Hey guys! Sorry for the late update OTL 

Anyways - I hope you enjoy it!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dong Youngbae

It had been going well.

You didn’t know anything about my secret feelings.

One weak moment was all it took. I realize that, the moment I finish the song, and look into your eyes. But what surprises me, is that I am not met by hatred, disgust or anything negative. You look at me with love, or… admiration, I would rather call it.

You had been so full of hope, but what did you have hopes for? Me? No way, that simply can’t be. You don’t love me. How can you, when I don’t even love myself?

Why would you, the smiling angel, do something that is so wrong?

And as I stand in the recording room now, I know I am supposed to go out as I am done, but I can’t bring myself to do just that.

When I finally do so, it’s with a lot of hesitation. The four pair of eyes that meets me on the other side of the door all have mixed expression. Confusion, shock most apparent.

I am a monster. An alien. This love that I just showed to you, the love that was visible for all the others… It is wrong.

Jiyong is just about to say something, but I don’t want to hear it. I am scared to hear his judgment, as I know that I won’t be able to stand rejection. Not from those guys. Not from you.

“I feel sick. I am going home…” I blurt out, rushing out of the door in the next moment. Out of the corner of my eye, I see you raise from your spot in the couch, and it only adds to my fear.

What was I thinking? How could I ruin it like this?

What mustn’t you be thinking...?

“Damn it!” I yell out, once I have placed myself at the driver’s seat in my car, starting the engine in a hurry, before speeding out of the parking place outside the YG building. What do I do now? I’ve ruined it all.

They’ll despise it, they’ll despise me… they’ll throw me out of the group… The fans… This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Damn it!” I yell out again, slamming my clenched fist into the wheel, as the tears starts to appear in the corners of my eyes, makes my view blurry. Soon after, they roll down my cheeks, as I break down in the safety of my car where no one can see me.

It’s over, isn’t it? There is no way I can fix this, how would I explain this away. In pure frustration, I run my hands through my Mohawk. Trying to find a way out.

No solutions come to me at all. Aimlessly driving around in the city of Seoul, I replay the incident in my head. I can’t understand I did it. But I just had this urge to let it out, just once. Let it go.

It’s dangerous to give in, isn’t it?

I finally decide to stop the car by the bridge in Seoul over the Han River, to take a walk, hoping that it will ease my nerves. I park the car, and look around in my car, to find something to hide my appearance a little bit with. The last thing that I want right now, is fans - or even worse, sasaengs – following me around. I am lucky to find a back scarf, and then I put on my sunglasses. This will just have to do for today. I step out of the car and lock it, before I stuff my hands in my pockets and starts walking in a random direction, into the Han River Park.

For a moment, I allow memories to take me back in time, where things weren’t this complicated.

It had been before the debut, not long after we met, that Jiyong had decided that we should spend our day off together, to get to know each other better. I thought it was a good idea and the day turned to be a very nice one.

We couldn’t really decide what we should do, and ended up in the Han River Park, which turned out to be absolutely perfect.

Sun, sun and more sun, and ice cream for Seunghyun hyung. Everyone was happy.

We talked about dreams, we talked about the future. A future that seems very distant to me right in the moment.

Walking around, I end up on a bench, with a wonderful view over the river. And I start crying again. I take off my sunglasses and angrily brush the tears away with my hand.

“Are you okay?” I hear someone say, seconds later. A girl, I decide, from the sound of the voice.

.

If I take my hand away now, she’ll recognize me. But I have to, else she’ll be more worried, and definitely won’t believe me when I tell her that I am fine. So I take my hand away, and look into a pair of blue eyes, worried ones.

“I’m fine… I am just tired.” At that moment, she recognizes me, her eyes going wide for a brief moment, and she looks around, maybe to search for the others.

“Eh… Are you sure? You seem off, Taeyang, distant…” She says afterwards, sitting down beside me.

“Please just call me Youngbae…” I mutter before I think and it makes her smile.

“Is it something you want to talk about?” She asks me, looking at the river for a slight moment, and I see her grab her camera, fingers brushing over it, while she thinks about-

“No.” I say, attempting to raise and walk away, when she puts the camera in the bag. That confuses me.

“Alright… So what brings you here?” She says, and I smirk at the excited tone in her voice that she is eagerly trying to hide.

“I just needed to think…” I mumble, flashing her a smile and I see her blush before she turns her face away. Hmm, cute. A silence occurs between us, but I find it nice. She says nothing, but just sits beside me, and starts giggling when a bunch of girls passes our bench.

I am absolutely thrilled about the fact that they doesn’t even spare us a gaze.

It’s long time since I have been able to avoid being recognized like this. I feel free.

“It’s a nice place to think…” She says with a smile that seems somehow distant – almost sad, actually - for a short amount of time, as she looks out at the river.

“Much to think about too, huh?” I ask her with a small smile. She nods.

“Sort of… It’s not always that easy to be a foreigner…” She mumbles, looking at her hands, probably thinking why the hell she would tell me.

“It’s hard to be different…” I agree with her, almost chuckling as I sense the irony in my own words.

“How would you know that? You’re not different than anyone else here…?” She wonders, and I can’t help but laugh silently which makes her blush.

“Oh no, what did I think, I’m just like all the others, not one of the biggest idols in South Korea.” She giggles.

“You know what I meant.” She pouts, but before I can answer, I see a figure in the corner of my eye. A figure that I know all too well.

The last person on Earth that I want to see right now. You. Kang Daesung. I can’t stand the thought of you rejecting me, not… I’m not prepared for it. You are walking through the park, clearly looking for someone.

Oh my, oh my, I wonder who that would be.

I feel the panic starting to rush through my body. How can I correct it, what do I say to you? How do I explain? Would you actually believe it if I told you that it was all a mistake? What if… No, I don’t think it’s possible that you would believe it, when I left the studio like I did. Shouldn’t I just run and hide, and stay like that forever?

Choose something, Youngbae.

Do something!

“Something wrong?” The girl beside me mentions, making me turn my attention towards her again.

Perfect! What a wonderful plan.  

“No, no, I was just thinking… What if we became friends? Got to know each other? We could help each other out!” I blurt out, trying to hold up an expression that I hope to be excited, not showing any of the panic that I feel is building up in my chest.

“Eeh… What?” She looks confused, not completely sure if I am pulling some kind of bad joke on her, or I am being serious. I would have found the expression of hers quite funny, if you weren’t coming closer and closer, with the chance of discovering me at any time.

“Be my friend? I need someone else than the boys.” I say, desperately trying to keep myself calm, while still keeping an eye on you.

“… Sure, why not…” She smiles insecurely as if she can’t understand why I – of all people – would want this. And just then, I notice that you have discovered me, coming towards me with something that looks like a smile, your ordinary eye smile, but how can you possibly be smiling about something like this? Are you mocking me? You must despise me, you must be mad at me- I have to insure you that everything is fine, that everything was a mistake. The solution would clearly be seeing me be with a girl.

A girl that is new to you, so you wouldn’t think that she was just my friend.

Grabbing her by the wrist, I pull her into a tight hug, and I desperately hope that she won’t pull away from me, getting scared by sudden act. Then it would be ruined, and I don’t want that because then nothing having been cleared out or explained. But she doesn’t. For a slight moment she freezes completely on the spot, her body tensing in surprise, but then she relaxes or least try to.

“Thanks…” I whisper softly in her ear. And then I turn towards Daesung, just in time to see his reaction which is not at all what I expected it to be.

While I imagined him to be somewhat happy, he looks shocked, and he looks disappointed, but beyond all he looks devastatingly hurt. And when he hides his mouth behind his one hand, he looks like a dying man. It stings in my heart to see him like that, and I don’t understand it at all. Shouldn’t he be happy?

No matter what, it’s…. It’s better like this, right? No matter what reason that makes him look like this, it’s better like this, that he doesn’t know anything. That he doesn’t know anything about my… feelings for him.

I want to run after him when I see him turn around and walk away, but I can’t just leave this girl like that, and wouldn’t it be weird to run after Daesung like that? What should I even tell him? I let go of her in the next moment, feeling a bit strange and uneasy, trying to keep up my smile. It seems to work its magic.

“So, what’s your name?” I ask her, trying to distract myself from Daesung. He looked so hurt, and it worries me sick, stings in my heart.

“Lee Jin Ae…” Her voice has decreased to a whisper, and smiles softly, before continuing her speaking.

“I’m from Denmark, so I am a bit away from home…” She mumbles with a small smile. She can say that again! All the way from Europe… Besides England, is it?

“All the way from Europe… Wow. So, why did you choose South Korea?” I ask her and she blushes almost instantly at my question. She talks about how she started listening to the music together with her friends, and afterwards became interested in the culture. How she didn’t feel at home in her own country, and how she felt that her adventure spirit challenged her to try something new, and experience the world. Experience Korea, and that’s how she ended up in Seoul. Her family didn’t quite accept that she moved all the way in Korea, they couldn’t understand it, and for a brief moment, I think about you, Daesung.

Just like you, she did what she wanted, no matter the consequences.

I, however, do not do what I want – I shouldn’t even wish for it.

---------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Omo, Youngbae, are you stupid or what? Wonder how this ends...