This is for the boy with a skin that glowed deep honey under the warmth of sunlight. This is for the boy whose lips were as full as a blooming rose on a midsummer afternoon. This is for the boy with eyes as deep and mysterious as the pitch black darkness of a serene night. This is for the boy I gave my everything to.

The boy who left after taking everything I had to offer.

Dear Jongin,

I always knew that I was only one of your collection, like one of your toys that you collect and play with then eventually throw away when you get tired of playing.

I always knew you were just testing the waters with me; just tiptoeing on the surface of the deep while there I was diving and drowning myself on the water you were just trying to play with.

You were the brightest of lights.

You were the warmest of flames.

But loving you taught me that beauty can kill, that stars can fade their light and heart can drain a person.

It taught me how the brightest of lights cast the darkest of shadows.

It taught me how painful the strongest of flames can burn.

But even so, I held on. I let you deeper in me; let you become a cartographer that changed the very map I was used to exploring. Let you become an architect that built a body I was not used to having. Let you become an artist that sculpted a life I thought I was going to live in for forever.

You said you wanted to love.

I said I wanted to be loved.

I let you in so you can nurture me. I didn't let you in to drain me from within.

You were the poison that infiltrated my body, and it pains me to know that the cure for that poison was none other than you and your remedy.

But in a way, you also showed me a world I have never thought I will see. You showed me how the stars can shine so bright, how to dance freely even under the wrath of rain, how to stray away then go back home, how to travel and go places without ever moving my feet, how a shabby room with a single bed and dim light feel like the most luxurious of places when you're in it.

You showed me how kisses becomes invitations to a forbidden land. You showed me how playing with fire releases a body's honesty. You showed me how letting yourself burn a little with desire is a sinful feeling of bliss. You showed me how magical it was for your body to feel beside my body.

And it hurts to know that you're now showing those same things to another person and no longer to me.

Because I was just one of your collection. I was just another boy.

I wonder if I ever left anything to you like how you left with almost everything to me. You etched yourself too deep inside me, then did your best to rip it away. You dug a hole in my heart too deep for me to see, and it felt so empty when you leave it after staying there and nurturing yourself with love and affection.

But I am not blaming you for breaking me.

I always knew I am going to break right from the moment you asked me to love you. I took the risk. I fell too deeply. It was my fault.

I knew, all along, that I was just one of your collection.

That I was just another boy.

But I took the risk of being your lover. Took the risk of holding your hand and clinging to it. Took the risk of kissing you deep and becoming drawn to it. Took the risk of letting you take me to a different world of lights and colors under my blanket and above my bed. Took the risk of experiencing that spark of life you can provide even when I know I shouldn't be too dependent to it because you're going to take it away eventually.

Took the risk of walking on clouds when I know it will hurt the most when I finally fall.

I took the risk of loving you, and actually hoped you'll love me too.

But then again, I was wrong. In the end, I was still just another boy.

Just another soul to corrupt.

Just another target to achieve.

Just another heart to break.

Just another fool.