Luhan

I groaned as I pushed off the kitchen’s floor and sat up. My back hurt so badly I had to lean against the cupboard for a moment before pushing away completely until I was able to stand on just my two feet without the support of solid objects. My left leg was on fire. I reached for it to assess the damage—and there seemed to be a lot of damage. Every other inch of my body throbbed with pain as well, but I didn’t think I had broken any bones—at least not this time—but that didn’t mean that I was okay.

Bruises that covered my body throbbed painfully and I knew it would take them some days to heal. It was a good thing I was suspended. I couldn’t really imagine myself walking into the hell that was school with a body like a dalmation’s and make it out there alive. This would be just the absolute impossible. I’d be the perfect punching bag for everyone on set; anyone who wanted to blow a steam would certainly come over to me.

This certainly wasn’t the first time someone had beat the crap out of me, and I doubt it would be the last, but somehow I felt so hurt and broken after the stair’s incident… like… I don’t know, but I know it hurt awfully, both mentally and physically. Mom rushed by the kitchen and when she saw me, she came inside with a pill of aspirin, “Was looking for you. Here, swallow this honey.” She poured me a glass of water and stood holding my side as I swallowed the painkiller. And then I wondered, what would be the point of healing if pain was just going to keep coming back?

I leaned into my mother’s hug and kept wondering, why was I the only one bullied? I’ve never been the one going out hurting other people. I worked hard and tried hard to be a good person. I didn’t even say anything bad about anyone. I just minded my own business—wasn’t that what people wanted? Because it seems like it was not.

I was brought back to reality when Mom pressed an nth kiss to the top of my head. “Don’t worry baby, God will get back at them. What goes around comes back around, remember?” of course not, mother! I’ve never seen that karma do anything for me except make my life worse. But my Mom was a very religious person who believed so much in karma. I, on the other hand, did not believe in karma as much as it did not believe in me. But I tried to live with that—was doing a good job too. I spared nothing hope; the less I expected from this world, the easier it was to get accustomed to bad luck.

“Really, Mom? The whipping boy for anyone with a grudge? You think your God and karma wants anything to do with me?” A laugh shook deep within my chest. Karma didn’t care about me. No one did. Not even God for the matter. It was almost too funny, except it was not.  

“Luhan!” She yelled.

Without looking at my mom’s face, I slipped away from her, I wasn’t about to give her too a chance to slap me for badmouthing her God. “I’m going to rest, Mom. Don’t wake me up for dinner, I’ve had a banana and feel full.”

Raising her voice a little, she managed to stop me from marching away when she said, “Your dad told me about the meeting with the principal.” I nodded; there wasn’t anything to be said. Senior year was going to be pure hell, but there was nothing that could be done for it, so I might as well enjoy the short haul.

Over my shoulder, I saw my Mom’s hand tremble as she covered up her face, trying to muffle a cry. My heart broke for her, for she had to witness her only son roam the earth with broken pride. It was devastating, and I almost felt too sorry for existing in her life. It made me wish her miscarriage was successful when she was pregnant with me—maybe then she wouldn’t have suffered too much because of me. “Luhan,” she voiced again, the crack in her voice was visible as a moon on a night of clear clouds. I turned around; ready to hold her in my arms in case her legs and shaking body failed her.

“Is there any way you could… teach these bigots in your school a lesson?”

As soon as she finished her question, she started crying. My eyes were tearing up too, not because I was sad, but because I knew there was nothing I could actually do to stop them, except for one fouled way where God, community, and society has forbidden. I just didn’t fancy it too much, but found that I would do it for her… for Dad, and for my shattered pieces of dignity.

“Someday, Mother,” My voice was barely a whisper that I was not sure my mother had heard it, but from the horrific look on her face, I knew she did.

She didn’t say anything after that, with tears still b in her eyes she turned around and busied herself with the almost non-existing dishes. I took my leave after that. 

After I’ve apologized to him, Jaejoong walked down the school halls with a pride the size of a moon. I sighed as I followed after him, keeping my eyes open and my head down, for it was recess time—all hell and torture time.

It was surprising to see Mr. Hangeng back on duty this Monday, I’d expected him to sit back and wallow over his lost position, but he seemed pretty much bright to me—and he was still in duty! He told me that his suspension was deferred for summer, even though I didn’t ask. I gave him a weak nod and apologized for the trouble again before bowing and walking away from him.

Mr. Hangeng moved closer to my side and started walking with me. We started walking away from the administration building, I noticed a couple of heads turned to look in my direction. Instantly, I knew for sure Mr. Hangeng had used used my injury as an excuse to shield me from the ogling crowd, and I felt somewhat thankful to him. Obeying my father; Mr. Hangeng was doing a good job, keeping an eye on me for him and protecting me whenever he was close. I couldn’t be anything but thankful at the very moment. I knew I had to keep away from him sooner or later, if I didn’t want that rumor to get glued to my , but for now, just having someone by my side had meant the world—even if that someone was just being bossed around by my intimidating father, and had no balls in calling a no to Dad’s face. It was still a nice feeling; hadn’t felt it for a while now since Minseok passed away.

“Um,” I halted a stop once I was a few steps away from the doors to the cafeteria. I didn’t want to walk in with a personal gayguard like I was some death target; to which I technically was, but still… “I think I’m good to go. My legs can hold me up just fine now. Thank you, teacher,”

I could’ve sworn a nerve-filled nostril blow was visible when he exhaled in relief. He nodded, and clapped my shoulder in what appeared to be more of a sympathetic way than encouraging. I smiled at him and watched him leave. He turned around the corner, heading to his art studio. I waited a few more seconds, just to be sure he wouldn’t come back and embarrass me, and then walked in.

I pulled my brown paper bag closer to my chest. It was the same sandwich and fruit my mother would provide me with every day for the past couple of months. It all started a months after Minseok’s incident, when only half of the students believed I was the killer. It had gotten worse when the entire school was positive, I was him, though.

It hadn’t taken long to learn not to buy my lunch at school as my tray would invariably end up on the floor, my lunch splattered next to it, and I’d get detention for disruption… At least with the brown bag lunch, the jerks that gave me the worst time had to fight harder to get it from me before they took it from me. Sometimes they just chided me about how good I was at the crème filling out of my snake cake. They all believed I was gay that even I started to doubt its uncertainty.

Was I really? I knew I liked Minseok a little more than the average bout, but did that mean I was in love with him? Was I really that they bestowing me as?

It was all so ing childish. I didn’t know why the hell they think I was so different from them.

Taking my customary seat at the empty table closest to the emergency exit, I sat with my back pressed to the wall. It was always that way no matter where I was—my back had to be pressed to a wall. Whether I was in the hallway, in the bathroom, in the cafeteria, even at the gym class, I couldn’t leave myself unprotected, especially that my only capable protector had passed away, leaving me completely vulnerable.

Opening the bag, I took out the contents and ate quickly, knowing that my stomach would be unsettled through my next class but also not wanting to give people who sought to hurt me a chance to catch my food. Finishing up the can of cola, I looked around the cafeteria to make sure it was safe to leave—of course, it was always safe to leave if I spotted Jaejoong and his crew of gangs sitting at their seat, laughing and enjoying their highschool days. I envied them, but that didn’t mean I was going to cut their happy time anytime soon, for I did not want to get my noticed.

The corners of my mouth twitched nervously when I didn’t spot the mop of raven anywhere around the cafeteria. His bully squad was there though, but I wasn’t about to walk myself into an ambush. So I rested my back against the wall, and kept all my senses alert as I waited for Jaejoong to appear somewhere so I could take my leave.       

My attention was drawn to a group of girls on the other side of the cafeteria. “!” I cursed inwardly, this was the Kims table, which by extension, were somehow related to my dead friend, Kim Minseok. Hyuna, Hyorin, and Taeyeon were staring at me with blazing orbs. Of course, I was used to their nasty looks by now; I just wondered what it was they were pissed off about today.

I locked eyes with the person that was the second reason I was constantly spinning the seventh circle of hell this year, Kim Taeyeon, the sister of my official walking nightmare, Kim Jaejoong. That should be enough of an explanation, but to clarify it even more; not only she was the sister of the bully in our school, but also the assigned future bride-to-be to my late friend, Kim Minseok. See they were technically related in some sense, but being the heir and the heiress of such a family as powerful as the Kims, was not seen as a crime as long as the wealth was swayed in a Ping-Pong circuit.

Unlike Minseok though, Taeyeon saw no problem with their relationship. Better fact, she fell in love with the mysterious man with the cold image even more, and decided to publicize her love to him, and damn if she hadn’t gone too far, coming one day to school to spread various human size posters of Minseok that had a large font size printing the words: I love you, signature: Kim Taeyeon.

Minseok was mad at her, his mother, and the whole damned family. He was mad at himself too for no valid reason, and he went ballistic, thrashing things to the floor and kicking the ground on the lawn at the school’s backyard while he told me what happened with him and Taeyeon and how he felt about the whole thing—how his mother saw him as a glistening black card gift in the days when they were totally bankrupt because of his relationship with Taeyeon—how she encouraged him to sleep with her and to specifically be unprotected because an unprotected man and a woman would have a baby. A baby was her well-fitting key to Taeyeon's money-filled safe—a safe she craved to own so badly— and it killed Minseok to know what his mother wanted, how she measured his love with money.

I couldn’t say anything to comfort him, so I hugged him. I held him in my arms for as long as I could remember—minutes might have passed with him settled between my arms, to me they were just seconds, to Minseok they might’ve even been jiffies, but apparently to that other person who was watching us hug, it was the weirdest, gayest thing in the world two men could do and they had to go and announce it to the whole school so they knew which “ couple” they would target next.  

Minseok was too tired to deal with the excited crowds, he told me that they were just a bunch of sick-minded s and that I shouldn’t care what they said, and then he went home. The following day though, Minseok started blaming me for that hug, he said that if I hadn’t hugged him then none of this mess would’ve happened—again he was too tried to deal with anything in the world, and I, his best friend, instead of helping him, I brought him problems over his other great problems. And that didn’t help push his pain away, but only deepened his cuts some more.   

I should have never hugged him.

It was my fault; my   one   and   only   fault.

A fault I am still paying to redeem until this very day.

Just like the rest of the school, Kim Taeyeon thought that something remotely intimate was going on between me and Minseok. Knowing that Minseok was as straight as an arrow, I deliberately have earned the title queer all by myself. Not only that, but things had started to go downhill from that point on, when little Taeyeon went to her brother and poured her whole damn heart out to him. From that moment on, Jaejoong had been on a quest to restore his sister’s honor and destroy my life in the process.

The worst part about it though, is I couldn’t feel anything but sorry for Taeyeon, even though her brother was pretty much ruining my life. I had to be an outcast. I knew I was not very sane because sane people wouldn’t have been as instable and conflicting as I was. It was so sad to live this life; everywhere I peek, I only see sadness. And it hurt to know that I’ll have to endure every bit of it until graduation. Of course, the homouality rumor increased their hatred exponentially to almost intolerable levels.

I snapped out of my daze when I heard the piercing sound of metal squeaking against the floor. I lifted my head up and instantly tracked the voice, looking around with big eyes. My eyes widened even more when I saw that all the tables in the cafeteria were absolutely unoccupied, and no the bell hadn’t rang, in fact, all student were still present at the cafeteria, each sticking to the nearest wall, bracing themselves. My minded chided, my breath hitched as realization struck upon me in waves. I needed to get the hell out of here and fast. I only hoped I would be able to do that before the doors… ...

The main exit was already locked. The sqeaking chairs were straining aganist its handles, and two of the buff jocks, Kris and Chanyeol, stood there and I presumed they had a job to do—which is, of course, keeping me trapped inside while the entire school had its fun with me. I shuddered at the thought, and my knees buckled into the nothingness as I pointlessly stood up from my seat, the brown paper bag falling from my lap, flying back and forth before it safely flattened against the solid ground.

 “W—w-what?” I dared to whisper, looking from one face to the other. No one replied, so I asked again, “What d-do you w-want from m-me? Why w-won’t y-you leave me a-alone?”

The once silent crowd suddenly started roaring verbal insults… I’ve heard a few of them but quickly deafened my ears towards the rest. My eyes scanned the place for a certain person. Amongst the crowd, his perfect paleness stood out like white flower in a bouquet of dark violets—his feature were beautiful—his manners though were contritely too ill and ugly to match his beauty.

“Well!” Jaejoong said, raising an eyebrow at me, impatience rippling through him as he stared at me. It was the longest moment in my entire life. I only found my breath, momentary, when he shifted his gaze and scanned the crowd before finally settling his eyes back on me and then said “Aren’t you going to apologize to me?” disbelief filling his voice.

“What…” I thought I already did. This morning!   My stomach clenched as dread filled me. I could barely feel oxygen whooshing in and out of my lungs, and I held my breath for a couple of long moments enough to make my heart physically ache.

I swallowed hard then slowly walked into the vast area that was the center of the cafeteria, being careful not to get close to any of the inhumane beings crowding the place—that would be exactly the stupidest thing to do, and fortunately for me, I was not stupid. Walking into the middle of the spot light, I felt like I was walking to my doom. If something suddenly happened to me right there, like trip and fall, I don’t know what I would do. I would probably start digging the poreclain floor for an exist.

I grimaced but still walked closer as Jaejoong motioned me forward with a single gesture of his hand. His eyes narrowed as he crossed his arms over his chest. Smugness burned in his light-brown orbs. “Say you’re sorry for being such a . Say it out loud, in front of everyone and I would let you walk out that door in one piece.”  

“I’m not g-gay.” My voice was full of lies, even though I was telling the goddamn truth.

“Oh! you’re not,” Jaejoong whispered acknowledging, almost as if he actually believed me. His voice suddenly grew loud as he shouted “Gentlemen, do you agree?” into the quiet, vast room.

The masculine united shout, screamed “No!” and then the uncivilized apes were shouting again, saying things along the lines of me their filthy , which of course was not true. Tears of disappointment suddenly started building in my eyes. I wanted to yell at them Lairs, but something was terribly wrong with me; I opened my mouth but no voice would come out. Over their chaotic, mocking laughs, I could not hear my own voice, and it didn’t take too long before I finally broke down and started shaking my head violently as I cried like a girl, shaking and trembling while everyone else laughed.

What was wrong with everybody? Why would they all lie like that? When did I ever get on my knees to do such a fouled thing to please these pricks?

I   had   so   many   questions   but    no    voice    to   shout   any.       

I heard Jaejoong yell, “Everyone quiet!” and wondered if by some miracle that demon was going to be my savior, my way out of this—he had authority, but would he do it for me? Would he save my ? I was really confused.

Tears streaked down my face when I looked up at him with so much hope only to see him smirk and flick his fingers as some sort of cue for the others.

Before I could even start processing what was happening, I gasped so sharply as white, cold liquids were splashed at me from all directions. I only knew it was milk after I got a mega-trio hit across the face, giving me a taste of the weapon they’ve used to humiliate me. Smelly-sauced food was splattered up next. Breads and greens were flying past and across of me, but never succeeded in hitting the target. I held still, knowing that the floor beneath me was quite slippery. I couldn’t fall. I wouldn’t let them have the fun of it. But my leg was bad, and I could feel it tremble, struggling to hold me up, until the one thing I feared had happened… some jerk aimed his apple right straight to my bad ankle, and it snapped.

I crashed to the ground with a screeching wail, but the attacks continued to come anyway, until I heard someone yell “Stop!” at the top of their lungs, making the attacks reduce, and eventually come to a stop.

I couldn’t lift up my head to see who it was, but the identification of her voice was probably very clear. It was a girl who saved my . It was the very girl who told the world I was gay. It was Im Yoona, Kim Taeyeon’s best friend.

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