perfect mom is actually having the imperfect father in the world huh? I never had any positive memories with him since I was born; he was a stranger to me and so was I. The last piece of memoirs I had with him was when he left us for another woman. Life I’ve learned is unfair, if people teach anything in school that should be it.

So for six years, my mom and I were finally in peace away from the curse words of the man’s spiteful mouth. Away from him. Try to drown yourself in the ocean for two minutes and merge from above see how your nostrils and mouth turning into a wide cave gasping for air— that was the entire feeling. Everything was smooth sailing, never had on going predicament— we were in peace though there’s one thing that has been our problem since. My mom and I don’t have a permanent place to live, we rented an apartment but then after a year we transferred into another city. We were informal settlers anyway. We transferred to different places for five times, can you believe that? Those places brought extraordinary memories in my life and never had I regretted it. So upon finishing my grade school, we moved under the care of my grandmother in Manila, who was my father’s mother. She had been sustaining our daily needs and my schooling since then and my mom used to say whenever she can see that I’m being lazy again with my school works, “If you get a zero again in your math quiz, I tell you, lola is going to dump you elsewhere!” In Filipino, we call grandmother as lola.

So when I entered High School that’s when everything seems so raw and new. That’s when every piece of everything changes. And the hormones of my body quite react to it impulsively. When false rumours and bullying are present. But this is high school, it is what high school is. This is what high school means. Crushes come and go— infatuations seem real feels like love but no, it’s not. It’s the raging hormones that we all feel. The impulsivity. Rawness but flamed. Newness but addicting. As I come to remember it now they’re just fragments of my memories. The lessons in that are what make it real. Why? Adolescence hones us to the person that we are meant to be.

College came, and that’s when extraordinary things started happening. Things like— my friend and I were walking in one of the dangerous streets near our University when a mad guy suddenly just popped in front of us out of nowhere and snatched my friend’s pouch. And my impulsivity took better off me without realizing it. I ran as fast as I could and because he was damn fast I hastily took off my three inches heel sandal, levelled at the guy’s head three meters away from where I stopped and though he was still running. I focus, zeroed in and threw it as hard as I could and bam! His world shook when the heel knocked his head down and you should see the priceless faces of the people who saw what happened. I even thought that they were more bewildered by what I did more than what the snatcher did. Obviously, the pouch was returned to the rightful owner. I was more irritated when I saw that it was a juicy couture pouch. Who in the right mind would even bring a pouch as expensive as my monthly allowance? And the next day, I was in front of our University’s newspaper. Danielle Jamie Javier saved a life. Now, that’s exaggeration and nope, I saved the life of a juicy couture pouch. Bright pink. Thanks to my three inches heel though.

Then there’s this memory that I have to share with you, the most extraordinary experience that ever happened to me. When I found out about Girls’ Generation. At that time they were promoting their newest album, Mr. Taxi that was 2011, if I’m not mistaken, how I found out about them? Well?

It was freaking destiny. It was fated— that it happened because I had to know them. It was one normal night when my classes ended and I was waiting for a cab ride home when bizarrely every cab that passed by had at least a single passenger and I stood under the waiting shed for almost an hour. I remember to have wondered about the sudden urgency of the people at that time— the more bizarre it was, was that— a typical day and yet I couldn’t find an empty cab. This was the first time in my college life that this happened. Annoyed, I stomped my feet and head to the subway that wasn’t too far anyway. Here it was, while I was walking— midway to the subway I happen to pass, a café and I thought of buying my favourite Frappuccino. Funny thing, there was only one costumer as I entered which makes the only two of us crowding the whole area. I stood before the cashier waiting for my order for almost what? Ten minutes. I know its not that long but c’mon I am the only costumer their attending what is this inefficiency? Annoyed again, I threw myself on the chair right before the entrance door— mirroring the other costumer two tables before me, who was busy typing on her laptop and suddenly after a minute or so, she played a song that changed my life forever. Just the intro— just the freaking had my mood switch into excitement.

The song was soothing in its way— the melodic tune shouted for hope and completeness. The thing is I couldn’t understand the lyrics it was some sort of Japanese or what. You know what I did? I didn’t know what gotten into me that I got the courage to stand up, head to her and asked for the title of the song and who sang it. And I’m not usually like that. I went home and searched for the song that caught my ears.

Perhaps that was the most memorable night of my life given to the things that happened afterward ‘cause you wouldn’t have the guts to believe what fate had for me.

Anyway, I spent the rest of my summer with Girls’ Generation that meant— their music videos, interviews and variety shows. Nope, I’m not a fan of Kpop before, I don’t even… find them interesting or what. But with the nine girls— I don’t know, I just seem to be tongue-tied whenever a friend would ask what did I find in them for me to love them so much. Because, really I wouldn’t be able to explain it. No words. No freaking words can describe my love for them. So don’t even bother asking it.

Well, I’m not the addictive fan who could you know, fly to Japan to watch their concert and then stalk them to their next schedule or what. Besides, I had no money to do that and save thousands of their airport pictures, maybe I had like twenty pictures of Jessica, Sooyoung or as a whole group. I don’t even have their complete set of albums, I had two. Gee and The boys. And that’s it. I love them for all I know, in their simplest ways they make me happy, and I guess, I can say that I’m one of their millions of fans. Here’s the thing, finding out about Girls’ Generation is different from having them in your life— you may say you like them and that’s it. Having them is like they’re your medicine every moment you feel weak they’re your excitement every time you’re bored they’re your happiness every time you feel sad and most of all— they up your fears and they become your inspiration. If that’s how you feel and the way they are for you then no doubting you have them wrap around your life. They give courage, my friend. Courage. I do think that it’s their strongest trait. They’re beautiful courageous women. I bet none of them would be on top if they weren’t courageous enough to engulf high boundaries. And as a fan, that makes me too.

And I never stop dreaming, every night before allowing slumber to enter in my vision I’d always imagine what’s it like to meet the nine in person.

Then I guess, the rest is history, it’s a rough one that I wish I hadn’t pass through.

So that’s it, I hope I didn’t bore you out there. Well, were not even in the start yet.

It started when my friend told me that Geuk entertainment is going to give a free interview to whoever interested in working with them. That meant they are going to have meeting schedules in different countries in Asia. I know what you’re thinking, an entertainment? Would that mean that I wanted to be a Kpop Idol? No. That, never had been part in my options. Why? I’m certain of two things, first I cannot imagine myself singing and dancing on the stage in front of thousands of people part of it because I don’t know how to dance, and singing is something that I only do every time I take a bath. Second, Geuk Entertainment don’t polish Kpop Idols, they train movie directors, managers, makeup artist, future Supervisors, organizers, talent managers, stylists, makeup artists, fashion designers, writers, hosts, videographers and every profession behind the world of Entertainment. So there’s an entertainment for such and such, huh?

What profession did I choose? A manager. Nope, actually a CEO of my own entertainment company. I want to have my own entertainment company someday. Of course that’s impossible…for now. You see, I’m not the daughter of some boss of a certain company. Who I am? I’m just a simple girl living in a simple life with the biggest dreams but I’m not stupid to just sit down, ponder about my life, and imagine what could be of me in the future and just dead imagining. I have to keep moving, I have to do something, I have to take the risks no matter what are the circumstances. And I truly mean that. Dedication and passion? Huh, you can’t work without the two. Believing—aside from taking risks, you must also dedicate yourself to whatever profession that you want to be— if not then you might as well stop living. To live is the rarest thing in the world, some people just exist.

To accomplish great things, you must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe. Also, you shouldn’t consider distractions. And— boyfriend is the kind of distraction that I’m referring. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a man hater in fact I have lots of guy friends and I cherish them— but my dream is at the peak of my priorities and I’m truly passionate about it. And no I’ve never been into a serious relationship before, perhaps dates, I dated two guys my whole life one in high school and one college. The one in high school lasted for months, the one in college lasted for over a year, and it didn’t work out… thankfully. To make it simple, staying away from love is the easiest way to achieve my goals.

Going back, so it was a sunny afternoon in the 22^nd of February, 2013 when my friend escorted me for the interview that’ll change the course of my fate. There were estimated two hundred applicants on the first day and you can imagine the long queue outside the booth. Thankfully, they led a place for the applicants who were patiently waiting. I was one of the late applicants who arrived anyway so I had plenty of time to review myself. I won’t say that I was nervous but I won’t also say that I was confident. I felt like choking…okay maybe anxious is the right term. There was something confusing about the incident— a doubt? But of course I dismissed it right away.

Finally it was my turn. I’ve waited for like three hours. They gave me three minutes to freshen myself and the clerk gave me the signal to enter. It was just a freaking booth and I felt like all my energy had drained from my body. Nervous, apprehensive, suffocation all mashed up in a ball and exploded the moment I entered their office.

A man, probably about late in his 50’s was browsing through my application form.

“Hi,” He said.

I sat down in front of him my hands placed on my lap with pensive attention, “Good afternoon, Sir.”

Honestly, he wasn’t strict looking. He wore a white sweatshirt and black slacks that confused me if he works as a farmer or a manager in the most respected entertainments in South Korea.

“Danielle Jamie Javier.” He said, pronouncing my name. “What about your parents? Do they permit you?”

Oh no. “Oh, yes!” I lied. “I don’t know how to speak in Korean.”

“That’s the problem. You should hire a tutor.”

I don’t have money to hire a tutor.

We both looked at each other for a long time. He sighed and interlaced his fingers on the table.

"So… tell me about yourself.”

If you think that, the interview was a mess because I was nervous. Nope, you’re wrong. At the end of our conversation, I was already making him laugh. We got along well as if we’ve been friends before and that we haven’t seen each other for a long time. Even that he’s late on his fifties he acts like he’s young once again. Or maybe I made him feel like that.

As I lay down on my bed staring past at my window, curtains pulled at the side— the bright luminosity of the moon had served as the forlorn light cascading through my room. The fact that the stars are out and shimmered like diamonds made me feel like I’m on cue on a romantic scene in some chick flick movie minus the leading man. Sometimes, I am caught up with girls that has boyfriends, I mean, c’mon let’s admit it having someone in your life isn’t just a mere distraction at times it could be an inspiration. Okay, perhaps you’re thinking how hypocrite I am for ever telling you that boyfriends are distractions. Well, at times it could be a motivation. At times.

I thought about the interview hours ago again for like the nth time. Actually, I’m not expecting to be one of the five applicants among the two hundred or more people who had hopes to be able to be working under them. Yes, only five suitable applicants will be going in South Korea. Although there are three interviews prepared for us. The first interview? Well that was the interview a while ago. Warming up. Interviews are nice and comforting. I’m glad that they won’t instruct as to sing and dance in front of them. I mean if that’s part of their remaining two interviews that’s a major suicide for me.

After a week, the clerk who welcomed me in their office called over at home to part the news that I passed for the next interview. Obviously, I was drowning myself with excitement and happiness. I was one of the twenties who were picked and so the day for my next interview was dated on the 4^th of march, 2013 and to my surprise— he was the same man whose interviewed me again, I definitely took that as a sign. Until the final interview, I was called again. Picked again. Again. I was granted for the last interview, which isn’t very surprising because the man, Sir Sam Choi assured me for my endorsement. My final interview was dated on 9^th of March, 2013. Yeap, a SoShi birthdate. The day itself was gray and the sun was out of sight as if it’ll rain though it didn’t. There were of course twenty of us inside the booth, each of the applicants was interviewed for almost an hour. With vivid thoughts I was hoping that Sir Sam would grant my final interview, I was hoping that it would be him sitting down, laughing at my stupid stories, and telling me that he’s excited to be working with me in Seoul. Please be it him, was the last wish I asked when the clerk signalled for my turn.

As I entered, the smile on my lips turned sour in slow motion. It wasn’t him. A sudden sadness occurred to me right away, of how expectations crashed all my hopes.  It was a woman. Dressed in a very elegant red dress, pencil cut just above the knee well she was standing and her hand placed on the table supporting the weight of her body. She looked at me politely and nod. She…just brought charisma into a level that seemed unreachable.

“You can sit.” She said as she rounded the table and sat.

“Danielle Jamie Javier, you’re pretty. Really.”

“Well, not as pretty as you are.”

And then she faintly smiled at me. Not the kind of smile that I’m expecting. Not the kind of smile that I seem to put in Sir Sam’s face whenever I make an off-handed comment. Her smile was elusive, I can’t read it. It seemed that she’s not happy?

“A clever answer--”

Why do I get the feeling that I’m talking to the sorting hat in harry potter, where Harry was being judged whether if he’s going in Gryffindor or Slytherin.

“For a clever girl.” She continued.

For the first time I don’t know what to answer.

“Do you know that we do not permit pretty girls in our business?”

“You’re a beauty, then why they didn’t kick you out?”

She shot her eyes like daggers and I just realized the words that came out from my mouth in an interview!? In my interview!? The final interview! I hastily covered my mouth with my hands and shut my eyes tightly. Embarrassed. Like I was walking flawlessly and my ’s flaunting left to right because there were handsome guys sitting down on one of the benches of our school just near our institute building and suddenly I stumbled roughly as if I thought there was a pool and I ended up swimming on the ground. You know, moments like that? Yeah. Moments like that. No words for that. And the feeling. The goddamn feeling. The kind of feeling where you want to get invisible right away. But expect the unexpected. Remember the two guys I told you that I dated? Well, the second guy that I dated for about a year was one of the guys from the bench who was kind enough to go near where my face was parcelled on the ground and help me get up. He even carried me. And suddenly, I felt like Rapunzel. Could you check how long my hair is? Yeah that feeling. From embarrassment to the most beautiful girl on the planet.

Unfortunately, this one’s different. The woman in front of me well… she’s a woman. No one’s going to carry me away from this predicament. No knight in shining armor. I was about to apologize when I heard her laugh. A melodious laugh.

“They’re right about you.”

I shot my eyes open and squinted at her. “What?”

A charming chuckle escape from her lips, ”You really have a long way to go.”

Upon the completely nerve-racking interview had finished. I was anxious the whole time and I wasn’t able to look at her straight in the eye. Blame me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said.”

She frowned, “So you mean I’m not a beauty? Aw. That’s sad. At least they won’t kick me out right?”

“N…no… That’s not what I’m trying to…say…” I stuttered. Pretty sure my cheeks are flushed.

She looked at me steadily as if thinking of something next to say. There was a long pause between the two of us and my hands were getting sweaty of nervousness. Then she laughed at me. The thing is, since I was born my mom’s problem had always been my terrible mouth. The type of kid who’s not afraid to say anything that comes to mind. I say things that are meant be hidden. I say off handed comments. I was never afraid of anything; I even climbed in an acacia tree and almost fall off the ground. As a kid, I view the world as a learning place, a place where we are bind to be injured. However, my mom doesn’t approve to this trait of mine. She would always find ways to tell me that, there are certain things that should left unsaid. I’ve never believe in her, I always thought that life is too short to keep everything in mind but eventually I realized how wrong I was and how right mom was. More of it, later.

Anyway, she asked me about my portfolio and even some personal questions in my private life. We talked for half an hour and handed me a test paper and gave me fifteen minutes to answer it.

“Congratulations, you’re going in South Korea.” Was all she said before I went out and phoned my friends for the greatest news of my life.

For ten months. I’ve been waiting for ten months. Ten months of doubt and anxieties. My flight is tomorrow January 15, 2014. I lay on my bed exhausted and excited; exhausted from projects in school, thesis in every subject that I hated the most. Or I just clearly hated school. I was never the valedictorian-honor girl who makes her parents’ proud. Hadn’t I any choice? Perhaps no, firstly I have a very strict mother and secondly, I have a very monstrous grandmother who is as far as I know, thinks that education can lead you to happiness. And I strongly disdain her perception. Not that I’m against to education, it’s just that I know that my dream leads another way.

If you ever ask how excited I am for tomorrow don’t even bother because I’m not. To be honest, I feel anxious. This is uncertain, you see, I’m going to be alone starting tomorrow. And the fact that I am unsure of the results of my choices made everything terrifying. I don’t know what will happen to me in my first month in Seoul. Damn it, I don’t know what will happen to me at all. What if that entertainment is actually an agency for altering their recruiters into es? Nah, my mind’s just a little bit disorder. You can’t blame a nervous twenty year old girl travelling for the first time in a country that is not familiar to her. But I’ve already checked the whole handbook of Geuk.Ent., and I’ve learned that the Supervisor of JYP Entertainment was under them as a trainee fifteen years ago. But still, it doesn’t add up to my draining confidence, who knows right?

And there’s no turning back, the contract signing had been done four months ago and Geuk had gotten the preparation in Seoul. A condo unit they’ve aided for my stay is located in Cheongdamdong City and a Korean roommate all the way from Gwangju which is a great thing I’ll ask her to help me enhance my Korean language. That’s the thing. I can understand Korean if the speaker is not a native speaker that means if the speaker slows down in his Korean sentences. But of course 90% of the population there are native speakers which made everything complicated. When Mr . Sam Choi interviewed me, the first thing that he objected was the language barrier. However, I promised to them that in no time I’m able to speak in Korean with fluency.

Back in High School the lowest grade I had was a C- and that was when I corrected my English teacher for her wrong pronunciation of ‘poignant’ and C- wasn’t acceptable because all my quizzes were perfect. A C- for just correcting her pronunciation? Go figure. Well, it’s the kind of trouble I get with my frankness.  That besides the point, speaking in English fluently was perhaps one of the top reasons why Geuk approved my final interview. Later, I learned that almost none of the trainees in Geuk know how to speak in English therefore; they’re giving priority to applicants who can at least manage to speak one. So here I am preparing my things for tomorrow’s flight and made an extremely long letter to my mother and grandmother to bid my adieu. I don’t feel guilty at all instead I’m terribly worried for my girls but I assured them that as for my part, they don’t have anything to worry because everything is all set and I’m doing this for my dream and for the three of us.

Can you believe that? In that one fateful night, my life changed forever. What ifs? What if I hailed an empty cab and rode home? What if I hadn’t passed at that café? What if the server gave me the frap right away and I got out the very minute she played the song? What if? Heck, there’s no way I’m going to know about Girls’ Generation. No possibility of going to Seoul. None of this would've happened including her.

But it did. She did. She came.

***

Hi. I don't know if I did a good job in the first chapter, so basically, I really need your opinions. I mean, if I had mistaken something or confused you? So I'll have time to polish the next chapters. Oh well, did you at least like it?