RATED M FOR CONTENT. NOT UAL CONTENT.

March/24/14

Dear diary,

I tried something today. I’m not proud of it, but it relived some of my pain.

I…cut myself today.

Not too deep for my skin to bleed, but enough for my heart to stop aching and for me to get distracted. It shouldn’t leave a scar…

I’ll tell you soon why I did it, but for now, this is all I can write.

Taengoo

#

03-25-14

Hey diary,

I got that dull ache on my chest again. I was at school. This girl next to me on first period was so nice that I forgot about it for a second, but when she stopped talking to me, and I began to think, I felt it again.

I wanted to puke; I was so nauseas for no reason. I would lay my head down and clutch my heart. I tried pounding it for the pain to stop but it didn’t.

As I sat still during my test for second period, the feeling of the non-existing food in my stomach began to come up. I found it funny because the vomit I wanted to puke out wasn’t even there…because I couldn’t eat anything.

As the day progressed, I was too sad to even look at people. I would smile occasionally, but it’s funny that no one noticed how fake it was.

I arrived home and grabbed my scissors. I pointed the sharpest end and poked the skin. My heart was throbbing from excitement. I opened my palms and let the blade drag across the first layer of skin. I finally saw some blood; it came from where the blade started—from where I poked it too hard before dragging it across.

I’m not ready to tell you why yet, diary. Not yet.

Taengo

#

3-26-14

Hi, diary.

Damn. Today was such a struggle. A friend of mine offered me a cigarette. She said she saw the wound on my palm and knew it wasn’t a normal one. She told me she knows the wounds of those who cut, because she’s done it before, and that smoking was an alternative. “A healthier one”, she said.

I just watched the cigarette from her palms. It never occurred to me to do this, but then again, I didn’t even think about cutting myself. She closed her palm and shoved the tobacco-filled paper inside my jacket’s pockets.

“Just think about it, blood and pain aren’t the only option,” was her words before walking away.

The cigarette is in between the pages of this diary now. I’ve already done so many bad things for two-days straight…this shouldn’t be mind boggling, right?

Should I at least try it? I—

“Taeyeon?”

“Yeah, mom?”

“Remember to throw out the trash.”

“Okay.”

My mother just told me to throw the trash, should I do it there?

I guess I’ll write about it tomorrow, diary. See yah.

Taeng

#

3.27.14

I didn’t do it diary. I threw the cigarette away. This was one of the reasons why I…started cutting…

I told myself not to do those things…but is cutting myself…is that a sign of giving in as well?

Nothing exciting happened today. Not much stress. I didn’t cut myself. I didn’t feel the need to.

Taeng

#

3.28.14

Hey…

The pain returned. I don’t even know why. I thought I was getting better. I didn’t cut myself for two days…so why?

In school earlier, I brought a Swiss knife. Weapons were illegal in schools, so I didn’t show it to anyone.

I spent the last 15 minutes of lunch inside the bathroom. I picked the farthest and biggest stall. I dabbed a couple of paper towels in water and brought them in with me. I was craving for blood, diary, I needed to see it.

I sat down on the toilet seat and began breathing. I thought, I was finally gonna get some peace. I was finally able to stop the ache of my heart.

I chose the smallest knife from my father’s collection. The smallest Swiss knife he had. I couldn’t wound my palms this time, but since the weather was still cold, I could scrape my forearm.

The tip dug into my skin and I exhaled out of relief. I wasn’t going to make a big one, or else it would take too much time to heal. The incision wasn’t that big. It was barely an inch, but it made me feel better. I pulled the knife lower, making the cut bigger; now at an inch and a half.

I groaned when I pulled the blade out. Blood started dripping on to the wet paper towels on my lap. I tore a small piece and dabbed it to my aching arm. I sat there, breathing, trying to catch my breath. This was so far my biggest cut, and it felt better the longer the cut was.

I pulled out my handkerchief and tied it to my arm. I felt satisfied, was that wrong?

But, have you heard of Girls’ Generation’s leader, Taeyeon, and her song, Set Me Free? It’s funny, huh? We both have the same name and are going through the same stuff, but I doubt she would stoop so low as to cut herself, like I did. She had fans…I have no one.

Anyways, the lyrics said “Set me free, let me be,” why can’t the loneliness leave me alone? Why does it have to be inside of me? All the time?

Who will save me from this? I—don’t know anymore.

I’ll leave you this, diary.

“Set me free, let me be

Let me go so I can rest for a moment

Set me free, let me be

This isn’t right, like a fool, I keep laughing

The thing that suddenly passes by is the smile inside of me

I keep trying to bring it back but it just gets farther away”

Tae

#

29

This is beginning to be an addiction. I brought the Swiss knife again, even the feeling of the blade between my fingers made my heart thump in excitement. I knew this wasn’t healthy. I knew this was bad, but, I came prepared.

When my parents were asleep earlier, I took a bunch of medical materials. Plaster, cotton, betadine, and alcohol; I also brought some clothes if the blood were to drip.

Instead of going to lunch, I went before school. Nobody was there; I had it all to myself.

I won’t go in to detail on how I did it. I’ll just tell you that the cut was 2 inches, 3, 2-inched cuts.

Why? Because I cut myself 3 times today; before school, lunch, and after school. My left arm was so red and so bloody that I went dizzy for a couple of moments. As guilty as I should be, I was also happy and fulfilled.

I guess I’m ready to tell you.

I recently had a fight with my parents and my friends. I felt like everybody has abandoned me. The things they said…it was too much for me to handle. My mother said she didn’t need me in her life. My friends said I should stop being an idiot and experience life…the stupid way.  I trusted them, diary, I did. Both my family and friends are gone. They are bits of what used to be the happy me.

It also all happened on the same day.  It’s the end. The hole in my heart is too big, nothing can fix me now. Not even self-harm.

My life would never be the same, I knew that. I’m ready to end it all.

Thank you for listening, diary. I’ll see you on Monday. The last time.

T

#

“Hey, Taeng,” Taeyeon heard someone call out to her.

She turned and saw Sunny sheepishly rubbing the back of her neck. “What?”

Sunny flinched at the harsh reply. “Um, can we talk?”

Taeyeon glanced at her watch; it was almost time for her cutting session. “You have 2 minutes.”

“I just wanted to apologize,” Sunny said.

“Why?”

“B-because of the harsh words Yoona and the others said. They didn’t mean it, Taeng, you’re our best friend, and we—I love you.”

Taeyeon clutched her shoulder bag. The ache returned, and seeing Sunny apologize and saying like the damage they made was nothing made her bitter.

“Whatever,” Taeyeon spat out. She made her way out of the classroom and into the bathroom.

“Taeng, wait!”

Taeyeon ran and crashed into a boy. She didn’t even care that the contents of her bag fell down; the bag that contained her diary.

“Sorry,” she mumbled and ran away.

Sunny stopped and grabbed the fallen gauze and diary. She opened it and felt her heart rip.

#

Taeyeon managed to leave the school without Sunny following her. She went directly in to her room; her parents were still at work.

She jumped on her bed and screamed on her pillow. Sunny wouldn’t understand, everyone always loved Sunny, nobody could ever know her pain.

She twisted her body and decided, the highest suicide rate within the days of the weeks were on Mondays, right? So why not do it now?

She rummaged through her belongings and found that her diary was gone. She cursed. She must have left it somewhere.

It doesn’t matter. Any piece of paper would do.

And so she began to write.

31

This will be the last time I’ll ever hurt myself, because the pain will be permanent. I will be numb, and uncaring. Pale and lifeless.

 I apologize to those who I will hurt, if there are any.

Goodbye.

T

Taeyeon ran to the rooftop, eager to end everything now. No one would miss her anyways.

#

She opened the doors and saw Sunny there holding her diary in tears.

“W-what are you—“

“IS THIS HOW IT’S GOING TO BE?!”

Taeyeon was startled. Did Sunny read everything?

“TAEYEON, THIS ISN’T HOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THE SADNESS! I’M HERE, I CAN HELP YOU!”

Taeyeon’s senses went haywire. Sunny was the one who found her dairy, now everything’s done is out there. She went forward and screamed back, “YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND!”

“THEN MAKE ME UNDERSTAND!” Sunny cried. “YOU’RE NOT ALONE. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE!”

Taeyeon shook her head and covered her ears. “NO! NO ONE CARES! STOP LYING TO ME!”

Sunny ran to her and envelop the older into her arms. “Taeng—“

Taeyeon pushed her away and clutched both her heart and head. “GO AWAY! DON’T TOUCH ME!”

“Taeyeon-ah.” Sunny watched as her best friend, the girl she had fallen in love with, break down and refused any kind of help.

“No one will care. No will miss me, no one understands, nobody. I’m alone, all alone,” Taeyeon chanted.

Sunny slowly approached her and grabbed her left arm. Taeyeon screamed in pain and withered away from the grasp. Sunny lunged forward and tackled her. She had Taeyeon between her legs, trying to escape her hold.

“LET ME GO! I DON’T NEED YOU!”  Taeyeon kept on shifting, trying to have Sunny away.

“NO!” Sunny grabbed her arm and pushed the sleeves down. The freshly cut skin covered by a couple of gaze was dripping with blood.

“Why, Taeyeon,” Sunny cried, “I was right here, for you.”

“You’re one of them. YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE ME ONE DAY TOO!” Taeyeon spat out.

“WHY WOULD I LEAVE SOMEONE I LOVE?! TAEYEON, OPEN UP YOUR EYES! IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!”

Taeyeon kept mum and gazed on the cloudy sky. “I just wanted everything to be done with. It hurts to even breathe nowadays.”

Sunny crumbled down and held Taeyeon’s shirt’s close, as she listens to the breathing of the girl. “What about the people who cares for you? What would happen to them?”

Taeyeon scoffed. “Who would ca—“

“TAEYEON!” they both turned their heads to the opened door with 7 girls and her parents.

“TAEYEON-UNNIE! I’M SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN IT WHEN I SAID YOU SHOULD SHUT UP BECAUSE YOU TALK ABOUT NOTHING ELSE!”

“Taeyeon-ah, what are you doing?”

Everyone had a piece of Taeyeon in their arms. Whether it be her hands, feet, or hair, her entire being was surrounded by warmth. The heat she forgot this entire week.

Sunny leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Taeyeon’s cheeks before whispering, “You’re not alone. Even when you think we will all give up on you, it wouldn’t happen. I love you too much, Taeng, please don’t leave us…don’t leave me.”

#

“So, Miss Kim, how are you feeling today?”

“Lighter, actually.”

“That’s an improvement. Do you know why?”

“No, not really.”

“Is it possibly because of that girl outside?”

“Her? How so?”

The psychologist smiled lightly and stood up. “I don’t think you need further help, Miss Kim, didn’t you tell me you used to have a diary?”

Taeyeon nodded.

“I think it’ll help to have one again. You don’t need me when you have everything you need waiting for you.”

“How do you know they’re waiting for me?”

“You should answer that on your own, but for our sake, I’ll tell you this much. As cliché as it sounds, love can be the answer.”

#

“What did he say?” Sunny inquired when Taeyeon stepped out.

“Why do you love me?”

Sunny’s eyes widened and blushed. “I just do.”

“Even after all these scars?”

Sunny pouted and held the left arm gingerly. She caressed it and kissed the lines. “These, will be the reminder of our pain together. This will remind me of the time that I wasn’t there for you and to retell why I should be.”

Taeyeon smiled and held Sunny’s hand as they headed out. “The psychologist said I should start writing a diary.”

Sunny grinned. “Why?”

“He said I don’t need him anymore.”

#

April 14, 2014

Hey, new Diary,

It’s been a while. I really don’t have anything to say but…thank you. After all these scars, I finally saw that there are people that care for you; sadly I saw it the hard way.

But it’s fine; there are people who love me either way.

Sunny…after telling me she loved me again, asked me out. I went silent for minutes before saying yes.

I’ve never heard someone scream “YES” so loud. She was too adorable. Haha.

I’m happy again, diary, I hope Sunny will keep me that way till the end of time.

Until we meet again,

Kim Taeyeon

--i was feeling down lately--

Hello? It's been a while, huh? I missed all of you :D I missed reading your comments. HAHHA

Anyways, about depression, I recently had it and I honestly felt doing this. there were people who pulled me back up that's why i didn't. If i ramble even more, it'll be a problem, so ill just leave you to read my blog about it, if you want to.

but if you're as lazy as I am to read that long blog, to put it simply, help those with depression. i can't stress enough how important a simple "hi" is. please. after this experience, a person will never be the same, so help them out of it before they fall deeper in to that darkness.

I'll edit tomorrow, and probably add in to this. It's 12 midnight here. Lol.

BYEEEE!!! COMMENT IF YOU LIKED IT, OR IF YOU WANNA CLARIFY SOMETHING. OR EVEN IF YOU WANNA TELL ME SOMETHING.