A/N: Hello everyone! I apologize, first of all; it's a long time since I have updated on this story - I had a lot of homework that needed to be done. But you know what? I have finished after three years in high school now, and I'm a mathematical student now! Wee~! Holidays begin now! I will have more time for this now ^^ About this chapter - I hope you will enjoy it ^^ 

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Kang Daesung

I don’t hear the cracking sound of my heart breaking, but I feel it. Feel how my heart is shattered into a million of pieces. Why?

I totally mistook the whole thing, didn’t I? I snap after air, trying to keep my composure, and not look too surprised, but I can’t help it. I feel absolutely broken, empty, and numb.

You don’t love me, do you? How could you? It has all been a mistake from my point of view, a silly moment of hope. I let out a snorting sound in disapproval, disbelief. How could I be this stupid?

This girl… You have always been a bit awkward around girls, and now I see you hug one. There’s no way that she isn’t someone important, someone meaningful – or at least she is to you.

I cover my mouth with my hand, still desperately fighting to keep the façade, even if it feels like my heart bleeds out pain.

How could I mistake that? I was so sure…

A point comes where I can’t take the pain anymore, and simply begin to feel myself break down, as the pain increases. It feels completely crushing, and I turn around when I feel the tears begin to sting in my eyes.

This isn’t happening to me.

Stupid, stupid me.

In a hurry – for a moment, I get the ridiculous thought that you might follow me – I walk down the path that I came from, retreating like a wounded soldier; the only difference being that I am wounded on the inside and not psychically.

It seems almost sarcastically funny that my luck makes me able to hide behind the corner of a smaller house in the corner of the park. I breathe in, gasping for air as I try to hold back the tears. I angrily brush a stray tear away from my face, and run a hand through my hair, as if to calm myself. It doesn’t really help anything.

I have to get out of here before someone sees me like this.

I hurriedly walk the rest of the path which leads out of the park, rushing for my car. In my eagerness to disappear for a moment, even just for a moment, I stumble into one of the persons that I feared to meet, in this moment of weakness, despair.

Kwon Jiyong.

I try to avoid his gaze, quickly mumbling a sorry and moving past him, but as I do so, he grabs my wrist and pulls me back.

“What’s the matter?” He says with concern which makes me more uneasy – he shouldn’t be worrying about me – no one should be worrying about me and my stupid feelings. I take a deep breath, trying to think of something that can distract him, something that can make me able to get away.

But the only thing that flashes through my mind is the picture of you and the pain along the memory of what happened moments ago. I can’t think straight as the scene replays in my mind over and over, and I just want it to go away, want Jiyong to go away, and want to be alone.

How exactly could I be so stupid? How could I expose my heart like that?

“Tell me.” He almost commands and I wince, trying to swat his hand away, make him go away. My fight is soon over, as he makes it clear that he won’t just let me go like this. I don’t want him to worry about me.

He wants to help me, but seriously, what can he do about a broken heart? A one-sided love? But what does it matter that I tell him or not?

“I… thought that I had something… which I apparently didn’t…” I mumble while looking away, again fighting with tears and emotions, but to no avail. I snap for air, everything being too much to bear, too much to handle. The pain doesn’t halt, but continues to increase, making me consider the possibility of dying from a heartbreak.

I never heard of it, yet this pain seems impossible to bear, impossible to handle.

“Yearh?” He asks me, probably not understanding anything but trying to encourage me to tell him. Again, I try to figure something out that will make sense, but nothing seems to do right at the moment. But what would possibly make him leave if I look like this, all torn and broken? I am the one that smiles all the time; I am the smiling angel after all. But I can’t give him my smile this instant, not this time.

My breath hitches, and I almost feel dizzy from the pain in my heart.

“Is love supposed to hurt this way, hyung?” I ask him in a whining tone, and of course he doesn’t understand, and I didn’t expect him to.

“Breathe, Daesung… Take it easy-“ He tells me softly and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug.

I can’t breathe. This is so unbelievably hurtful, so devastating. I feel so weak, all of a sudden, so fragile.

How could I allow myself to hope for something as impossible as that? I feel warm tears run down my cheeks, tears that I didn’t allow to come.

“It’s going to be alright-“

“Not this time, hyung, not this time.” I whisper and finally I somehow manage to get out of his grip and turn around, before walking straight towards my car with determination. I need to get away, get at a distance, and distract my mind.

I don’t know if I will ever be okay again.

But I will have to try. Again. I tried to let you go before and I failed so terribly, you being the thing I desired the most. But I have to do this. You didn’t ask for my love, and to be honest, why would you?

I finally make it to my car, and I hurry into its safety, the cover.

I feel myself crumble completely, hiding my face in shaking hands before I lean against the wheel in the car. This pain has to stop. It kills me. You kill me. In a slow and horrible way.

“Youngbae…” I whisper your name without a purpose, my voice sounding ever so weak and hoarse, from all the tears, all the pain.

And all of a sudden, I let out a scream that mirrors my frustration, my devastation, my confusion.

I had felt so sure about you, that instant that I heard you sing like that, your eyes on me, showing so many emotions.

But it was for her, and you probably didn’t even see me as you sang, lost in your own little world while you thought about her.

Love can be so beautiful, yet be so catastrophic and have such a destroying impact.

Cruel. You’re so cruel, and you don’t even know, do you?

Somehow, after an unknown amount of time, I manage to calm down a bit and stop crying. I still feel terrible, numb, and emotionally dead. My eyes are hurting, feeling weird after all the crying, but it doesn’t matter.

It’s not going to make anything better.

I turn on the engine and drive out of the parking lot outside the Han River Park, and then I head towards the dorm.

*~*

I walk into the dorm as quiet as I possibly can.

“Ah, finally some entertainment!” A deeps voice breaks the silence from the couch once I try to walk through without getting noticed. I turn around and freeze when I find Seunghyun.

“You were here all the time?” I ask him, trying to maintain a smile even though he doesn’t seem to buy it.

“Pft. One of us has to… Try to imagine Jiyong or Seungri do this? They’d destroy the place as they worry and can’t sit still and what not.” I try to laugh at this, as I think that he wants me to, but as I do so, my laughter sounds unnatural and forced.

“You look like , dongsaeng.” At least he doesn’t lie to make me feel good. It wouldn’t help anyway, and I think that he’s aware of that too, judging the way his stare seems to go right through me, not missing anything.

“I haven’t slept well…” I say, looking away as soon as I’ve said it. He snorts, again not buying my silly excuses.

“You have to try better than that… You’re too obvious. Now, spill it, Daesung…” He mutters, waiting like he’s got every minute in the world to wait for me, to get me to talk. I clench my fist, and turn towards my room. I don’t need to tell him and I don’t want to. He should just… He should just stop worrying about me and my silly problems. It’s not like it’s something that I could share with everyone in the world. Not like this, not in this situation, not ever.

“It’s got nothing to do with you, hyung…” I wince, and run a hand through my hair as I sigh loudly, and then begin the walk towards my room. Why even bother trying to convince him that I am fine?

“But it clearly has something to do with Youngbae, doesn’t it? I saw it in the studio…” His words make me freeze for a brief moment, and I glance at him shortly before rushing into my room without another word.

I messed this one up, didn’t I? It can’t really return to normal.

Unless I try to ignore you, the pain inside me.

I could try.

For your sake.

You can’t know.

I sit down on my bed, leaning against the wall. I hug my knees and rest my head on them looking towards the window, and the blue sky outside.

How did it get like this?

Before I know of it, the tears falls down my cheeks again, this time quietly.

*~*

When I get out of my room later that day, the others have arrived home as well. I try to ignore the stares from both Jiyong and Seunghyun, and avoid any alone time with you. Seeing you is enough to cause pain, to feel the stinging in my heart, as it reminds me of her.

I really hope you’re happy about this. I am not, but I’ll fight to make this work. Somehow. I hope I’ll manage. Somehow.

At the dinner the same evening, I choose a place in the corner, farthest from you. Seunghyun stares at me but I turn the attention towards my food, and try to ignore him.

“So, what was the matter today, Youngbae? You ran off in the middle of recording?...” Jiyong starts the conversation and my eating halts for a brief moment as the incident replays in my mind.

So full of hope.

I’m ridiculous.

I look up and lock gazes with you shortly, before I look down again, visibly eating faster. I don’t want to hear about her, about what happened, I don’t even want to hear your voice.

“Yearh… About that… I have someone that I think you should meet…” You flash us a shy smile, and I can’t help but cringe. it. It’s unbearable. I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to hear it! 

“Oh?” Jiyong asks with curiosity, before he picks up a piece of meat from his plate with his chopsticks, seeming to listen carefully.

“I met a girl some time ago.” I almost choke on my food, hearing the only thing that I didn’t want to hear, and I stop for a moment to regain the control.

“Food’s too hot, Dae?” Seunghyun asks me in a sarcastic tone which confuses the others. I nod silently, looking away.

“Her name is Lee Jin Ae.” The same moment as you finish the sentence I stuff the last piece of meat into my mouth and push the chair away as I stand up hurriedly, almost knocking the chair over. I pick up my plate and flash the others around the table a fake smile that I hope they – you - can’t see through.

“I’m done… Dinner was great.” My voice sounds strangled, mirroring the pain that I feel but hopefully, it will lead back to the words that Seunghyun spilled out moments ago, even if they had another meaning between the lines. I place the plate at the kitchen counter and nod towards the others before beginning to take my leave. I can’t stand this, it’s too much.

“Where are you going, hyung?” Seungri asks me, and I try to hold up a smile when I turn around to quickly tell him that I have some stuff that I haven’t done yet, before disappearing into my room.

I just hope that you won’t go in there for a while. I can’t stand the look of you, it hurts so terribly. I can’t do this. Apparently I overestimated myself, because I can’t handle this. Not any longer. I’m exhausted, burned out, lost.

I need to get away from this. It’s over.

I just hope that I won’t hurt the others too much when I tell them that BIGBANG is no longer a group for me to be in. 

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Daesung's quitting?! Noooo! Look forward to the next chapter! :) It will be uploaded faster this time! 
Tell me what you think ~