Hello again! Guess what? New chapter :D! I just came home from a small study trip in London, sorry for making you guys wait! Please enjoy the new chapter, and tell me if you like it! 

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Dong Youngbae

Ever since I met you, it’s been like this. It feels like forever, but it has only been seven years, since I met you. Since you walked into the training room, I’ve been fascinated by you. I didn’t know what it was, I just knew it was something about you.

I remember the day where we moved into the dorm, and we were assigned to live together in a room. I remember feeling this giddy excitement throughout my body, but I brushed it off with the explanation that I was happy to begin this new era, ‘BIGBANG’.

You were very shy in the beginning but when you opened up to me, I had this feeling that you were special. At least to me. And it wasn’t only me who thought that.

You were special to BIGBANG, you kept the mood going, and you never ever failed to give us smiles every day, you never failed to keep us up. And I knew that you were the most fragile, that the winner smile of BIGBANG was more fragile than glass.

So I decided, as your roommate, as your friend, that I wanted to keep you up, keep you strong. The glass would not be thrown to the floor, would not be shattered into pieces. I would not allow that. I made that promise to you, silently in my mind, and I meant to keep it.

You told me about you and your life, you told me about what you liked and disliked. I remember your stern face when you talked about parents. How they didn’t want you to become a singer. How they didn’t want you to pursue the only, the biggest of yours. How you did that anyway, by going to the audition at YG Entertainment, before YG decided to let you become one of the members of BIGBANG. I felt proud of you, respected you.

  As I got to know you, I discovered a man, who I grew very fond of. Proud to be your friend, more than happy to be around you, you were a great companion throughout the problems that we faced in BIGBANG in the early states. As I had thought so many times before, it was my daily goal to see your smile, to make you smile. It was never really hard to do so.

Damn, if I ever will forget the way your smile began to falter, began to disappear.

I didn’t understand why but I felt terrible, too, seeing your worry.

I wanted to help you. I wanted you to share your problems so you wouldn’t ever feel alone. I looked after you, I did everything to see your smile, just once, every day.

It occurred to me that maybe, maybe I was trying too hard, too much. Why did I do it? Why did I worry this much, and only this much about you? I never asked the others about their wellbeing, as often as I asked you. I always kept an eye on you, not the others.

I remember one time when we went ice-skating, the five of us, before our debuting. You told me with a nervous laughter that you had never tried ice-skating before. You were nervous to fall, I thought, and I felt myself get nervous. What if you fell? What if you hurt yourself on the hard icy ground? So I stayed close to you, grabbed you whenever your balance was threatening to betray you, held you so you wouldn’t fall.

“Geez! You look like a couple like that!” Seungri laughed at us, passing by in a nerve-wrecking speed, Jiyong close by.

“I am going to get you, maknae! Come back, you lil’ !” He yelled and you laughed so hard that you were threatening to fall over, and I steadied you once more. Once you stopped laughing at the show, that Seungri and Jiyong made by chasing each other across the ice-skating field, you smiled at me. But the thought wouldn’t leave me.

A couple, you and I? The thought was new, different to me, and scary. I didn’t quite understand why it was.

Maybe it was the fact, that the thought of being together with you thrilled me, made me happy. I felt a longing for it. The next moment I freaked out.

“Wow, I just forgot that I have something to do!” I smile to you, beginning to pull away from you which makes you pout. And seconds later, I have to prevent you from falling again, and I smirk at your panicky expression once you lose balance again.

From that day on, I tried to distance myself from you, to prevent myself from falling further. This was plain wrong. A man was not supposed to be with a man, but a woman, and create a family and what not. This was the normal way of thinking, so wouldn’t you feel the same way? Heck, I am sure you wouldn’t even have returned the feelings. This was how it worked and how it was going to be. I couldn’t do this to you, I couldn’t do this to myself.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Or maybe just having an identity crisis? I comforted myself with that thought, as I wouldn’t accept the fact that I wanted you, craved you. I could never tell you anyway, so why even…

I tried to avoid, I tried to stop thinking about you, but no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t matter. I still worried about you, still wanted to make you smile. Still wanted you to be mine, no matter how much I hated myself for it.

It could ruin everything that you worked so hard for, it could ruin our friendship, and it could ruin BIGBANG.

How could I even have the thought that I could make you happy if you stayed with me?

How would any sane person want this? How would you want this? I couldn’t be anything else than a friend, a brother, to you. That’s an impossible thought, a unrealistic thought. A wrong one.

So I distanced myself, and that by spending my time together with everyone else than you, and if I spend time with you, it wasn’t alone. The only times that I was alone with you, was when we was going to get ready to sleep. I would always try to come home late, so that there would be a higher probability that you would be asleep when I finally got home.

You didn’t like this distance, I found out about that one evening where you hadn’t been asleep like you used to be. I came into the room, placing my bag silently on the floor, walking silently to my bed, before I discovered that you weren’t even asleep yet. I relaxed a bit, as I didn’t have to worry about waking you up. You seemed distant, you seemed sad, I realized as I looked at you more closely.

“Something wrong? You seem so distant these days?” I asked while I tried to sound casual, even if I was worried for you. I don’t think that you didn’t hear me as you jolted at my words and looked up to find me standing by the end of the bed. The moment after he looked distant again, I was sure that he was worrying about something. You hesitated before you answered.

“Eh… Nothing of importance, hyung.” He told me with something that looked like a smile but I could tell that you just tried to soothe me and stop me from worrying. It shined right through you, the insecurity of yours. So I spoke up again, trying to sound calm, and months of acting finally helped to achieve that small goal of mine at that moment.

“If you want to lie, at least be good at lying, dongsaeng… I see right through that so-called ‘pokerface’ of yours, you know? Now spit it out! Hyung will listen!” I smiled convincing and tried to encourage you to talk. You still didn’t feel like telling me, I could tell that much.

 “It’s silly, it doesn’t matter…” You said a moment after and looked down on your feet, almost seeming embarrassed which caused me to feel slightly curious, and more worried. Didn’t you know that you could tell me anything? Didn’t you trust me? I watched as your fingers fumbled with one of your buttons in the shirt you were wearing and once you opened it, I could suddenly see your collarbone, your skin that I had imagined to be soft and smooth, and my thoughts began to wander without allowance. I took a deep breath, trying to get the thoughts on distance, so I could concentrate about the conversation. You really didn’t trust me?

“It’s not silly, if it bothers you which it seems to do – You can tell me everything, you know? I promise I won’t laugh!” I said, flashing my eye smile to him, to show him that I was being sincere. You responded with a soft, small smile, and for a moment, I thought that I saw a flash of something different in your eyes, as if you were somewhere else for a short moment, but it must have been my imagination.

“It just makes me sad that we doesn’t spend much time together…” You said with a pouting smile. It hit me straight in the heart. You had noticed that I was avoiding you. That I didn’t- That I tried to keep a distance from you, protecting myself, you, and everything. I tried to hold up my smile, but the slight pain in my heart made its mark, and my smile became a grimace. I saw the panic in your eyes. Did I think it was silly, that you were stupid? No, I just felt bad about the whole thing that seemed to hurt not only me, but you too. It made me speechless for a short moment of time.

“What are you talking about? We do spend time together, dongsaeng!” I blurted out with a smile, mentally hitting myself. Perfect, Youngbae! Just make him think that you think that he is being silly!

You looked away in insecurity, biting his lip. Your beautiful, plump lips that I wanted to touch, to kiss them and feel the softness of them, and I tried to keep it cool, despite the situation.

“Just forget it, I told you it was silly…” You mumbled and laid down on your bed, pulling the cover over your head as if you silently wanted to show me that you wouldn’t talk about it anymore. But I did, and two can play this game – I knew exactly what buttons to push.

“We spend time together in the gym, we spend time together on the work, the YG Entertainment Company Building, we spend time together here, and I have trouble seeing the point…” I while I tried to make my voice sound slightly bored, slightly confused as if I hadn’t about what his problem was. I sat down on my bed, and continued.

“And we spend time together with the others, we can’t let them alone, no, they will cause problems as we are the only sane people in this group…“ I chuckled at my own joke, even if it may have been improper at this time, and huffed as he didn’t respond to it. Well, I thought, then I must keep on going…

“… We can’t be together always, we need privacy-“ I started but before I could finish the sentence, you had interrupted me by pulling away the cover.

“We never spend one moment together outside work, or exercising!” You complained, and I smirked as I noticed you irritation, as I didn’t want to let the topic fall, like you wanted. The irritated expression turned in to a pouting and I chuckle. Poor you, being forced to tell me what’s bothering you, huh? I felt a small feeling of victory which made me continue on smiling. Yes, exercising had been the only point where I couldn’t really push you away, as the others didn’t really work out as much as you and I. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks, as the mental picture of your sweaty, working body appeared in my mind, and I hoped that you didn’t notice my red cheeks. Damn, this was so wrong, and I cringed at the thought about it all. Why couldn’t I just… Luckily, you seem to notice, neither did you notice my fight to keep up a smile, as I teased you once more.

“Jealousy is a bad thing, Kang Daesung, didn’t your mother tell you about that?” I said to you and you swatted after me, at the same time yelling at me.

“I hate you!” I laughed out loud at this, again to hide my true feelings, my inner war. You were just trying to tell that you missed me, and truth be told, I missed you too. More than I should.

Maybe we could just be friends? If I succeeded in hiding what I really felt about you?

“Sure thing – you busy tomorrow?” I said the next moment, already feeling nervous. I didn’t want you to say no, but neither did I know if I could trust myself, and if I could handle it. I rose from the bed, and pulled my shirt off, as I wanted to change into some cloth to sleep in.

“I-I…” Surely you hadn’t expected my question, I smirked, my face towards the closet, so you couldn’t see.

“Great, and now you try to avoid me? Daesung, you’re clueless…” I continued on teasing you, as I went back to the bed, as casually as I could, throwing my shirt in the basket in the corner. You grabbed a book, I saw in the corner of the eye. I briefly considered it to pretty late for reading, as we had to be early up in the morning, but I guess that was your problem. I laid down in bed, and pulled the cover over myself, turning the back towards you, and turned off the lights over my bed.

“I’d like to – I mean it could nice!” He said once I had closed my eyes, and I hoped he didn’t my breath hitch as a cause of nervousness and anticipation.

“It’s a deal then.” I would try to be your friend again, try to hide my emotions.

God, what have I put myself into?

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So, end of chapter three! I hope you liked it! New chapter will be here soon! Please feel free to leave a comment or subscribe to my story if you want to read more, and get to know what happens!