21 October 2011

 

I woke up, feeling all refreshed. Feelings from last night came flowing into me slowly. Like what that wise old man had said, I should have no regrets about my choice.

And when I chose to turn back time, I should have had embraced myself for all those things.

I shook my head and patted my face lightly to keep my tears from flowing down. *You've got to be happy. Jinki is living on safely. And at least you met a friend in school who is nice.*

I quickly washed up and it was time for me to change. I opened up my closet and just tossed two piece of clothing out. I didn't understand why girls wanted to wear revealing clothes to school to be honest.

I went out and sighed, to see a note from my mother, stating that she had already went to work. Probably two months ago, she got retrenched by her company. And she landed in another company which could only give her 50% of what her previous company gave.

To our beautiful daughter,

Fighting for the day! Being a freshman in college is tough, especially when you entered during the second semester. Umma is also fighting outside! Lets work hard after eating a wonderful breakfast! Umma loves you ♡

*My mum is such a wonderful woman,* I smiled as I felt warmth growing in my heart while reading my mother's note.

I grabbed the sandwich and the bento that my mother did for me. And I left for school to get a good spot in the lecture hall.

I plugged in my earphones and started to listen to SHINee's songs. They sounded so wonderful and so awesome. But Jinki's voice was one that I loved the most. His voice was unique, special, healing and perfect.

I walked to my college as it was pretty much near my house.

My phone vibrated a little and I took it out to see Jihye's message. It read, 'Yah! Why did you run off all of a sudden yesterday?'

I quickly typed in an excuse of having to go off because I wasn't feeling well and a senior from school sent me home. The senior part was true, though.

Out of a sudden, I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder and I turned around to see Siwan smiling, while waving at me. I plucked out my earphones and smiled sheepishly, "Sorry, oppa. Was listening to songs."

He raised an eyebrow, "SHINee again?"

I nodded as I laughed softly in an embarassed manner. "Yeah."

We continued walking to school together as we talked about many things. Including the upcoming project that our school's editorial club would be taking.

"What's the project about anyway?" I asked curiously. "Please don't tell me they're about new generation idols."

He laughed, "What if it is? And what if the interview would be about the only band that you know?"

My expression darkened as he said that. "Are you serious?"

He nodded, "We'll be doing an interview with SHINee. They'll be telling us about their personal ups and downs that other news sites doesn't know of. It'd be an interesting interview. Especially when you're a fan of them."

"Can I not take the project?" I asked almost immediately, "Can I not?"

"I don't know," He replied, "You're of the better writers in the club. So I don't know if the teacher in charge allows you to. And this time if the article manages to get more positive remarks, our editorial club would get to work with SHINee more and more times."

He then probed further, "But why not? Don't you like SHINee? You know them right?"

"I ... its not that," I shook my head and forged a smile, "I just don't know how I'd react. I guess I would be too excited then."

"I see," He laughed as he ruffled my hair, "You'll be more than stunned when you see them. You won't be overly excited."

...

After school, I went to the editorial club and sat right next to Siwan, which gained glares from many girls. The teacher, Mrs Jang, soon started to explain about the next project that we were going to handle.

"And so," She explained, while staring sternly at everyone, "I believe that all of us now had attained a certain level of writing, especially after writing many articles about our school event. So, our school has made the first move to collaborate with the biggest entertainment company in Korea, SM Entertainment."

All the girls in the room started to whisper and squeal as they were excited. Some girls wanted Super Junior, some girls wanted TVXQ, and the rest wanted SHINee.  

Of course, some of the guys were excited due to Boa, f(x) and also Girls' Generation.

"Okay, now shush everyone." She raised her voice and the room became silent again.

She continued, "The group that we have had chosen for our editorial club would be the idols SHINee, that had released their new album not too long ago. We would be interviewing them and recording their daily lives for a period of 4 months and it would be about things that nobody knew. If this goes on successfully, our club would be given more chances to work with SHINee."

"However," She completed, "I have chosen the team that I want for this project. Because I definitely do not want some fanatic girls to go crazy over the boys and forget their main purpose."

She flashed on the screen the names of the people that she had chosen for the team. And sadly, my name was on it, along with Siwan's and another 2 students.

"I would not be considering to remove anyone from the group. And even if anyone wants to leave the group, I would not be considering to add anymore people into the group," She explained her rationale as she saw many girls who were frustrated. "The first meeting to discuss about the recording of their daily lives would be next week."

After the meeting, I ran outside to chase after Mrs Jang. I called, as I panted, "Mrs Jang..."

She turned around and flashed me a pleasant smile, which was more than rare to see. "Yes?"

"Can I..." I stammered a little as I didn't know how to get the message across, "Can I not do the project? I have personal reasons not to do the project..."

"Why not?" She asked with a shocked tone, "Its a good experience for you. What's the reason? I need a valid reason before I can take you down, dear."

"I... its a very personal matter," I explained myself, "Its a private reason..."

"Then I seriously can't take you down from the group. I already sent the group list to SM Entertainment, and that was what I meant by I wouldn't be taking anyone out." She stated as she turned around and walked away.

"Mrs Jang," I whispered, "I...  I can't." *Because I can't let our lives get tied together and because if Jinki were to get himself involved with me, he would die another round.*

...

I walked around the area near our school and my house. It was 9PM but I didn't really care. I just needed to clear my mind. And this time, I needed to prepare myself to meet Jinki again.

The area near my house was popular for gangster activites, and drunkards. But I could care less about that.

As I was about to reach my street and while waiting for the traffic light, a group of three drunk young men came crowding around me. My eyes widened as I shouted at them, "What do you people want to do?"

"And what do you think we want to do?" The taller guy smirked. They then dragged me away to a dark alley and one pushed me onto the ground. "Well. I wanna do this."

Before he could even touch me with his disgusting lips, I kicked his stomach out of my insticts. I panted as he walked over and grabbed my hair. He glared at me as he gave me a tight slap, ". You don't kick me like that."

He and his crew then threw me down to the floor again. This time, I knocked onto the wall and felt a piercing pain radiating through my body.

That guy, who confronted me first, smirked as he continued, "Don't think just because you're a girl, I wouldn't dare to beat you up."

"What are you guys you're doing?!" A voice shouted out. That voice resembled Jinki so much, but I guess I was hallucinating due to that blow earlier.

The three guys then ran away and that guy who helped me came running over. I stared and realized that it was Jinki that I was seeing. "Jinki? Am I hallucinating? Why am I seeing you again?" Before I could hear his answer, my eyes closed slowly as the pain was overwhelming me.

...

The next morning, when I opened my eyes, I saw myself in the hospital. The ward that I was living in was a personal ward. *Isn't this ward expensive?!*

The door opened and it revealed Siwan, coming in with a plate of fruits. He smiled when he saw that I had woke up. "Hi, Juyeon. You've woke up."

"H-hi," I tried to greet him happily but was taken aback by the pain from my head. About Jinki, then I guess it was me who was hallucinating back then.

Siwan sighed, "I thought I told you its dangerous outside especially when you're a girl. And I told your mum about your whereabouts and asked her not to worry."

I laughed sheepishly, "Sorry. I just wanted to clear my mind. Things are too complicated for me recently."

"Its okay," He smiled, "I'm not angry. Everyone has times whereby they're confused in life. But I just hope you take care of yourselves. Do you understand me?"

I nodded and smiled at him. Other than Jinki, he would be the second guy in my life that made me feel at ease when I was with him.

He then looked like he thought of something and stated, "Oh yes! I forgot to tell you that you can leave the hospital already."

"Okay, after I finish this plate of fruits, we're good to go." I informed and smiled at him. It had been a while since I smiled genuinely, frankly speaking.

When we were out of the hospital, Siwan stopped me from walking and took out his phone to call somebody. He said, "We're out already. You can drive over."

A car soon drifted over, and stopped in front of the both of us. I gaped at the black Porsche that was stopped in front of us. Siwan walked over to the driver's side and smiled as he paid the driver some cash, "Thank you for taking care of the car."

He walked over to the other side and opened the car door. "Hop in, Juyeon."

I walked over warily and blinked, "Is this your car?"

He smiled and nodded, "Yeah! Its my car."

I hopped on the car and observed the insides of the nice looking Porsche. It looked simple and it looked absolutely gorgeous. I knew Siwan was rich but I didn't know he was so rich until that extent of getting a luxury car of his own.

He got onto the car and laughed when I was exploring the car. "Are you that amazed by the car?"

I nodded and giggled softly. "Yeah. I'm shocked. Rather than amazed."

"You're rich," I continued.

He muttered something later on, which I couldn’t pretty much comprehend. I stared at him with my big curious eyes and asked, “What did you say?”

He shook his head afterwards and flashed a big grin, saying, “Nothing.”

We then left the hospital shortly afterwards. On the car, I passed by one of the spots near the Han River, where Jinki and I often frequented to meet up for dates. I called, “Siwan oppa. Can we go there for a while?”

…

“Why did you want to come here?” Siwan asked as he stared at the dark night sky filled with stars. I stared at the picturesque view of the Seoul City, and whispered coherently, “I came here with my boyfriend, or rather, now my ex-boyfriend. We hung out here most of the time because he had to be mysterious. And here, we did a lot of things together. It’s a place filled with memories which wouldn’t come back anymore.”

“How long have you broken with him?” He listened and continued asking. I laughed dryly, “Its been 3 years. I didn’t want to break up with him. I didn’t want to. He is the only guy that I have such strong feelings for. We were supposed to be engaged.”

He nodded, “What happened then?”

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, and explained, “He died on my birthday. And also the day that he proposed to me. The third year mark was 2 days ago.”

I completed the sentence in my mind, *And I saw him with another woman that day, acting all lovey dovey with each other.*

Tears brimmed in my eyes as the images of him hugging Yerin, and Yerin feeding him came playing in my mind. “I miss him so much,” I whispered as my heart started to feel that stinging pain once again.

Siwan pulled me in for a small hug, and consoled me, “Don’t cry. I know I can’t do anything to help you, but if you need a shoulder to cry on, you can come look for me. I’ll lend you my listening ear, and my crying shoulder. I’ll help you walk out of this pain, trust me.”