Alright, so after long time, here's an update for you guys - I know it's been a long time since last time I've updated, which I am really sorry about, but things have been so busy for me ): Read the A/N in the end!
Now, please enjoy the story, dearies! 

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Dong Youngbae

“You ing fix it, and you fix it now!” Jiyong yells at me one morning. I sit in the kitchen, staring at him like he’s completely crazy – I do not have a clue as to what the hell he’s yelling about.

“Ji… The is your problem?!” I yell back at him, throwing out my arms. He rests one hand on his hip, looking like a housemother who is about to throw a fit.

Oh wait. He already did.

A little quieter, he sits down in front of me.

“He’s leaving. He can’t leave. Talk with him. Pleeeease, Youngbae!” he whines, and I look at him with a raised brow. Now he’s panicking too?

“Who?” I look down at the breakfast that I am about to eat and pick up a piece of the meat with my chopsticks.

“Daesung. Didn’t he tell you?” The meat stops in front of my mouth as I stare at Jiyong in shock. It was supposed to be fixed. The mistake was supposed to have been fixed! I don’t understand anything…

I slowly put down the food, pushing the plate away. I feel sick. I ruined it all. For you, for me, for all.

What do I do now?

What the hell do I do?!

What’s the reason behind you leaving? I thought that I fixed the problem! You can’t possibly think wrong of me, how can you? Then it should be because…

Tell me it’s not the actual truth.

What if you know it’s an act? What if… It’s the only thing that makes sense in my head. The realization makes me cringe and pushing back my chair, I stand up.

“So, are you going to talk to him?” Jiyong interrupts my line of thought and I absently look at him.

“What?” My voice sounds broken and I swallow. I can’t stand this, you can’t hate me. Everybody else but you, you just can’t hate me! Jiyong sighs deeply, repeating his question.

If I am going to talk to him? Going to hear him spit it out that he hates me? Voice it out loud that… I wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection.

“I… I can’t do that…” I try to smile, and chuckle as if it’s a stupid request that he’s asking me, but my voice sounds completely wrong. I swallow again and hope he doesn’t notice.

He does. And it makes him angry.

The next moment, he pushes me into the doorway behind me with a hiss.

“Hyung! You have to do this, no matter if you like it or not! Do you understand?! It’s your ing fault!” he yells at me, once more pushing me into the doorway. I blink, trying to comprehend what he just said.

He knows?

Jiyong knows that... I try to push the feeling of fear and anxiety that’s building up in my chest away. As always, the best defense is another attack and that’s what I end up doing. Attacking him.

“Why is it my fault exactly? What have I done?” I say, almost snaring, as I don’t succeed to completely hide the sound of pain in my voice, of frustration.

There’s no other to blame.

You hate me.

How can I change that?

“Because he’s in- because he’s ing your friend! I… I tried to talk to him but nothing works,” he says, letting go of me and walking back to the kitchen table. Just then, the other rapper of BIGBANG chooses to come by.

“Ya. What’s the matter? You woke me up, brats,” he says, sounding rather annoyed, but it seems like he’s blaming me the most, or is it my imagination? Am I just feeling that everyone is against me?

“Just talk to him, please?” Jiyong says in a calmer voice, flashing me a tired smile. I sigh loudly, feeling the whole world being against me. Which it pretty much is.

“Alright, alright. I’ll try. But don’t expect miracles from me.” I hold my hands up in front of me, as if to gesture that I surrender. It creates a smile on Jiyongs face but I don’t appreciate it right in the moment.

Persistent little er.

Violent little .

*~*

The day goes by at the studio where I am in the recording room again, working with my upcoming album which is supposed to be released in a month or two. But I just can’t concentrate, nothing seems to work. In the end, Teddy sends me home with worries that I am about to get sick, telling me that I should rest for a bit. I nod, not really listening as I pick up my things and walk out of the door.

What should I tell you? How do I fix this? I don’t want BIGBANG to end, I don’t want you to leave, and I don’t want you to give up BIGBANG. I don’t want to lose you.

I don’t want you to hate me, most of all.

Can I tell you the truth, just as it is?

Or do I convince you that it’s not an act, that it’s completely true? Maybe it would stop making you hate me. I don’t know what to do.

I could convince you that I am not in love with you, couldn’t I? I try not to think about it while I work, but it makes me space out all the time.

Getting home takes longer than usual and when I stop the car outside the dorm, I find myself hesitating before turning off the engine. It takes another moment for me to leave as I am lost in thoughts. How should I do this?

Why couldn’t I just not have let it go like that in the studio?

I sigh as I stand in the elevator, waiting for it to stop once at the right level. It takes an eternity, or at least it feels so.

And then I walk the steps towards the front door while anxiety continues to increase inside me. Once inside the dorm, I take off my shoes and my backpack and try to make myself ready for something that is pretty much everything since I don’t know how you will react.

It’s nerve wracking… Terrifying. And maybe even comical to an outsider that I – the buff guy, the confident and strong guy from BIGBANG, who does not seem scared of anything, is scared of love. But to me, love seems devastating and unreachable, which makes it hurtful and crushing. Even the strongest is able to fall under its spell. In this case, however, it seems like a curse. I can’t get you out of my mind, Daesung, I can’t get my eyes off you. Whenever you are near, I want to have you even closer.

Thinking like this brings forth guilt because this cannot be right.

After a minor search, I find that nobody is home. It gives me relief, but I soon realize that the waiting time in the dorm is even more nerve-wracking. And I am alone, because I know that Seungri is busy functioning as a MC in this new reality show while Seunghyun hyung is busy filming for this new movie. As far as I know, Jiyong is busy working with some new music for his own upcoming album, and I know how engrossed he can become, ending up not sleeping at all. It doesn’t help to calm my nerves that I can’t distract my mind in others’ company.

I just know that I won’t be ready when you step into the dorm, and it does not matter if that takes seconds from now or hours.

I will never be ready to take this conversation.

Why?

Whatever I think of saying to you, the conversation seems to end with a disaster in my mind.

I really don’t want to ruin anything.

To me, BIGBANG is home, friends, family. I would not throw it away for the world. Not me, not anyone.

As hours pass, the panic and anxiety that I feel inside me increase with them.

Why do I have to suffer this much?

Suddenly I hear the door open and close a moment after, small messy sounds of the shoes and the jacket that you leave by the entrance.

And then you stand there, staring at me with an unreadable expression on your face.

All the words, all the actions that I thought through, that I planned - gone with the wind, and with that, my breath, too.

You look so lost, so desperate and, most of all, lonely. Is this all my fault? How can it be?

You try to ignore me by walking past me, but I grab your wrist and stop you. The words do not need to be said – the meaning is evident.

We need to talk.

You look everywhere but on me.

“We have nothing to talk about, hyung.” How is it possible that words can sting like this? A simple phrase? I wince and look away.

It has to be now. I must do this.

“Yes, we do. There’s something that you don’t quite understand,” I say monotonously, fighting not to let my feelings get to the surface. I drag you to the sofa and make you sit down. You clench your teeth and look at the ground between you and me.

Which makes me wonder if there might be something that I do not understand as well, but I forcefully push the thoughts away.

“You want to quit, huh?” I say, going straight to the matter, and I see the reaction immediately. You cringe and tighten your fist, taking your time before answering.

“BIGBANG is no place for me any longer.”

“And why is that?” I say, feeling the anxiety build inside me. I do not want to hear the answer, the thoughts about me – I do not want to hear the disapproval of me. But I do not want you to go either.

Your reaction, your answer, is not quite what I thought it would be. You look at me suddenly, almost at the brink of tears, nothing like contempt. You look constricted, searching for the right words to explain, but the answer turns into a question instead.

“Why, hyung?”

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A/N: Uuuuuh, so what happened here? The next update won't take as long as this one took, I promise. Like, pinky promise! 

So, yeah, the reason for me being absent was that... I... I was abducted by aliens! Yes! I had a whole lot of troubles. Apparently, they thought that I was someone else and took me out into the universe for a couple of months... Crazy , I swear. 
Naaaaaaaaaaah. 

I've just been very busy with school these past months - finishing my high school, final exams, moving into my own place, starting at the university in Aalborg, yeah. Very busy. And I'm very sorry that I didn't warn you guys in advance.
I'm still at the university which requires work, but I won't be as bad as uploading as I have been the past... months..

Love, PirateGoatCalico!