Last night I cried myself to sleep. Thinking about my past was a hobby for passing time to me, except for it was a hobby that I didn't want or like. Sometimes I would sneak some sleeping pills that Eunhye takes from the kitchen cabinet so that I would be able to sleep peacefully without thinking about things. Sometimes, those pills tempt me- tempt me to use them for the wrong reasons.

I tried once. It was my first day at Eunhye's house. Wanted a glass of water to calm myself down- but instead I saw a small round bottle of blue and pink pills sitting on the counter top. Didn't know what I was thinking- my eyes were swollen everyday because of my tears- she left me- so I thought, what's the point of staying?

Took one.

Took two.

Gulp.

Took three.

She stepped in, glaring at me with eyes so wide it etched into my brain. A memory so scarring that it couldn't be forgotten. 

I shoved all the pills into my mouth, tears now streaming down.

Eunhye didn't scold me that night, when I woke up in the hospital. At that time, she barely knew me as I had just moved in a day ago. I felt blessed to have found such a good rental owner. She's not even my roommate, she's my comforter and friend. If it wasn't for her, I'd be long dead. I asked her before- why she didn't have a family. She simply smiled at me, eyebrows sagging, she sent me the message through her expression that she was in terrible pain.

Somehow, when i left my house two years ago, I thought my parents wouldn't care enough to look for me and get me back. When I left and found Eunhye's house, they actually followed me back to her house to take down her address- without saying anything to me. My parents continued to pay for my college fees. They sent me letters telling me how they were doing- but none of them asked me to come back. It confused me immensely, so did they love me or not? 

Just last year, when I was half way through college, I found out my father and mother had divorced each other. It wasn't surprising with their daily quarrels. I was thinking of moving back with my Mother but it was not practical as she lived the country side while my college was located near to the city. My mother wrote me a letter a month after, telling me that she settled down in a quiet house near the country side, then writing her address. My father however- messaged me through mobile telling me that he had moved to a studio apartment near his workplace. The difference between the two never failed to amuse me. But somehow I felt both of their personalities had fused into one confusing, awkward thing- me.

So I guess the first few chapters of my story had enough of my past. Someone once told me: if you keep brooding on the past, you'll never get to the next chapter.

And my present- well it's pretty boring. Only one interesting event was happening right now- Krystal Jung. Well, the only reason why she's interesting to me is that she knows my nickname L, which kind of contradicts my point of moving on to the present. But anyway, I'm curious. Everytime she looks at me, I get this sharp pain in my head. Something like a memory, or a flashback. She looked familiar, but all that showed in my mind was a kid staring at me with the most scarred eyes ever.

"Kim Myungsoo!" Suddenly, a voice interrupted my thoughts. It was Krystal, speak of the devil.

I looked at her blankly,"Krystal Jung." Blinking, she stared back and then broke out into a familiar smile. 

"I read your post last night," She said,"It was good. I liked the vocabulary used." She complimented.

"Thanks." I didn't smile although I felt like. Somehow, that habit had developed over the years since the last year of high school.

Krystal brought her knees to her chest. I was in the garden again, had my writing book clutched in my hand as i thought of the first day I met Krystal (which was not too long ago). She had asked for my book. I lied though, it's not my writing book but more of a diary. Inside contained many past events that could beat many sob stories that are told. I don't write in it, I read it. 

I stopped writing in it since the last year of high school. The last year of high school. If it was to end up in any person's possession i swear: I would kill that person and burn the corpse.

Krystal was obviously eyeing that book,"So will that 'one day' be today?" She chuckled sarcastically.

"Is that a question or a hint." I returned the sarcasm.

She smirked,"You are good at this."

"You wouldn't want to read it." I told her, standing up to leave.

"I want to read it," She grabbed my hand roughly, stopping me, giving me the sternest face ever. It was more familiar than her smile."Don't treat me as if I'm not here." There were almost tears in her eyes- sparkling and fresh.

I thought for awhile- why do i feel so guilty? I barely know this girl. 

I forced her hand away,"I don't know you. Stop trying to barge into my life and pretending to know everything about me." At that point, I don't know why I said that. I didn't hate her- i was just frustrated that I couldn't remember her even though she's so familiar.