So this is the first chapter! Enjoy~ Tell me what you think about it!

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Kang Daesung - Prologue

I remember it clearly, the day that I met you. It was in the middle of the summer, sunny and hot, as I stepped into the training room where I was told to meet the others from BIGBANG; Choi Seunghyun, Kwon Jiyong, Jang Hyun Seung, Lee Seunghyun… and finally you, Dong Youngbae. I took the sight of you in, and in the midst of it all, I felt my heart beat faster, and I couldn’t really make out what it was exactly.

I told myself that the reason for the increasing heart beating was due to the excitement, the stress when experiencing all those new things, the nervousness to meet new people, to begin a new era in my life, as the singer I wanted to become so badly. I didn’t put anything into it.

I remember the day that we told to move into the dorm, and I got to share a room with you. As my hyung, you took good care of me from the start. I felt comfortable around you, and it didn’t take long for me to come out of my shield. We could talk about anything, and you were always there for me.

I became friends with the others as well but it was different with you, even though I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was about it that made it different.

You became my best friend, but I felt that it wasn’t the same the other way around. You spend a lot of time with Jiyong-hyung, and I could see why you would, since he was your childhood friend that you had trained in YG Entertainment with. The two of you had supported each other through the time as trainees. Why wouldn’t you be close friends? I still felt uneasy about it which made me slightly confused. It seemed stupid to tell you about it, but in all secrecy, I wanted it to be me, instead of Jiyong-hyung. I felt like a child, but I couldn’t help it.

Jealousy has never been a good thing.

“Something wrong? You seem so distant these days?” you asked me one evening, as we made ourselves ready to go to sleep. It took me off guard and I looked at him in surprise. Even if I tried to hide it the moment after, you caught it. I knew you had, by the way you looked at me. I just didn’t feel like telling you about this. It seemed ridiculous, and a thing that I just had to get over. Yet I did care about this, as I wanted it to be different.

“Eh… Nothing of importance, hyung.” I had told you, but it wasn’t enough to soothe your worry. You snorted and sat down on your bed, watching me from a distance.

“If you want to lie, at least be good at lying, dongsaeng… I see right through that so-called ‘pokerface’ of yours, you know? Now spit it out! Hyung will listen!” I was surprised at your words, yet not. You were my roomie after all, right? You knew more than the others ever did. I looked into the ground. Even if you were good at reading people, or just reading me, I didn’t want you to know about this specific thing.

“It’s silly, it doesn’t matter…” I said, never looking away from my feet, while I let my fingers fumble with one of the buttons in my shirt. I heard you chuckle, before you let out a sigh.

“It’s not silly, if it bothers you which it seems to do – You can tell me everything, you know? I promise I won’t laugh!” You said with a sincere smile, one I had grown fond of, as it never failed to make me smile, even on a bad day. In this case, it made me feel secure to finally tell you. To me, your smile could work out miracles.

“It just makes me sad that we doesn’t spend much time together…” I told you with a small pout on my face. You gave me a confused smile at this, and in an instant I regretted that I had even told you. Of course you wouldn’t understand, of course you found it silly-

“What are you talking about? We do spend time together, dongsaeng!” You had pointed out, but at that moment, I just really wanted to get it over with, make you forget. I found the whole thing embarrassing.

“Just forget it, I told you it was silly…” I laid down in my bed with those words, pulling the cover over myself, as if I tried to hide which I sort of did. But you wouldn’t let the topic fall, and went on with the talking, even if you seemed to be talking to a door – me who wouldn’t answer because of mere stubbornness.

“We spend time together in the gym, we spend time together on the work, the YG Entertainment Company Building, we spend time together here, and I have trouble seeing the point…” You started, and I just hugged my cover and pulled it closer, not saying a word. I found your talking provoking, as you didn’t seem like you would let it go, just like that, as I wanted you to.

“And we spend time together with the others, we can’t let them alone, no, they will cause problems as we are the only sane people in this group…“ you said while chuckling and I would have laughed if I wasn’t embarrassed – I always found your jokes funny, even if the others didn’t.

 “… We can’t be together always, we need privacy-“ you continued but then I interrupted you, wanting you to shut up already.

“We never spend one moment together outside work, or exercising!” I complained, throwing my cover off, as I turned towards you with a glare. As I did so, I received a smirk, as you sat on your bed, leaning against the wall. You chuckled once you saw my pout.

You have always been a deep and smart person – you figure out stuff pretty fast, and you didn’t fail at solving this problem either. I don’t know how you do it.

“Jealousy is a bad thing, Kang Daesung, didn’t your mother tell you about that?” You teased me and I swatted after you.

“I hate you!” I said and threw a pillow at you. It made you laugh out loud.

“Sure thing – you busy tomorrow? We could hang out or something, after gym?” You asked, raising from the bed, going to your closet while pulling your shirt off, revealing your torso. I felt unable to speak, and I didn’t know why. I swallowed slowly, trying to take my eyes of you, but seemed to be unable to.

“I-“ I tried, but words failed me, as my eyes followed you on your way to the closet, taking in your features, the way your toned muscles worked under the skin- Why was I being like this, how could you have this effect on me? I told myself that it had been caused by the changes that I could spot, as you had been working out more, at that time, before debuting.

“Great, and now you try to avoid me? Daesung, you’re clueless…” you laughed, and I barely managed to look away as you grabbed one of your night shirts and put it on, turning around after trashing the other shirt in the basket with dirty clothes. I quickly grabbed a book, turning on my night lamp, and you pulled your cover over yourself, lying down in bed, before turning off the lights.

“I’d like to – I mean it could nice!” I then said, and I heard you chuckle again.

“It’s a deal then.”

I felt happy, as I went to sleep that evening. And you did pay more attention to me after that – we would eventually hang out a couple of times in a month, just the two of us. It was nice, and we got to know each other even better.

I remember when my voice was impaired, due to voice chord nodules that had formed on my voice chord.  I had had troubles breathing, and my voice was hoarse which caused YG to delay my schedules for a while, as I really couldn’t sing. It was absolute terrible, being diagnosed with the disease as I thought I would never be able to become the singer that I wanted to be. I thought my career was over, before it had begun. Throughout the healing process that I had to go through, you and the rest of our team was there to support me and I really appreciated. Nevertheless, it was hard to remain positive the whole time, and I had a few breakdowns. I tried to keep them to myself, hold up a façade towards you and the others.

You saw right through me, and deep down, I knew it. Still, I fought to keep up a happy attitude towards you. You and the others shouldn’t be burdened by me, I thought.

I kept it cool, until you made me face it all, forced me to break down. Slowly. It didn’t happen at one time, but piece by piece.

There had been no others than the two of us at the dorm that day. I had been sitting on my bed when you came into the room, and something about my way of greeting – or no, I actually don’t know what made you mad – had you slam the door behind you and throw your bag onto your bed, before you turned towards me with a skeptical, mad expression written in your face.

“I can’t take this anymore, Daesung! You’re trying to fool us with your happy attitude, but my heart is breaking, seeing you like this! You can’t keep pushing people away from you, especially not us! I am your friend, am I not? The others and me, aren’t we your friends? I know that you don’t want to burden us with your problems, but please do, as it ing burdens us even more to see you like this, when you don’t talk to us about it, but try to hide it instead… Aren’t we your ing friends or is that a façade too?” I stared surprised at you, as you stood in front of me. I had never experienced you like this before. You have never been one to yell at people. But seeing me in this situation seemed to do the trick. Apparently it had become too much. You wanted me to see what I was doing to you, to the rest of BIGBANG.

I felt terrible, and shocked. But I didn’t say anything. Instead, I looked down at the ground.

But just as quick as your temper had risen, you felt sorry for your behavior. You apologized again and again, only making me feel worse, as I tried to assure you that it was okay.

“I want to help you, Daesung, but you’re making it difficult. You’re like a little brother to me, I don’t want you to be sad. I need your smile, Daesung. We need your smile.” you said, and I felt my heart waver at the words, and then you left without saying anymore, looking like you were going to burst out into tears. It was heartbreaking to watch.

You didn’t even mention it afterwards but there was an awkward tension between us, one that even the others could feel.

My voice slowly got better, but our current relationship didn’t. You wouldn’t even speak to me, but I knew you felt disappointed. Disappointed and let down, when I wouldn’t share my problems, not even with you, my best friend and roommate. It hurt me.

It was devastating. I wanted you back. I missed talking to you, I missed your jokes, I missed everything about you – and it was all my fault that I was missing it.

“Fix it, whatever it is. He’s a pain in the , I can’t take it, I don’t understand what his problem is…” Jiyong told me one afternoon, and I said that I would. If it had been every other situation, his pouting would have been endearing to watch, even funny. But not in this case, when I was the cause of the problem. And everyone in BIGBANG knew that.

But how on Earth was I going to do that? I tried to talk to you, but it didn’t work out at all. It got better eventually, but not as before. We were awkward around each other.

But you still helped me.

Like the time where we started doing the live shows, and I realized that I was afraid, as the dates for the live shows got closer. I was afraid that I wouldn’t sing good enough, that I would be a disappointment. A disappointment to all that I cared for, a disappointment to all our fans, a disappointment to the company. What if people wouldn’t like my singing? And if they disliked me, wouldn’t they dislike the rest of BIGBANG, because I was a part of that?

I freaked out.

We recorded in the studio for hours, I practiced alone for hours. I took extra classes in singing, and in the end of it all, I didn’t get much sleep which didn’t help at all either. 

“Not anymore of this, Daesung – you’re going home with me now.” You told me one late evening, but I refused to listen.

Good thing that you were stronger than me. You grabbed me by the wrist, and pulled me out of the recording room – I barely managed to get my stuff, as we went out – and then we drove home to the dorm.

Damn, was I mad at you at that time?

And in the midst of it all, in the midst of yelling at you, trying to get to the studio again, I started crying. Right in front of you, of all people, I cried. I told you how I feared that everyone would hate me that I wouldn’t do well enough on stage. How I feared that I would be a disappointment to all I knew, and all the fans.

You smiled at me, and I knew why. I finally shared my problems, instead of closing everyone out of my life, trying to solve it on my own. It helped my stress, as I felt as if a huge burden was partly taken off my shoulders. You promised me that it would be fine, we would do fine, and I would do fine. No matter what, I wouldn’t be a disappointment to him.

I had gotten him back, and I really appreciated it, as had come to realize how dependent I was on the others from BIGBANG, how dependent I was on you. I wouldn’t be able to do it without you.

When we finally got to the live shows, and I became really afraid, you told me to put my focus on another point than the audience. You told me to focus on BIGBANG, on my singing. To look at you, if that gave me any relief, any insurance or if it calmed me even a little bit. I followed your advice, and then I found myself only focusing at you. Hearing your voice made me forget about my problems, and put my focus elsewhere than the nervousness I felt when I was on stage. Little by little, by the help of you, I learned to push away my fear.

Along with that, other feelings started to show, and in the start, I didn’t understand them at all, and brushed it off with the explanations that ‘I was just grateful for your support’, and that ‘you were my best friend’. As time went by, I learned that, to me, you weren’t anybody. To me, you were more than a friend. Every time you smiled, every move you made. I treasured it all. I felt alive around you. My heart beat faster, I would do everything just to see your smile.

It absolutely terrified me. I hadn’t seen it coming.

I didn’t want to feel like I did, as I felt it was wrong. What wouldn’t people think, what wouldn’t people do? What wouldn’t you think, as you believed in God and all? It couldn’t be like that, it mustn’t be like that, I thought to myself, and I tried to convince myself that I was having something like an identity crisis, having become famous singer in BIGBANG, and an idol in South Korea. As an idol for other people, I simply couldn’t be…

I hated myself, as I couldn’t accept the truth. The very truth that I was in love with you. 

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End of first chapter! So sweet, Daesung is in love ~

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