It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It feels so numb. I cant move my left hands. He my blood again, again and again. Every one in my family told me that It wont feel hurt. They Lied. It hurts. It feels like he is not only my blood, but he my soul too. It feels like I can die anytime soon. I can’t take this pain. Everytime he my blood. He seems like beast to me. He has no difference with that wild carnivorous animal that I see in National Geographic Channel.

The only cure is her. I can only her when he my blood. She never changes. She always have that silent and apologetic face everytime she sees me. I smile at her. She turns away her gaze. I chuckle. She’s always like this, She never change. That’s why I liked her. That’s why I fallen for her. That’s why I’m still in love with her thorought all the years that passed away.

She remains the same.

She never change.

If I’m not a ansh, If she’s not a vampire, may be we could have a different story. That place sould be mine. Not this animal that my blood. I have known her first. I always be by her side. How I wish I could be his ansh. How I wish that she could be the one who my blood. Not this one. Not this animal.

First time when The Elder announce that I became his ansh, I had no objection, I had no regret. Even when I wasn’t be her ansh, it was fine. My master, He was a fine man. He was a 60-years old man that looked like a boy in his early 20-ies.

It wasn’t hurt. It wasn’t hurt when he my blood. Never hurt. It feels nothing, because he was meant to be my master, and I meant to be his ansh.

He got to know her. He got to know my lady. They’re became closer and closer. My hand became more and more hurt. It’s not just my hand that became more and more hurt, but my heart too. My chest felt like tightened by a big rope. They smiled in front of me. I cried inside.

“Nuna, there’s something between you two?” once I asked her.

“What do you mean? The two? You mean Yoochunie oppa and me?” I nodded.

“Nothing.” She shaked her head.

“Really? It is better to just tell me the truth. I won’t mad at you. I will wave a white flag. Back then you told me I was too young. I am growing up now. I was’t a boy anymore, I am a man”. I said it to her when I am 20. I took her words seriously. They didn’t  have anything. I convinced my self that I still had a chance. My hand didn’t feel hurt anymore.

But.....,

Four years ago, three years after that conversation.... They stab my chest with unseen sword. I hurt deeply inside. My body felt numb. They handed me a wedding party invitation with happy smile. The reality hit me too much.

After that unforgetable day, every time my master my blood,

my hand hurts,

my body hurts,

my heart hurts,

my soul hurts,

she knew it. She saw it. She saw the pain in my eyes, in my hand, in my heart and in my soul. She apologized to me, she asked me to be happy but it was too late, too late.

If I wasn’t an ansh, If she  wasn’t a vampire, If she never meet him. May be I could change the reality. May be she will see me. May be she will fall for me. May be she will in love with me.

Lee Gikwang                 

 An ansh longing his master’s lady