Here I am, lying on my bed, crying my heart out. So the rumours were true. He’s dating Krystal. I knew it. They do look perfect together, but… It really hurts. How did I even come to expect that Kai would like a girl like me? I’m so stupid!

“[INFO]

EXO will return to Korea within this week. The details of their departure will not be announced to prevent stampedes and delays.”

Is that it? Am I really not going to see him again after that night? Was that really the ending to my nearly perfect fantasy? Even though I wasn’t ready to meet him again, I still felt the urge to see him one last time. I want to tell him how I feel.

After contemplating and debating with myself on whether or not I should try seeing him, I decided that I must go to Mariott hotel and hope to run into him before they leave. If I’m lucky, and if I beg hard enough, the receptionist might give me their room number.

I stood up from my bed, dressed comfortably, grabbed my bag, and hurriedly went out.

I arrived at the reception area at half past 3 in the afternoon and I was surprised that there weren’t many people around. I went towards the receptionist and asked if EXO was still checked in.

Receptionist: Yes, ma’am, they’re still here. :)

Me: Whew. That’s great! Umm… Is it possible to… umm… maybe… could I…

Receptionist: I’m sorry ma’am, but I couldn’t give out their room number. That’s their order.

Me: How about the floor they’re in? Could you tell me? Please?

Receptionist: I’m so sorry ma’am, but I really couldn’t.

Me: Could you give me just a range of room numbers? Or floor numbers? Please, I’m begging you! I’m so desperate! Please!

Receptionist: Well, if it helps ma’am, their room is in between floor 2- floor 20. :)

Me: But… there are 20 floors here. You left out only the first floor. :(

Receptionist: I’m really sorry ma’am, but I just couldn’t help you.

Me: O-okay. Well, thanks anyway.

Receptionist: You’re welcome ma’am! Again, I’m sorry.

Ugh. Now how am I going to see him if I don’t have a clue where I should look first? This hotel is super huge, being a five-star hotel and all… But at least I know they’re not on the first floor. I guess I’ll just start looking around and maybe I’ll bump into him… Or he’ll bump into me, just like last time.

I looked floor to floor and even rang a few doorbells – yes, it was really embarrassing, but hey, I was desperate – but I still couldn’t find their room. It’s getting dark outside too. Huhu. What am I supposed to do?

I’m almost in the midst of giving up when I reached the 18^th floor. I noticed that the fire exit door leading towards the rooftop was open. I climbed up the stairs and I saw the most beautiful garden I ever laid my eyes on. It’s such a romantic spot for couples who’d want some private time. Such beautiful flowers and orchids were everywhere, complete with a fountain and Christmas lights too, though it’s only July.

I could just literally stay in this place forever. I’m surprised no one else is around! They’re missing half of their lives, not seeing this beautiful and magical place. I actually forgot why I was here in the first place. Stars start to show up in the evening sky, and I got a little startled when soft music began playing through the camouflaged speakers placed in every corner of the secret garden.

While walking around accompanied by the sentimental background music playing, Kai’s words echoed in my mind all of a sudden. “I like Bambi as a fan… Krystal? I love her… Bambi… fan… Krystal… love…”

I didn’t realize I was already crying. Ugh. My tears won’t stop falling… Why must the world be so unfair? Why are there people inlove with people who can’t love them back? Is the world really this cruel? Why can’t everyone just be happy? Why can’t they just love everyone around them? It really hurts. My heart is so broken right now. The music doesn’t really help either.

Since no one else is around, I thought of screaming my feelings out loud. I think it’s the only way I could get over this.

Me: Kai!!! I love you! You don’t know how serious my feelings for you are! I think I’m going crazy!! *sob* You love her, but what about me?! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE! *sob* Can’t you just love me back?! Huhu. JONGIN-AH!!

The lights flickered then it went dark. This is what you call a literal blackout. I couldn’t see where I was going since all the lights were gone. Even the lights from the hotels nearby were out. What the hell happened?! I am so not in the mood right now! My heart’s shattered, and now, this?!

I walked slowly towards the bench where I was sitting a while ago. The moon and my phone’s brightness were the only sources of light I had and it’s still not enough for me to see clearly. Did I mention I was night-blind?

I reached out my hand and felt my surroundings. It was actually kind of scary, and it’s a miracle that I wasn’t freaking out.

I wasn’t freaking out… until… I tripped and fell onto something.

Something: Ahh!

Turns out that that something was a someone…

Someone: Gwenchana?

Wait…

He sounds exactly like…

The lights suddenly went back on, and because I was too blind, my eyes needed a little time to adjust to the abrupt brightness of the lights. When I opened my eyes, I gasped a big gasp as if all the air around me went straight inside my lungs.

I was right. Kai.

Me: Kai!! O-oppa!!

Kai: Bambi??

When we both realized that we were in an extremely awkward position, we stood up immediately and fixed ourselves.

Me: W-what are you doing here?! Did you… hear everything I said a while ago?

Kai: No… What did you say?

Me: A-ahh. It was nothing. Hehe.

It’s a good thing he didn’t hear all that stuff I said cause it would be utterly embarrassing. My face was ugly too, from all the crying. It was like that face that Suho made when he cried during Wolf’s first win.

Kai: What’re you doing here at this time? You were looking for me, weren’t you? *smirk*

Me: Me? Looking for you? Psssh… No! Of course not…

He stared me down. It seems as if he already knew I was lying and he just waited for me to admit it.

Me: Not really… I mean…

Kai: Hmm?

Me: Alright, you got me!!! Was I too obvious?

Kai: Just a little. Haha.

Me: Hehe. Anyway, what about you, what’re you doing here at this time?

Kai: Me? I just… Needed a place to think.

Me: Ooh.

*Krooong Krooong*

Kai: Be right back. It’ll just take a sec.

Me: Take your time. 

Kai went to the other side of the garden, but since the garden was pretty small, I could hear what he was saying. But not quite clearly.

Kai: Eomma, is noona okay now? Is she taking her medicine?

… What? She should’ve taken it!

… Where is she now?

… At the hospital? How could this happen!?

… Let me talk to her.

… But… Alright… Just tell her to take care… and… I love her…

… Nae… Bye! S-Saranghae!

That phone call took longer than I expected. Though I couldn’t hear clearly because he’s facing away from me, I could feel the heartbreak from his voice. I want to run to him and hug him…

I waited for Kai to turn around and come back, but he was just standing there, not moving, and not saying anything. I felt my heart skip a beat when I heard him sob. I walked towards him and tapped his shoulder.

Me: Oppa… Is… everything okay?

He turned around and I saw the hurt in his eyes. He really was crying. His tears just flowed from his gorgeous eyes to his perfect jaw line. Wait… Why am I admiring him again when I should be comforting him?

Kai: Y-yeah. I’m fine. *forced smile*

He wiped the tears from his eyes, but it was no use. His tears just kept on flowing. He looked at me… and hugged me out of the blue. Good thing I was wearing 3-inch platform sneakers, this way, he wouldn’t have to lean so low.

I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. Slowly, little by little, tears start to build up in my eyes. I just couldn’t bear to see him like this because it hurts me so much to see him hurting.

Me: Oppa… It’s okay. Everything will be fine. Just cry it out. I’m here.

I pat his back gently…

The lyrics of Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne started ringing in my mind… So despite my horrible voice, I sang to him…

You're not alone, together we stand
I'll be by your side you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold, and it feels like the end
There's no place to go you know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you

He hugged me tighter and tighter…

There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth so

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

I felt his tears wetting my shirt, and because he was hugging me so tight, I could clearly hear him cry. Every sob and every crying sound he makes just made me cry even more.

Me: Oppa, you know, when we go our separate ways, you should always remember that I’m here for you. Not just as a fan, but as a friend who’s ready to lend an ear to your problems. You may forget me as time passes, but I will never ever forget you. I’ll always be the one called Bambi, rooting for you, cheering for you, supporting you on every step of your career. You may not know how special you are to me, but I just want you to know that you always inspire me to do better things in my life… That no matter how far you are, I’ll always love you. I may not be there for you physically when times get rough, but I’m here.

This time, I was the one who hugged him tighter. And I was the one crying my heart out. I figured I may never have the chance to say what I feel, so I might as well take this opportunity to pour it all out.

Me: Oppa, whatever you do, whoever you date, it’s all fine by me. Just as long as I’m seeing you smile and be happy. You’ll be leaving soon, but…

I felt him pat my head as I sobbed, trying to fight the tears that kept on flowing.

Me: But… You’ll never leave my heart. I love you.

Kai: No… I won’t forget you. I swear to myself that I’ll remember that I always have a friend in you. I know how you feel. Believe me, I do. And I feel your love for me… I feel all your love for me and for the rest of the members. That’s why whenever I’m down, I always have the strength to get back up… It’s because of you. I’m thankful that I inspired you, but you also inspired me, more than you could even imagine.

He released me from his embrace and looked at my ugly face that’s still crying.

Kai: Stop crying. You’re getting wrinkles on your face. Haha.

Me: Oppa, when are you leaving?

Kai: We’re leaving tomorrow night. Don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret.

Me: Tomorrow already? But… You haven’t even gone to Baguio yet. Didn’t Baekhyun oppa say that you guys wanted to go?

Kai: I know, but we have schedules back in Korea. Maybe we’ll go next time we visit here. J

Me: O-Okay. Just promise me that you’ll always take care of yourself! And I hope your Noona gets better.

Kai: I promise! Now let me walk you out. Your parents are probably worried about you.

Me: You’re probably right. I guess I’ll see you next time?

Kai: Yes…

Me: I’ll miss you, oppa!

Kai: Y-yeah. Me too.

I waved back at him and stepped out of the hotel. A part of me wanted to stay there until they leave, but it will just hurt me more the longer I stay with him.

I’ll really miss him.