Being inlove with a guy who can't keep his promises, can't show how much he loves you, can't talk to you and ignores you everytime you see each other is really hard when you both know that you're inlove with each other. Sometimes you think, why can't he just ask me If I can be his girlfriend and I would quickly say 'Yes'. Why can't he just try to talk to me once so that he'll know how it feels talking to me in person and so that we can get comfortable with each other already.

For the past few days after It's finally confirmed that he trully left me without even saying a word I haven't eaten proper meals. I just don't have appetite even though It's my favorite food on the table I still won't eat much. I can't sleep properly. Sometimes I would wake up at night and check if there's a text message from him. It's kinda crazy but it's true. I don't think I could survive a day without him. But luckily I did because I have to. It's not like we've been together. It's just a mutual understanding which is I think it's nothing to him and a mutual understanding that I assumed of.

Monday. It's the first day of school after long holidays. I didn't go to school. Im not ready yet. I can't face him. I can't face the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. That he has a girlfriend to show everyone, to talk to, to hold hands with and to do all the sweet things I dreamed of us doing. I don't know what would I feel If I see him with a girl. Of course tease from his friends is there too. How can I avoid it if were all in the same class everyday. How can I move on?

                                                                                                    **

January 7, 2014 Tuesday

I woke up at around 7 o'clock in the morning. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. I went out of bed around 8 and eat breakfast. As usual I didn't eat much. I put the plates and utensils in the sink and wash dishes. After that I spend the rest of my morning in front of the computer. It's nearly 12 o'clock, I should get ready now or else I'll be late.

On my way to school, as always I was with my twin sis Minhee. She was so annoyed the whole time we were on the Jeepney because I was telling her forever about how hurt I'am. She's annoyed and keeps telling me that Im stupid to waste my time still thinking about Kai who is not even bothering to think of me right now. I also told her that Chanyeol is asking me out. Chanyeol is a our senior since he is already in his 3rd year in college. He's taking Bachelor of Science in Criminology. He knows Kai and Taemin well because they went to same highschool and sometimes they drink together so they get along well.

I told Chanyeol that I can't return the feelings back and that I won't allow him to court me. It's not that I don't like him but it's that I want to keep my promise to Kai. He once told me not to let any guy court me or near me except from our group of friends. I know it's stupid now that he already stop texting me but I still like him and still assumes that someday he will come back and continue all our un-finished business.
Once we entered the classroom everyone stared at us maybe because were thirty minutes late, or maybe because we didn't go to school yesterday or maybe just maybe because I got a new hairstyle. lol I dyed my hair red but then It faded and turns into brown-ish color. But nevermind that, I didn't look at Kai so I don't know if he was looking at me. We sat at our normal seats at the back while Kai is at the front I stare at him the whole time. It hurts me more seeing him all happy and act like nothing happened. I smile at everyone today of course but only God knows the pain I kept inside.

I asked Suho Oppa about Kai. He told me Kai got a girlfriend but they broke up already. They only went out for a week and that's it. They only went out because they feel like it and it's not even love. Im still glad Kai didn't take that girl seriously because if he did then I'll get super jealous but right now I feel great honestly. Knowing that he just used that girl as a past time. Well I guess that's not the right word for it but that's how I see it.

I feel a little different. I wasn't that nervous to see him. In fact, I have a plan in mind. I was planning ti have a revenge which is my friends thinks it's silly and that Chanyeol doesn't deserve to be use. Well it's not that I will use him I just know that if Kai finds out about him wants to court me maybe he'll realize that Im his and nobody can court me except him. Maybe he'll realize that Im the right one for him. I want him to get jealous somehow knowing that Chanyeol and I were texting each other.

So I told Taemin about this and he is shocked about my breaking news that Chanyeol liking me. I told him because I know he will tell Kai about this. Taemin talks too loud that everyone in the room can hear what he's saying. I know Kai already know that Im texting Chanyeol. I know he's listening. And It hurts me seeing him all comfortable talking to his friends(which is all girls since Taemin is talking to me) and seems like he doesn't care. I stop telling Taemin stories since he doesn't even care. Im just wasting my time. *sighs deeply*